The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
what happened next? you write so well…
Some very interesting, yet disturbing stories here…difficult to read when you too have been in the line of fire with a true sociopath.
I am less than a week into the realization that I too have been a target for almost 2 years, and didn’t see the full picture AT ALL. Even worse for me, I have a Masters in clinical Psychology and I’m finishing up my PhD in Psychology, out of everyone, I feel as if I should have figured it out. I’m writing here to highlight the depth and expertise they use to pretty much be able to fool anyone.
I’ll probably go in and talk to a therapist for a couple of sessions though to address my self doubt on my ability to judge character and fraud though.
I dated this guy, had no reason to doubt he was divorced when he said he was. He was living two lives in two states and traveled a lot for business. (the business was the true part) To be honest, I don’t have the stomach to go through all details of this relationship, I’m not sure it would help anyone to know those details.
What I can tell you and what I’d like to express is that you have to understand that there are no limits within their pursuit to manipulate and gain trust. Right down to wearing clothes to backup a story they told you, to driving and flying all over to leave a trail of proof, to being able to so expertly mimic an emotion, even without a prompt, that it’s hard to fathom. I was not taken for a dime in my situation, although I have uncovered at least 5 women that were. He has been married for over 20 years and has been able to convince his wife others are always the crazy or wrong ones, admitting he messed up, begging forgiveness, then putting himself in the role of victim.
I had a gut feeling that was nagging me about him..I had fallen in love, and he not only said he loved me back but actually always went out of his way to show it in his actions, always. I never saw a dark side..which was what started nagging me because we all have a side that isn’t so perfect. I started doing my own investigating and uncovered a disgusting trail of betrayal and pain this man has caused.
So, as I struggle with my own questions of how I didn’t see this for so long…my advice would be listen to your gut…highlight those little red flags you may ignore here and there. Our intuition is there as a protection and should at least encourage us to check into that feeling, wondering what may be the trigger.
I refuse to allow this jackass to now turn me into a bitter woman..such power he doesn’t deserve. Although it will take a bit of inner work to process this.
Please know anyone can and is fooled by these people, they can also pass lie detector tests because much of what they fabricate, they believe. Sites like this are wonderful places to vent and expose.
Blessings on all of you …
Dear Molly,
There are people here who are psychiatrists and have been fooled, others with psychology degrees and lots of letters after their names. This is one of the things I love about LF is that I can find people here with more education and smarter than I am who have been FOOLED too!@....... LOL I know that sounds awful, but it keeps me from feeling quite so STOOOOOPID!
ANYONE no matter how educated, or how smart can be fooled by these pseudo-humans. They lack the things that would make them human, a conscience and empathy. Because of that they can never bond, love, or have a normal relationship, but gosh they LOOK SO HUMAN and some even sound human. They are GREAT mimics.
Glad you are here Molly. I am a retired medical/psychology professional myself and I thought that should have protected me and it did not, I had a LOT of retrenching to do in my own personal psyche, a lot of changes. It’s been a long struggle and difficult road on which to walk, lots of it covered with self recriminations and broken glass of guilt, but the journey is worth it. Keep on plugging. This is an experience that will lend a real compassion and authenticy to your practice, so there will be a great deal of good come out of this both personally and professionally, but it is WORK to pass this “class.” It will take time, study and a painful tuition to the school of hard knocks but it will be the best post-doc you could have for your doctoral degree. (((hugs)))) and God bless.
What a sad story. I really feel bad for this woman. Interestinly enough the sociopath I was with came from an small island too. Interesting…
Wow, that story really hit home though thankfully I was never in so deep — but pretty much all the same tactics were used on me. The letter and subsequent article really are helpful in highlighting the reasons why it’s so hard to leave and so painful and confusing once we do. “I don’t want to be with him and I don’t want to be without him” and “I don’t want to him to be with anybody else” I feel exactly the same way, and it feels so crazy, because I HATE him too.
It’s good to hear the process of detachment defined once again as going cold turkey off a drug, because that’s what it feels like exactly. I went cold turkey off a prescription drug once, and I basically ended up in full panic mode at the emergency room — nothing ever happened to me like that in my LIFE — and I would still say, this feels WORSE and will be more painful much longer.
I hope the (very) young woman in this story got out and never looks back. Interestingly, my Spath was also a similar older age to a woman he lived with (he early 30s she 18) for 7 years. I think I was the oldest woman he had been with (2 years younger than he). It’s easier with the young ones, I’m thinking… age and experience got me out in 10 months instead of 7 years so I’ll consider myself lucky.
No one can get this unless they get it — that is, been through it. I will say, it’s a club I wish to heck I didn’t belong to.
Molly – you hit on something i have been thinking about a lot lately ‘I never saw a dark side..which was what started nagging me because we all have a side that isn’t so perfect. ‘
the lack of an apparent dark side was what drew me to the ppath. now i wonder if that was the fantasy she tapped – my desire to be with someone like me, but whose innocence made me feel quite safe. many people with my interests, desires and proclivities are quite jaded – i am not. and i thought she wasn’t either.
she was more horrible than i ever could have imagined. it still shakes my world perception.
When I was dumped by my soc ex. I asked her to respect my privacy by destroying the sex videos and photos she took. She replied “I am keeping them, they mean a lot to me!” – I see now that it was just blackmail.
Another thing. I am convinced that she used to wet the bed. Like weeing in the night. One time there was a pool of damp on the matress when I woke up, and I said what the hell is that. She calming and jokingly replied the “love lake” which came out of me. Yet the more I thought about it I now think she pee’d on the bed. She diverted the issue to me and used flattery about my virility. It was total BS. I am talking about a large area of damp like someone poured a bottle of water on the matress.
She also woke up in a pool of “sweat” in the mornings and I now wondering if bed wetting in adult psychopaths is something others have experienced? Funny how you forget these things and then you have like a repressed memory which comes out later.
Frank Lee Speaking,
When I read your post, I was wondering if your ex might have been going through menopause, experiencing night sweats (which could dampen the sheets). There are other underlying medical conditions that could cause a person to have night sweats, being able to check this out on your own via an internet search.
Bluejay, she was in her mid 30’s and has been pregnant since then. So it wasn’t menopause. The sweats were so odd. Like even during hot weather the sweat was like ‘cold’. Hard to describe.
Another thing is I can’t ever recall her having told me she had a dream, and she used to wake up and fall asleep instantly. eyes close; deep sleep – eyes opened; instant waking with no stretching or anything. Out of the bed like a robot. Amazing to see.
Can’t speak to the possible sleep-urination, but I will say that I’m in my mid-40s, not menopausal and have had off and on night sweats since probably my mid-thirties. Never have really known why and as it seems to come and go, I just don’t worry about it. I think I’ve mentioned it to doctors and probably they’ve ruled out anything that was likely and that was that.
The other sleep stuff, that is different I think… as I posted earlier my exSpath would wake up and look odd, like he didn’t know where he was. Knowing something of his childhood (and guessing at some other stuff from his behavior) I always just wondered if there was some abuse that took place at night when he was a child that he would be reliving when he woke in the present day. Can’t really say, and he sure wasn’t going to enlighten me, if he even knew.
Heck he dissociated so bad that the last time we ever had sex he spent an hour afterwards trying to remember why he got up and moved from one side of the bed to the other (before the sex). It really bugged him that he couldn’t remember… I’m like, well people get up all the time and forget what they got up to do, it’s just something like that. But he couldn’t let go of it, I’m pretty sure the evening ended on that thought, in fact.