The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
JaneSmith,
“Oh, one more thing I wanted to touch on in relation to that other thread where an intruder crashed through the gates, stepped daintily over the laser sights and pushed his way into our cozy little haven.”
Wanted to thank Donna for ending that one but it was too last to put a comment. So Thank you so much for ending that one and not allowing this “whatever” to waste anymore time and effort trying to get some of us to see something not was never there to begin with..
Just hope we don’t get another visit. One was enough for me 🙂
i totally get this story, again its all too familiar. i also agree with the three months period of strangeness kicking in. remember when people say they are seeming very normal, they are the best actors you will ever meet. they are not normal at all but normal is the best bate for them to hook you right away in the begining.well its four years since my experience and you can never escape unless you move far away as someone else said. i still live in he same area as my ex s path. we havent had contact forsome time, but what do you know when he does not hear from me he apears without warning to check up on me and or try to reel me in for. company or whatever something, sex . he is very obvious about doing this but he tries to do it very underhanded as to not look like he is chasing me. the other day he shows up at my work out of the blue he does this rather than call me now it seems less obvious he thinks. anyway i see him aproach from a distance which was good as it gave me some time, warning. when he was close to me i ignored him i did not even make eye contact with him i kept my eyes down and made out i was very busy working which i was not. he waits a while for me to acknowledge him which i dont then he left looking angry. i felt strange to do this but i thought he deserves to be ignored. he does not contact me then just shows up at work where i can not escape him. it was coming up to a long weekend so i guess he was looking to see if i would get to gether with him i can read him so well now. also when he hasnt seen me for a while he does these things to try and find out whats happening in my life. he thinks he has the right to know . its strange but after all these years i felt bad for ignoring him in a way, but good to treat him like that too . it really seemed to p…. him off. other people were there with me so he could not say anything either. for me not to even look at him in the eye he had no power over me and he did not like that. i met my ex s path at work by the way thats where he started his whole plan to get me. its like they never want to let go of you ever , even now he has to know he can pull me in and know what s going on in my life. trying to make it all look so innocent like hes just passing by. its all true they use the sex to get controll in the begining , i didnt even realise until he left how much he had affected me. how addicted to him i was. and why is the first two years after its over the worst, id like to know thats true. he played all sorts of games with my min d in the first two years after. it feels good i have to say his mind will be racing wondering why i did not look at him, or speake the other day, and he doesnt know what im doing if im with someone else or not. ignoring him face to face is different to just ignoring a phone call or text. its powerfull.even though he left me i get the feeling he blames me and resents me for him not having a decent relationship since leaving me.the best thing i can say to anyone going through this is, we are stronger than they know and stronger than we ever think we can be ourselves, just keep telling your self that cause it is very true. and they are very weak people its just that they think they are strong . i saw mine cry like a baby when he left me so i remember that whenever i get scared o fhim. if we dont give them the power or the controll they dont have it ,it really is that simple. can anyone tell me why it all goes pear shaped after the first four months why this time limit, is it just them getting bored or something, can anyone answer this for me. best wishes to you all…..
In the book “When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself” , on page 149 and on, it charts normal relationships to relationships to narcissist across several dimensions, and points out that the first couple of months of dating narcs is more satisfying that dating non-narcs. But then a big shift occurs and by four months the relationships the narcs have become miserable, but the relationships with non-narcs are just hitting their peak of satisfaction. The author compares the rush from eating a glazed donut to the eating something nutritious, were there is no rush, no excitement, no burst of sugary goodness, but also no crash after 20 minutes, no need to run for coffee. You might want to check out the book.
Can anyone suggest some books or articles dealing with the addictive qualities of these relationships? I was extremely interested by Donna’s (and Dr. Leedom’s) remark that the socio’s tactics activate “the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions”. That really rings true.
persephone, I found this book really helpful: “Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy” by Stephanie S. Covington.
I hadn’t thought of myself as a relationship addict, but I found a lot that was familiar in the book, and her guidance on overcoming old damage was easy to understand and sensible.
justabouthealed, thanks i will look for this book. it is true the first couple of months are very satisfying. i wonder why it changes though.i also think that is why its hard to find someone else who makes us feel as good as they did in that first few months. you just cant compare anything else with that feeling. thanks for your advice and coments.
Why do young girls get with extremely older men??…
Drewd:
Because they are trying to find a ‘father’ figure.
They may view the person as Protection, security, safe.
It’s not a healthy situation.
Sometimes it’s being controlled, manipulated by money (security) and other things an older person can offer them.
Sometimes it’s because they have been deeply hurt by men/boys their own age, the ‘games’ of immaturity, cheated on, taken…..they think older men do not do this.
WRONG!!!
They view older men as able to provide the ‘things’ they want….nice dinners, vacations, clothing, homes, cars…..they tend to be ‘nicer’ with conversation, more compliments, they make the girl ‘feel good’ emotionally.
Some cases, they are hoping to be taken care of in a will, these gals are what I call ‘hunters and gatherers’……they are well taken care of and know they have to ‘pay their dues’ to get the end bulk of the ‘estate’ in a will.
It’s hard to say, it’s situational depending on the person.
But, I don’t really think it’s such a great healthy relationship to look for.
Jules: Why it changes is that the narcs true colors start showing. The mask they put on to hook you slips.
Also it changes because we have mistaken ideas about love that throw us off at first. Real intimacy, real love is about the desire to be known and to know and to accept and be accepted as a full human being with strengths and weaknesses.
What passes for love with these narcs is the very human tendency to look for validation instead of real love. In the beginning we validate narcs and narcs validate us. But just about what is IDEAL. (Certainly we are not validated as a person with strengths and weaknesses.) Instead we reflect to each other an idealized, but false, image. Add in the hormonal and chemical changes that those feelings give us, and we are on a complete high.
In a normal relationship, we put our best foot forward, but we are real. The high is not as high, but if the relationship ends, it doesn’t mean falling off from a great height. Instead, we recognized all along it might work, it might not. No one playing Prince Charming or Cinderella. No one is pretending. When you are grounded in reality, you can’t fall far. It hurts if it ends, but it doesn’t devastate you.
And in a normal break up you don’t feel BETRAYED, USED, EMOTIONALLY RAPED. Instead it is more like not getting the job after the interview, when you were so sure it would be a great job. It hurts, its a disappointment, but soon you have the confidence to go to another interview. That is a normal break up.
With a bad guy, it is like being told you have the job, and at a fantastic salary, being shown the 40th floor corner office with the windows all around, and then when you show up for work that first Monday, you are told, sorry, the job was given to someone else.
People talk about the great sex with these guys. Really? REALLY? Maybe great mechanics. But recently when I was making love with my husband, I suddenly noticed what was going on. We were locking eyes, we were smiling and this was at the near orgasm point. And after, he was holding me, kissing my arms, massaging my back, and then we both sort of drifted off, feeling very warm and content. That is what I call great sex. And he’s got a big belly, and I’ve got an ostomy bag hanging off mine and it doesn’t matter a bit to either of us. My husband is the most handsome man in the world to me, he truly is.
And that is NOT what what I got with a bad guy.
DREWD, I agree with ErinB. Anytime there is inequality in a relationship, whether it is age, beauty, or economic status….there is a better chance for exploitation occurring, by one or both parties.
I should add, and for some, not only do you suddenly not have the great job that was 100 times better than any job you ever had before, but you go home to realize everything you had is gone…sometimes even the house itself!