My happy marriage after the sociopath

This past weekend, my wonderful husband, Terry Kelly, and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary with a short getaway to New Hope, Pennsylvania. We stayed at a nice hotel, went to a museum, ate some delicious meals. But mostly, we celebrated our love for each other, still going strong after all these years. Yes, a happy marriage is possible after the sociopath.

Life brings challenges and we’ve certainly faced our share. But the issues were never about problems in our relationship. What’s our secret? I’d say caregiving.

I’ve explained many times that researchers have identified three social drives that are components of romantic love:

1. Attachment — wanting to be with your special person
2. Sex — no explanation needed
3. Caregiving — wanting to take care of your special person

Caregiving means we want our partner to be happy, healthy and successful. We are willing to care for our partner and put him or her first when necessary. In fact, it makes us happy to give to our partner. That’s what Terry and I do — we take care of each other. (Sociopaths never do this. Or, if they seem to be caring for you, it’s only to serve some hidden ulterior motive.)

Today, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m posting another love scene from my book, Love Fraud. The book, of course, is primarily about my disastrous marriage to my sociopathic first husband. But it’s also about my emotional recovery. If you’d like to know more, I invite you to read it.

Love Fraud: How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan — autographed print edition is only $8.95 in the Lovefraud bookstore

Yes, a happy marriage after a sociopath can happen.

Chapter 33

On our wedding day, February 12, 2005, bright sunlight warmed the cold winter air. Terry and I arrived at Seaview together at 10:30 a.m. for photos before the ceremony. My husband-to-be looked handsome in his black tux; white shirt; black vest with small, shimmering white dots; and a solid red tie. His boutonniere was a red rose.

My wedding dress was a sleeveless, tea-length white silk shift, accented by subtle white appliquéd flowers, tiny crystal beads and white sequins. It featured a V-neckline in both the front and back, and a long, loose ruffle created an asymmetrical hemline that fluttered as I walked. I carried a small, natural-style bouquet of red roses, pink carnations, white alstroemeria and purple heather.

Our photographer, Bill Horin, positioned us at windows, in front of drapes, next to flowers, even reclining on a classic wicker chaise, capturing our happiness with his camera. We posed for an hour of photos, then I was hustled off to a side room, stocked with drinks and fruit, while Terry greeted our arriving guests. Shortly after noon, they were all seated, and Terry and I stood together at the French doors leading into the Oval Room. The pianist played the sweetly melodic Air on the G String, by J. S. Bach, as we slowly walked down the aisle between our seated guests.

Sunlight streamed through the big wall of windows, creating a warm glow that filled the room. In front of the windows, between two massive arrangements of roses and other flowers, our minister awaited us. When we met with the minister before our wedding, she asked us to write secret love letters to each other. She started our ceremony by reading our love letters.

Dear Terry,

How do I describe what I feel for you? I’m a writer, I should be able to do this—but I cannot put words to the love. I can only put words to the effects: a spontaneous smile, as I think of how you make me laugh. An urge to reach out and hold your hand, for no particular reason. An overload of joy and happiness, so that my heart feels like it is about to burst.

Six years ago, on February 12, 1999, I left a sham of a marriage. That was a different life. Today my life is so full of love that I call everyone “sweetheart”—you, family and friends, our pets, even my customers. Everyone will just have to get used to it. The love spills out, unbidden, because of the love I feel for you, and from you. You’re my sweetheart, and today, you’ll be my husband.

My Precious Donna,

My love for you is always present. It is there wherever I go or whatever I do. Ever since we met, time has disappeared. Our love is beyond time. It is beyond the limits of the universe. It is timeless. It is eternal.

Your love for me is the most precious gift that I have ever been given. Moments shared with you are like priceless gems that can never be replaced and never be forgotten. Our love for each other is a sanctuary in this world of uncertainty. Donna, it is my honor to marry you, to be closer to you and to forever love you.

I was deeply touched by Terry’s words. Standing next to him, I squeezed his hand, and smiled into his eyes. The man who was about to become my husband was honestly romantic and poetic. I was so full of love, real love, that I could barely contain it.

The minister addressed our small assembly, reminding everyone that love was what gave precious meaning to life. Marriage was the union created by love, a union of privilege and responsibility that should be entered into thoughtfully, with an understanding of its true commitment.

This time, I knew, the commitment was real.