Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Caitlyn.” Read her original story: “I should feel lucky to be free of the sociopath, but it’s tearing me up!”
You posted my first story and I now have another one. Just couldn’t get him off my mind and I took him back only to be discarded again despite my healing.
I am very embarrassed and disappointed in myself today, but it may help someone think twice. My story is as follows:
Well I did it again. Allowed him back in despite my progress towards healing.
This makes the third time. It lasted 2 months and I was discarded again yesterday. Somehow I think my body knew this would happen as I’ve had panic attacks over the last week as if I was preparing for this.
At first he said he loved and was in love with me and missed me and would do better this time and make it up to me. So I said if that were the case, you would not have gotten married, so his response was that he wasn’t happy and he said that he felt like he bought a coat that wasn’t the right fit and it was too late to return it ”¦ he referred to his new wife as a garment!!!
And he said he wanted some time to work on his situation with her as if to make me think he’d leave her. So because I truly loved him and cannot seem to make it sink in that he’s a sociopath, I allowed him back despite all of my progress towards healing with my therapist, books, and reading on Lovefraud. I got those same empty promises from him as before.
This time he was going to buy me a car, take me out of town, buy me this, buy me that ”¦ well I got nothing. So I told him how I felt yesterday. to sum it up I said you haven’t changed like you said and I made it clear that if he was so unhappy with his wife he would not have married her.
He was the cause of this pain by not being honest from day one, as he never told me he was engaged when we met. I found this out on my own after I had fallen for him!!! But again he still married her, so if I mattered so much then why didn’t he choose me and call off the engagement?
After this last time of me telling him how I felt, he said he was coming to talk to me, but now he’s ignoring me. I’ve called and texted and nothing. It seems that every time I confront him with truths I get dropped.
My last text to him I called him a coward. If he doesn’t want me then why not block me or just say it? Is he getting off on me blowing up his phone?!
This married jerk also has a dating profile And he’s removed his photos from his online dating profile. I find this funny because the first 2 times I confronted him with my feelings and he discarded me, he did the same thing because he thinks I will tell his wife, because I did the first time. I wonder why he just removed the pics and not delete the profile if he’s so in love with his wife?
I think there are other women as well, because the last few weeks before this discard I noticed not as much love bombing and a distant feeling. I would call and 2 minutes in he would say my brother is calling, I’ll call you back, or my daughter is calling, or my business partner, but he’d never call back.
Other times I’d call he never answered, and when I asked about it, he’d say he never got a call and his phone doesn’t show a missed call. All bull because I always left a vm and why was this happening all of a sudden? He always got my calls before, so I sum this up to be another woman/my replacement in addition to his wife, or he’s grew tired of me just that quick.
I feel like the discards are my fault and this is my fault for letting him back in. But I really loved him and wanted to believe he was “normal”.
But he has made me sick healthwise with panic attacks and dreams that someone is trying to kill me, which I think is due to me feeling like he’s trying to destroy me in reality. I never ever had these before!!!!!
I just hope he stays away this time.
Response from Donna Andersen
Caitlyn,
I am sorry that you took him back and it turned out badly. But you are certainly not the only one who has experienced this. They are so convincing especially when we want to believe what they are saying.
He will never change. The key to your recovery is for you to decide that it is over. He will keep returning as long as you allow it. This is part of the game for him. So you must end it, and never answer any call or text from him again. No Contact permanently is the answer.
Some Sociopath Tools–Isolation And Intermittent Reinforcement–They Keep You Hangin’ On
I did that too, recently. I was teleworking at home after coming back from our vacation and he called through on Viber. He had not yet left to go home. I told him the kids were still home from school and that I was trying to get work done and that I would contact him on Saturday. Of course on Saturday he was out. No contact made. I left a message with his sister telling her I would contact him when he gets home.
Later in the week, I texted his sister that I had mailed the bread tin that I carried back to her daughter in Colorado. Immediately, he tried to call through twice. I had the sound off, so I didn’t know. Of course, I did not try to reach him and would speak to him when I could without everyone hearing my hostility.
I called on Saturday and it was almost impossible to get phone time. First he was on the phone to his “sister,” most likely his drinking/gambling buddy. Then called again and he said he needed 15-20 minutes more. No way this was his sister! When I read him the riot act and called him on not being around as he had in the past, etc. he cut the phone conversation short. He really didn’t like when I said that he has no problem expressing himself when drunk and that in the wedding clips he should not send the one of him groping his niece the night before when he was drunk and the 4 of us were out getting fresh air. He had a fit.
Since the conversation was cut short and I had no way (as usual) to get his attention when I wanted it, I told him that I will not be calling and that if he wants he can leave a message for me on viber if he wants to let me know that he is still alive, since I do care.
The more they move away, the more strains on the health dealing with the emotions and the withdraw. I noticed when I told him last year that I only had time on the weekends, it became MUCH easier. Not looking for messages cut down the stress. The more you pull away, the easier it becomes. Life with someone like this would be like living a nightmare.