The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
one/joy,
How are you one step?
dear Witty, I am in a much better place. There has been a lot of change in my life in the last year, and I am looking forward to some new challenges. I am still overwhelmed regularly, but I do feel some bit of excitement, too. And you?
one/joy,
I am so glad to hear that you are in a better place. Hard work to get there, yes?
I am also in a better place. Acceptance! Many things that I can not change.
Still a work in progress 🙂
I knew he had been cheating & lying. To find and prove the truth, I broke into his office, hacked his email & called & texted numerous contacts. I proceeded to post all of the naked pictures he sent me & forwarded them to all the women he was involved with. I emailed & texted mean, rude things to women as if I were him. I have never been arrested or been driven to do such irrational things but chronic, compulsive lying and cheating accompanied by his ability to draw me back in over and over again only to repeat the cycle and hurt me so horrifically provoked me into this state of maddness. Well, after being in his office w/out permission, more than once, he finally caught me in the act and called the police. I was hand cuffed and interrogated for quite sometime until he finally made the decision not to press charges because of our respective families. I feel I need counseling in order to get over this trauma and to get some answers about how I could find myself in a predicament that was so grossly out of character for me. Any advice?
name: kris
Kris,
You hacked into his computer to find the truth. You found the truth. And now the best thing you can do is to walk away. The worst thing you can do now is to stoop to his level and try to beat him at his own game. The only way you can win is to disengage. Easier said than done. Unfortunately, cheating and lying are not against the law in most places (though it should be). So the only thing you can do is to get on with your life and try to understand why you were drawn to him in the first place.
Also, I’m really big on the language we use as either being empowering or the opposite. It’s disempowering to say he “had the ability to draw you back in over and over.” Ultimately, you made the choice to go back over and over. It’s very empowering to look at yourself and try to understand why you chose to keep going back. This is now your journey – it’s not about him. Take your life back, Kris! Stay away from him and clear your head. That’s the first step.
So sorry for what you are going through. As you’ve probably read, you’re not the only one. 🙁
Kris,
this is an opportunity to look at how you navigate the emotional waters. He sees you as someone he an manipulate because your emotions are easy to evoke and they drive your reactions. Stop.
They are your emotions and he doesn’t deserve them. Once you realize that this is the wild card in the game – that you can walk away – you are free.
And believe me, Kris, to him it is just a game. It was always just a game. He has no emotional investment in it. You are a toy, nothing more, to him. The only one taking this seriously is you.
When you are face to face and he puts on the act, it’s very difficult to discern the phoniness because, WHO DOES THAT? But it is just an act, because he isn’t capable of true depth of feeling.
To underscore what I mean by that, I would suggest that even if he killed himself, or killed you, it would still be just an act with no real depth of meaning. Spaths just don’t have it in them to be REAL. That’s what is meant by shallow affect.
Day 36 NC and I haven’t slept a full night’s rest since…I’m waking up every night around 3 a.m. wondering what the heck he’s up too. I did sneak a peek at his Fbook page and of course he’s added lots of girls to his friendslist. I’m depressed but, I haven’t tried to call him. Nor, has he tried to contact me.
I am reading 2 books amongst everything I can get my hands on from the internet about psychopath/sociopaths..so far, he appears to be very classic Spath. But, I doubt myself and then say “But, are you sure??” How could this be?? He said he loves you…he said it often and seemed to mean it! What if my accusations of Spathness is wrong and it’s simply something else…
Right now, I don’t trust how I think and feel. I know I miss who he could/should be..but, that doesn’t make missing him any easier.
Btw, the 2 books are Redflags of Lovefraud..and the Betrayal Bond.
Libragirl72, I don’t intend to sound harsh, so please take this with the intent that it was meant (hard to do online): NO CONTACT MEANS the following:
* Delete phone contacts, emails, any technological ability to send or receive communications
* Delete and BLOCK all social network accounts of spaths
* DO NOT give in to the urge to “check up” on what they’re doing
* DO focus on positive activities or interests, even if it is only for five minutes at a stretch
* AT ALL TIMES, remember that the spath does not care – does not care – DOES NOT CARE – about you, your feelings, your emotional meltdowns, your inability to eat, your inability to sleep, your anxiety, etc……….they do….not….care
Brightest blessings.
And, Libragirl72, the further away that you get from the spath and the longer that you go No Contact, the closer you’ll get to Truth. The Truth may be unappealing, frightening, and sad, but it is what it is and cannot be altered by good intentions, second chances, or any other means. Truth just “is.”
Once you are able to process the fact that he just does not care and never did, you’ll see a lot of changes begin. Some of them will be painful because they just are. But, you have what it takes to get and STAY away from someone who will deliberately and intentionally damage you for his own entertainment.
Brightest healing blessings to you.
Thank you truthspeak,
I know I screwed up looking at his Fbook page 🙁 . He had me blocked with my account, my friend looked at his page for me..and, then my curiosity got the best of me. I wish I was stronger, to fully eliminate my self as he seems to have done, but I am not.
My life feels like it is at such a standstill. I work very hard 5 days a week, and then when the weekend comes…well, I’m too old to be out like a teenager (I’m 39) bar hopping, and my married friends are scarce and married with families. So, I sit and ponder..read, then discog..toss and turn…you get the idea.
The hardest part and the part I’m still trying to 100% believe…is that he had no love or good intentions for me at all. I can’t for the life of me, wrap my head around the memories that felt real and convincing myself they weren’t.
When I looked at his page, you know what I found..probably more manipulation but, I’m not sure for whose benefit since he doesn’t think I can see it. I saw a photo of a xeroxed copied paper that said:
“Stopwatch”: Watch what you Say’ Watch what you do
Loyalty Dont’s: Don’t Gossip or say things to hurt people
Don’t lie, cheat, or steal to get what you
want,
Don’t ask anyone to do anything bad
Wth? And, yes he’s done all of those to me…