The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Hens,
I literally had a dream about everything being upside down, right after I found out about the spaths.
In my dream, the world was being powered by electromagnetic generators. In order for there to be enough space on this crowded planet, all the buildings were designed kinda like an MC Escher painting. So that the ceilings could be used as a floorspace. Because of the electromagnetic generators, a type of gravitational force kept people from falling off the ceilings, even though they were standing or sitting upside down. The upside down people didn’t feel upside down, to them, it appeared that the upside right people were upside down and vice versa.
I went into a building that appeared to be a restaurant and there were people sitting at tables, hanging upside down from the ceiling. Then the power generators went out and everyone who was on the ceiling grabbed a railing and hung from the railings and furniture. Apparently, this was a common occurance : power outages, which revealed the true direction of the earth’s gravity. People were used to it and that’s why there were railings everywhere. Everyone just hung on until the power returned and then they went about whatever they were doing.
So you see how my subconscious never stops jabbering at me?
As for the exes, he keeps tabs on all of them as the big mystique man about town. He spent three of our five anniversaries with his sister and the ex (cheating girl-friend). Tells me that I am socially inept and confrontational that they don’t want contact with me, the problem. If I tell him why would I want to be friends with an ex when we were unable to be friends in a intimate relationship as a couple? He tells me that I am the divider and God will judge me.
Dear Dream,
ANYONE telling you what God thinks is a LIAR and is using that to manipulate you. Anyone telling you that GOD WILL JUDGE YOU because you do not do what they say is a LIAR AND THE TRUTH IS NOT IN THEM….quit listening to him, or anything he said or says.
Free yourself of the chains he has on your heart and mind. You are not a slave. He is not the single line to God’s mind. People like this that invoke the name of God to make someone else their puppet are evil and corrupt. Keep on reading here and learning how they manipulate others. God bless you.
@....... skylar the ex initiated a legal seperation for no reason other than humiliate and degrade me publicly with lies, besmirch my good name (mirroring?) He recently turned it into a final divorce (since I did not have the money). He called and wanted to be business partners with me and have the same arrangement with his ex and his new 20year younger married girl friend that he lavishes on like he is a gazillionaire. I declined by email. Nothing emotional, just – not interested. He left a scathing message about me sending him “smut” and to knock it off. With his perception of not being able to controll me I am afraid. From past experience, I have reason to.
Yes, Somebodysdream,
you have reason to worry. They are evil and enjoy causing pain.
Without being in your shoes, I can’t advise you on all the details of what to do or how to do it. What I can advise you on is this: study and learn about them. READ, READ, READ.
Read here, and read books. I read on the spath website as well. Yes they do have their own.
This will help you with your ex and with any future encounters with other spaths – you will have more, they are everywhere.
My favorite book is “why is it always about you.” by Sandy Hotchkiss.
There are a few other things that help:
Bore him. spaths can’t stand to be bored. It makes them feel like they are dying. Not exaggerating. A person who has nothing exciting in their lives, nothing to look forward to, nothing they want or value, nothing shiny and new and is depressed, bores them.
When you declined by email, you could have been more boring. Say, “I have no money.” “I’m too depressed.” “I’ll never amount to anything.” “I’ll just drag you down.” Whatever it takes so that he thinks there is nothing left to destroy. It’s called gray rock. Blend into the background and be non-committal. It also helps if you have no assets and don’t bathe for a week. 🙂 If you have assets, say you are in forclosure and it could go on for months or years.
This may be difficult if you have a business. Tell him, your business is failing. You are struggling. You’ve borrowed money to keep the business afloat and don’t know how you’ll pay it back. You have herpes and scabies. lol! just kidding. but you get my drift. Tell him about your ingrown toenail. and the acne break out on your back. 🙂
But don’t cry, they love drama. Just be listless and resigned to failure. Don’t care.
