Lovefraud recently heard from a woman in England; we’ll call her Suzie. Suzie met a man on LargeFriends.com who said his name was Mike. Mike lived in Oregon, which was 5,000 miles away. Yet they quickly developed a rapport, and within weeks Mike was sending Suzie cards, e-cards, e-mails, drawings and stories written just for her. About a month after they first made contact, Mike declared his love for Suzie—even though they had never met.
They exchanged their phone numbers and addresses. They talked on the phone for hours and bought webcams so they could see each other. Mike told Suzie he abhorred infidelity, which was the reason why he wasn’t married at age 45—he intended to marry only once. Here’s what happened next, according to Suzie:
On the OK Cupid website he declared his love for me openly, his “special golden angel.” He sent me erotic stories and poems and told me how much he was looking forward to meeting me, to making love to me for the rest of our lives, how he had searched for 20 years for his “soul mate” and finally found me. He even asked me to marry him. I said I couldn’t answer that until we had met. So we decided it was time for us to meet, and he suggested that he come and visit me at Christmas.
So we carried on chatting for hours daily, e-mails, etc., until three days before he was due to arrive, at which point he announced that he had a problem—that he had been selected for jury service, and that he was trying to get out of it so it wouldn’t affect his visit. He then showed me a beautiful gold locket he had brought me for Christmas and hinted that he had also purchased a matching engagement ring. We finished the conversation with him promising that nothing would stop him from coming to England to see me and he asked would I prefer to honeymoon in Europe or Hawaii—and money wasn’t an issue.
Frantic with worry
Then Suzie heard nothing from Mike for two days. She was frantic with worry and finally received an e-mail—supposedly from Mike’s mother—saying that Mike had been wrongfully arrested for refusing jury duty. But Mike said he would rebook his flight, and they found one that would put him in England on Christmas morning.
On Christmas morning, Suzie drove two hours to the airport to meet Mike. He didn’t show up.
Again frantic with worry, Suzie called the UK police, who couldn’t do anything because Mike never arrived. They suggested she contact the Oregon police. But when Suzie tried to locate Mike in the telephone directory, he didn’t exist. The address he had given her belonged to someone named John. Suzy realized Mike wasn’t Mike; he was John. She sent him a furious e-mail—he was outed.
Another chance
John apologized profusely. He said he had expected to be only pen pals but had fallen in love with Suzie. He didn’t know how to tell her the truth about his identity. John begged for forgiveness.
Suzie decided to give him another chance. Slowly their relationship recovered. Again, John said he would visit her, and come hell or high water, he would be there. Here’s what happened next:
On March 8th I set off for the same airport and guess what? He didn’t turn up again. This time, though, when I tried to e-mail it was deleted, as was his web page and he wasn’t answering his phone. Additionally the e-mail address for his mom and dad was also deleted, so I knew he didn’t want to be found. This made me really angry so I started surfing the web to see if he was to be found elsewhere.
That’s when I found him on another eight dating sites (there could still be more), on all of which he had a “special angel,” “a soul mate I have waited a lifetime for,” “a Betty Boop girl.” Each one was a nice lady, a little lonely perhaps, who was convinced she was the only one in his life.
I found out that the letters and drawings I treasured had been sent to other women. Funny stories and photos I had sent him had been recycled round his harem. Even a drawing I had done for him had been given to someone else. Additionally we all had copies of the same photos of him growing up as a young boy and when he was in the USAF. I also found a site, which he appeared to have abandoned, on which a lady from the Phillipines has added a message asking why he had stopped contacting her that suggested she had bought her wedding dress!
Suzie has not spoken to the guy since discovering his game.
Why did he do it?
Suzie points out that Mike/John never asked her for money. The only thing he asked for was post cards from places she visited through her job. So why did he lead her on? Why did he lead all the women on?
For fun and power.
As Dr. Liane Leedom points out in “How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” sociopaths are in relationships for sex and power. That’s all.
Stringing along several women at the same time—which is easy to do on the Internet—Mike/John had multiple feelings of power. Maybe it even made him feel aroused.
Plus, sociopaths simply enjoy deceiving people. In Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, a psychopath (the term Dr. Hare uses) is asked why he lies. The answer: “Because it’s fun.”
Lovefraud originally published this story on April 8, 2007.
My sociopathic ex-husband led my son into the lion’s den
Suzie,
SO glad you actually never had to meet this disordered man. It would, as I am sure you likely know, only have compounded the hurt and frustration he caused. I am also glad that you were able to find out he was literally scamming multiple other women. Even though this is shocking and painful, it can also be very validating to find out the truth, and be able to know for certain ‘what’ you were dealing with. Lots of us are left without ever really knowing any, or many, details. And though not necessary for healing, information about exactly what they are up to, and with whom, can help us let go; since we know we are letting go of someone so toxic we can at least intellectually know we are better off.
