The following letter, written by a young woman who we’ll call Chloe, is one of the most complete stories of psychological manipulation that I’ve ever seen yet. Chloe wrote this letter secretly while the sociopath she is living with was at the gym.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. I was 18; he was 33. He’s a photographer; we live on an island that is very small. He has lived here forever (10 years) and I had only been here a few months when I met him. Everybody, especially women on the island, adore him, he is THE BIGGEST charmer.
He told me that he had moved here with his fiancée, that she had said she was going home for a week, and then never came back. He said she’d gone to therapy back home and been “mindf*cked” and never returned, breaking their engagement. I felt for him. He was so normal and sweet. He was living with his parents (because they were taking over his place) and he was moving out. He/we lived with them for a year, he’s still in it to this day, though his parents left a long time ago.
Always telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I’m 5’7” and 115 pounds, and I’m size DD and he’s always showing me plastic surgeons that do the best boob jobs so I can make them bigger. He was normal for four months, then told me he didn’t want me hanging out with or speaking to other guys. He even would get annoyed when I’d talk to my mom or dad.
Long story short, when I started moving out, which has happened a million times, he became violent. Touching me, I’d ask him to stop, gently pushing him off me but he wouldn’t and that’s when he started strangling me. I’ve told people about him and they take his side, because he’s such an upstanding member of the community.
He says guilt is a useless emotion and therefore feels none. He’s broken six cell phones, and in turn I’ve broken things of his. He uses this as a way to twist it and say it’s all my fault. He has every symptom on the sociopath checklist; I could go on and on. He got me a dog for my birthday and has started to use her as a tool to keep me home.
I’ve lost all my friends, rarely see family, but I’m so scared of life without him. I hate him, but every time I think about not having HIM in my life my chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe. I’ve gone to the hospital because he choked me too long, and spit in my face and held me down and rubbed it in, and I can’t or won’t leave. Isn’t that sick?
Initially I stayed because of the sex. Now I stay because I’m scared to be without him but also, I don’t want him to be with someone else, although I think he might have cheated on me once. When I tell him all these things, he calls me insane and “such a victim” and that I’m “sandbagging him and that’s all in the past.”
I’ve called Women Helping Women, but your site was the most helpful so far and I don’t know what to do. Everyone loves him; even the cops are his “braddahs.” He’s an SMU graduate; I only have high school (although I’ve gone to private schools my whole life) so he says no one would believe me, and they don’t!
His ex told me he stalked her until she moved back to the mainland, and no one believed her either… I used to be really strong and confident, but now I can’t leave the house without his approval of my outfit. I don’t want him to be with someone else, I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t want to be without him. He’s becoming more and more negative and aggressive towards me, but I’m scared to leave and scared to stay.
I feel dumb, ugly, depressed, anxious, and trapped. He’s drilled into my head for almost the whole two years that no other guys will date me or love me, and that they would only cheat on me. I know that’s not true because I get asked out all the time, but now I’m terrified of being cheated on! What should I do? Oh also he has naked pics and video of me that he’s threatened to release, even make money on.
Classic sociopath
This guy is a classic sociopath, employing every trick in the sociopath toolbox. He used the pity play to snag Chloe, with the story about his previous fiancé being “mindf*cked” in therapy to leave him. Yeah, right—she probably fled because it was the only way to get rid of him.
Then the guy used sex to get his hooks into Chloe. As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, in normal people, intimate relations creates bonds between them, and it worked with Chloe. These bonds, which are both psychological and hormonal, are Nature’s way of holding the human race together for our own survival.
But it’s possible for the bonds to become pathological. That can happen when someone—such as a sociopath—deliberately tries to bring another person under his or her control. Here’s how this guy did it to Chloe:
- Telling Chloe what she should eat and wear
- Telling Chloe to get breast implants, even though it sounds like she has a fabulous figure
- Isolating Chloe from her family and friends
- Refusing to comply when she asks him not to touch her, then strangling her
- Breaking cell phones—her way of contacting other people
- Telling Chloe she is insane
- Telling Chloe that no other man will have her
- Twisting everything around so that all problems are Chloe’s fault
Cycle of fear, anxiety, intimacy
Make no mistake—this is abuse. So what happens as a result? The guy creates fear and anxiety in Chloe. Fear and anxiety strengthen those attachment bonds, which started out being normal. What usually happens in these situations is that the victim turns to the abuser for relief from the fear and anxiety. The abuser then “forgives” the victim for “making him” act abusively. Then they have sex.
