Almost everyone who is targeted by a sociopath in a romantic relationship experiences love bombing — over-the-top attention and affection. In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, Red Flag #4 is love bombing.
When they’re in full seduction mode, sociopaths want to be with you all the time, and if they’re not physically with you, they want to be in constant communication with you. They proclaim their love — quickly, frequently and persistently. Most of us interpret this ceaseless devotion as an indication that our new partner is truly smitten. But it’s not love — it’s love bombing.
Unlike true love, love bombing is insincere. It is not an expression of your new partner’s deepest feelings; it is a strategy to achieve an objective. The objective is winning you over, so that you give the sociopath what he or she wants.
What does this look like? My Red Flags of Love Fraud book is based on a survey filled out by 1,352 Lovefraud readers. They answered questions about their experiences with romantic partners whom they came to believe were sociopaths.
Examples of love bombing
Seventy-five percent of respondents rated their partners as “overly attentive” — in other words, they were love-bombing. Here are some examples:
He came in like the gangbuster of love and romance. He was so attentive, caring, affectionate, sexy, exciting, interesting, and willing to go to any lengths to be with me.
He called me from one of the islands in the southern Caribbean, it cost him $20 just to make the call, he breathed in really deep and said he felt like he was drowning and I was his air. He was constantly saying things like that, always into ME. No one had ever paid so much attention to me.
I hadn’t been romantically involved w/ anyone in a very long time and I had never met anyone who was so enthralled w/ me, who I was, or even what I had to say. I suppose the attention she poured upon me was enough for her to secure me as her next victim.
And afterwards …
So how did these relationships turn out?
The “gangbuster of love” lasted less than a year. When the woman met his children, they told her that their father “was not always this nice.” His six-year-old son announced, “My dad is a cheater.” Then she found out that the man also solicited prostitutes. “After I finally cut him off, he stalked me,” she said. “I had to take legal action. I was mentally and psychologically anguished by the relationship for another two years.”
The deep breather was married, although he claimed it wasn’t for long. But the relationship was officially an affair for three years. Eventually, he divorced his wife and did marry the Lovefraud survey respondent. Then the woman found out that her new husband was an exploiter. She lost money, lost her home, incurred debt and considered suicide.
In the third case, the sociopathic woman was indeed looking for a victim. Here’s what the man wrote about his experience:
She was very charming & attentive. She would stare at me w/ what I misunderstood to be amazement. She quickly moved the relationship to the bedroom. She told me she didn’t think she could get pregnant & I foolishly had unprotected sex w/ her. She was soon pregnant w/ twins & we were married just 2+ months after we met.
Highly conditional
Love bombing is highly conditional. As long as you are mesmerized and unquestioning, you are showered with affection. When you realize that you are being used, and you are no longer willing to be a member of the sociopath’s personal cult, they turn on you with stunning ferocity.
Read more: Letter to Lovefraud — Can you count the love bombing red flags?
But that’s later in the relationship. In the beginning, the attention is usually perceived to be flattering, but in some cases, it becomes suffocating, even unwelcome. Here is how two survey respondents described their experiences:
He basically began to monopolize all of my time. When I would protest that we were too far apart in age, lifestyle, likes/dislikes, he seemed to glom on even more.
Overly attentive, which was flattering at first, but became creepy within two months.
Phone calls, texts, email
Sociopaths overwhelm both you and your phone. In the Lovefraud survey, 75 percent of respondents reported that the sociopath called them frequently, 41 percent said the sociopath sent a lot of text messages, and 38 percent said the sociopath sent frequent emails. (My research was conducted in 2011 — the amount of texting would probably be much higher today.)
Many Lovefraud readers reported dozens of contacts daily, and this is not an exaggeration. In the beginning, the sociopath may say things like, “I just want to hear your voice.” Later on, as sociopaths escalate control, they demand to know where you are and with whom. Should you fail to answer a call or respond to a text, you may be subject to punishment, ranging from an outburst of rage to the cold, heartless silent treatment — a dramatic change from over-the-top love bombing.
7 classic love bombing strategies
In summary, here are seven classic love bombing strategies employed by sociopaths, and what they really mean.
1. Whirlwind romance
Your new beau wants to see you all the time. He or she wants to hang out, go on dates, even plan vacations — and you’ve just met! You may feel like your time is being monopolized. It is. Why? Because the sociopath wants to sink his or her hooks into you before you escape.
2. Constant communication
When your new beau isn’t physically with you, he or she is communicating constantly. Phone calls, text messages, social media comments, emails — you are bombarded. This isn’t just staying in touch. It’s about staying in control.
3. Lots of sex
Most sociopaths want a lot of sex. Lovefraud readers often report that sex with the sociopath is plentiful and exciting — at least in the beginning. Sociopaths know that if they can get you hooked sexually, you are under their control. Once they snag you, their interest in sex may wane — sex with you, that is. They may pursue others.
4. Lots of gifts
Some people say that their love language is gifts. For them, presents and mementos, even small, inexpensive ones, signal affection. Maybe sociopaths know this, or maybe they don’t. Most likely, during the seduction phase, sociopaths try everything, including gifts, to see what reels you in. The gifts may be recycled or stolen from someone else, but hey, who cares? It’s the thought that counts.
5. Lots of assistance
At first, your new beau can’t seem to do enough for you. Mow the grass? Cook your dinner? Run your kids around? No problem. Again, this is all part of the seduction. Once they feel like they have you, they’ll never lift a finger again — even when you are desperately ill and truly need assistance.
6. The grand gesture
As romantic partners, sociopaths are masters of the grand gesture — a big, dramatic display of affection, preferably with an audience. He might get on one knee in the middle of your office building lobby to propose. She might announce your upcoming wedding at your family reunion, before you even talked about it. The idea is to overwhelm you, so you feel pressured to go along with the program.
7. Proclamations of love
These romantic partners quickly and loudly proclaim their love. Of course, sociopaths do not have the ability to authentically love, so they don’t know what it means. They do know, however, that if they say the words, “I love you,” they get what they want. So, they say it early and often. They keep repeating it, until you feel obligated to respond in kind. Then you desperately try to talk yourself into loving the person, even if you have doubts.
Love or love bombing?
If you are targeted as a sociopath’s new romantic interest, it’s quite possible that you will be showered with more attention, adoration, and gifts than you’ve ever experienced. You may feel giddy with excitement. You may feel that you have been placed on a pedestal so high that the air around you is thin and you can hardly breathe.
Well, breathe anyway. Take slow, deep breaths, so that you can calm down and listen to your gut. Are you experiencing love — or love bombing?
The best way to protect yourself from sociopaths is to trust your instincts. Your intuition evolved over millennia to protect you from predators. Your intuition will tell you when something is wrong.
It can be difficult to pay attention to your instincts when you’re being love bombed. But that’s exactly when you should pay attention. If your senses are telling you that the words and actions are fake, take the information seriously. Then, take action to get away.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Asking the wrong question about coercive controllers