The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
The S is an ex boyfriend. he manipulated me into divorce, and he enpragnated me to keep in the relationship. He later cheated on me with several women at once. He is Cuban. Had admitted to taking his other child away from mom, when she was 2 and then putting her through four other Moms. The first time she had a chance to see her birth mother was when she was 14. The S has an IQ of 158. He has no criminal history and he had told me he killed three people (only because they were so wrong), but I have no proof. His ex and his daughter told me things, but will not agree to give testimony
I asked him once how many women he’d slept with. He did not respond right away. The next day out of the blue, he says: 319. The MF counted them!! and I am supposed to be calm about it. He even shared an STD with me, lucky not AIDS or HIV. I had no idea they keep a close score on victims. how can I manage to be calm, when my child is his next victim
someone had said….Hurt me and perhaps I deserved it…Hurt my child…and you’ve crossed the line!! This is how I feel!! Protect at all costs…but being strong enough to not allow emotions in…act as they do…cold and callous..so Im trying but struggling….I know he will slip up..so I will be patient//
without sounding so niave..what does “recon” mean..Ive seen it used in prior posts??
KATYA:
It’s all about appearance with court appointed pros.
(Aside from the fact your a good mother, safe, etc…)
As far as keeping your cool…..NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT!
Pull out ALL THE muster you can to not appear hysterical or paranoid or vindictive. Stick to facts, not opinions…..when you go off on opinions, you will easily keep going. This GAL is not your friend, they work for the courts….at your expense. They might test you on lot’s of things you may not be aware of…..be prepared to show honesty, compassion, empathy and love. Do not bad mouth and show spite or show hatred. REMEMBER YOU ARE ONLY THERE FOR YOUR CHILD….keep your focus.
Your attorney is not your therapist, do not use him/her as one…..keep as cool and calm around them too. They will not ‘attack’ of your behalf out of spite….it’s all about facts….
Collect yourself, breathe deep and remember IT”S NOT ABOUT YOU OR HIM…..its about the child! AND YOU NEED TO DO ALL YOU CAN TO SHOW YOU ARE A PRIZE BALANCED PARENT!
KEEP THE S and YOUR FEARS AWAY….there is a time and a place to express your anger openly……NOT THERE!!!
You need to figure out in your head…….the GAL is there for a reason…..what’s the reason……DO not be fake, be a polished version of yourself. Act as comfortable as you can, all interaction should be of the pleasant nature.
You will most likely have several visits with the GAL, so don’t think you need to prove yourself tomorrow only!
THE GAL represents your son. NOT YOU, NOT THE S.
Use selected words like, extreme concern, odd behaviors, and factual documentation……not hate or sociopath or freak. Choose your words carefully. If he’s not diagnosed…..then DO NOT DIAGNOSE HIM to the GAL!!!! NOT YOUR JOB!!! YOUR JOB IS TO BE A MOTHER.
Listen to your attorney…..this isn’t about retaliation…..its about PROTECTING YOUR CHILD.
The S will drop the mask…..remember, he will be evaluated too.
KEEP CALM, COOL and COLLECTED……
You will do fine!!!
XXOO
END:
Sounds like you got it!!! Keep it and stay strong….
RECON =recognisance…..undercover gathering of information.
KATYA,
From what I have learned is to expect anything and everything from them.
As for being “calm” well to me it’s like asking a person in a burning house to be calm. Kind of silly if you asked me..
Meditation might work?
Listening to “mood” sounds like those on CD’s?
Music therapy help me.
Praying?
Anything that works for you!
But staying calm and in control is something they hate so even if you have to “play act” it would be better for you in the long run. Before going into any court room it’s best to leave your emotions at the door. It’s better to talk with your head and not with your heart. Sure Matt would be able to advise you more on this..
Good luck! 8)
Thank you all. I am actually printing these posts to be able to take with me and read before entering the GAL’s office tomorrow. Erin, I see your point and the fact that I am perhaps, being too forceful for my own good. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, so I diagnosed him for whatever it’s worth based on my clinical knowledge and experience (a lot of good it did!), but I understand why it would not be such a good idea to beat on it. I will pray, James, thank you for your understanding!
