Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Carolina.”
I am completely confused about what actually happened and what is going on. I recently broke up with my boyfriend — we have been on and off for the past 18 years — I met him when I was 10 years old. He made me think he was the perfect man. And that he was loyal honest trustworthy sincere caring my soul mate. I’m not a perfect person — I have made mistakes — but he always made me feel secure. I was really dependent on him — he was my whole world.
I’ve always tried to self-evaluate and fix my behavior and I’ve always been open about talking to him about everything and anything and I thought he was the same. Few days ago I found out not only had he been messaging X’s including his ex-wife but he has been messaging my friends and enemies along with men that he was meeting up with.
I noticed he lies about things he doesn’t even need to lie about then some of his conversations — he was talking about how he was going to go on a trip to Florida that never happened while he was going to go golfing with rich friends — just trying to impress whoever he was talking to.
He also would talk trash about me behind my back. He told his sister I was fat — told his ex-wife that I wasn’t his girlfriend even though he was living with me. I always told him you deserve better and he would say that he loved me and he just wanted to be with me — all the while making multiple accounts I didn’t know about on various social media platforms including adult sites for hooking up.
I always thought I was the toxic one but I would always always come and talk to him about how I was feeling — he had plenty of chances to tell me what he was doing. I’ve always held honesty so highly I don’t trust people and he knew that. He was only person I felt like I could ever actually really trust then I come to find all this out and want to confront him about it.
He’s definitely more afraid about me exposing him on talking to men and wearing lingerie for them and he said sorry a couple of times but it was more about me not exposing him. I also found out he does things that are beneficial for him — if it doesn’t benefit him he’s not doing it.
I feel like my world has been flipped upside down — my sense of reality is warped — I don’t know what’s real or not anymore.
I have a feeling he is a narcissist sociopath but what if I’m wrong and I’m the toxic person? What if it’s possible for him to change? From what I’ve read a narcissist sociopath can’t really change. If he’s a regular guy then he can and I need to know if I’m in the wrong so that I can change my behavior.
I’m not close with my family. I have no friends anymore after discovering the one friend I had he slept with. I have no one to talk to about this and I’ve never been through a breakup like this where you really truly believe a person is a certain way and then come to find out they are the complete opposite and have everyone around them fooled.
He would also come talking to me about his family and friends — talking crap about them — to their face he’s their best friend. He’s very smart very good with his words and charming and he is a bit of a manipulator. I compare the dates and times when he was talking to these other people from the times we were together and I do have the proof.
One thing he always did is change the time but this time he couldn’t do it because I had the messages and emails that were dated and time-stamped. He’s always been such a calm cool collected person but when I confronted him about all this he did get a bit aggressive and every time we tried living together it never works. He kept trying to put the blame on others but the proof is all there.
So am I just crazy or is he possibly a narcissist sociopath or just a really good compulsive liar? I need help figuring all this out for the sake of my sanity please.
Book Review: The psychopaths of the Holocaust
No Carolina, you’re not crazy! Though nobody should be surprised if you “feel” crazy when you suddenly discover that much of what you used to believe was true was in reality a pack of lies! As you said yourself, your “world has been flipped upside down.” That’s “cognitive dissonance.” Anyone would feel the same confusion under those circumstances.
Any time you’re tempted to blame yourself for his behavior, it pays to remember that you couldn’t possibly be “making” him do all the bad things that he does.
He’s a compulsive liar. As you said, he even lies about things he doesn’t need to lie about! The trip to Florida, the rich golfing friends–quite apart from lying about who he’s been sleeping with, and his dishonesty to the people he calls his friends, saying different things to different people. Compulsive lying on this scale is a typical trait of psychopathy–among other personality disorders.
And as you perceived yourself, one of his motives for this lying is simply to impress others, to “look big”: a narcissistic, ego-feeding trait.
What’s more, he treats everyone just as badly. He says nice things to your face while talking trash about you behind your back, but he does the same to others too! That can’t possibly be “your fault”!
He may be doing this out of a sick sense of amusement, or because he enjoys manipulating people and setting them against one another–again, a psychopathic trait. You’ve said he’s manipulative. “Superficial charm,” too, is another such trait.
Plus he refuses to do anything that doesn’t benefit himself. That suggests a lack of empathy for others: another narcissistic or psychopathic trait. If he’s that selfish, he can never be relied upon to take care of a partner out of real love.
And he tries to put the blame on others for his behavior. Persistent “blameshifting” is common to pretty much all pathological abusers.
Last but by no means least is his promiscuity, made worse in this case because he seems to be “doing things” with multiple men as well as women. Of course, I dare say some people who are bisexual, which he may be, tell lies about it simply because they’re anxious to hide the fact. Alternatively, considering the “lingerie,” he may be one of that subset of crossdressers who want to explore sex with men in a “female” role. Anyone might want to cover that up because it’s seen as “kinky” besides. But apart from the lying, it’s the promiscuity that’s significant here: constantly seeking multiple partners, sleeping with anyone including (unfortunately) your best friend. Some people are just “players” but in his case this incessant pursuit of sex also fits a psychopathic profile.
He may not be the “worst of the worst” as far as these types go. I haven’t heard that he’s impulsive, reckless, violent or criminal, or defrauds people, or that he’s addicted to any substances–though of course sex itself could be his “addiction.” But people do not have to fit a “textbook image” of their disorder. Their personality traits can vary widely, and the fact that his behavior is not openly and flagrantly antisocial only makes his disorder that much harder to detect. He’s someone you can never trust, and that’s bad enough.
On the one hand you make it sound as if you got on well with the guy–“he always made [you] feel secure,” you said. Yet obviously something “went wrong” every time you tried living with him. Since you haven’t explained the nature of the conflicts you had with him–or who decided to split on these occasions, and why–it’s hard to tell what exactly was going on. If you imagine you might be a “toxic person,” that could very well be a consequence of blameshifting on his part, undermining you or running you down for things that were never truly your fault. With his subtle charm, he could have succeeded in pulling the wool over your eyes about what you’re truly like.
Or it could be that you have some “issues” of your own and have made genuine “mistakes” in the past. I can’t tell. But there’s nothing here to suggest you’re personality disordered as this guy seems to be. Unfortunately some people want to pass judgment on a relationship in an “either/or” fashion. If it’s seriously conflicted, they want to say “either this partner or that partner is ‘the‘ abuser, while the other partner is ‘the‘ victim, who is therefore by definition totally innocent and blameless of any fault.” Granted, this is sometimes true, more or less, but often it’s not the case at all, and both partners have their faults–even if one is worse than the other! So even if you do have faults of your own, that doesn’t make him blameless! You’ve tried living with him often enough to know it will never work. And he’s clearly somebody you do not want to trust with your future! The fact that he’s kept you fooled for so many years shows how dangerous he is to your welfare.