The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
It’s for his own mask which he uses to con whomever he likes to con.
Libragirl72, you did not “screw up.” You are a human being and you are ENTITLED to learn!!! One thing that you may find helpful is to avoid discussing HIM with friends, anymore, even though you NEED to talk about your experiences. They “know” your experiences only from their own perspective – they haven’t gone through the agony, degradation, humiliation, and other negativities associated with spath exposure, so they cannot understand what you’re experiencing. They do not have a frame of reference.
No matter how much they care about us, friends and family soon grow tired of hearing our pain, and that’s the truth of human nature. They grow tired of hearing us because they have not personally experienced the same things. For me, I have to be very, very careful about what I choose to disclose and to whom. Lately, I’ve kept my feelings to myself and only spoken on this forum and to a couple of people about my fears, anger, etc. And, those people have had their own spath experiences, so they can RELATE.
It is very, very tempting to tell everyone and their sister about what the exspath did and what he is. But, people who have not had our experiences really, really, REALLY do not have the capacity to “get it.”
So….try this: avoid mentioning him, what he did, and what he is ONE minute at a time with each person, one at a time. If someone wants to say that they saw him or his FB profile, kindly and firmly and SIMPLY say, “You know, I appreciate your concern, but I really don’t care WHAT he’s doing.” And, end the drama/trauma on YOUR terms. You will not believe how empowering one simple sentence can be until you try it!
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To clarify “frame of reference,” I knew someone who lost their baby to SIDS. In a group environment, this came out in general conversation and a couple of people responded, “Oh, I know JUST how you feel….my cousin died…BLAH BLAH BLAH.” NO………those people did NOT know “just how” that woman felt because they had not been required to bury their own infant and wake up the next day knowing that their infant is buried, gone, passed, deceased, and NEVER coming back. They had NO frame of reference and their assertions that they did were arrogant and minimalizing to this poor woman.
So, when we speak of our experiences to people who have not emerged from their own, personal spath experiences, they simply DO NOT “get it.”
Ahh, Darwins mom
You have a point there!
Truthspeak, yes friends/family do not get it. No fault of their own..(lucky people really). So, I try to come here to LF to vent, and talk my self out of Contacting him. I am addicted to this person and must deal with that. Of course, I wish he were upset/sad..trying to contact me to say “I’m sorry”..but, I’ve gotten nothing. It just really stinks! Thanks for the motivation to keep going though! I will come out of this okay..someday 🙂
Libragirl
HAHAHAHA!!
Thanks for the laugh. It’s a TELL!
All spaths do that. They say exactly what they are thinking only they use the reverse context.
You see, that note is to himself. He has to remind himself not to do those things, because in reality he is COMPELLED to do those things. It’s like a little reminder, “note to self” LOL!!
Normal people don’t need to remind themselves not to stab their friends in the back.
The reminder is posted as though it were the 10 commandments: Thou shalt not…
Spaths will try to mimic things they’ve seen which seem to hold significance to others.
It really is amazing how these people are living in reverse. Everything is backwards for them.
LIbragirl,
You’re doing great so far! We all know it’s not easy. It’s not because you go NC that suddenly you’re not bonded, addicted and traumatized any less… All those things stll need to be taken care of. But the only way to actually tackle those is NC.
You’re going through normal stages of NC. It’s best to go total NC on every level, but it’s easier said than done. However, the last you want to know is being fed the lastest info on him. You still need to deal with the emotions of what you went through in the past, before you went NC. New info will throw you into an emotional loop of what he’s up to now.
As for “is he truly a sociopath or not”… at the very least he’s toxic and acts destructive towards you. If he can be helped it’s up to therapists to help him, and that only MIGHT work if he volutnarily goes to seek therapy (I very much doubt it’s the case). YOU cannot be of any help to him, and he sure is not a help to you. It’s not about whether you wrong him by judging him; it’s about him having wronged you, and protecting yourself.
