Ending a relationship with a sociopath is not a normal break-up.
Sociopaths (people who could be diagnosed with antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorders) do not pursue romantic relationships in search of mutual love and companionship. They are looking for someone to use in some way — such as for money, sex, or to siphon off your emotional energy.
Therefore, when you end a relationship with a sociopath, you can’t get together, hug, cry and wish each other well, as you might with a normal person. When leaving a sociopath, you need to be strategic. Here are 10 mistakes to avoid:
- Thinking you can still be friends
You may still be cordial — even close — with past romantic partners. This doesn’t work with sociopaths. If you have any contact at all, the sociopath will attempt to reel you back in and exploit you again. You need to get the person out of your life — completely and permanently.
- Getting together in person to break up
Yes, the polite way to end a relationship is for everyone to have closure. But sociopaths don’t care about closure — they care about maintaining control over you. When you’re leaving a sociopath, breaking up by text — or even ghosting — is acceptable. Don’t seek closure from your partner. Give it to yourself.
- Believing that the sociopath can or will change
Remember — sociopaths are fundamentally different from the rest of us. Once they are adults, no therapy or rehabilitation will cure their disorder. Therefore, don’t fall for their pleading or promises. No matter what they say, they cannot permanently change. You need to accept that and act accordingly.
- Feeling responsible for the sociopath’s behavior
After abusive behavior, the sociopath may have said, “I did that because you (insert supposed offense here)” — blaming his or her behavior on you. Don’t believe it. You are not responsible for the sociopath’s actions.
- Staying to prevent the sociopath from committing suicide
If the sociopath you’re breaking up with threatens suicide, he or she is either serious, or trying to make you feel guilty so that you don’t leave. Either way, the best thing you can do is call 911. If the person is serious, let the professionals deal with it. If the person is not serious, you have called the bluff.
- Failing to protect your physical safety
Unfortunately, some sociopaths are vindictive and violent. When someone is physically abusive, the most dangerous time for you is when you are leaving the relationship. The sociopath may fly into a rage and do the unthinkable. If you have ever seen the sociopath engage in violence, whether towards people, animals or property, take precautions.
- Failing to lock down your finances
When sociopaths have access to your financial accounts or records, they may steal your money, run up your credit cards or steal you identity and open accounts in your name. The first thing you should do when you leave a sociopath is run a credit check on yourself.
- Failing to lock down your electronics
If sociopaths have had access to your cell phone, computers, and other devices, they may install spyware to monitor your communications, or key loggers to steal your passwords. These can be very difficult to detect and eradicate. You may need to get all new devices.
- Failing to understand the smear campaign
Long before you knew there were any problems in your relationship, the sociopath may have started undermining you. They often lie about you to your friends, family or even employers, accusing you of doing drugs, cheating, or being mentally ill. The objective is to ruin your support network, so that when you seek help and validation, no one believes you.
- Underestimating the sociopathic desire for revenge
Many sociopaths (especially narcissists, antisocials, borderlines and psychopaths) view romantic rejection as a “narcissistic injury” — a totally unacceptable affront to their egos. They may decide that the person who caused the injury (you) must be punished. If you think this may happen, plan your exit very carefully.
Leaving a sociopath can be tricky — you may need to plan carefully. For a deeper understanding of these and other issues, and for practical advice on leaving a sociopath from Lovefraud experts, check out this webinar series:
Stalking, burglary, identity theft — all by one criminal
I was afraid to stay with him; afraid to leave him for YEARS..he would have wrung every last dollar out of me or my family for child support, alimony, whatever. So, I stayed, hung in there, until the oldest was in college, the other 2 seniors in HS, enlisted in the military. I had only a few short months to pay HIM 1/2 of their health insurance bill, until they were in the military. I sneaked out money when I could, I sneaked out personal items he would have destroyed. I left on a weekend when he was working a temp job out of state. I could NOT have confronted him, and then walked away. That would have been a death sentence. Most people have NO idea how scarey these people can be, in a full blown rage of one kind or another. I was terrified, even after I did leave. I had been threatened with being killed for YEARS. I still, after all this time, do NOT want any contact with him. I have been, on a few occasions, and I was a wreck afterwards. Now, its not so bad. I was smeared for years to HIS family…the neighbors and MY family knew better..some believed his lies and his pity parties..
You are so right – most people have no idea how scary these people can be. It is coming up on 8 years since I have seen mine and I am still mindful of my surroundings and screen my phone calls. I doubt I’ll ever stop.
