The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Thanks ErinB,
I am truly not the woman I was when I met the Bad Man. I still have my struggles in life but I am using them as the fuel to keep trudging forward, I suppose. Must go on… must survive… must get that education… HAHA!
Speaking of that… there is a tower of books sitting next to me that I need to get to. Some of the reading is horribly boring. Help! I can’t do it!
HAHA!
I will say this for anyone that is listening… when it rains it pours. When I left the Bad Man, things did not instantly get better. I had a big mess to wort out and it didn’t go quickly at first. I was spinning my wheels emotionally for about a year and half post Bad Man. Emotionally, I was not going forward and financially, I was sinking. I am usre now that I had PTSD but I did not realize it at the time.
The first book I read was called: Tears and Healing; The Journey to Light After an Abusive Relationship. I found this book by googling Borderline Personality Disorder. And after I read that book, it took me a few more months to find LF. LF was what I needed. I read obsessively for about 2 years until my friends practically did an intervention. No! Just kidding. But they were concerned with why I could do nothing else with my time. That’s when I started sailing again… something I hadn’t done in years. For anyone completely obsessing with LF… hear me now… I love LF but give yourself a night off and go out with friends, paint your bedroom a pretty color, take a bath, bake cookies… (or Turkey Meatloaf as I do!) find a way to laugh… It’s important to your healing.
Then return to LF for more good wisdom. All the wisdom we need is here. It just takes time to absorb it. Just today I read again: “He is the lie.” And “don’t take it personally” and “they do what they do because that is what they do.”
These are important concepts to integrate. They help you to unlock your heart from the battering and mind games that have you believing it was all you. It wasn’t you.
And let go of having your friends and family understand your experience. They do not, will not, can not. And that is okay. You have LF family for that. I found that trying to explain to ppl that this experience with the Bad Man was life altering for me… well, it was very unsatisfying trying to get them to get it. It made me feel crazy again. And I all I needed was peace.
When I think of the Bad Man these days, I feel absolutely nothing for him. I only miss me and the innocence I had… but with that innocence was all the girlish dreams of someone coming along and making my world okay. I have to make my world okay.
I have a savings account. I am going to school. I use all the love I have to give on the teens that I work with… they have very little support in their lives except for those of us that call ourselves MATRIX. I love that… “matrix.” A Matrix is a substance or a ground on which other structures are built.
I hope that is what LoveFraud is for people out there trying to cope with what happened. Use LoveFraud as your MATRIX on which you will build your understanding first of what happened but more importantly… of ourselves and why we allowed it to happen… and then upon that, we grow our new and stronger selves.
One of “my kids” just shared this quote with me:
Build your foundation with the bricks that others have thrown at you.
Isn’t that wonderful?
Aloha
Thanks JaneSmith!
I should stop by here more often for a little boost to the spirit!
You know, I have been having the same transformation…
“I no longer rely on any one person to satisfy my essential wants and needs.”
I no longer look for The One. I do not believe that there is someone out there that will fullfill all of my needs.
This is one challenge I have with my job is listening to the teen girls and all their unrealistic love fantasies. I suppose this is part of every woman’s journey. If I tried to tell them that there is no man that is going to fullfill all their dreams, I don’t think they would believe me at this point.
Anyway!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
E
Aloha:
What a wise young lady you are working with!
“Build your foundation with the bricks that others have thrown at you.”
that’s a keeper.
you will no doubt make a difference in these kids lives…..do to who you have become!
Keep talking to those kids….ONE day….they will remember your words!
Thanks again for your very uplifting and inspirational post…..
It’s the reality of healing……
Aloha,
Oh goodness, do I so hear you regarding listening to young women and their love fantasies!
Heck, I had them plenty when I was young. Took me many heartbreaks and disillusionments to finally have the message pounded in my concrete head that there is no gallant, white Knight in shining armor who is going to save me from loneliness and heartache.
And why should I even expect some fellow to save me from myself? That’s not his job, his purpose! It’s mine and solely my responsibity to nurture, cultivate serenity and happiness within myself. Noone elses.
How arrogant and naive I was to believe such a myth. Well, that silly myth has been dispelled, thank goodness, and I’m now moving onward and upward to true maturity. I hope…haha
Have a young friend at present who “fell head over heels in love” with a guy after one whole week. She considers him her sun, stars and moon.
I totally wish her happiness and true love, but since I’m older and hopefully a wee bit wiser, with an added dash of healthy skepticism, I would think it takes longer than a week or two to fall in love. Right?
More like endorphins, hormones, lust and infatuation taking place rather than love. But I don’t say a damn word. Just listen as a friend should because her life is her life and I won’t interfere with her dreams. Her lessons are hers to learn.
