The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
Katya,
IMO, the best way to deal with a sociopath is to be very businesslike in all necessary communications, showing no emotion and only discussing facts. This is the closest you can get to NC when you have children together. It can feel empowering to beat a sociopath at his own game by staring him down, etc. But remember, then, you are still playing his game. And since he is the real thing, he is genuinely dangerous and unpredictable. Some of the really smart ones can have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves. (Fortunately, mine was stupid and hung himself–figuratively speaking–with a little help from me and my friends.)
My humble opinion is that you cannot beat a sociopath at his own game. He invented the game and is a master at it. All you can do is disengage, and hold him accountable to the full extent the law allows.
Chloe,
This sounds sooooo much like my daughter’s story—–broken cell phones, buying a dog to use to keep her there—violence—stories that don’t “add” up—-LEAVE HIM ASAP!!!!!—my daughter ended up dead—-read her story on lovefraud.com——-scroll down to Jarrett Weaver—-don’t think it won’t happen to me—that is exactly what my daughter did—now I am left with a shattered life—never to be the same again—I live with the unbearable pain daily
kelsis mom: I hope Chloe reads your comment to her, and that she heeds your advice!
OxDrover:
i read that stephen king is a really bad practising alcoholic, is that true?
Yes, he was but from what I heard quit drinking. He also was know to do coke. Strange story about when he meet his publisher in the beginning of his career. His publisher order them drinks to discuss his book (Carrie) and his publisher order his drink and Stephen order 3 beers. His publisher then asked him why he order so many beers and Stephen told him, he didn’t like waiting for his next drink. Yes, this man could drink… (True story)
OxDrover
“I think in a way we are like “vampire slayers” when we realize that these “vampires” are REAL and that they suck the life juices out of real lhumans. They are the “walking dead” but they are as evil as a vampire, sucking, killing, wounding without any remorse.”
I been reading this Upside-Down & Inside-Out blog and like the way this man view this very issue. Anyway when I hear someone refer to them as vampires I smile For two reasons. One, because I believe it’s a very good reference to how they leave us like feeling emotionally drained. Two because this term tells us of danger caution and to be forewarned. And whenever I come into contact with one myself, I feel just a little bit like Van Helsing warning people of the “the children of the night”… 8)
http://www.abusivelove.com/2006/10/emotional-vampires-how-abusive-people.html
“The Stand” and the one about the rabid dog (CRS) are the only two books of Kings I really liked, and most of his stuff was waaaaay too twisted and weird for my tastes (believe that one or not! LOL)
I like a good vampire story, or who-dun-it, and The Lord of the Rings, Trilogy, but King was just not to my taste. I am not a “follower of” more current celebrity folks much, so had no idea about King’s personal life. This one chapter in “Rose Madder” though demonstrated how this poor woman must have kept herself in denial, even while she “felt” the things she was experiencing. King’s writing itself, his word-smmithing, if you will, was very good, I just didn’t like most of his plots. In this case, I ithink his depiction of the woman’s thought process was superb.
There are many analogies with the psychopaths that work. Vampire is definitely a good one. I’m reading a book of short stories right now about vampires that any one of them could be used as an analogy for psychopaths I have known. James, your “feeling just a little bit like
Van Helsing warning people of the “children of the night” if how I have felt many times trying to warn people about psychopaths. I’ve often said if I was trying to tell people I had been abducted by an alien space ship, they would ahve been more likely to have believed me than when I told them about a psychopath’s behavior.
Ug…aren’t you weary of the mountains of vampire books out there, Oxy? I am. You’ve read one book about the blood suckers you’ve read them all.
The only part I think is somewhat cool is their invulnerability to death. That whole immortal business. But then I think it would probably suck living forever and ever. I would go bonkers, I think.
You know, I’m a huge fan of King. I read “The Stand” when I was 13 and it blew me away. I was gleeful when the bad guys, those who sought and celebrated being evil, got their just desserts in the end. I prefer reading books where goodness always prevails and wins the day. I’m an optimist, for sure…haha!
I no longer read horror, much more fascinated with fantasy adventure and Sci-Fi but I still read SK’s books to honor him. I like his writing regardless what the critics say. And we all know what a critic is: A person who has no ability to create anything worthwhile or notable yet chooses to condemn those who do. Must be petty ego gratification.
Oh, one more thing I wanted to touch on in relation to that other thread where an intruder crashed through the gates, stepped daintily over the laser sights and pushed his way into our cozy little haven.
It’s about hidden agendas. I have one but it’s not what I would call hidden. It’s actually quite obvious and I’m very vocal about this…agenda or direction, purpose.
I want peace, joy and love in my life regardless whether I’m involved with a man or not. It comes naturally if I’m living a righteous life. If I’m being totally true to who I am as a kind, gentle, loving woman.
If I’m staying away from places that could possibly harm my mind and heart (bars/night clubs…nothing there for me but misery) and visiting positive, helpful, beneficial places and events in my desire to better myself. As Matt wrote..”to be with like minded people”
I’m sure that’s the paramount reason for me to still read and comment on LF. The articles are super but I feel a connection with you all that keeps me here.
I haven’t ever found such a collection of awesome, beautiful people in my life as I have found on LoveFraud. This site and all the things written continues to change my perspective daily. In a good way….haha.
Love ya!
Dear janie,
Oh, yes, I agree entirely, even though the rare “bird” of prey comes through here, this is definitely a “family” for me as well, and one that is a place that I am nurtured, appreciated, supported and validated. What more could one want?
My late husband used to call books such as the vampire short stories “chewing gum for the eyes” and I read a variety of such books from time to time when I get weary of reading for “content” about either history or psychopaths. I also read “good literature” and philosophy from tiem to time along with my Bible and other religious information. I love to read, and in fact, here lately I have not had as much time to read as I normally do (during the winter especially!) because it is nice to be outside doing things.
I harvested my garlic today, and some of the elephant garlic bulbs are the size of SOFT BALLS. A friend is here this eveing and she is cooking me supper with the fresh garlic and fresh squash out of the small garden, which we will imbibe with the fresh squeezed goat milk my son brought in this morning and enjoy a nice peaceful and joyful meal with good company and laughs.
Peace to you my dear dear friend!!! Love Oxy
Oxy:
Wish I could pop over for a garlic anti-vampire antedote and a chat. Do you think my middle son is one?