I have one thing to my advantage: I can always blame my Russian herritage for being forceful and direct.
A nice play out this will be: a Russian against a Cuban. Let’s see American system deal with that.
Katya,
“I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, so I diagnosed him for whatever it’s worth based on my clinical knowledge and experience (a lot of good it did!), but I understand why it would not be such a good idea to beat on it.”
Interesting! Have you even thought about “blogging”? It might help you to get some of your frustration out in the open? If not blogging then maybe keeping a journal? Writing help me deal with all the ants (automatic negative thoughts) and brought me to a better understanding about what I went through.
Here is a link to my blog is you like to see one? I also included my personal journal on the blog.
http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Just remember there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel..
Thank you for sharing your blog. I am in total agreement re the NC, wish I’d been better informed before. but, I already got HIM out of my system. The only need now is to protect my son. Once that is done, I will not give up. I will work meticulously on exposing him and the likes of him. I am both in the position to do it and am driven enough. My daughter refuses to speak of the S as a He. She ONLY calls him an IT. This began a new tendency in our family: there is no place for an IT.
Sure, all of us have many deficits. But, humans have a sense of responsibility for their actions, a sense of loyalty to their loved ones, and a sense of comittment that ITs do not understand. I think none of us on this site are victims. Because we know, we have the upper hand. The S hates us because we KNOW. BTW, any idea on what makes them tick in public? I have done one so far, and it worked very well in the past: direct cold calm stare. They can’t take their own medicine. anything else?
Dear Katya,
I think in a way we are like “vampire slayers” when we realize that these “vampires” are REAL and that they suck the life juices out of real lhumans. They are the “walking dead” but they are as evil as a vampire, sucking, killing, wounding without any remorse.
However, that said, “exposing” them is a risky business, because many times (most times) they will target you specifically and there is NO depth to which they will NOT SINK, plus, you will also encounter the fact that the “general public” does NOT BELIEVE IN “VAMPIRES.”
Part of that problem too, is that to believe in human “vampires” without conscience, would wreck their own sense of safety in this world. They are not able to admit it for fear of their own lives, so they live in DENIAL and that is NOT a river running north in Egypt!
If you will go back and read the old archived articles you will see that the “disbelief” is part of their success. As long as others do not “believe” in these CREATURES existence, except for the odd Ted Bundy here or there or the BTK killer, they feel safe in their skins.
MYTHS about Psychopaths:
After all ALL psychopaths are serial killers, right?
It could never happen in this neighborhood,
there is good ldown inside everyone,
it is just because he had a traumatic childhood that he is like this,
if I love him/her enough I can fix them!”
there are two (valid) side to every argument
no one could be that evil
He has no motive
ALL MYTHS
Even wawrning his next victim is usually a futile move as they will lbe already in the FOG and 99% unlikely to believe a word you said.
The smear campaign that they do, labeling you a “crazy, stalking, mentally unbalanced” person goes before you, and there is little way to discredit this as it is so subtle.
I agree, that we need to protect people from them, but the best way seems to be the education of people. People we meet and get to know, our own children, our friends, and other victims who are far enough out of the loop and fog to listen.
We need to educate our young people, our daughters and sons, so that they will not produce children with these monsters and weld themselves to the monster for life, we also need to realize that there is a BIG genetic component in the disorder
And just as there is a similarity in the psychopaths there is a similarity in the victims as well. We need to bring up our children to SET and enforce Boundaries of the kind of behavior they will tolerate. This will keep them from being victims. EDUCATION of the general public is a long term process, and right now, not even all the professionals agree, even on the name. Hopefully, this part at least will come to a conclusion with the advances being made by hard science about the psychopaths.
Judges, lawyers, law makers and medical professionals, child service workers, the media, etc. all need to be educated as well.
By banding together and spreading the words, this is slowly being done. the Internet is a great tool in this process as well. Just as when it was proven that the world was round and not flat, it took a long time for this to come into general knowledge and acceptence, as with all “new” ideas. But hopefully, it will come—not fast enough for me, but hopefully for the future potential victims. God bless!