Failing to understand the smear campaign was a big one for me. I met my ex at work – when we became involved, I had been working there for 4 years, he about half that time. I had a very visible and powerful position and was second in command in my department. It was the job of my dreams and I was very well respected and liked by all and had a great relationship with my boss. About a year into the relationship (which we kept secret at work at my ex’s request) out of the blue horrible things started happening that made no sense at all – half of my staff was taken away from me, I was asked to move out of my beautiful office, people suddenly stopped talking to me and ultimately I was accused of undermining another manager in the department. I felt like I was losing my mind – everything I was accused of was completely untrue and no one would listen to me – the head of HR told me straight out there was nothing he could do to protect me and he recommended I find another job. Ultimately, my boss, who I had had a wonderful relationship with and respected immensely, just stopped talking to me. It was the worst time of my life, and whose shoulder did I cry on? You guessed it, the psychopath. This went on for months before I finally admitted there was no hope of me continuing there and I went to another job. Once I was in the new job, of course my ex would bombard me with stories of what people were saying about me, etc. I got settled into my new job and tried to put that terrible experience behind me. Over time, I heard from several people who said they had no idea what had happened or why and I realized not everyone had turned against me.
The ex abandoned me 6 years after this happened after he had done enough to leave me for basically dead, and it wasn’t until a year or two after that when I had become well educated in the ways of psychopaths that the light bulb finally turned on and I realized that he had orchestrated the whole thing, for power and control, to take away one of the things that he knew I valued the most, and to get me out of the way so he could “date” all the other women in the office while keeping me in the background in a (haha) committed relationship. I have no hard evidence that he was behind it, but my gut is positive that he pulled off that whole thing, and I was sharing so much information with him (thinking he was my supporter) that it gave him even more ammunition to use to destroy my job. Simply, there is no other explanation. It’s clear now why I felt like I was losing my mind.
This was going on behind the scenes in the early, still love bombing stages of our relationship and I had no idea. It makes me sick to think how much pleasure and satisfaction he must have gotten out of my pain and heartbreak at this completely unfair thing that was happening to me and I had spent hours and hours pouring my heart out to him about how alone and heartbroken I felt, just feeding his pleasure. My message to anyone reading this is do not EVER underestimate the what they are capable of doing. I was thinking of how I could make his life more comfortable and better and he was actively working to destroy my very public career and I didn’t have a clue.
He did me the biggest favor in the world the day he crushed me like a bug and walked out of my life.
Wow Hanalei Moon — what a nightmare. And yes, they do get a sick, sadistic pleasure out of the whole thing. There is no way for regular, empathic people to understand. All you can do is learn about the disorder and watch out for the warning signs.
Almost the same thing happened to me. Not in the same context, but similar. I was such a nice person. I couldn’t imagine why everywhere I frequented, people would pick at me, avoid me, or ignore me and whisper as I walked by. This happened mostly at my daughter’s school, and the apartment where we lived. It ends up my sociopath ex befriended the moms that ran things in my daughters elementary school, and set the smear campaign about me including with her teacher. It hit me when my daughter had a good friend she used to play with in the first grade and me and her nanny used to talk. One of the mom’s went up to the nanny and told her to keep the child away from me, that I am crazy. The nanny knew me very well, as we used to talk and get together very often, so she knew it wasn’t true. The woman that said this, I never even talked to. So the nanny told me what she said, as she didn’t think it was right. When I confronted the lady and asked her to stop, she denied it. I was then called to the principals office, and told to bring my ex. Something similar happened at the apartment building I lived. He also arranged to have social services called on me over 8 times in an attempt to make me an unfit mother. He wouldn’t call himself, but he would make up stories to people he knew as mandated reporters, and they would call. All 8 times it was dropped. When my daughter got a little older like 10 or 11 years old, he would tell her to call the police on me if I did so much as try to discipline her just by telling her what she did wasn’t right. She would complain to her father that I wasn’t being “fair” and he would tell her to call the police and tell them I’m abusing her. They saw through the situation and didn’t do anything either, thank God. I went through such horrors with him, and everybody around him thought he was such a “nice guy”. I’m not even touching up an the physical and mental abuse at home and on my child. I also believe now that I look back at it that she was sexually abused by him. He used to also be close with her 12 and 13 year old friends, he would pick them up for school even when she wasn’t with him. I was not with him at the time, I don’t know what happened. People also don’t realize they could mess with you spiritually. He had black magic spells and curses put on my and my mother, which I had to get removed. So check for that also. Beware! They are capable of anything.
What i would like to know is who out there is dealing with a sociopath/psychopath that you have a child with or children with and how are you dealing with a monster like this. Mine unfortunately got sole custody of our son and every time i have access, i am finding this thing keeps stalking me, coming to my work, etc. He uses the custody Order to make threats of incarceration to me if im even one day late with his child support. Hes a millionaire too by the way. I cannot even take a vacation without worry. I get anxiety just to get my mail everyday. When a strange vehicle parks in front of my house, i again get anxiety. There’s not a day that goes by that i dont look over my shoulder. The damage he is causing our son is incredible. He forces my son to choose him over me when we are both present for school functions. I am always the one to be made to feel bad or hurt. I try not to let it show in front of the monster but inside i am torn. I wonder why these suck individuals are allowed to get away with this behavior. This monster is a 60-year old bully. All i keep hoping for is that he gets a heart attack and croaks!!
momto4 You might read Tina Swithin’s book One Mom’s Battle.
