You’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with your husband or wife — he or she is disordered. But life is complicated, and maybe you’re wondering if your best option, at least for the time being, is to stay with your sociopathic spouse.
Maybe you’ve been married for years. Maybe your relationship was always confusing, your partner wasn’t honest with you, or you felt like you were being used. In the meantime, you went on with life, intermingled your finances, had kids.
Now you’ve finally figured out what’s wrong — your partner is disordered. How should you deal with him or her? And how can you care for yourself?
Sociopathic spouses are not created equal
If you’re trying to decide what to do about your sociopathic partner, here’s the first thing to understand: Sociopaths are not all created equal. Yes, they all lie, blame and manipulate. But they aren’t all violent. They don’t all take your money. Heck, some of them don’t even cheat on their partners, although that’s pretty rare.
So if you’re looking for advice online, make sure you’re reading with a grain of salt, because what applies for someone else may not apply for you. If you’re not sure what to do, here’s what you should evaluate first: How bad is your situation?
When you should leave
I absolutely recommend leaving if you haven’t been together for that long and there are no children. If all you will lose is some money and your pride, there is no point staying married to someone who does not have the ability to authentically love. And no sociopath or narcissist can authentically love.
If your partner is violent and you have no children at home, you should definitely leave. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If your partner has been violent in the past, there’s a good chance that he or she will be violent in the future, even if he or she says they’ll never do it again.
Things get trickier when you have children at home and your spouse is violent. Several people have told me that they stayed to protect the children. Well, the intention might be good, but in practice, if your partner is beating you up, and your kids see it, you’re teaching the kids that it’s okay to beat your partner. Or that they have to tolerate bad behavior. In any event, they’re being traumatized.
I can tell you this: No one who has stayed with the sociopath for the sake of the children has ever told me that it was worth it, and several people have told me it wasn’t worth it.
Finally, if the sociopath is bleeding you financially, you should leave. Here’s why: When sociopaths take from you, they take everything. They don’t stop until there is nothing left. Then they throw you away. So you might as well get out before everything you have is gone.
Senior sociopaths
Okay. Suppose the sociopath you’re married to is disagreeable, argumentative and critical, but not violent or a financial parasite. You’ve been together for years, it’s a lousy marriage, but it’s stable. You have family ties. Leaving would jeopardize your finances.
Maybe you thought things would get better with retirement, but it isn’t happening. What do you do?
I spend a few pages on this in my most recent book, called, Senior Sociopaths – How to recognize and escape lifelong abusers.
To gather the material for this book, I conducted two internet surveys, which garnered a total of 2,400 respondents. In the first survey, I asked people to describe their experiences with a senior sociopath — a disordered individual age 50 or older. Most respondents described spouses or romantic partners, including long-term marriages.
In the second survey, I asked people how they dealt with the senior sociopath. If you’re thinking about staying with the sociopath, some of their suggestions may help you.
Advice from survivors
The top advice from survey respondents is to disengage emotionally. Even if you are still living in the same house, you should think of your partner as a disagreeable roommate, not as your husband or wife.
What does this mean? You downgrade your expectations. You don’t count on your spouse for companionship or emotional support. If he or she doesn’t want to go to the grandkid’s birthday party, fine. If he or she can’t be bothered to drive you to a doctor’s appointment, you make other arrangements.
The idea is to live in spite of your partner, although one respondent recommended not making it too obvious. She said to not be too happy or too sad. She recommended that you appear to be content, boring, a safe bet.
Another respondent agreed and recommended the grey rock technique — be boring so the sociopath leaves you alone.
Now, it’s possible that your partner may try to provoke you. Learn not to react. Or at least, learn not to let your partner see you react. Remember, what sociopaths really want is power and control. Reacting to their provocations is like feeding the beast. They get a thrill from it.
By the same token, it’s best not to provoke them. No point stirring up a hornet’s nest.
Your objective is to find ways to live your own life. Multiple respondents recommended finding your own interests, cultivating a social life and spending time with people who love you. Make your life fulfilling without your partner.
How one reader deals with the sociopath
Here’s an example. One survey respondent decided that even though her husband was a narcissist or sociopath, it would be best to stay in the marriage until their teenage daughter was out of the house. She offered detailed information about how she managed her disordered husband. Maybe it will help you:
When he gives her the silent treatment or storms out of the house: She does not respond and goes on with her life.
When he lies and plays games about what his plans are: She stopped caring about his schedule.
When he pouts about not getting his way: She does not acknowledge the bad behavior and goes on with her day.
When he does not want to do something: Two minutes after the appointed time to leave, she leaves without him.
When he wants his problems to be her problems: She no longer steps in to save the day.
When he is in a mood and getting snarky: She finds something else to do.
This Lovefraud reader recognized that sadly, she was not living in a fulfilling, happily-ever-marriage, so she stopped trying to create it. This actually freed her up to live her own life.
The internal struggle
So how do you take care of yourself in this situation? It seems to me that moving on, even though you remain technically married, is in many ways an internal struggle.
You need to let go of your hopes and dreams of what you wanted your marriage to be. You need to let go of wishing your life was different. It is what it is.
Also, do not take it personally. The sociopath is not doing this specifically to you, although you’re probably getting blamed. This person would have treated any spouse the same way.
Remember, they are what they are, and nothing you could have ever done would have made a difference. Nothing would have made them treat you any better. Once you can disengage emotionally and give up any guilt, you’ll be able to decide how to move forward.
If you’d like to know more, I suggest you get my Senior Sociopaths book. Here’s the most important point of the book: Once someone is a sociopath, there is no rehabilitation. Sociopaths do not change. They never get better. You need to understand this, so you can make the best decision for your own life.
9 questions from an 8th grade student about how sociopaths think