The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Oh, Got rid of that that Joint account Loooooong ago.
Just pissed that he did it at all. It was already brought up in front of the judge, at which point my attorney assured the court that we would gladly take it out of the $3,000 he owes me.
OK, OK. None of this will go together but….
So why do younger women go with older men? Maybe they were the victim of a sociopath who took nearly everything from them and gave nothing back (not just money). And I wouldn’t NOT date a man because he was older. I’m not looking for a father-just someone who might not be online looking at porn every night, doesn’t play video games, isn’t interested in running a “game” on me. Hey-but I am only talking about men who are single. I am not going after a married/attached man. I have been on the other side of that and I know how much that hurts. I have had offers from married men and it just makes me sick.
But the funny thing is- most of the time the younger women eventually leaves the older man when she gets what she wants from him! Sucker! Don’t these people watch the news or anything?
And then- you are all soooo right! I think people would believe that I was abducted by aliens before they believed that this man is totally crazy and a major sociopath.
AND-speaking of repressed memory and OMG no one would believe he is this crazy= he drugged me with GHB (kinda for fun I guess-for him). I got really sick- could barely breathe-he hid my phone so I couldn’t call for an ambulance. Then he put me in the shower to drown out the sounds of my dry heaving (he put it in my drink). ONE drink doesn’t make me or anyone else this way. And he left me in the shower!! Luckily- we were at a hotel so I never ran out of warm water. A few hours later when I came to I found him sound asleep on the couch.
I think that was his first “practice” at murder.
My parents want me to fight him out in court. I am so glad I found this site or I might be stupid enough to listen to them. Another thing- I love the books that everyone talks about on here- get the book “The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin De Becker. It will really really make you think.
The fog- oh my God- the FOG- I was in it so long I still fall back in it sometimes.
I forgot to say in the above post that I denied to myself that he had drugged me- failed to help- all but left me for dead.- I was in the FOG. That fog- it’s dangerous stuff. I only remembered recently in a flashback kind of way. ONLY because I’m coming out of the fog.
And the other thing that I never really thought about is how his first wife left him and her kids to get away from him. HE made it out like she was all f-ed up. But then again he made her crazy. So beware if you have a man who has children from a prior relationship that the woman left (probably so she wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.). Oh and bonus points if he isn’t the one really taking care of them. Especially if good old Grandma and Grandpa are available. Or even better- you- the free babysitter- who he can then turn around and borrow money from. Then never pay you back.
So classic-don’t cha think?
katiebug11, yes, sounds totally classic. I am so glad you are out of the fog, I was in it a long time, most of my life, then I made it here, as one poster called it: The LF Emergency Room!!!!!
“So why do younger women go with older men?”
I have no idea but it is happening to me more and more. I am 45 now and I have probably had more very attractive and often beautiful 20 something women who could have any guy they want throwing themselves at me. I am very happy in a loving relationship with a beautiful woman my own age so it just amuses me. But I was thinking why now I am suddenly so desireable to these young women? I am OK looking, have an average income, and nothing really special about me. I think there is a “Father Figure” type thing going on. It’s interesting alright.
FrankLee I am one of those women who are attracted to older me. I don’t want a father. I have a great one already and I don’t need another one.
I am overweight now and my confidence is low. Most older guys that I’ve met seem to be less shallow than guys my own age. Many guys my age don’t want to give me a chance. They don’t care that I am more than just extra pounds.
I also tend to be able to find older guys who are more grounded and intelligent. I don’t want to have to try and have a stimulating and intelligent conversation with someone that I have to pull away from video games/computer games. I also like to be with a man who wears his pants up where they’re supposed to be with a belt shirt tucked in compared to underwear/ass crack hanging out. I am also not attracted to people covered with tats and piercings. I have found older guys to fit more into what I described here as attractive to me.
I did also learn with my ex spath though that age doesn’t equate with maturity. He fit into what I described above. He was 53 and I was 37. He was so incredibly handsome and we had SO much in common. He was my best friend and the chemistry and sex was unbelievable. He is a coward though and a child in a man’s body. I didn’t find that out until he discarded me. I had to do all the research and it crushed me to find out that he was “wearing a mask” with me. He is really a malignant narcissist (dangerous) and needs to be diagnosed. He never will be diagnosed though because he can fool a therapist too. I read some articles the other night about malignant narcissism and I got chills. It described him so perfectly and it was frightening that I could fall for someone like that.
From now on, I will be more selective. Instead of just picking older guys, I will be more open to people my age. I may just have to work harder searching to find someone compatible who is not dangerous.
Very interesting erin. I think low self esteem is an issue even for beautiful young women and even handsome young men which makes the sociopath’s task more easy. How many times have we asked ourselves “what’s a beautiful nice girl like her doing with that ugly creep!”
Recently I was in an art gallery and I was sitting down looking at a painting and this stunningly beautiful latin looking girl sits next to me. She tells me she is Portuguese and could I help her with the painting titles as her English reading was not the best. I would of done this for anyone, but as we moved around the gallery she was more and more looking into my eyes with a huge smile, and less at the paintings with this almost spellbound look on her face and a big dreamy smile. She asked me to go for coffee to say thank you to me and even though I went home to my beloved of course, all the time she was sending out messages and it was very intimidating as I must have been 25 years her senior. On one hand you are flattered, on the other you are like “WTF!” – but it makes you realise how easy it is for sociopaths to take advantage of beautiful young women too. She had a kind of a hippy chick image and not like a hot young babe thing image at all, but all the men and women who walked by just looked at how beautiful she was and yet she seemed unaware of it herself. Perfect prey for sociopaths. Kinda sad.
Frank Lee, are you kidding me. She was a psychopath. Because you didn’t notice her, she insured you did!
Frank Lee, she used the oldest trick in the book. Go after the person that pays you no mind and act like you need help! A person like her eats committed guys like you for breakfast. Committed people in good, loving, relationships are the true test for their skills to get you to cheat.
“what’s a beautiful nice girl like her doing with that ugly creep!”
Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and state the obvious.
99.9% of the time that “ugly creep” is loaded with millions of $$.
That’s what it usually boils down to when you see a beautiful young girl with a much older man…especially when the man is not that attractive.
It’s all about the Benjamins and the stability he can provide!!!
Everyone knows these things, right?