Peace
🙂
Has Chloe ever come back to give us an update? I just read this story about her and wondered if anyone has gotten an update?
Heres a good start!!
🙂
completely swept of my feet from the moment he said hello…….after several years alone, suddenly here is this man who just cant get enough me, makes me feel like the most amazing woman alive, 10 years my senior (poor, not attractive, not educated and low intelligence)…..possibly the attraction-the father I never had-…..for months I’d never felt so ‘alive”………then I would start to catch little white lies….and when I’d question him on them-he’d talk his way out of it with ease-this man could convince me he was the queen of england-then phone calls from other woman(of course people from work looking for information)…..then locking the doors and turning off his phone……..then slowly playing with my mind……after sex-laying in bed I’d say “I love you” and he he wouldnt say it back…..or during sex….he wouldnt kiss me………..then not hearinf from him for days a time……….and then suddenly getting 30 phonecalls/msn messages/ a day for weeks on end…..always a game of cat and mouse……eventually being convinced to move in with him-within weeks the secrecy-him always sitting online looking at other womens facebook profiles……going to the bar without me “every other night”…….after a few more weeks-me checking the computer for him message history and discovering he was cheating with 5 other women……me leaving-….within days coming back after the constant “I love you, I’ll never do it agains”….back on the “high” for a few months…….being closed off from friends and family (because of course they were causing all our problems! or so he brainwashed me into thinking)……trying to go meet a friend for lunch one day……him telling me if I left the house hed let the dog outside loose (I wouldnt leave because I knew shed run away)……then starting telling me how to dress, I wasnt allowed to wear my hair up (he only liked it down)……my mentality sinking…..so confused, I loved him so much and really beleived he loved me but just couldnt put my finger on what was going on…………….a friday night-took my daughter to the movies and left before he got home from work……when I got home around 10, he wasnt there, so I thought nothing of it and went to bed……awaken in the middle of the night by him in a drunken stuper asking me how I liked being out with the “other man”…..I begged and pleaded that I was with my daughter……..he grinned before he brutally raped me……waited for him to fall asleep…and left….went to my parents after not speaking to them for over a year and had a breakdown….ended up in the mental hospital suicidal….(learned later he had another woman to our house while I was in the hospital and laughed to her about how I was crazy and in the psyc unit while he was having sex with her)……..lost my job due to my breakdowns……….stayed away for about a month…….then once again fell for the “noone will ever love you as much as I dos”….back again……constant lies and cheating almost immediately….followed with the “if you didnt do this to me, I wouldnt do that to you”……started to beleive I was nuts and if I was better to him-we’d be happy again like in the beginning…….months pass of me being severely depressed and just when I’d be about to “break”……he’d lift me back up……became addicted like a crack addict to the “high” when he’d lift me back up……………..a party celebrating canada day had a wonderful day…….I left the party on our deck to use the washroom and stopped on the way back to go online and ask a friend (male) if hed like to come by to have a few drinks with us, he walked in and saw the message -pulled me out of the chair and began to hit and kick me before taking a baseball bat and smashing the computer monitor-needless to say party over (funny thing-not one person came to my rescue-everyone simply left)………..left again for a few months………………went through years of this back and forth cat and mouse game and have a million stories to tell………………and actually never left until a few weeks ago when I discovered what a “sociopath” really is……he of course has a new victim now and I have warned her……..noone will ever listen to me…..but I will never stay quiet again…….he no longer controls me…I now have the control. Im still somewhat of a mess-and actually find myself missing him at times…..I’ve come to learn this is normal…….and eachday it gets easier and the more educated I become the stronger I feel. During my time with him, I had noone to talk to so I turned to writing to get my feelings out, thought I’d share and hopefully my words can bring someone else comfort in knowing you are not alone:
In his eyes
a movie with my first born daughter
a night of popcorn and girl chatter
a night to remember of bonding and laughter
we part our ways at the end of the night
a memory to last for years to come
so happy to see her so full of delight
home by ten
a soft sweetdreams as I tuck my baby in
you at the bar, yet again
off to bed and feeling good
after a wonderful night with my bestgirl
I awake in the night and there you stood
stumbling and reaking of rum
an anger in your eyes i’d seen so many times
fumbling your words like a liquorstore bum
you laugh and say “I hope you had a good time”
I am dazed and confused and unsure what I’d done
you approach and say “this time you crossed the line”
you ask “how was he”
as you unfasten your belt
I cry and respond that I was with my baby
you yell as you say “you wont make a fool of me”
I plead and I beg
“I did nothing wrong, you’ll see”
as you held me tight against the bed