Try not to do this by email, because you don’t want him to forward this to anyone. Just answer the phone when he calls but only one day a week. Make it so he can’t just call you whenever he wants. You are only going to answer his calls on wednesday between 1 and 3 PM. (or whenever you choose) You will not tell him this flat out. You can TRAIN him to notice this.
It’s a process, getting rid of them. learning how they think and how to protect yourself from them.
Sky T hat sounds like a nitemare not a dream…..I have stopped analyzing my dreams., I have been able to turn down the volume on my jabbering subconscience. i hope that some day you can turn down the volume on yours.
Hens,
it was BECAUSE I turned down the volume that I couldn’t see the spath before my eyes. When I finally listened to the subconscious, I was able to escape it.
Now I love my subconscious. I wish it would speak english though. Trying to analyze everything it says is too hard! I think the subconscious is pre-lingual. In other words, it speaks spath!
God these guys are just craaaazzzzaaaayyy!!!
No matter how many stories I read, each one hits me pretty hard. This one just makes me sick, as usual.
The part where he gets the victim to apologize for HIS behavior……I got flashbacks from that. Been there. Survived that…barely. He told me that it was my very EXISTENCE which was causing him such great anguish that he was forced to torture me. That left me really puzzled, because then there was nothing I could even “change” to fix the problem….unless I stopped EXISTING. Spiritual murderer!!!!!
somebodiesdream, are you new here? I have never seen you before. Welcome to LF. This place has saved my life. It sounds like you were victimized by a sociopath too. Hang out here. These people are really great and there is hope. I didn’t believe it the first time someone here told me this just a few weeks ago, but I am starting to trust that it must be true.
Read as many articles as you can to become to sociopath expert. You need to be because of your experience.
I am going to work now.
Bye everyone
Bye Panther,
my spath made me apologize for recognizing that he drove one of his girlfriends to suicide. I remember her name now: Terry. He raged until I apologized for thinking that he was the reason she killed herself. But even during the apology, I knew it was true.
Hey I am on the train!
I am doing a sociopath project. I feel really compelled to help others, so I was trying to think of little things I can do.
I started making a list of “lines” that my sociopath said to me at least once, often more than once. I have noticed that sociopaths have A LOT in common with each other, so there might be some very identical seeming “lines” that could be perhaps written up as “spath speak” to help newbies try to make sense of what they are hearing from the sociopath.
Here is what I have so far (my spath said all of this at least once). Please add things that you think are probably typical spath-speak if you can! And let me know what you think of these:
Sociopath Lines
What are your dreams?
If you didn’t X then I wouldn’t have to Y all the time.
You are weak. / I see your weaknesses.
I will kill myself if you don’t…..
I am being so nice, you bitch!
It’s very hard for me to deal with your unstable behavior. I have to treat you like this.
Please, don’t hurt me.
Oh, come on, I would never do something like that.
I can’t believe you think I would do something like that!
Admit that you just are not compassionate enough to forgive me.
I am just like you.
I am you now.
I am a mirror. I just reflect your beauty back to you.
What you see is not me, it’s you.
I am God.
Me, Me, Me!
My life used to be just about Me, Me, Me, but now it’s all about You, You, You!
I wish I could respect you, but I just can’t because….(fill in with ANYTHING)
All men are like this.
No other man would put up with you as well I do.
You are lucky I am so forgiving. Any other man would kill you for this.
I need the facade because I am afraid.
I lie because I am afraid
I lie because these people do not deserve the truth.
If a woman allows a man to treat her that way, then she deserves it.
I will never judge you.
The best form of government is fascism, with me on top. Then I could protect people from all the evil they don’t know exists.
I have no emotions. I love no one. You are the first person I have ever felt an emotion for.
I am afraid you will never understand what I gave you, give you, will give to you.
You are a lower being than me.
I have a code. No animals, children, or women.
There is no man in the world who could love you if he knew who you are. You are lucky I do.
She’s got trust issues! She keeps looking at my mistakes rather than at my track record!