The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Frank Lee Speaking,
I used to be amazed by how my h-spath (who was the source of much DRAMA in our lives) could go to sleep so easily. If there was unrest (problems) that we had to deal with, my sleep would be affected, being unable to get a good night’s sleep, my mind worrying, keeping me awake. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he was “out like a light,” getting up early to go to his work, his sleep certainly not being disturbed.
Bluejay,
Mine would do the same thing with sleep. We could have a bad fight and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all and he would sleep like a baby. He would get upset if I kept the light on to read before I went to sleep. He would sigh and look at the clock and say that he needed complete darkness to sleep. If it was dark, it wouldn’t matter if I were blubbering next to him, he could go right to sleep, no problem.
It was always about his needs.
Mine could live on hardly any sleep at all and it seemed not to phase him at all. He was a surgeon on call all night at a level 1 trauma center. Sometimes he would operate all night after working all day and then sleep an hour, get up and do rounds on his patients and then come to my house. This was a man who was worried about satisfying me with sex cuz he was 53. He said that he had problems when he was tired. NOT-the man could go without sleep like that and then have multiple orgasms in bed. And HE was worried about keeping up with 37 year old ME!!!!
Frank lee,
The “night sweats” can be from a variety of health issues as well as poor temperature regulation of a person. My husband had them for years and years, I had to use a pad under the sheet to keep him from ruining the mattress. I’ve had them occasioanly. Menopause is only one of a variety of causes from TB infection on to diabetes.
She might very well have “wet the bed” but at this point would be hard to prove or really speculate about. Aghain there are many causes for bed wetting, some physical and some psychological. Alcohol intake can cause it as well.
Just thank your lucky stars you are not still sleeping there! You escaped!
I’m going on 38 and I have hot flashes when I’m stressed out. I had them much more when I was with the spath but hardly at all since the discard. I guess that was my body crying out to me that I shouldn’t be with him-too bad I wasn’t listening. It’s amazing what you figure out once it’s over! The pain I felt from the discard, losing my “love” and the humiliation was worth it now since I’m passed it. It was the only way that I would learn that I had a severe paralyzing self hatred for the last 28 years of my life. Now I have to fix that!
Nothing upset my exhusband (not same as Spath) enough to keep him from sleep, NOTHING. No discernible personality disorder, just a completely emotionally unavailable person who never met a worry he could be bothered to entertain. Head on the pillow sound asleep. Work is probably the only thing ever caused any stress at all.
What can I say, emotionally useless or personality disordered men of all stripes are apparently my specialty.
shellshocked,
I hear you – hoping that we don’t have to repeat the same mistake for the rest of our lives, being with emotionally unavailable men, wanting (and needing) more than that for ourselves.
Frank Lee – the sweating and waking / falling aslee instantly have been noted by many many targets of socios – it seems to be a common factor in addition to the predatory stare and surviving on very little sleep.
I’ve been thinking about the DSM criteria for diagnosis and realising more and more that it’s pretty useless for socios that stay on the right side of the law. A socio thinks they are perfect so won’t willingly go for counselling or therapy, therefore isn’t likely to be formally diagnosed by anyone in authority. What it is useful for is as a checklist for victims … but it can easily be disparaged by the socio who denies everything and usually starts a smear campaign against the target – particularly about their mental health (or rather lack of it).
The mental health professionals (unless specialists in personality disorders) seem just as confused as the general public about the diagnosis and it seems there is a great reluctance to give this diagnosis – maybe because there is no hope of treatment or cure? I really hope the new ‘psychopathic type’ criteria makes the issue clearer and that public education is made easier as a result. Our only hope as a society is to warn the public about these people – in reality it isn’t possible to lock them all up to protect everyone so education is an absolute must.
I hope that Chloe listens to what everyone has written and takes it seriously. The good thing is she’s aware enough to articulate what is going on in this dynamic – after nearly a decade of abuse from the socio, I was too confused as to who was at fault to separate fact from fiction. I was enchanted and believed everything he fed me. Naturally I felt totally dependent on him as I was isolated from all my friends and family and had the lowest self esteem of my life. This does somewhat complicate the process of being able to leave. But leaving is the only option – they DON’T EVER CHANGE DESPITE PROMISES, PLEADING, AND ALL OTHER MANIPULATIONS.
Life slowly returns to normal once the socio is out of your life and you realise they were totally the cause of the horrible roller coaster you were on. Life is peaceful without them – hard at first but it slowly gets better.
Chloe I wish you all the best for the future – you’re young enough to get over this. Don’t be like those of us who believed the lies and wasted the best years of life with these monsters. Just hold on to who you were before this and remember how life was before he entered it.
This is so good to know that I was not the only one who was amazed by the weird sleeping and general bizarre sleep patterns of my sociopath was noticed in others.
I came to the conclusion that she (and your own ex sociopaths) fall asleep instantly, and without problems, is that they have no inner world were they process the events of the day that has been. The trials and tribulations, unlike a normal person they do not mull the events over in their minds no matter how upsetting they would be for another human being.
Another thing I noticed was how she would eat any kind of food for breakfast. Whatever food on hand would do. If no cereal she would have lobster, chicken pate, shrimp, pickles anything. It was just food to keep it alive. I used to wonder if she got up hungry and there would no food at all would see eat my pet hamster?
Cloe, short and simple, we know what we are talking about, LEAVE. Seems to me the stranglers always do it again, and worst and then one day they don’t stop.
Don’t worry, you’ll make it, I can tell by what he’s saying you are a very intelligent and attractive woman, or he would be working so hard to undermine you. I spent 14 years with mine, after three years I am just getting able to leave the house by myself. When I met him I was independent and happy, if lonely. I had a job I loved and was starting to finally get my life in order from my last abusive marriage. My guy was fairly perfect for the first six months. Prob because I didn’t ask anything of him, I worked, he stayed home. He was always laid back and sweet to me. I gained weight from a health problem, but that was ok, he liked me better that way. Uh huh. Because I wasn’t going out anymore with friends and he didn’t have to worry about me ditching him for someone (anyone) better.
By the time he was done with me I was at deaths door and afraid to leave the house. I’m disabled now. Cloe, MOVE! I know exactly the feelings you have, I couldn’t even imagine my life without X. Everything revolved around him. Two days after he was gone, my daughter looked at me and told me I looked better than I had for years….and I’d been crying non stop. Once he was out the door I was shocked to discover how little he really did for me. And yes, I missed him because I loved him very much and I thought he was my best friend. I never ONCE considered letting back in my life, I didn’t even play the “but what if he changes and gets better” game with myself. I mourn for what I once believed in, but I do not mourn for him, because everything he was, was a lie. Broke, homeless and deathly ill, it was STILL better without him. Oh, and since it turned out he was the reason I was deathly ill, my health improved.
If you can’t get friends and family to help, call a woman’s crisis center. This is what they do, get women to a safe place and help them get on their feet again. It’ll be rough for awhile, but the freedom will make you wonder why you ever stayed so long.