A number of parents have written Lovefraud recently asking for advice regarding helping 16-24 year old sons and daughters whose other parent is a sociopath. These sons and daughters may be showing some signs of the disorder and the parents are at a loss about what to do.
The stage of life between 16 and 24, is called emergent adulthood, and I have come to believe this stage is critical in the development of healthy and unhealthy personality patterns. With respect to antisocial personality (sociopathy/psychopathy), although symptoms of the disorder may be present during childhood and early adolescence, recent studies show this is not always the case. The disorder can develop during emergent adulthood.
Parenting at-risk emergent adults is extremely challenging because a parent has so little control over the factors that would help or harm development. Young people at this age make their own choices about friends and life habits (including drug and alcohol use). Also, there is a natural tendency for young people at this age to disengage from parents emotionally, so even under the best of circumstances sons and daughters may not care much about the thoughts and feelings of their parents.
Given this harsh reality the first point of parenting at-risk emergent adults is acceptance and the serenity prayer. You did the best you could raising your child and now your son or daughter is making choices that will change them for the better or worse. You are not responsible for these choices, your son or daughter is.
There is another aspect to acceptance and disengagement from a sense of responsibility that is perhaps more important than accepting your offspring’s choices. That is, to the extent you are invested in receiving positive feedback from your son or daughter or depend on enjoying his/her companionship, you are vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. The more your son or daughter abuses and exploits you, the worse his or her disorder will become. I encourage you to seek therapy and support to help you disengage emotionally so you can help rather than worsen the situation.
In addition to disengagement, I recommend you “resist the righting reflex” to borrow a phrase from motivational enhancement therapy. The righting reflex means the impulse to give advice and try to force your view on your son or daughter. Most of the time, if you tell your son or daughter to behave a certain way; he or she will talk about all the reasons you are wrong. The more he or she talks about not changing the less likely change becomes. Instead you want your son or daughter to talk about the benefits of changing and to be self-motivated. For example, a first year student was in my office this week and admitted she was staying up until 1 AM and was having trouble staying awake during class. In response to her bringing this up I asked her, “How much sleep do you think you need?” She then said she believes she needs to go to sleep by 10:30. The likelihood she will actually start going to sleep earlier now is much greater since she talked about doing it. Notice the difference between that and my saying, “Well, if you want to do well at the University you will have to go to bed at 10:30.”
Motivational enhancement therapists call a person’s talking about making better choices “change talk.” As a parent you want to do everything you can to encourage your son or daughter to engage in this change talk. Notice you can only do this from a place of respect and acceptance for the emergent adult’s capacity for choice. If you feel the need to force your views (the righting reflex), you will not be able to increase change talk.
In some cases respect for choices may lead you to withdraw support of various kinds and does not mean that you do not place boundaries or that you allow yourself to be exploited or abused. If you are being exploited or abused, professional help (for yourself) may be your best option.
Aside from professional help you can facilitate a place of respect and acceptance by firmly resolving to go on and create a meaningful life for yourself. You had a job, to raise a child and now your role is changing. You may need to find other jobs and roles to fill the void left by your child growing up.
Feel free to post comments and questions regarding your specific relationship with an emergent adult and I will respond as best I can.
Missy,
I recently read that wilson’s disease can cause psychopathy! So sometimes, it’s a physical genetic thing that is beyond your control.
As far as providing a good environment for her, you can do that by being the best role model you can be. You can get her books, like “why is it always about you?” about narcissism. I think that in some cases, introducing the subject of narcissism BEFORE talking about psychopaths, is helpful. The word psychopath is too scary at first glance. Using the word narcissist, introduces the symptoms and makes it easier to see. Then, when that information sinks in, you can get her books about psychopathy.
I don’t know if any of these ideas are helpful. I just know that trying to control a teenager, usually backfires. It just makes them more rebellious. That’s the age when they are testing their power. That’s natural.
It has been a very long time since my last post. At that time, I was raising a teen who was completely out of control. It was a horrible time. This site gave me the the outlet I needed to handle the trauma I was experiences. The advise was wonderful. Once my teen turned 18, I managed to get her a full ride in college. LOL .. I took her to college, helped her set up her room and shared what I thought was a wonderful moment. I had hoped that all of the counseling and medication would help her to take the opportunity given to her and make something out of her life. Instead, she got into so much trouble. I received calls from the campus police and I a choir member of mine had a god daughter there and apparently she wasn’t coming back to the dorm She was with different boys all night. The reports were bad. She blocked me from the campus website where I cold track her grades then she called and cursed me out something terrible. I let go then. I had to. She was technically an adult. I I heard from her once more and that was months later. I didn’t know where she was or what she was doing. She called from her uncle’s house. The uncle she didn’t like and wanted nothing to do with while she was with me She talked to me like I was a the worst person in the world. Her uncle was on the other end of the phone listening. He said nothing. I never allowed her to disrespect him or any other adult that way. I had to hand up on her and never heard from her again.
Now, she is talking and interacting with the family. This is the same family that wouldn’t help us. They wouldn’t invite her anywhere. They couldn’t be bothered. She has spent these years telling every family member lies about me. She has said that I was abusive. They wont tell me everything she said but I can tell they believe her. They make sly comments. I dont have any communications with my family unless its about one of our elders. It is amazing that all of these years she is still targeting me. We almost lost our home trying to care for her. We gave her the best mental and physical help we could find. There were trips and dance classes and cotillions. We poured all our love into her and now she seem to think she can turn everyone against me. I know that there are some people who love hearing anything negative. She showed up to the family reunion (invited by some of the petty cousins) and had 3 children and said that she was married. I know to take anything she says with a grain of salt. She played her so sweet roll in front of family members and waited until no one was around to give me the mean face. Somethings never change.
It feels like an old wound is being opened up. I have been in an abusive relationship and survived. Now, with this I find myself sinking into depression and I cant stop it. I have had 2 surgeries and I care for my elderly mother. Getting her out of my life was wonderful and a great relief.
jlarue – I am so sorry for what happened. Please know that you did everything you could. In some cases, the genetic trait is so strong that no amount of love and attention can prevent an at-risk child from becoming a disordered adult. Please grieve the loss, but know that she is making her own choices. She chose to turn away from you. I know it was painful, but getting her out of your life was the best thing you could do.