The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Chloe:
You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let this 2-year relationship turn into a 10-year ordeal.
Only you can determine what this relationship is costing you.
There are people on this site who have lost a lot of money, not necessarily time in their toxic relationships, or their health has declined, or their self-esteem is at an all-time low, etc. There are a lot of “cost factors” to look at in any relationship.
But, it is pretty obvious this guy is going to “work on you” until there is nothing left. GET OUT!
Dear Chloe,
Your story reminds so much of mine….
Especially when you said
“I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe.”
I remember wishing that by some miracle he would just go away, but I just could not bear myself of ending the relationship. The idea of being with him made my feel that same feeling you describe. It felt like being sentenced to death penalty.
If I could go back, I would have dumped him very early on. Unfortunately I spent 7 years with this a–hole. He has drilled into my head that he has “saved” me and that I was a mess. He said he put me on the right track. He also controled the way I dressed, he wanted me to wear clothes just like him, baggy black t-shirts and shorts. He would not tell me outright what to wear, but if I wore something he did not approve he would just shake his head and grimace his face. Or say something racist like “wow that top looks like something a big titty black momma would wear”
He even shaved my head. He filmed the head shaving, and to this day I am terrified that the film will re-surface on some freaky web-site. He also filmed me once drunk, just to show me how f***ed up I was in his opinion.
I would drink occasionaly with friends but never been a drinker or a bad drunk. In fact I am pretty level headed and friendly after a drink or two. But I think he filmed me to shame me and keep this as a proof, leverage of my dysfunction.
Of course all his previous girlfriends were messed up. I would be curious to talk to them and see.
Chloe, I would say RUN!
The s I was with unceremouniously dumped me and never to hear from him again. So Chloe, save face, get rid of him before you get discarded.
It just occurred to me, a relationship with a sociopath can either be brief (like a roadside bomb), or it can be long and drawn out (like something toxic in the drinking water).
Either way, the end result is devastating, and usually leaves the victim in a “fetal position”.
Rosa said: “But, it is pretty obvious this guy is going to “work on you” until there is nothing left. GET OUT!”
Read what Rosa said over and over again Chloe as many times as it takes to sink in. That WILL be the end result, unless you get out asap, as Rosa has summed it up perfectly . Don’t get caught up in trying to figure him out as to what he may or may not be (diagnosis wise). He is dangerous to you, period, and that is what you need to understand.
You are not alone, we understand. So many of us before you have gone thru this and struggled to find the strength and the way to get out and stay out. IMO the best route is to leave and immediately cut off all means of access he might have to you so he cannot mess with your mind.
And keep in mind this: I read an article by a forensic psychiatrist the other day and she was talking about autoeroticism (I think that is what you call it, where people get sexually excited from people starting to strangle them, then releasing them etc), but anyway she said what people tend to forget is how little it actually takes to strangle you to the point of death and that is how so many sexual stranglulations take place–accidentally I mean.
Yeah your boyfriend is doing crappy other things like making insulting remarks and isolating you and breaking cell phones etc., but the MAIN thing IMO you need to remember is that it has already escalated to where YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ALREADY PUTTING HIS HANDS AROUND YOUR NECK STRANGLING YOU. Maybe his intention is only to frighten you since he lets you go. But REGARDLESS of what his intention is or is not, think about what that forensic psychiatrist said about how EASY it is to accidentally strangle someone (when you don’t intend to) to the point of DEATH. This man is already to the point of engaging in the type of behavior where he could EASILY KILL YOU even if that is not his intention. You are dealing with behavior from this guy that is IMO like playing with a loaded gun. RUN RUN RUN, Chloe!!!
His fiancee “said she was going home for the week and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement.”
Chloe, have you checked into this claim to make sure it is the truth??? Is she even still ALIVE???
This story about the fiancee being brainwashed by a therapist back home sounds like bullshit, to me.
In fact, I think I see some PROJECTION going on here. It was not the therapist back home who did the “mindf*cking”, it was your photographer boyfriend.
The more I think about it, this guy is DANGEROUS. He could have strangled the fiancee, and thrown her into the ocean or something.
There are some creepy similarities to OJ Simpson and Drew Peterson, if you ask me.
GET OUT CHLOE! HE IS NOTHING TO PLAY WITH!!
Dear Chloe,
Yes, you can be “traced” by your public records, utilitiy bills and so on, BUT, that said there ARE WAYS TO “disappear” legally and NOT be traced. Any good private investigator can advise you on thsi and they usually do NOT charge an arm and a let give you some hints.
Two years ago I had to “leave town in a hurry” and not leave a traceable record (my P-son was trying to kill me) I bought an Recreational vehicle (licensed it at my home address–and since I was no longer there it did not leave a paper trail to where I WAS staying) then “traveled” and if you are not hooked up to utilities in your name, WAH LA!@....... No records.
Since my tow vehicle was licensed and insured at my home address (my leagal address) there was NO way other than to find me physically that I could be traced. I banked by mail, paid bills by internet and mail, had a PO box at my local post office (and you can get the postal service to forward this to you weekly anywhere in the world, or you can have your mail forwarded to a friend’s house, or one of those postal rental boxes that forwards mail, there are all kinds of options.
Long story short, I couldn’t sell my house or rent it out, but it is paid for so didn’t cost me anything except “base” utilities. and I have a cell phone (bills sent to the house) and an “air card” on my phone for computer access, and so on. So there are all kinds of ways to “disappear.” If you must work (I am retired) as long as you dont’ have a job or profession where you must keep a current LICENSE you are okay. If you have like a nurse’s license, you can travel in the “compact” states without ever changing your address (like the traveling nurses do) and since you will be changing jobs every 6 weeks or so, moving to different states, etc. you are about untraceable there too.
