The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
the spath bankrupted me. my salary is now half of what it was. an hour or so ago, i received an email from my landlord that my rent is going up another 100 bucks + i owe another 100 for the security deposit. after i pay my rent each month, i have 300 left. i live in nyc. i’m scrounging to make ends meet. already sold everything i can on ebay. i can’t move because of the bankruptcy. my point is: when i got the email my entire being just panicked; it was a total breakdown of despair. i was in a good mood and became immediately and seriously depressed. i have been uncontrollably sobbing for over an hour.
but i also just realized that it’s nothing but a trauma response. it’s all part of the same PTSD thing. my safety — my very survival — is again being threatened, i’m under another man’s thumb, i’m being victimized yet again.
in actuality, what’s standing between me and the sense of safety i had just before i got the email is really only $200. i don’t know how i’ll get it, but part of the healing is getting past the shock our systems can so easily feel when we again encounter ANY threat.
our safety has been so violated and our reactions so compromised, we revert to panic mode each time. i’m amazed it didn’t take a day or two of panic to get to this point. just a few hours of breakdown. then, amazingly, perspective.
do i hear a ‘towanda?”
Dear LIG,
Yes, TOWANDA!!!! I know what you mean about the “breakdown” and I remember so clearly the day I ran into my egg donor at the grocery and how I PANICKED and felt that adrenaline rush that LITERALLY MADE ME ILL…SICK TO MY STOMACH. I felt that way for 18 hours, like I could PUKE!!! Then, I felt better and I REALIZED that “hey, I USED TO LIVE LIKE THAT 24/7 and now, in ONLY 18 hours I am back to BASELINE.”
My “baseline” had been PANIC 24/7 for years—and slowly as I healed the baseline decreased until it was at a REASONABLE level of alertness.
Of course I panicked when I saw her—INSTANT RESPONSE—but then, I DIDN’T STAY PANICKED.
You didn’t either, so A GREAT BIG TOWANDA!!!!!! You are moving forward so that you are not in that PANIC MODE ALL THE TIME. That is a GREAT SIGN LIG!!!!!
The AH HA moment when you realized that what you had panicked over wasn’t good, but it wasn’t the END OF THE WORLD either.
It is difficult ot make good decisions when we are in a panic—but remember how the asses act when there is a Threat. They may jump and run a ways, but unlike a horse which just keeps on running–through fences and other things—the ass runs a ways, but then STOPS, takes a breath, and ASSESSES the situation to see 1) if they need to keep on running 2) if they need to turn and fight, and if they do need to run 3) WHICH DIRECTION?
Maybe you can talk to your land lord and see if you can spread the extra hundred bucks in security deposit out over 4 months. Sometimes people will be really reasonable if you just explain to him what is going on. If you’ve lived there a while he might be more understanding than hateful. It won’t hurt to ask…besides…if you give him anything toward the extra security I doubt that he will be able to evict you. Even if you stop paying the rent it usually takes 90 days or more to evict someone from a rental (I used to have rentals so I can tell you, even getting rid of a dead beat is costly and time consuming.)
Take care and God bless. (((hugs))))
thanks oxy. problem is, even though i came out of panic hours ago, i still feel sick. i felt wonderful this morning; happy, rarin’ to go. but that panic response did take its toll. i’m achey all over, nauseous and exhausted.
amazing how our bodies respond to stress. but to have the retrospection is a godsend.
interesting about an ‘ass’ (at first i thought you meant spaths … lol) stopping and a horse not. never knew that. you learn something every day!
LIG,
When I am in crisis (which feels like a lot these days) I listen to this. I have it bookmarked.
Leonard Cohen’s/Webb Sisters singing “If it Be Your Will”.
It is just so soothing to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPqAcV_aJvg&feature=related
like the voices of angels….
God Bless! You are in my prayers and thoughts today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEzRXjg1rYE
Lenny singing the song.
Like the voice of God.
ahhhhhhh………..
and antony:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKhGKB6faW0
an amazing song yes!
Lenny is the MAN!!
lovely song! thanks
beautiful song. thanks.
Dear LIG,
Yep, horses, for all their beauty and grace are dumb as dirt, they get scared and run hell bent for leather to their deaths. If one gets his foot caught in a wire, he will break his leg trying to get free in a panic.
An ass on the other hand (donkey) if his leg is caught will try to figure out a way to get loose but he will NOT panic and hurt himself. If he can’t get loose he will bray until someone comes to get him loose if he is a domestic animal. If not, he will stand there and starve but he will not injure himself by flailing around.
A horse will get into the barn and eat until he explodes and colics and dies if the feed barrel is open, not a donkey he will eat til he is satisfied and quit before he gets sick.
A horse will panic and run through fences for miles until he cuts himself up so bad he bleeds to death. Not an ass. He runs a little ways, stops and reassesses the situation until he is sure of what is best to do. An ass (or a mule, half donkey half horse but smart like an ass) will fight with their teeth and front feet and kill a mountain lion, a horse will just try to get away. I even have a series of photos of a mule killing a mountain lion. The rider had gotten off but the mule attacked the mountain lion and killed it then stomped on the dead lion, mauled it!
Don’t let some stupid neighbor’s dog or a coyote come on my place and try to hurt something, Fat and Hairy will put it under the fence in a heart beat!
When we PANIC we lose sight of good sense. We may actually get ourselves into trouble trying to get away. Kind of like a cat trying to get traction on a hot tin roof!
RECOGNIZING when we are panicked is important. YOU DID THAT! Then, stopping and taking an assessment of what the proper action is is next. YOU DID THAT. So now we are using our THINKING BRAIN instead of our REACTING BRAIN to make decisions.
Sure, we panicked at first, but that’s okay—we didn’t fly off in all directions. It DOES take a little while to physically “get over” a dose of adrenaline. Here in the south we call it the “SHOT AT AND MISSED, and CHIT AT AND HIT” syndrome. It is a weak sick feeling in the bottom of our stomach, (actually the body dumps large amounts of glucose out of storage in the liver into the blood stream when you are panicked, (fight or flight reaction) and it DOES leave you weak for a while til those stores are replenished. So there IS a physical reason you feel that way!)
Just take it easy for a day or so until your body recovers, be good to yourself, rest, eat well, and do whatever relaxes you. It IS NICE TO KNOW THOUGH, that your “baseline” level of stress hormones is DOWN from what it was before you started to recover. That is a good piece of information and shows you ARE making progress toward recovery and healing. I say TOWANDA for you!~!!!