The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Tilly: This is probably an email sent to Donna. I’m glad Chloe is able to recognize something about the danger of her situation. Too many women DO develop “amnesia” about how bad their situation is, and they stay — and have kids — and it only gets much, much, much worse!!!
Chloe: Just take your personal ID, your clothes on your back, and whatever money you can scrape up — and leave, leave, and don’t look back! He sounds so scary. You will get through this, but only if you leave.
A friend who knows about psychopaths and their abuse (physical and mental) gave me a book yesterday by Stephen King. I am not generally a King fan, but she insisted I read the first chapter and I did. The book os “Rose Madder” and I want you to know that I think Stephen King GETS IT about psychopathsx!
It is a description from the woman’s point of view as she lies bleeding during a miscarriage brought on by another beating by her cop husband who doesn’t even need an excuse to beat her bad enough she requires hospitalization with broken bones, punctured lungs etc.
It shows her state of mind as she starts to think about hating him, then pushes that thought down into her subconscious because she can’t even bear to hear herself think it. She also wants to die, but can’t bear to think that either, and wants away from him, but can’t bear to think of that either. What would life be like with out him.
“Suddenly she was able to identify the buzzing, which had now spread to her entire body. It was anger she was feeliing, rage, and realization brought wonder.
Get out of here, that deep part of her said suddenly. Get out of her right now, this very minute. Don’t even take the time to run a comb through your hair. Just go.
“That’s ridiculous,” she said, rocking back adn forth faster than ever. “That’s ridiculous, where would I go?”
Anywhere he isn’t, the voice returned. But you have to do it righ tnow. Before….
Before what?
A part of her mind, a habituated, cowed part, suddenly realized that she was seriously entertaining this thought and put up a terrified clamor. Leave her home of fourteen years? The husband who, if a little short-tempered and quick with his fists, had always been a good provider. the idea was ridiculous. She must forget it. Immediately. (excerpt from first chapter of Rose Madder, by Stephen King.
I think everyone here on this blog can identify with this woman. With the denial that she went through for 14 years as he beat her senseless….it doe4sn’t matter though if it is ONLY “emotional abuse”—-it is abuse. Get the Fu
Dear Chloe,
What’s happening to you is wrong, period. Strangulation is a way to murder someone. There’s no excuse that makes it acceptable: you’ve been the target of attempted murder. This guy is practicing killing you, and physical aggression usually only escalates over time. There’s no reason that excuses tearing someone down piece by piece emotionally. He’s doing that to control you and make you a more compliant victim: emotional abuse exhausts you so that you are much easier to dominate entirely.
Love doesn’t look like that! Love is where one is treated with genuine respect and consideration: the other person wants you to be whole and happy, not walking around on eggshells, fearful for what the next moment will bring.
Right now it’s hard for you to see clearly, because abuse tears you down, and after a time, you begin to believe you deserve it. No one deserves that!
Your body will still exhibit the panicked feeling when you think of your life without him, but that’s how deeply the abuse has got to you: you believe what you have to in order to survive in a situation where your life is threatened. That’s survival mode kicking in, and when you come to a healthier place, this will begin to loose its hold. Trauma bond is like an addiction, and it’s a good idea to treat it that way. (I experienced this with my alcoholic father.)
When you experience love, honest and true love, whether it’s from yourself or another, you begin to feel whole. You begin to discover your best self. Problems and challenges come from the drama that is life, and not from the created drama of abuse. People who love you accept and support you, cheer you on as you face the challenges of living; they do not tear you apart on a whim for their own amusement. You don’t feel worried and panicked all the time, but rather, you trust that you can handle what life sends. These things happen at your own pace of healing, and when you are able to see the difference, it’s like night and day.
First, you must secure your personal safety. You can’t have that as long as you are with this man: you must leave to be safe. You have to be alive to heal, and he’s bent on utterly destroying you.
It’s going to be hard, but you can do it. Just keep reading these blogs and you’ll see that many brave, incredible people posting here have done so. You’ve been very brave already, allowing yourself to see what’s going on, and then reaching out by email to Donna. Take the next step, and get outta there. Then you can rebuild your life, which is hard, but pretty amazing.
I wish you only the best!
Betty
Chloe,
“He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.”