Of course, you are hiding from an INDIVIDUAL NOT THE FBI so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to hide from even the smartest individual.
If you have kids you may have to move and home school them, or keep them off the radar entirely by just not registering them for the “home school” thing with the state but tell anyone you meet that you do. Change your name legally or just start calling yourself something similar to your real name but so it won’t show up on a “search” Like if your name is Sims, start writing it with an e between the last two letters simEs, or if your name is Sue Ann smith, start calling yourself Anne or Anna Smyth,
Work underground for cash if you must, baby sit, hou8se sit, walk dogs, or clean houses, do yard work, or buy stuff and resell at yard sales or flea markets. There are migrant farm jobs as well and there are lots of people who follow the farm work, it is tough work, but keeps you on the move. Get a seasonal job in a state or national park.
There are also “mobile jobs” with various groups as a vendor, the Scottish societies have people who travel to all teh Scottish festivals and sell things, ones who travel to car shows, others who travel to gun shows, etc etc. so whatever your interests are there are groups who put on events that have vendors and you could make a cash living being part of that group. I know a man who makes over $100K a year selling hats at various festivals. He tows a small stock trailer with a tent behind his RV and goes to festivals lasting 6 weeks to as short as 3 days.
If you are in a situation that is unliveable, with little or “no money down” you CAN “Get the heck out of Dodge” and find safer places to live, no matter what your circumstances are.
You can park an RV in any wal mart parking lot in the nation for free and they are fairly safe there and no nosey neighbors to give you away.
One of the nice things about RV life is that it is PORTABLE at a moment’s notice. I am currently back in my own home now, but my RV still sits in my yard, fully loaded with propane, water, and all the supplies needed, and ready to haul arse at a moment’s notice for parts unknown. If you have a friend who has a lake or mountain house most of the time they willl let you park there, BUT BE CAREFUL OF YOUR FRIENDS, AND ONLY TELL THE ONES YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY TRUST.
Besides my sons, there were only 3 friends who had any idea where I was or how to reach me physically. I chose those 3 people because I knew they would endure bamboo splinters under their nails before they would betray my whereabouts.
Don’t stay with someone you might be injured by because you think you have no choices, YOU DO HAVE CHOICES!
Chloe,
Here’s the really good news in your letter. You recognized that there is something wrong with you. You listed all the conflicts in your thinking. The fears you’re living with. The weakening of your self-confidence. The uncertainty about what freedom means.
You are not the person you were when he met you. And that’s really important, because now you have to think about taking care of yourself. Getting well.
Sociopaths are like slow poisoners. You know this already. It’s one little dose after another. If you start to recognize that they’re making you sick, they may give you a big dose to slow you down even more. The longer it goes on, the more you have to fight the emotional and intellectual sluggishness and confusion. If you look at yourself, read the letter as we read it, you’ll see it’s true.
The first and most important thing you have to do is stop ingesting the poison. That means that you have to get away. It sounds like you might have to plan it quietly. And that’s going to mean that you have to create a private area of your mind that truly believes this is important, no matter what else in going on in there.
This is something we’ve all had to do. Relationships with sociopaths, especially ones that go on for a while, include this type of confusion. Virtually all of us lost our confidence in ourselves, felt like we didn’t have enough strength or resources to make another life, and struggled with overwhelming feelings of attachment and dependence. You are not alone in this.
Everyone here had to escape in one way or another. Whether it was physically getting away from them, or extricating ourselves from all this emotional and mental confusion. All of us began with a belief, often hidden away in one small corner of ourselves, that we were being victimized and that we and our lives could be better.
If you look at your history with him, you can see how it’s going. It’s not going to get better. It’s going to get worse. He will get worse. And so will you. That doesn’t mean that you can’t leave at any time, as long as he hasn’t made you a physical prisoner or do so much physical or emotional damage that you’re unable to get out. But the sooner you get out, the less damage you take with you, and the faster you recover your real life, the life you deserve and were meant to have.
You said there’s no help for you, no belief that he is a bad guy on the island. Here is a tool for you to use. When you’re ready to go and you need any help at all, use the words, “I am leaving. I want to go.” No matter what else anyone says to you or how they try to convince you otherwise, just stick with that. You want to leave. You don’t have to explain or defend yourself. Just ask for the help in leaving.
But wait until you’re ready, if you feel like he has eyes and ears around the island. Don’t broadcast your intentions. Don’t worry about what you leave behind. You’re young and you can start over. Travel light and go to a safe place.
The state of your thoughts and feelings right now should tell you that you should plan for some recovery time and efforts. Therapy. Support while you get yourself back together. You might feel insecure and afraid for a while. That’s natural. You’ve been living with a bad person who has been doing bad things to you. You’re a trauma survivor, and processing trauma involves feelings like that.
Don’t worry about whether you can do this. Just plan when and how. You’ll get through it to be happy and strong again, better than you were before. But try not to delay. Remember that you’re being poisoned on a daily basis and you’re the one who has to save you. You can do it. A better life is waiting for you.
Kathy
Is this a real letter? Who did “Chloe” send the letter to? What were the circumstances?
If “Chloe ” is a fairdinkum person, then I am surprised she would send this. She would not be game enough.
If it is real then Chloe knows that the only answer is to leave without letting him know. If you want to take some of your stuff, then you will have to plan your leaving when he is gone for most of the day. And then you will have to go into hiding for about a year.
Otherwise, you may as well get pregnant and have kids a few times and let him abuse them too, although I doubt you would live long enough to see them reach five.
Being stranfled by a murderer is no fun is it?
should read strangled
You were very game to go to the hospital for “strangulation and spit”. What did they do?