pulled yourself atop of me
there is nothing I could of said
I begged and cried
as you pinned my arms down
in that single moment my soul died
I lay in the bed and close my eyes
trying to remember a happier time
you are not listening to my cries
I eventually stop struggling and just lay still
my soul escapes me as I struggle to breathe
as you take me against my will
you finish and mumble “you liked that didnt you”
I turned away and just wished I could die
knowing all you want to to is argue
my son lay awake in his bed crying
asking himself over and over why
he cant comprehend why mom keeps trying
I wait patiently for you to fall asleep
knowing if I could just get to my son, I’d get out
The fear has never run so deep
my legs are numb and I can barely walk
you awaken before my feet hit the ground
and yell get back here we need to talk
my heart starts to pound and im consumed with fear
I make a run for his room
I need to get him out of here
never making it to that doorknob
grasping for the walls as you drag me down the hall
hearing in the distance my child sob
you pushed and you hit
telling me its my fault
I’d never seen anyone in such an angry fit
I’d hope and I’d pray
just let me be dreaming
god please just let me live another day
you throw me out the frontdoor
battered and beaten
barefoot in my nightgown you had tore
begging to let me have my son
you turn out the lights and leave me broken
satisfied because you have won
I make my way to my childs window
my nightgown completely soaken
I softly whisper “open the window so we can go”
driving away and remembering how it started such a good day
I look into his eyes and see the pain
he reaches for my hand and says “Im just glad you’re ok”
worse then the pain of what happened this night
is the guilt I feel for what I’ve done to him
the innocent witness to the ultimate fight
my head spins around and around the days of my life
I wonder if my child would still have a mom
had I become, your wife
I squeeze his hand and promise, I won’t go back
I promise this is it, no more pain and forgiveness
this was the final attack
He turns his head and I watch as a single tear falls down his cheek
I feel the pain in his heart as he turns to me and says
“That’s what you said lastweek”
I sit on the bed on that warm summer night
watching out the window at the beautiful moonlight
thoughts of my children growing up through the years
the moonlight gets blurred by my many tears
they are older now and no longer need me
I am weak and broken and so very lonely
aching to beleive I had finally found love
as I watched out the window at the stars above
releasing the walls I had up for so long
my hero at last so big and strong
sharing our lives and released from the dark
camping, the drive-in, the yardsales and even the water park
then one day you stopped being a friend to me
and started to become my worst enemy
the lies, the cheating, the constant pain
I became the target of your hearts distain
I lay in bed and do nothing but weep
I am so lost in my sadness I can no longer sleep
I sit up everynight trying to make sense of it all
and just wish to myself I had kept up that wall
as I sit accross our bed that night
I know I no longer have the strength to fight
I’ve finally surrendered to my hearts distress
while you are off with your latest mistress
I take the blade and watch as it sparkles in the light
knowing tonight is finally the night
as the blade caresses my exposed wrist
I start to feel the release as it begins to twist
the pain and the sadness escaping into thin air
as I look down at my bestdress I’d chosen to wear
finally escaping this body of mine
today you will remember me because its my day to shine
as the first drop hits the floor
I feel the peace of knowing there will be no more
I lay back on the bed and as my head hits the pillow
I start to imagine heaven all filled with lilacs and willows
I take my last breath and release the air once more
as I hear you come through the door
closing my eyes for the last time
finally the power, is all mine
you swear that you love me
but it’s hidden from others, god forbid they should see you are actually a “we”
you hide your messages online
afraid of what I’ll find
in facebook you’re single and a real ladies man
surfing applications for women to scam
you turn the ringer off on the phone
for fear of numbers that will be shown
you lock the frontdoor of your house when Im there
afraid of whom, may appear
you tell me I should trust
but my heart is full of nothing but disgust
I come to your place to get past harsh words that were said
to find her yet again, in your bed
it’s not the first time she has led you astray
and eachtime you promise you will push her away
the woman you promised me you would never again see
beleiving in your words and thinking you’d only love me
you meet me at the door and utter “its your own fault”
your words are the hardest assault
as I stand before you in shock and tears stream down my face
you hang your head in shame and disgrace
I walk away hoping you’ll follow after my broken heart
but you go back to her, more worried that she will part
I sit in tears and my heart breaks apart
the ever burning pierce of that freshly thrown dart
you finish your date and three hours later
message to say I have no reason to hate her
you beg for “one more chance”
but all I can see is your bodies enwrapped in a sexual dance
so many times I said “just once more”
because I had hoped and I prayed that I’d be the only one you’d adore
your actions speak louder then words ever can
was I just a pawn in your masterplan?