A few years back I was a regular poster on Lovefraud. Then, I chronicled some of my experiences and the process by which I began to take control of my life. My journey, began with the decision to divorce a man I believe to be a sadistic psychopath. Like your ex-husband, my ex-husband also was/is a man of means. We had a large family, the youngest at the time 5 years old. As the divorce progressed through sordid twists and turns worthy of a John Grisham novel, I began to slowly realize the only person I could save was maybe myself. Like you, my ex-husband was awarded sole custody. I won’t get into how wrong and immoral this was. It was a shock then and to a lesser extent still a shock today. At that time naively I thought I could remain in contact with my children and have some relationship with them. This was three years ago. It soon became apparent that any interaction I would have would be fraught with the very real potential of horrible legal ramifications. And if I placed myself in peril, what good would come of that to me or my children. You see my ex-husband hired the judge’s former law partner and husband, The deck was stacked. Though I do not know your individual circumstances, I can convey the advice I received from a wise friend after I received the final order, “Leave town and let your children find you.” I did my part. I left town, moved thousands of miles of away, parred down my life, got a job after years of neglecting my career for almost two decades while I raised my children, travell,ed, read, engaged in regular and meaningful relationships with a small tight knit inner circle. I rebuilt my life. You see, I chose to live. In that I feel that I am still teaching my children. I felt and still do that throwing myself onto the fire would do no good. Teaching my children that I will remain a doormat to be bullied and threatened was a lesson I would engage in no more. I was no longer engaging in a farce. I’ve learned that the gender bias portraying a “good mother” as a person who disregards sanity and her own personal safety at the expense of a folly was part of the fog horn I’ve learned about on this site. In time a new norm set in. I haven’t seen or heard from my children in almost three years. I’ve accepted this condition with the hope that maybe one day I may have a meaningful relationship with some of my children. Legally, I am fighting the battles that may bear fruit. I’m helping the judge’s opponent hopefully win a run off this summer. I also try to educate as many people on my experience. Finally, my ex-husband, not content with sole custody, not content with his complete victory, has filed a modification and amongst other things asks that my visitation go to by agreement. I battled to have the case moved to my new city. The judge was faced with moving it or dismissing his suit. The judge dismissed it. I feel like I’ve been taken out on a rip tide and slowly I’m being released. The worst thing you can do in a storm is fight the current. Wait and in time you will be released and can swim to shore safely.
becomigstrong- good to hear from you. SG
A few years back I was a regular poster on Lovefraud. Then, I chronicled some of my experiences and the process by which I began to take control of my life. My journey, began with the decision to divorce a man I believe to be a sadistic psychopath. Like your ex-husband, my ex-husband also was/is a man of means. We had a large family, the youngest at the time 5 years old. As the divorce progressed through sordid twists and turns worthy of a John Grisham novel, I began to slowly realize the only person I could save was maybe myself. Like you, my ex-husband was awarded sole custody. I won’t get into how wrong and immoral this was. It was a shock then and to a lesser extent still a shock today. At that time naively I thought I could remain in contact with my children and have some relationship with them. This was three years ago. It soon became apparent that any interaction I would have would be fraught with the very real potential of horrible legal ramifications. And if I placed myself in peril, what good would come of that to me or my children. You see my ex-husband hired the judge’s former law partner and husband, The deck was stacked. Though I do not know your individual circumstances, I can convey the advice I received from a wise friend after I received the final order, “Leave town and let your children find you.” I did my part. I left town, moved thousands of miles of away, parred down my life, got a job after years of neglecting my career for almost two decades while I raised my children, travell,ed, read, engaged in regular and meaningful relationships with a small tight knit inner circle. I rebuilt my life. You see, I chose to live. In that I feel that I am still teaching my children. I felt and still do that throwing myself onto the fire would do no good. Teaching my children that I will remain a doormat to be bullied and threatened was a lesson I would engage in no more. I was no longer engaging in a farce. I’ve learned that the gender bias portraying a “good mother” as a person who disregards sanity and her own personal safety at the expense of a folly was part of the fog horn I’ve learned about on this site. In time a new norm set in. I haven’t seen or heard from my children in almost three years. I’ve accepted this condition with the hope that maybe one day I may have a meaningful relationship with some of my children. I say some, because I’ve come to realize that not all of my children are people I would want a relationship with. Yes, I can safely say that time and distance and parental alienation and their own genetic predisposition has lead me to the conclusion that I do not care for or love some of my children. Legally, I am fighting the battles that may bear fruit. I’m helping the judge’s opponent hopefully win a run off this summer. I also try to educate as many people on my experience. Finally, my ex-husband, not content with sole custody, not content with his complete victory, has filed a modification and amongst other things asks that my visitation go to by agreement. I battled to have the case moved to my new city. The judge was faced with moving it or dismissing his suit. The judge dismissed it. I feel like I’ve been taken out on a rip tide and slowly I’m being released. The worst thing you can do in a storm is fight the current. Wait and in time you will be released and can swim to shore safely.
Becomingstrong – such wisdom in your words. I am so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, but saving yourself is the best thing you can do. I hope that at least some of your children will find you, and that you can reconnect in healthy ways.