This cycle of fear-anxiety-intimacy keeps strengthening the psychological and hormonal attachment bond, actually rewiring the victim’s brain. So now, even though Chloe knows the guy is bad news, it is almost impossible for her to get out of the relationship. This is apparent in the physical symptoms Chloe is showing just by thinking about leaving—her chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe.
Off the island
Yet Chloe must leave. She must find the strength to get away from the guy, even if it means voting herself off the island.
Leaving this sociopath will be much like breaking an addiction. This, too, is normal. As Dr. Leedom explains, the bonds created in these relationships use the same pathways in the brain as drug addictions. That’s why Chloe has to go cold turkey with this guy, and why it will feel like withdrawal. The secret, as they say in recovery programs, it to take it one day at a time.
Chloe, do whatever you have to do to get out. Be prepared for the guy to pursue you, perhaps to the point of stalking, as he did with the previous woman. He may plead, beg, and even threaten. It’s not because he loves you. It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his property. Because that’s all you are to him—property.
In response to KATYA
I think my ex did the same, my ex knew I couldn’t take the pill, and when we went on a weekend away and I was sure I’d packed protection, but when I went to get it I couldn’t find it anywhere..then later on it popped up again.
Donna. Liane and chloe
There is something that happens SOME women when they sleep with their men, and that is a very powerful animal bond formed at a primal visceral reptilean brain level that renders us kind of in a stupor of hormonal gooosh. I do not think it’s possible to rip ourselves away and it takes superhuman strength to detach (no matter what he is doing)
He was normal for 4 months…Grooming the bond, establishing the trust feeding the need for love etc. (once done, he gets bored and ups the stimuli by stealing money, cheating, violence whatever makes him tick)…
but there is always that still small voice inside us that says this is not right, this is not right and it is only through a series of enlightening moments that escape is possible.
I think it is very important Not to sleep with a guy until you are really sure he is normal. you lie in their “soup” of hormones, bonding agents that nature intends to hold you solidly….regardless of whether he is a psychopath or not.
I have also a suspicion, I do not know if it’s another psychopath trait but they have PHENOMINAL ANIMAL MAGNETISM I remember the affection feeling so powerful from him, so natural, so beautiful…his touch was very sensitive almost the complete opposite to what was In HIS MIND…..I do not know…they would drive you nuts with the contradictions…it’s genuinely bewildering, but we have to nail it….but the body language of love seems totally real. Maybe the body, sexuality, sensuality is used(manipulated) by the mind of a psychopath differently.
to attach the female for intended abuse.
Dear Bulletproof,
I totally agree with you that the hormal rush WE get with sex is used “against” us, whereas the psychopath gets no similar bonding response. I also think that they know we get “something” from sex that they don’t. They aren’t sure what it is, but I think they CRAVE that unknown “something” and I think maybe the search for this also makes them go from partner to partner, seeking this, thinking each new partner may be the “one” to give them this “something.”
Of course there is an adrenaline rush when they have a new partner, or when they are cheating with another partner, but even this is not satisfying for long because they still dont get “it”—the bond.
But yes, I agree the “sweetness and light” they start out with is the HOOK to bond us to them, then start the control and abuse and the victim stays, ever hoping that the “sweetness and light” will come back, and at times it seems to, but not for long, but it is too late, we are hooked.
I am entirely in agreement with you on sleeping with someone before you truly know them in a wide variety of situations and over a considerable period of time. I think that waiting for sex will get rid of a bunch of the Ps fairly quickly as they don’t have much “impulse control” and don’t like to “wait” for anything, they want it right now, so if a guy WON’T wait, I think that right there would be a BIG RED FLAG.
Sex is a great thing, and I like it as much or more than just about anyone, but I do know it is a bonding thing for me. Lots of people I know have “friends with benefits” but I am not able to do this, not on “moral” grounds, but because I could not have sex with someone and NOT bond to them. I’m just not capable of that. I also take into consideration the potential for diseases that even condoms don’t protect against, and therefore I require a monogamous relationship and pre-sex medical STD testing just for my own safety.
But that’s just my decisions and opinions on all these subjects, I’m not trying to say they are required for everyone else.
Dear Oxy and Bulletproof,
I haven’t seen this article before. I think the most helpful part was the cycle: fear-anxiety-intimacy. Ah yes.. make-up sex. Isn’t it fun?! I recall a high level of anxiety with the Bad Man. There was always tension building and he was not in the mood for waiting for sex.
I remember his arguement. “Why do all the bad boys get sex and the good guys have to wait?” He, of course, counted himself as a good guy being a former minister. (yes, I have verified that claim.)