we make plans to build our dream home
A big house in the country with lots of room for the dog to roam
I wanted to beleive we’d live happily ever after
and fill our lives with love and laughter
you tell me I’m good for you and have made you a better man
was I so neive to beleive you’d ever take my hand
you say it is me, forever and ever
you’ve learned to manipulate me and now think that you are clever
you constantly betray my trust
only to surrender to your weakness and lust
there was Lorrie, and Dolly, and … and so many more
you threw away our life for a few easy whores
you take me for granted and do what you do
because I have been weak and allowed you to
you say that you miss me and that you’re sorry
but then turn to your ex Lori
you say if I forgive you
your heart will be true
but the truth is your unfaithful and unloyal at best
so from now on, you can have the rest
your words have become empty full of nothing but lies
and I am tired of being the only one who tries
my heart has become full of distrust and anger
your not the man I fell inlove with, youre nothing but a stranger
someday you will regret the way you have wronged me
but i’ll be long gone and finally…happy
you say noone could ever love me the way you do
I can only hope….that is far from true
because love isn’t cause for pain and mistrust
it’s not about giving into temptation and lust
love is about honesty and opening your heart
and never allowing others…to tare it apart
I’ve spent three years battered and abused
because when they said give it up, I refused
Im not the woman I used to be
and now it is time to look after, me
I am not perfect and never claimed to be
but I know I deserve more, then misery
I will not spend my life living with rejection and fear
so today is the last day that I will shed a tear
For you I pray you will learn to change your ways
or before you know it you’ll wake up old and gray
all alone and so sad
for you never got to see the love we could of had
but the truth as we know it is you’ll stay on the same path
because sadly you’re a sociopath.
Dear Debbie,
Thank you for sharing you story and your poetry…you have surely “been there” as most of us here have been. I’m glad you are safely away from him, though!
I’m glad you found this place of healing and there is comfort, knowledge and support here. Hang around a while! God bless.
I have been reading LF for months and the stories of all of you have opened my eyes and released my life from the chains of the Psychopath in my life. For the first time since I left him a year and a half ago I feel a sense of hope. To anyone else I would be ashamed to say I have been away from him for that long and still not over it. But now I see that it is OK. Thank each and every one of you.
I met my P when he was in prison. He was a good friend of one of my pen pals and we started writing letters because he had no outside communication, so he said. From there I started visiting him in prison every week for over six months. In this time I was never attracted to him romantically and didn’t even think he was cute. But I did enjoy being there for him and when it came time for him to go before the parole board I helped him by finding him several half way houses to apply to and writing letters to the parole board on his behalf. Low and behold he made parole and guess what, he was being paroled to the city I lived in. He told me the day that he would be released and expected me to be there to pick him up. I wasn’t there. So I got a letter that had an angry tone but nice enough that I responded. So I went to pick him up from the facility he was in and took him to do some of the things you must do when getting out of prison, drivers license, birth certificate and social security, etc.
I took him to Burger King for his first burger in 8 years and I loved his excitement. I wanted to take him to the Ferris wheel in downtown, I thought it would be a cool thing to do after being locked up so long. Well he told me that wasn’t on the top 7 things he wanted to do when he got out. I asked him what was on his list and he said that 1-7 were sexual acts. Well not being the least bit interested to him in that way I said OK what’s number 8? No response. So we ended up just driving around and talking for the rest of the time he was allowed to be out that day.
After that day I talked to him on the phone every day as I had given him a prepaid phone but he had to buy the minutes for it. He got great news, he had been accepted to work program in another city about 8 hours away. There he would be housed and guaranteed work as a welder. It was a great opportunity for him, only a few men are accepted. He said he didn’t want to take it because it was too far away from me. I told him that I was not his future and he would be crazy not to take it. I guess he ran out of minutes on his phone and we lost touch for about a month.
He called me from a friend’s phone and was doing great at his job and he would be able to get his own cell phone that Friday. We talked every day for hours on end. He kept begging me to come up and visit him but I really didn’t have the money to fly up there or the gas to drive. But I scraped up the money for a discount flight so I could spend his first birthday free in so long with him. He and the manager of the program that he was in and picked me up from the airport and we went to his apartment he shared with two other men. It was so much fun hanging out with him and I was so proud of him. We walked to the store so I could buy a cake mix so he would have a cake for his birthday. That night he cooked catfish and I made his cake. We drank a couple of beers and watched a movie.