These types certainly do love to create chaos and confusion. Just ‘for the fun of it’. They feel empowered by having us believe their lies, and see us as weak fools for doing so. They have zero ability to see their own reflection staring back at them. None. So we are fools and they are geniuses for being able to lie so convincingly. Crazy.
And they lie….. always. Everything they do is a lie. Even if some of it is legitimate (like accomplishing something at work, or being good at something) they are still LIVING a lie. So all that ‘prop’ work and public relations they work so hard at is just a facade. What is ‘real’ is the lie underneath all of the scenery.
All very true.
Validation is the thing that leads to recovery. Few of us get that.
I’m grateful I’ve received validation.
Fortunately I learned very quickly about con artists on dating sites. I stay clear of them now as most date sites are full of predators on look out for an easy target.
This is why I no longer take dating seriously. There are too many scam artists and psychos out there.
If you’re looking for that special someone, and you “put this out there,” you are an easy mark to those lowlifes.
This article has some good guidelines for dating, to avoid getting entangled with spaths. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-gift-of-time-managing-the-pace-of-a-new-relationship
Here is an exerpt:
Technology: Focus on limiting the amount of texts and emails that you send while in early stage dating. Limit texts or emails to once a day or less and limit content to setting up dates or quick check in. Leave real conversation for the face to face meetings. Take a look at your facebook friends and consider not adding a new friend until they are an actual friend. Adding a person that you have not even met in person or who you have had one dinner date with might not be the best choice. When using online dating sites keep emails simple, straight forward and of a non-intimate nature.
Contact: Consider dating once a week. Leave Friday and Saturdays for a traditional date night and hold firm to your boundary. Even if you are not mutually free on those days for two or three weeks, you just bought yourself some time. Hold firm to boundaries regarding when you are available. If you have plans with friends or family, do not cave when the pressure comes for him to participate.
Time: Be vigilant about how long you spend with one person in early stage dating. Allow yourself two or maybe three hours for first, second and third dates. This would include a dinner date, an outdoor activity date, or a group date. Keep phone calls short and pleasant. Again, leave real conversation for face to face meetings.
Relationships: You can slow things down by keeping your early stage date just that, a date. He does not need to meet the kids, the parents or any other close family. The process of bringing a new person into your intimate circle only intensifies the relationship in your eyes and puts you at risk. The person you should introduce him to is the non-tolerant best friend. The friend that warned you about the last one!
Yes, this is a good article.
Although my ex psychopath had other reasons to trick me into a sham ‘marriage’ to him, he was also highly motivated by power and control. He expended a lot of time, energy and resources, in playing sadistic games that didn’t seem to have any purpose. For him, the payoff was power and control knowing he is able to cause a person’s suffering and pain – pure sadism.
This matches my psychopath right down the the wedding dress, it must have been for fun and power because it didn’t even cross my mind that any human being could “get off” on humiliating and demeaning women /people in this way. it just wasn’t in my head to suspect him.
Suzie discovered his game!!! shocking, blood run cold kind of moment. I spent a year and a half with the moron before I suspected anything..it was a dreadful blood curdling moment when it occured to me he was enjoying my pain
I do not want to be associated with these scumbags ever again!!! AAAaaaaaargh (a shrieking scream from the womb)
Oh, what a trip down memory lane…..I finally figured out what a sociopath was after two no-shows with no explanation. It seems they all like to do this. Their word means nothing; a promise means nothing. Eventually, you find reasons to excuse their behaviors because…..who does something like this? There must be a logical explanation. It’s a big trap, and there is no figuring it out. When I saw the game, I walked away, even though I didn’t understand the game. It took a long time to recover, but I’m so grateful I had the presence of mind to walk away after the second no-show. For those still in the grip of a sociopath, sending my love and best wishes for the strength to walk away.
Wow, what a story! I have often wondered why a person can have no feelings for others and deliberately harm them in such an atrocious way. I have lots of experience with sociopaths. A recent experience with a sociopath made me try to understand why anyone could be so cruel. Here is my observation. I believe Sociopaths are very wounded most likely from abuse trauma etc. They want others to feel their pain. The problem with sociopaths is that they are loveless they only can abuse and hurt others. Abuse is a drug for them. Unfortunately, social media is the perfect place for these predators. Sociopaths are truly miserable people, joyless loveless and lacking any creativity. They target people who are the opposite of them, because they truly know deep down how shallow and hollow they truly are. Their true mission is to destroy anything good! Like the devil they can imitate but never create. Creativity comes from Love. The Sociopath is Loveless!
Sherri Papini was kidnapped and beaten by 2 women. NBC news said they don’t know the motive. The public is nor aware of psychopathy. They sound like spaths.