Looking back, the sex was intense but if I really think about it… it wasn’t the ultimate. I was so emotionally bruised and battered that I couldn’t let go with him. I still find it hard to open up.
Dr. Leedom,
Your comment about these guys not qualifying as Sociopaths…. yes. I toured a Domestic Violence resource last year and was shot down for even mentioning “personality disorder.” The director told me in no uncertain terms that this was “learned behavior.” I don’t really understand the purpose of sticking to that line of thinking. I wonder if they believe that if the victim believes the abuse is related to some kind of “disorder” that that will illicit sympathy or something.
To me, “learned behavior” is dangerous because it gives the victim the idea that something else can be learned such as how NOT TO ABUSE. But we all know this is pointless with the kind of people we are talking about here.
aloha – i think that the first generations of dometsitc violence workers fought really hard to change society, legislation, and secure funding by creating a singular, specific message about the origins and affects of domestic violence; that is springs from and is supported by culture, social/ economic and especially, gender roles.
now, all funding and support flows continually because of that message. I am not surprised that a center would be reluctant to embrace and idea that would challenge the paradigm, as there is both a culture and funding to protect.
i have given the lovefraud url to a trusted counselor at my local sexaul assault centre, and talked to her about the spath in depth. she has passed it on to a few counselors. as i am writing this, i am wondering if i could do an in-service with the counselors at some point – when i am able to articulate the experience and the research in a meaningful way. it might be a really good place to do this.
ty for posting. 🙂 you’ve given me pause to think about another way to empower myself and others.
best,
one step
Dear Aloha,
Great point!!!! The DV shelter I have been helping has the same “motto”—the “semi-professional” who is the hired worker there, the “counselor” there is of the same mind, and very STUCK in this thinking.
Also, when my X-DIL was released from the county jail here after she and her BF attacked my son, her husband, and tried to kill him, the “counselor” there convinced her she was the abused one because my son kept guns in the house, therefore HE was an abuser and SHE was the victim. DUH???
At the divorce hearing, where she showed up WITH the counselor from the DV shelter the “counselor” was LOOKING DAGGERS at me. I can only imagine what the X-DIL had told her about what kind of an abuser I WAS! LOL
I remember when she was in court for her bail hearing, sitting there in the orange jump suit, shakles and jelly slippers, she would look over at me or at me as I talked to the judge to get her bail raised so she could not make bail, and she would then look over at the “meth-head” next to her that was chained to her, and then they would BOTH look daggers at me.
I truly believe she is quite adept at presenting herself as a “victim” of others, as several others I have known are also good at being “victims” and presenting themselves AS VICTIMS.
In many violent households, the situation is TWO psychopaths or other disordered people preying on each other, and the one who “loses” presents themselves as a VICTIM. I think we have all known people in this kind of relationship.
I realize that a psychopath can at times provoke a “non-disordered person” to strike back, but too many times I have seen people who have been in serial violent relationships that are themselves personality disordered as well. Some of those are VERY good at presenting themselves as an “INNOCENT” victim.
Most of the rest of us will at some point admit that our own behavior contributed to the relationship by ALLOWING the abuse repeatedly, but I have found that most of the time in my experience when the person presents themselves as a “HELPLESS and INNOCENT VICTIM” that is a RED FLAG that you are dealing with a Psychopath disguised as a VICTIM, and they are using a “pity play” to get close enough to you to abuse you. That “oh, pity me, I am an innocent victim, how couldl I have known he wasn’t nice (after the first 50 times he hit me)?”
In fact, last summer, I took in such a person, to “help” them, but fortunately I kept my own emotional and clinical distance from this woman, and after a while it started to become apparent that she had NO intention of helping herself, but was in fact, quite willing to cross boundaries and try to manipulate money etc. from me. She did not respect my boundaries and as I watched and listened she started to contradict herself in her “stories”—I eventually had the RED FLAG WARNING LIGHT go on in my head and I spoke to a friend who is a psychiatrist and told them what the signs were and my assessment was confirmed. I asked the woman to leave.
She went on later, I heard from others, to cross other boundaries with other people and present herself as a victim of my abuse. Even after I had told her she had to leave, she started in tellin me how I had abused her and now she could never trust anyone again, crying and whining in one of the best displays of the “Oh, pity me” I have ever seen. I am fortunate that I didn’t extend my helping to enabling, or feeling guilty because she didn’t take advantages of the opportunities I had given her to have a safe place to stay and to get a job. This woman did NOT want a job, she wanted someone else to provide for her. I have also never heard so many excuses of why someone could not do something productive or even try to help herself.
