My divorce papers finalized recently and my name was changed back to my maiden name. I found myself signing my maiden name a couple times today and smiled. I smiled because for some reason my maiden name means something to me. It symbolizes who I really am. Not because a name makes someone who they are, but because of who I was when I was that name. Being with a sociopath for more than 10 years made me into a person that I was not; a person that I did not want to be. I lost myself. Every time I sign my maiden name or someone asks me my name, I feel relieved to respond because I feel like I am stating over and over again who I really am, not who I became.
There is much to talk about and a lot I would like to share in order to help others who are either currently in a relationship with a sociopath, going through a divorce with a sociopath, or was in a relationship with a sociopath and is wondering what the heck happened and what does it mean for us.
It seems the more I understand about sociopaths and the way they think and operate, the easier it is for me to cope with the reality. Being in a relationship with a person that has a personality disorder or a mental disorder is one thing, but it’s a stretch further when it is a sociopath; mainly because of their suffocated conscience. For us that have a conscience, it makes it difficult for us to imagine someone could do certain things…because WE have a conscience. For them, conscience does not regulate their decisions, actions, words, thoughts; their depravity does. For most people that is a very difficult concept to swallow and foreign to say the least.
Even as I sit here and write this today, there is a nervousness that still haunts me that I am the one that blew things out of proportion. That I was seeing things that were a figment of my imagination. I am the one that might just maybe be…crazy. But then my mind fights itself in confirming what I know I saw was exactly what my gut was telling me all along. I have to continue to tune into my gut, it’s usually right.
I have wanted peace in my life for so long-since I have been an adult and met the sociopath. Now I can lay my head down at night and have that peace that I so fervently fought for. My encouragement for readers is to make a decision to find yourself again. Think about who you were before the sociopath and fight to get back to that place. Do things you used to do, love things you used to love and breathe again. As time progresses, you will find that person that once was.
Blessings.
Mischele Lewis on the front page of the Philadelphia Daily News!
I know all too well about that nervousness. I wonder every single day if it was really me and everything I saw was just in my imagination. After all, the altruism he displayed to everyone was very convincing. But grace be to God, I know the difference between right and wrong; pride and humility; kindness and hatred; lies and truth. Thank you for sharing this. Blessings.
I am doing the same thing, for the same reasons. I decided that he will not have an influence on one more moment of my life. I will not keep that name, and with any luck, in a few years people will never even remember that name and any association to him. My daddy was a good man, and I’ll keep his name for the rest of my life.
Ladies, have no doubt, it was a psychopathic creature, not you. Be thankful you do not have its children so it can go away completely from your life. Just do not forget the lessons. I remarried and took my new husband’s name and was so happy to get rid of the psychopath’s name even though my son still has it. And I love my son dearly in spite of his name. I was happy when my daughter married and changed her name. I understand how you feel, the thought of having it’s name still creeps me out completely. I kept it after the divorce because of the children. On our wedding night it forced me to sign Mrs. H. James Blank on the room service check to prove that I was no longer a person but his possession. Then he violently raped me. I was too afraid to do anything then but I reported it to the police years later when it was a lawyer in GA. I still will not publish its name because of my children but feel free to look for clues because I do not care if the world knows what it is anymore. It took me 40 years to be completely free of it but I finally am. I kind of wish I had gone back to my original name but I have a husband I can be proud of now so it is okay.
I carry my ex’s name like a scar. I don’t want to change my name back to my maiden name, because that name too was a scar. I would pick a name of my choice, but that would annoy my family greatly. A no win situation.
Yes, I am also trying to do things I used to do and love pre-sociopath. Or even before it all seemed to go so wrong, as I was married a long time.