Many of these people (s/p) will use animals and children to deepen the bond (control) between the victim and the abuser. If you are reading these replies please think about if you had a child with this person. Wouldn’t the abuser then use the child to bond (dominant) himself to you even more?
Normal people have emotional bonds with animals and children but sociopaths don’t bond with animals or children. They just become objects and property for them to used to manipulate and control the victim(s) even more. How do I know because that is what happen to me and others here at LF. This is one reason so many of them will want to start a family as soon as possible or will purchase animals. This (having children) was the reason it took me 17 years to break free of my abuser. If you were to have a child with this loser god only knows how much longer it will take you to break free from this person.
I hope you will be able to get away before bringing children into this dysfunctional and violent relationship. If he is using a “dog” to keep you under his control and manipulation then please understand how he will use children to do this as well. Please ask yourself would that be fair for the child?
We all know how addicting these relationships are and how hard it is to break free from this addiction but in the end it is (even if you don’t believe that now) Your Choice to stay or leave. Bringing a child into this relationship would only cause the abuser more control and more harm to you and the child if you were to have one with him.
bopeep
“Its amazing how he blames the financial situation on me and tells me he is in bad shape financially because of ME..”
Dr. Carver, Ph.D. Talks about how they use money problems and finance to control the victim. Not sure if you even saw this site but it has a lot of good information whenever we try to “disconnect” from our abusers.
Chloe, you might like to check it out as well…
Good luck to both of you!!
http://drjoecarver.com/
One day, while trying to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong, I remembered something I did not want to. I was already separated from my husband, but something did not feel right with Mr. Wrong. So, I told him that we should be friends with “benefits”. I also began seeing another man I had long term relationship prior. Mr. Wrong hated my idea, apparently. All of a sudden, I found myself pregnant. And then – just like a lightening it hit me – I got pregnant not at all by accident, but by careful manipulation and calculation. He knew my feeling about abortion, and he had used it. Needless to say, I chose to be with him now and I chose to be the best I can be to please him and to build a family. I wonder what it is I’d be saying to my son when he’s older…
Katya: Do I understand that you are with this man now? And you have a child with him? Forgive me if I’m not clear.
For me children born out of these dysfunctional relationships are what fuel me and helps me to want to expose them to the world. Children are the “true victims” whenever we have children with them. S/P’s will use God religious families and yes children to get what they want. I don’t like the fact they will use the first three but the latter just rubs me the wrong way!
These true victims never had a choice. Never had a say to what happens to them. Our children learn from “us” and a s/p teaches only emotional betrayer emotional manipulation and in the end emotional pain and memory. How cold can a person be to see a innocent child as a object? How cold can a person be to see a child for what they can get from this innocent person? How cold can a person be not being able to bond with this precious innocent victim?
Sorry for me this is where I draw the battle lines. No person has the right to hurt a gift blessing from God for one’s own needs!
So allow me to tell each and every s/p out there….
Hurt me? Go ahead and maybe I even asked for it!
But hurt a innocent precious child and you just cross a line!!!
James:
AMEN to that!
How cold can they be?? Pretty damn cold from what I have seen!!
Personally, I hope there is a special place in hell.
So, what do we do to CHANGE THE SYSTEM?????? Our family court Commissioner decided that she didn’t want to look at the Domestic Relations Officer’s Report (that detailed my S husband’s LONG history of offenses). She refused to hear from our Guardian ad Litem (who knows that my husband is a DIAGNOSED – S – APD!!) The Commissioner refused to hear from the Psycologist sitting in the hall that we paid a large sum of money to be there that day so he could testify to the APD diagnosis. We will deal with her after this is all said and done. BUT the SYSTEM as a WHOLE, MUST BE CHANGED!!!!!
Matt??? You are the resident Atty. What do we do? THere must be enough of us here and across the country to do something…
Sorry, this is just very CLOSE to home… my S husband gets our 10 month old baby boy in 8 DAYS!!!! A 4 hour UNSUPERVISED visit! We are ready to take him and disappear if the local law enforcement doesn’t kick it in to high gear and arrest him for one of the 10 or 15 cases they are working on against him!
Now, that said… I feel a great peace that God is already taking care of this and even if we hand him over next week, my baby will be ok. That feeling doesn’t keep me from going through phases of PANIC, however.