Editor’s note: The following is a review of “Love Fraud – How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan,” by Donna Andersen
By Matt
It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes just one woman to bring down a sociopath. And Donna Andersen became a one-woman wrecking crew when she set out to seek justice against her sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. Ms. Andersen has written a riveting story of her simultaneous journeys seeking justice against Montgomery, and inner peace from the havoc he wreaked in her life.
Ms. Andersen was forced — by both internal and external facts and circumstances — to pursue two very separate yet intertwined paths. The first path was through the US and foreign court systems as she battled her ex-husband trying to collect her $1 million plus divorce judgment from him. As Ms. Andersen realized that the justice system had failed her and would continue to fail her, she took matters into her own hands. From an emotional standpoint Ms. Andersen had to adopt the policy that “to get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath.” And boy did she.
Ms. Andersen turned her energy into getting back everything Montgomery had stolen from her and then some. Trying to find records of where Montgomery was hiding his money, Ms. Andersen showed pure resourcefulness in breaking into and clearing out a storage bin belonging to Montgomery and his new wife. Trying to shake money out of Montgomery, Ms. Andersen showed unadulterated moxie when she teamed up with another of Montgomery’s victims to convince Montgomery the other woman was pregnant and needed money. And to expose Montgomery to all of Australia and New Zealand as a fraudulent war hero, Ms. Andersen showed pure ruthlessness. Yes, Donna Andersen out sociopathed a sociopath.
The second path Ms. Andersen took was her spiritual journey to recovery and healing. Ms. Andersen makes a very convincing case that while none of us takes the same path to healing and recovery from a sociopath, we all ultimately have to find a path.
Ms. Andersen pursued her spiritual journey with the help of energy healers, psychics and past life regression. Being a hard-headed realist, I at first thought Ms. Andersen’s path to spiritual healing was a “bit out there.” But, as I read her story, I saw that her two-pronged approach to recovery — the factual and the spiritual — are both necessary components for recovery.
Ms. Andersen’s message for me was that in order to reclaim your life from a sociopath you must be proactive. Once you become proactive, the spiritual healing follows. When I looked at my recovery through the prism of Ms. Andersen’s, I realized that after I did everything I could legally do to the sociopath I had been involved with, I had come to a place of acceptance and could move on with my life. Or, to put it another way, once you expose the sociopath and putting him in a real or de facto prison, you will be freed from the prison that the sociopath has made of your life. Ms. Andersen’s powerful story is not only a gift to all survivors of sociopaths, but an inspiration.
Matt:
You know, it’s funny – when I was going through everything, trying to find my money – I didn’t feel like I was “out-sociopathing a sociopath.” I felt like I was desperately trying to survive.
But looking back – I guess you’re right. The difference, I suppose, is motivation. My ex sociopathed me to take what he wanted and felt entitled to. I sociopathed him in an effort to recover what was stolen from me.
Matt and I are of like minds when it comes to sociopathic damage control.
Donna, Your right on with “out Sociopathing a sociopath”.
Motivation is the differntiating factor.
Spaths do it as a way of life……survivors must do it to recover assets and expose the behaviors and person.
‘Out spathing a spath’, ‘calling on your inner sociopath’, ‘backspathing’ or ‘counter controlling’ a spath……whatever you call it…..the difference is….we have a choice and keep a balance. All of the above are tactics used/needed to expose a sociopath.
You gotta fight fire with fire, because they just walk right over any fire line we can cut, on the landscape of our lives.
As I am recent in going through this journey, I am realizing what I was married to. He is a textbook case. I would love to get back at him some way, but I think the best thing to do is just move on with my life. I moved out of state to be with him, and felt the stress, literally felt the stress from day one. The divorce, of course, was ugly. I consider myself lucky that I was only out $11,000. Less than a month after signing the final divorce papers, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So here I am, not knowing many people here and needing help. He turned his back on me. That was my ‘ah-ha’ moment. I began to comprehend his level of inhumanity. After a few texts and lunches, I realized the ‘no contact’ rule is best. I wish I could warn the next victim. I was his 4th wife. I wish the public knew more about this horrible personality disorder. I wish they could be cured.
Dear Girlfromnowere,
There are others here who have also experienced cancer, strokes, their kids kidnapped and more of the above…you are NOT ALONE.
Keep on reading and learning and applying that knowledge to your healing and you will overcome! God bless. And, welcome to LoveFraud.
Matt, Donna’s experiences had a Divine Purpose, I believe. She’s shown incredible determination and resourcefulness in ways that I can’t even fathom.
More than any amount of money that she was legally awarded, the upside to Donna’s experiences was to build a community of supportive survivors in a virtual world. Without this site and the strong counseling therapy in the aftermath, I don’t even want to entertain where I would be, right this moment.
Girlfromnowhere, welcome to LoveFraud and I’m sorry that you were compelled to find your way to a site that addresses sociopathy and recovery. But, you’ve found a tremendous source of information and healing.
Getting back at the exspath is a fantasy that I entertain only in my mind. I’ve been advised by numerous sources that I will never, ever, EVER recovery a dime of what the exspath stole from me, and that’s just the way it is. I don’t like this fact, either.
But, what the exspath did not succeed in doing was to cause my premature death, or the destruction of my soul. That has no pricetag, and I’m grateful for every day in recovery – even the bad days.
Brightest blessings
Lovefraud is a lifesavor for us all. I came here today to save my ife and I guess it worked.