Having worked with spinal cord rehab for years in the past, and help get many of these people back into productive work lives though they are very severely physically disabled, I tend not to have a great deal of “pity” for someone physically able, very smart, and totally unwilling to take ANY responsibility for themselves.
I know I have thrown more than one pity party for myself, and at times felt like “it is soooo unfair” WAH! BOO HOO, but in the end, I accept responsibility for ALLOWING others to abuse me repeatedly in the past, and I don’t intend to CONTINUE to blame every bad thing in my life on someone else preying on my “innocence.” I have choices just like everyone and I have made some STUPENDOUSLY BAD CHOICES in my life, like putting with repeated abuses and lies from those I loved, but I have ALSO MADE SOME GOOD ones, and I intend to try to make BETTER choices in the future, and to put the knowledge I have gained, that I AM ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LIFE, into practice so that my life becomes what I want it to be.
I can’t stop people from TRYING to abuse me, and maybe they will “get me” ONCE ,but it is my choice whether to allow them to do it a SECOND TIME or not. “Chit on me once, shame on you, chit on me TWICE, SHAME ON ME.”
So that is why I have established boundaries that are etched in granite to protect myself from people who WOULD abuse me, and if I see a RED FLAG that violates these precepts, then that person is out of my life, hopefully, before they can do much damage financially, physically, or emotionally.
MY TRUST for one is my MOST prescious commodities, and I guard it, and people now EARN it slowly over time, and yet, it is like a FINE CRYSTAL VASE, once it is cracked or destroyed, it is DIFFICULT, IF NOT IMPOSSIBLE, TO HAVE IT RESTORED.
I still have a desire to be supportive of people who are “down on their luck” but I don’t try to enable them, or take the responsibillity for them, I can give someone an opportunity or be supportive, but I can’t do it for them. I am only RESPONSIBLE for myself, and I expect all other adults to be responsible for themselves.
One of the things I so admire about Aloha, is that woman has taken responsibility for her life, paid off her bills, is not in college persuing her advanced degree and getting on with her life. Bit by bit she paid off the debts and put her life back on track, even when she was hurting and accepted responsibility for herself. She’s my hero! ((((hugs))))
Wow Oxy. Thanks for that!
It has been a journey to pull things back together for sure.
If it wasn’t for the kindness of my friends that I live with, I think I would still be paying for the past. Paying off that last few dollars last April was monumental.
You know, I want someone to take care of me too. Don’t we all just want to curl up in a ball and have someone else meet our needs? But life isn’t that way. The biggest gift my friends gave me was their trust. They believed in me when my life was trashed and they knew that I would go forward if I could just get some traction. I have made them proud. I don’t take advantage of people… because I am not one of those people that we talk about here every day. The investment they made is me is paying off for them and for me.
This site has been a Godsend and.. a very powerful resource for so many people out there healing.
So Happy Valentines Day to all of you wherever you may be in this world and wherever you are on your healing journey.
It will be five years for me on July 3rd, 2010.
Aloha……….. Thanks again Oxy! I needed that!
Aloha:
You sound like your in a GOOD place! What a warrior!!!
I’m so glad to hear it……
Congrats on your success in healing YOU….and finding your way!
WE so need to hear from the ‘other side’….it’s very encouraging.
THANKS FOR YOUR CONTINUED SHARING…..
Go take the world by the balls girl!
XXOO
EB
Aloha,
So happy to see you here writing your priceless words. And so happy to witness how healed and vibrant you are after the “bad man” created so much turmoil in your life. You’re doing super swell!
You know, what you said about how it would be pleasant to have someone meet our needs for a change and not the other way around, and that life isn’t that way is so very true.
I was once that gal who solely desired to be loved and cared for by a man. That’s all I wanted for so many years.
Now, after these many years of educating myself regarding personality disorders, dysfunctional, toxic people and the immense harm they cause in our lives, traveling my healing and learning journey to freedom, I no longer rely on any one person to satisfy my essential wants and needs.
I do it for myself. And, I would be a liar if I didn’t express how very much our Triune God has liberated me from all my past fears and pain. He gives me all the comfort and solace I need to be a joyful woman.
If I meet and click with a wonderful man, then…great! But if I don’t, I will continue to rely on me and the Lord to supply me with all the love, care, and nurturing I need.
Of course, with my newly discovered love for myself and for all life, I’m able to reflect that back to folks. I couldn’t do that before when I was a sad, broken gal.
I believe this powerful, positive dynamic works for all folks who truly believe and love themselves.
When we have faith in ourselves and who we are as valuable human beings, the possibilities are endless.
Be well, friend Aloha…
🙂