And you are protecting yourself. Pat yourself on the back for protecting yourself, everytime you think you may have judged him wrongly. Whatever his disorder is or isn’t, at least you can be sure of that.
🙂
Libragirl, 39 is very young. You may not have a lot of energy to go out and do things because you are grieving. And that will take some time and energy. However, you absolutely need a few activities, hobbies, interests, etc. to distract you. Figure out what kinds of things you enjoy doing or have always wanted to do and go do them. Travel (even a road trip to a motel 6 in a small town), adopting a pet, volunteering, learning to knit, reading a novel, JOINING A GYM (my preferred method), trying a dance class (you can’t feel bad while you are doing Zumba – it’s such a joyful form of dance). Volunteering, learning a new skill or a foreign language, taking a walk around the block and stopping to look at the spring flowers blooming and taking in the smells….
I cannot tell you how many new worlds opened up to me by doing some of the things above. Having a place to go after work will keep you off FB. You can even just go to a coffee shop and sit and read for a few hours.
At this point, it will really help you to have some built-in distractions – a class to go to, an activity you do, etc. You will have the satisfaction of knowing you had an entire day without obsessing because you were busy doing other things – too busy to get on FB. You will have moments of joy doing whatever the hobby is or connecting with other people. Also, it helps if whatever you are doing, you can really be present doing it. If you are sitting in a coffee shop and the waitress pours you a cup of coffee, you can actually look the waitress in the eye and really connect with her. Take a sip of the coffee and really taste it. It will take an effort on your part to break the obsessive thinking patterns, which is part of the addiction. I don’t think it’s enough to say NC, don’t check his FB, etc. You actually have to fill your life and your thoughts with other, more enjoyable things. Eventually, you need to reinvent yourself as someone who is about something else besides him. It is often a lack of our own solid identity that draws spaths to us in the first place. But you do this one moment at a time, by living your life and being absorbed in whatever you are doing in the moment.
For that matter, you can be present in this very moment, stopping to listen to the sounds, feel the pressure of your butt in the chair and looking around and really making contact with the things around you. Obsessing is a mental activity. Being present is the opposite of thinking. If you are not thinking, even for just a moment, you are breaking the addiction.
Best of luck – you’re doing great!
Libragirl,
I’m in a somewhat similar place with my ex-spath. Last week I finally de-friended him on Facebook. For several months, I had him blocked so I couldn’t see his posts in my stream but I hadn’t want him to get any supply from seeing that I had de-friended him. I’m hoping with my seemingly random timing that he won’t even realize that it happened or when. Kind of like grey rock de-friending.
The thing is I looked at his page and then the page of the woman he is now with and I felt like I had gotten another giant dose of poison. She had some weird posting about the importance of people not being liars or cheaters so I suspect that now that he has trapped her, he has started breaking her down. It’s a strange sensation because he literally swapped me out for her so there but for the grace of God go I.
But here’s what’s really relevant to what you are writing about above: in the past he did express remorse and he did apologize for what he did and he continued to tell me that he loves me. I thanked him for apologizing to me (he was also pretty good at apologizing when we were together) but the truth is that it doesn’t change a thing about who he is and the behaviors he apparently feels compelled to do. For me, it is important to remember that he cannot (or will not) change.
You guys are right and all make so much sense. Thank heaven for all of your experiences. Yes, at bare minimum he is toxic. I have to remind myself of that everyday! And, Skylar…lol, glad I could make you laugh. I’m not as quick as you guys to have understand who post about loyalty, etc. but you are right! I do not have to read something in black n white to remind myself not to lie, cheat, or steal.
Libra,
My ex used to sell himself as relationship material because he doesn’t hit girlfriends. He actually never did hit any of his girlfriends. Still, it’s a strange way to sell yourself. What normal guy comes out and say to you, “But I never hit any of my girlfriends.” In other words, I think he wants to, but controls himself enough not to. Instead he steals their stuff and money, sends his mates after you to assault-rob his girlfriends and belittles them.