The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Unbelievable…Typical sociopath…looks “upstanding” to the outside world…yet is abusive, devious, and a “monster” behind closed doors!
I feel that my D is involved with a sociopath just like this story! And she is so bonded to him since he is the first guy she had sex with. She HAS become pathologically addicted to him. He has done a great job alienating her from her own family.
UPDATE:
I decided to reach out to her and throw her a “carrot”. I turned her iPhone back on with the extended plan. I sent her $40 for food. And goess what? She told me to put that carrot up my butt!!!
She texted me from this phone, after I asked her to meet to talk and try to work things out civilly.
You would NOT believe what she lashed out to me with!!
She basically told me that she despises me AND her sisters…and that she has ALL her needs met and that I am not going to “SCAM” her into coming home to a “crowded” house…etc.
She IS a sociopath. She told me that her sisters are “antisocial” and have no friends and don’t need phones or tv and that SHE should have her own room. Then she put me down, just as her socio father did…telling me I am unfit to be a mother, can’t manage money, am a “disabled” person in society that doesn’t deserve her as a daughter…and the neighbor and her socio b/f do more for her than I ever did…and that she is STRONG and doesn’t need me or the family…because “friends are better than family”…..etc..etc.. All “sick” hurtful things…still referring to her sisters as “your daughters”..
OMG…I threw her a carrot and she told me where to put it!
So, this morning she texted me again how “I” need therapy…etc..
I told her that I reached out to her…and since she doesn’t appreciate me or her family, I am shutting the phone back off today and I am DONE.
I tried. And this is what I got…the same stuff she was telling me when she left.
Obviously she has not thought about anything, and is only worse!
I really can’t go through this again. I am writing her off and letting her go.
DONE
tobehappy:
I am so sorry! I really am 🙁
I wish there was something I could do. I can only hope that one day she will see the light and feel extremely guilty about what she has done.
We are here.
She never will. She’s full of her father’s DNA. She’s done to me exactly what he did.
I am writing her off. I’m not going thru this again. I’ve had enough.
2B,
I am sorry you had to get crap from her again. I know you must regret reaching out to her, but I think in the long run it’s good that you did. Now you know exactly what is in her mind and heart and it will give you direction. The direction to let her go and be done.
I can’t say if she’s a spath, maybe a narcissist. But you reached out and she tried to rip you apart, so that’s it for her.
You don’t deserve that shit, so I am sorry if I said anything to persuade you to be hurt by her again.
I truly hope this is the last time she does it. If you let her go, I’m sure at some point she’ll come back into your life, but it sounds like it would be in a negative capacity.
She’s far too immature to have all the answers like she claims she does. When and if she grows up, reality will slap her hard in the face….and to be honest, just judging from what she’s put you through, I bet she will blame you for that, too.
At least you tried one last time. It reminds me a little of what Dupednomore went through when contact was answered with her ex spath. It turned out to be disastrous, but a lesson in the end that now she is absolutely sure she is done with him.
I wish you recovery from this last blow. And again, I am truly sorry.
I turned the D’s phone off and cancelled her phone account as of March 15th…the date the contract is up. I refuse to pay for her phone with the disrespect and hostile attitude she gave me today via text.
I am washing my hands clean of her. She claims that her b/f and the neighbor are taking care of her and that I am sh%t.
She claims she doesn’t need me for “anything”..that all her needs are met.
This was the last time I reached out to her to come home and make peace with the family. She not only rejected my offer again…she came back worse than ever.
It will be NO CONTACT with her from here on in. I told her that I am DONE trying and that since SHE made her choice, she will need to live with it.
I’m glad I did this because now I know where her head is at after 3 weeks of abuse from her. She didn’t change her mind. She hates me and her sisters and I don’t want her in my home ever again.
She will be 18 in November and it can’t come quick enough. She has said the lowest of low things to me…that I am a disabled unfit mother who never did anything for her and she put down her sisters terribly.
I don’t care if she contacts her socio father in Florida and they plot against me. I covered my a&& by reporting her. end of story
2 B it sounds like a DRAMA RAMA with the three traditional roles, the victim (that’s her) the rescuer(s) (that’s the neighbor and the boy friend) and the PERSECUTOR (that’s you)
When we go NC with this drama rama and we DROP completely out of the play and don’t play our role (persecutor) then the rest of them have a HARD TIME MAINTAINING THE PRODUCTION….so they will make contact with you to try to get you to get back in the play.
That is why it is SO IMPORTANT to stay out of the drama rama and REFUSE TO PLAY.
Now that you have decided that you don’t like the plot or the role you have been assigned, stick with it, because she will UP THE ANTE to get you to play….I do not need a crystal ball or 6th sense or psychic ability to predict what will go on with all this.
The neighbor and the BF will of course have no one to “rescue” her from if you are not persecuting her, but then she will start to white that THEY are not giving her what is her due (as princess of the world) so one of them or both will become the persecutor (and apparently she likes that role as victim so I think she will try to maintain it) so she may come back to you to RESCUE her from one or the both of them. Look for it on upcoming productions! LOL
2B,
sorry she turned on you again.
I think she is a drama addict on top of everything else, so I expect she’ll be back for more. Be firm again. No emotion, no trying to rescue her and no carrots. She will know when you are offering her a carrot and she will see it as a sign of weakness. No matter what she does, don’t let her have that phone turned on again.