I remember the exact moment he ensnared me in his trap. It was March 16th, we were sitting on a love seat and his roommates were on the couch next to us. I leaned up to get something out of my purse and he put his hand on my back. That was it. A wave of emotion blew through me and I wanted more of it. So that night I slept in his bed with him and we had sex after several hours of talking. He told me loved me and had for a long time. I was everything he could ever dream to have in a woman. When he woke up I was still in his arms and he kissed me and said I love you more than anything I have thought I loved in my life. We spent another two days together barely able to keep our hands off each other while he introduced me to his friends and people he worked with. Then I went home.
I should mention here that he had told me that he had a son who was born while he was in prison. He had kept contact with the mother but she was remarried and had four more children. He even said that he got a letter from her asking him to relinquish his rights to the boy.
When I got home I started thinking about moving there to be with him. What would that take? I had a house that I owned and three dogs. How could I do this? I would be moving in with him to a little apartment so I couldn’t take all my furniture not to mention I couldn’t afford a trailer to haul the lifetime of belongings I had. So I kind of put the idea on hold for a while. But I was planning a trip up there to spend a week with him. So on April 11th I packed up my car and one of my dogs and drove the 8 hours to be with him. It was one of the best times of my life. I was truly happy and in love. While he went to work I cleaned the house and cooked dinner and made sure his clothes were clean and ironed. He gave me money freely and I bought stuff to decorate his room. Well the week was coming to an end and I was needing to leave but I couldn’t. I called my mom to see if she would take care of my dogs and house for a little bit longer. I stayed for another week but had to leave for an appointment I couldn’t miss. However, by this time I had already decided that I was moving there to live with him.
So I am back at home and trying to start packing up my house, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus. I was missing him so much. Oh yeah and I left my dog up there with him while I came to take care of my appointment and get some important things from my house. After a few days of trying to gather what I wanted, I just got in my car and drove back to him. I abandoned my house and everything in it. I left all for my mom to deal with. How selfish and self centered I was. But I assured her I would come back in two weeks to help sort it all out. That never happened.
My poor mom had to pack my house and put all in storage and then put my house up for rent. Side note”Hurricane Ike destroyed 80% of my belongings as it flooded the storage building.
So there we are living happily ever after, he goes to work and I stay home and keep house and wait for him to get home. Once home I treated him like a king. I got up each morning an hour before him to cook him breakfast and get his work clothes out for him. This is what I always wanted in life. It seemed too good to be true.
Memorial Day weekend…he seemed distant but I was drinking and wasn’t too concerned until I noticed him go into the bathroom for his third shower of the day. Well, it all clicked. See I am an ex drug abuser and I can see the behaviors. I went into our room and looked in his wallet and all his paycheck was gone. I called him a crack head and several other names. Screaming that I know what he is doing. I got my dog and my computer and as I was walking out the door to leave him our roommate said it’s not crack that he’s doing. I was drunk and couldn’t drive so I drove to a parking lot about a hundred yards from our place and cried. Then the texts started coming. Then the calls started coming. This went on for around 2 hours and I finally went home. After a huge verbal and physical fight he admitted he had been getting high and asked me if I wanted to. I was drunk and I believe it was at that moment that I made the most destructive choice in my life. And that night we started our drug abuse together.
Still life went on. He went to work every day and I stayed home and did my work. Then he got a job assignment in a city two hours from where we were and at first he tried to make the commute but it was just wearing him down. So he started leaving on Monday morning and coming home on Friday evening. I know he wasn’t cheating on me because he was staying in a hotel room with 4 other men. It wasn’t a woman I was worried about it was the drugs. Anyway, one of the things that needed to be done was to get a file box and get all our papers in order. So I started going through his giant stack of papers and sorting and filing. This is when I come across some court papers, it was a judgment that he pay child support for two referenced children. WHAT? I have NEVER heard anything about this. My heart sank, I realized I had been lied to. I called him immediately and told him what I knew. He said he couldn’t talk about it right then but when he got home he would explain it all to me. I accepted that. So when he got home he said that he had a brief drug related affair with a girl he met in a half way house and she got pregnant. But he said he didn’t believe it was his. Still he stayed with her and then he went to jail and she wrote him to say she was pregnant again. He swore that there was no way this kid was his but he still let her put his name on the birth certificate. And that is why he has a child support judgment against him. I believed him. I mean if they were really his kids he would never deny them right? It must e true that he was duped.
more to come
Dear Handlebars,
Welcome, I’m glad you are away from him, and I ihope that you are putting your life back together again. I know that sometimes it takes a “long” time to put it back together and sometimes our friends don’t understand, but you can be sure that the LoveFraud bloggers do understand.
I’m glad you are here and that you know you are not alone! God bless.