I gave up yesteday and wanted to just put myself out of my misery. I survived and recovered once when I got out of my marriage to the psychopath many years ago but I lost the last battle recently when he took away my daughter and she took away my grandchildren.
I am helping my terminally ill sister who used the psychopath for her lawyer and named my daughter POA and executor. I know I owe them nothing but I owe myself the dignity of doing the right thing and that does not include abandoning my sister or grandchildren.
The mutual pain of seeing my grandchildren is killing me. I see them confused and afraid to approach me. I have asked my daughter several times if we will still be able to see them after my sister is gone. This seems to me to be a valid question since my ability to control my pain requires a knowledge of the facts. It requires not getting up false hope and not giving up either…a very emotional and fine line to walk. The second guessing is like constant torture. And it is almost unbearable while watching my sister die.
I always get the same recorded answer: “I do not know and I refuse to discuss it with you now. Nancy (my sister) is the only thing that matters now.” And it seems true as she would rather get a babysitter than let me help and give my love to my grandchildren. I asked her yesterday if she ever considered the possibility that losing my daughter and my grandchildren might be worse to me than the death of my sister. She just looked at me and said nothing. And believe me, losing my sister is the worst thing I have ever had to endure except losing my daughter and grandchildren…even having lost parents, a brother and being involved with a psychopath abuser and sperm donor for my children.
I have invoked daughter’s wrath again by trying trying to sooth my sobbing grandaughter and let her know I always want to see her and will always love her and I do not know why her mommy and daddy will not let us be together. It seems obvious to all concerned, that I am cut out of their life but I am vilified again for putting the truth into words.
God grant me the ability to get through this triple tribulation to avoid the psychopath lawyer, to win my daughter back from the psychopath’s mind control or at least to live long enough to share my love with my grandchildren again someday.
Matt-great article
Donna-you displayed an incredible amount of guts in what you do did and I admire it. Your spath was way worse than my N and I just curled up into a ball and fell apart. I am go grateful to you for making this site so the rest of us can learn and break the cycle.
Girlfromnowhere-Welcome to LF. I’m sorry you have to be here but it will help you and teach you infinitely and provide you the support that you need to get through it.
Betsy-I really hope your situation can be resolved so you can see your grandchildren
This doesn’t have much to so with spaths, but I find it very hard to finally figure out my flaws and how I contributed to getting narc’d. I’m frustrated because I have figured out a lot of why I do what I do but I don’t know how to change it and not do it anymore.
girlfromnowhere,
You are lucky you got away and better off without him. He belongs to the dispiciable psychopath group. I know of two examples…
The third wife of the psychopath sperm donor in my life was abandoned by him when she had just had most of her liver removed because of liver cancer. He went on vacation to Australia for a month then came back and hired a moving van to take what he went from their house. Fortunately she is fine now. He did the moving van trick on me too and cut off the phone leaving me and his two little children feeling violtated and randed without a phone even for emergency.
Psychopath later convinced my daughter he did the “right thing” with wife number three because they were not getting along and she was better off without him. She was better off without him but that in no way makes it “the right thing for him to do”. It just proves he is a dispicible psychopath.
My best friend was also abandoned when she had breast cancer at age 29. She also found out she was pregnant and had to get an abortion to save her life. She too survived…she is now a 30 year cancer survivor and a fantastic person.
They are out there and they are dispicible and leathal. Get as far away from him as you can and never look back. I wish you the best.
ElizabethBennett,
Have you ever read “Women who love psychopaths?”
I fit the temperament and personality of that victim profile, and it made a lot of sense to me. It made me see how my own qualities and strenghts and gifts were used against me and I came to be attracted and misguided in the first place. However, these traits are very fundamental, and some of it is unchangeable… I cannot alter my degree of extravertness. I cannot alter my ability to bond deeply, and when I do bond I cannot be ‘not loyal’, ‘not giving’, etc… I would have wronged and ultimately destroy myself deeply mentally, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically if I were to even try to alter those fundamental traits of myself.
However, it did teach me insight on how those traits in the wrong hands could be turned against me, as well as how those traits can be the reason for being attracted to the wrong men – a bad picker. Equipped with that knowlege, along with the red flags, I decided it’s possible to be myself, remain myself, but stay out of te hot water, or jump out asap.
I had an interesting and honest conversation with my best mate last night. Coming February he’ll turn 40, and in March I’ll turn 39. We’ve admitted to ourselves and each other that we are struggling with our self-image of attractiveness. I recognize that this would be an ideal vulnerability for being flattered and conned by spaths. We also discussed what in our experience helps to improve that vulnerability, and what we ourselves can do about it. In the end, we ended up in my kitchen, cooking together while dancing on music blaring through my boxes (Graceland by Paul Simon). Then we laughed about it, and admitted it’s been a long time since we danced spontaneously in each other’s living room (with no party going on). Personally I expect that by the time I do hit 40, I’ll be totally fine with it. I actually regard it as a sexy, attractive age. But at 38, 39 I suddenly feel like in between stages… not really 30-something anymore, not really 40-something yet. It’s a similar feeling to when I was 15-16: not a child anymore, not much of an adolescent let alone an adult, either.
What I mean to say is that our vulnerabilities may vary and change with time, age, changes in life, etc… So, it’s not just about learning our past vulnerabilities, but also be vigilant of new vulnerabilities developing, and to pre-emptively commit ourselves to solving it ourselves.