The only thing you have to do is leave her a standing offer to live in your house under your rules – non-negotiable.
tobehappy,
Breath…Deep breaths.
I know it doesn’t feel like it at this moment but you are lucky that she didn’t come home under these circumstances.
You don’t want her to come home because you are dangling carrots in front of her! DO YOU? Isn’t that what you did for her before she left? Gave her to many carrots? And she didn’t appreciate you and left home.
2be nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Teenagers can be very self-centered. You admittedly said that you have enabled this “selfish” behavior in the past by giving her to much.
You can’t change her behavior. Or her drama. But you can change yours.
If there is to be sucessful reunification for her to come back home….This would have to be clearly defined right from the start. No carrots 😉 And no drama!
IMHO living in her choices will get old for her at some point. Sounds like she does thrive on drama. And I belive she will be back for more. Don’t give it to her. Don’t react to her with your emotions.
You can do this. Think of this as a dance that you and your daughter have danced during all of her teenage years. If you don’t want to do the SAME dance with her you have to BE the one to change the steps. YOUR lead.
Oxy….
I see it clearly and enjoyed reading your figurative language..post.
She has stabbed me in the back one last time. If you could read the texts she has sent me since I turned on the phone…omg..they are CRUEL and abusive.
I am SO happy that I shut that phone off for good. I reached out because I thought that maybe she had time to think and realized that she was being unfair. Obviously she is only worse.
I forgot that she is being coached by her socio dad too.
Well, I am OUT of the game. I’ve given up and I am never going back.
I spoke to an officer today who said that I could, by right, claim that she is a runaway and they would bring her home and if she returned to the neighbors home…the neighbor could be charged for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
At this point, I DON”T want her home. So the neighbor is doing me a favor. And, hopefully she won’t get into any trouble out there….but I covered myself by making the report that she is incorrigible.
I am writing the D off. I will go to my grave never forgiving her for what she has done to me. She IS a true sociopath and karma will take care of her.
I KNOW I did my best and for her to call me the names she did and LIE about me not doing s&it for her….is SICK.
Just gotta get over the second dose of abuse. Reminds me of what I dealt with …with her father.
Going to find ways to deal with my anger now. Hopefully it will subside again…only next time I won’t be making any offers.
Still processing the bullshit. Ugh…
2b,
I’m sorry you got hurt again.
Witsend,
I think you have posted wise insights.
2b,
I’m not really surprised by your D’s response. I feel you had ended up in a good, detached place where you had clearer understanding of what may be going on, without feeling personally attacked. I think it was good that you invited her for a talk.
But then it somehow got a life of its own. I have the impression that she had not yet responded to your invitation. And somehow all of a sudden you decided to give her something material, something you know she would want: the phone plan. You called it a carrot yourself. Now, I don’t think you wanted to “buy” her, but I think you felt pressurized by yourself to give her something as a good sign of faith to her, something physical that shows her you did not bear her ill will. But you did in fact do the same thing you’ve always done with her: trying to please her. And you know what they say about doing things the same way over and over again and expecting the results to change.
I think you went beyond your own boundaries there, and she jumped on it to hurt you once more. And exactly because you breached your own boundaries you feel this acutely personal once more.
There is a lesson in this for you: not about your daughter, but about yourself. When you gave a little (in a healthy manner) and did not get a response, you gave even more to force a response imo, and you got one where all boundaries were crossed. In a way it’s a passive tactic to try to get control over a situation. But you cannot control how other people feel, or decide or even that they respond to you. And whether it’s done passively or actively it’s unhealthy to do so.
It shouldn’t be this way, but I kinda have the impression that your daughter is acting like Oxy’s skillet… whenever you cross your own boundaries, 2b, to please your D, she’ll bang your head in. If you wish her to respect your boundaries, then you must respect your own boundaries too (and not talk yourself in to generosity with the purpose to please her).
And actually, I get the impression that she actually started to respect your boundaries to an extent: she tried to get things, noticed it didn’t work, and then at least came to the house to get her stuff. Yes, she acted cold and such… but she was respecting and doing as you asked her to do, including faithfully telling you where she was going and staying. It’s important that you respect yourself as well as her. With that I mean: you must not allow yourself to give anymore than what you end up feeling resentful about if she throws it back in your face, nor should you allow yourself to provoke a reply or decision from her to do as you would wish her to do on an emotional level.
I think it’s what happens when generous people start to see potential: whether it’s a partner, a love interest, or a child… We see the potential for a happy resolution and wish to get there ASAP, and if that person is not ready to fulfill the potential in the now, we start to provide and give our all, so that all the other needs to do is step from the now to the potential future. But that’s not how people grow. I really liked Locke’s wisdom in Lost about this: he said that Charlie was like a caterpillar in his cocoon transforming into a butterfly. But the catterpillar-butterfly has to break open his cocoon by himself. Because it’s the growth process itself that makes for character strength. If someone else would help the butterfly to break the cocoon for the butterfly, then the butterfly will be too weak to survive.
Your D’s response is for me a tell that she does not want you to please her, but to give her rules and structure and respect yourself. I think she knows she needs it in order to become a butterfly, and that if you please her you’re only weakening her. And that is why she rejects any effort to please her so hatefully and disapprovingly.