What narcissists will never understand

By Joanie Bentz, M.Ed., LBS, CCBP

Narcissists are not cut out of the same mold as you and I. There are certain aspects of normal interpersonal behavior that narcissists will never understand.

As a therapist, when I began researching narcissism, I viewed it from a more scientific view. However, with more experience and time, I have learned that the affliction seems to be multifaceted, going beyond a psychiatric explanation. 

Narcissists have what I call “bankruptcies” of the mind, heart and soul. They inflict moral injury. They are impoverished spirits with no supply of empathy or regard for others.

A chronic misunderstanding

Whether you have gone no contact, low contact or are creating a plan to distance yourself, it’s essential keep in mind that narcissists are committed to chronically and purposely misunderstanding you. They do this because it releases any accountability on their part when inflicting abuse on you and others.

You may be grappling with the idea that maybe you are going to give it one more shot with the narcissist because, you think somewhere, deep inside, the narcissist really cares. Unfortunately, narcissists are incapable of caring about you or anyone.  They will never let you see the reality of who they really are. This is their greatest fear. That you will find out that they are malicious, callous, controlling and incapable of empathy.

I came up with a list of what narcissists will never understand.

What narcissists will never understand

1. Their access to you has responsibilities

The narcissist will not value the typical aspects of a good relationship. There is a natural assumption that the other person will maintain communication, show interest and solve conflicts in a positive manner. 

The narcissist expects you to carry the load and do all of the work, such as constantly apologizing for reacting to their unreasonableness. Give and take is non-existent. A relationship is defined by two people who reciprocate love, not one person being destroyed so that the other person can enjoy being a destroyer.

2. Their behavior made you change

Once you begin to pull away from the narcissist and go grey rock, the narcissist may harass you with questions about why you are not speaking with them or answering their calls and texts. They will feign ignorance and shift the focus on your actions, as if you are a horrible person for not responding to them immediately. They may also accuse you of excluding them, and that you are the one who is the abuser by limiting communication. They cannot fathom that they have actually done something to warrant your change in behavior for self-preservation purposes.

3. You created boundaries to protect yourself, not punish them

Boundaries in all aspects of our lives are necessary for self-care and are used as a guideline on how others should treat us. But boundaries are an alien concept to the narcissist. Narcissists need to be in everyone’s business and will “help” you if it serves an agenda for them.

Narcissists do not wish to honor your need and wants, and only want you to honor theirs. Your boundaries create limitations on their ability to mistreat you. They will utilize guilt trip tactics about your “rigid requirements,” and make you question yourself about being too hard on them.

4. It is wrong to spy and collect information about you that you never disclosed to them

Narcissists believe that your private information is their business, and they see nothing wrong in scouring social media and other outlets to gain information about your family background and activity. When you question them about it, they will deflect and use the excuse that the internet is “all connected” and that they somehow “accidentally” discovered something about you. 

Read more: 5 Reasons why the sociopath’s behavior in hour relationship makes no sense

Or they may act as if they have amnesia. Suddenly, this very calculating person is unable to know what they’re doing or remember what they did!

5. Not everyone schemes like they do

Narcissists live in a selfish world of getting what they want in any way they can. That being said, if they accuse you of cheating, plotting, being a bully, stealing and abusing, you can be certain these accusations are confessions of what they are doing. They will go to extreme lengths to prove this as well. 

In their limited minds, their typical disordered way of functioning is a frame of reference for everyone else’s daily functioning. In other words, they assume that others are just as malignant. For them, kind people must have ulterior motives.

6. Their pie-in-the-sky pursuits reflect an avoidance behavior

You will notice that everyone associated with the narcissist begins to tire of their continual quests for more income, property, real estate, business ventures, and cosmetic improvements of everything they own, including themselves. 

But you will never hear about the narcissist attempting to improve their marriage and relationship with family, friends and co-workers. Therapy will never be considered. As a matter of fact, they often believe therapists are frauds, unless the therapy is being used as a façade to convince others that they are actively working on themselves.

7. Chronic lateness is a sign of a controlling mind

Why is it that the narcissist knows how to show up for work on time, but if you are hosting an event at your home, or including them in a family activity, they are at least several hours late or more?  Or the narcissist may never show up at all, and have some lame excuse which allegedly prevented he or she from getting there.

This behavior is a sign that you, and whatever it is you are doing, is not important to them, and anything will take precedence over being punctual, to send you a message that the narcissist is in control.

8. Calm and drama-free is not boring

Due to the narcissist continually operating with an oppositional and adversarial spirit, conflict follows them everywhere. They believe everyone should endure their loud, overbearing presence and incessant talk about repetitive subject matter that only matters to them, while in the process derailing healthy interactions.

They cannot learn from others. They have no ability to rest in someone’s presence, listen quietly and give others a chance to be their authentic self.

9. Their behavior will emotionally stunt their offspring

Parents have the responsibility of educating their children about socially acceptable norms such as how to greet others and address authority figures appropriately. Behaving in an open, agreeable manner will enhance their lives and give them the best chance at being a successful human being.  Narcissistic parents smother and infantilize their children. The children grow up with no depth of emotion and never surpass early stages of development when autonomy should become more prominent with age.

Children of narcissists observe their parents chasing after lofty dreams, gossiping, talking about themselves and giving unearned praise to their children. They may themselves cultivate a narcissistic attitude, as they grow up with a sense of entitlement.

10. Abusing others eventually has its consequences

Perhaps not today, nor tomorrow, or even next week, but there will come a time when the narcissist messes with the wrong person and pursues a self-serving endeavor that will get noticed by someone who will not be trifled with in the least. 

Narcissists do not have long-term vision and cannot assimilate what it means to burn bridges. Some people have the three-strike rule. Three strikes and you are out. This is actually more than kind, because we all know narcissists are not learning anything from strike one and strike two, and have no desire to do so.

Narcissists willfully refuse to understand

There is no need for you to question whether or not narcissists are aware of their behavior, or if they can control themselves. It’s not that narcissists don’t understand. Narcissists will never understand because they willfully refuse to understand.

The narcissists who try to coerce and control you are more aware and in control of their behavior than the average person. But they do what they do because they have a motto of NON SERVIAM, which in Latin means, “I will not serve.” 

Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships