Woman meets guy online. Woman decides guy is not for her. Guy doesn’t want to hear it. Guy wants wants to meet her RIGHT NOW to hug her neck. Woman doesn’t respond. Guy promises the greatest love ever. Woman tells guy to STOP. Guy ramps up the attention.
Read the entire audacious interaction, complete with the guy saying it was all a joke, at womenexplode.com.
Thank you, Stargazer and Donna.
Stargazer, I read your message and my mouth dropped. Everything you said is spot on. If I objected, he told me to work on my jealousy. I lost myself in the relationship, modified my beliefs and values and moved the boundary so many times it eventually was erased. I tolerated behavior that I would never, ever tolerate from anyone. Why?
At one point he was seeing TWO people at the same time he was seeing me. It seemed like nothing or no one was ever enough.
I have a great family who was doubtful of this guy. I have great friends who told me to be careful. I believed in him and his “love” more than I believed in anyone or even myself. I protected him and defended him. So stupid.
Like you, I am stronger now and can walk away more than I ever could before. It’s taken a lot of time but I almost fully realize now how lucky I really am.
BUT, I fear running into him or, in a couple of months, when he finds me again. I’ve asked him to leave me alone but that only lasts for so long.
Maybe now that he has two kids and is married he will settle down. Somehow I doubt it. I think you’re right that he has no integrity and will never be monogamous.
Thanks for the comments and support. It’s already made a huge difference.
Steps, I keep asking myself why, too. When I know a guy is sub-par, why do I give him a second chance? Why do I keep letting him get his foot in the door? Why do I ignore the bad behaviors?
I am a hopeless romantic. I want so much to believe that when a man kisses me, it means something and that he wants to really cherish me. It’s hard for me to understand that this is not true for everyone. Not everyone is love-motivated. Not everyone is emotionally mature. Not everyone wants to settle down.
Our job is to suss out the ones who are not appropriate and just to say no in the beginning BEFORE we get too attached. I’ve known this guy on and off for 4 years. Even though his behaviors have been hit-or-miss, I have left the door open to him anyway. He always pursues just enough to keep me hanging, then becomes busy and distant. It’s taken a while to see the game, but now I’m attached. I’m asking myself why, just as you are. I don’t have the answers yet. My compassionate nature and wanting to see the best in people get me in big trouble sometimes. I am a very sensitive person and don’t find many people I can really be close to so I get lonely. And when that happens, I fantasize a man to be the man of my dreams. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I am – being romantic and deeply passionate. But I need to learn how to walk away when I see the first red flag. Apparently, I have not learned that yet.
I don’t think I’m particularly a magnet for these types. I’m an attractive, intelligent, deeply sensual, passionate, and charming person. I attract all types of men. I just tend to be drawn toward the alpha males who are confident, interesting, fun, and exciting. Yet it seems that so many of those types are happy playing the field, at least the ones in my age range (50’s). If they’re not all-out narcissists or sociopaths, they been damaged by divorces.
And if I’m being completely honest, I think I still believe deep down that a truly amazing guy would not go for me. So I take the best guy I get and try to make him amazing in my eyes, even if he’s not. I just want to be loved. I know no guy is perfect. I’d just like to find one who can love me. It’s so simple.
Stargazer
You wrote something that I used to say all the time “I’m a hopeless romantic”. I say “used to” because my wonderful therapist helped me to an epiphany.
The epiphany:
What is the meaning of “hopeless”?
Answer:
It is to have NO HOPE. That is… NO HOPE OF ROMANCE.
And because I had that core belief, I gave guys a chance that should NEVER have been on my radar.
Epiphany: I was not looking for guys who matched my interests and character values. I was looking to see if the guy would romance me (or another way to look at it, I was looking for someone to seduce me.)and THEN I tried to make them into decent, kind, considerate, caring boyfriends. I had it backwards!
Since the epiphany, I’ve had fewer “candidates”, but the quality has gone WAY UP.
You first sentence in your last paragraph is what prompted me to write this response. My therapist would say that you are automatically filtering out the amazing guys so it’s no wonder you are giving chances to what’s left. Like me, you’re doing it backwards. She helped me to stop putting the cart before the horse.
I learned WHY I must First, be aware and identify my value system (which I knew but had not wrote it down as a filter list to qualify my innermost circle relationships) and seek the friendships of people who match that value system. (my deal breakers list includes those who are unreliable, irresponsible, addicts, deadbeat dads, those with no goals or plans for life) The new friends who match my values are the people who will help us meet that AMAZING guy, who btw, will not romance you but will check YOU out to see if YOU match HIS values, then he’ll FRIEND you, THEN romance you. That’s the order of developing the relationships we say we want. Someone who we experience an early connection before checking out our values is someone who is looking to exploit us, not looking for someone to cherish.
I haven’t met my sweetheart yet, but the quality of my friendships are stellar. We are a small circle but all are reliable and trustworthy and love me, and I am the same to them.
Not saying this is true for you, just saying your post made me think you were sabotaging yourself, that is, having a desire but going about getting it in a way that excluded the ONLY ones worthy of YOU.
Dear Not, oh wise woman, can I borrow your therapist? My last therapist told me I was a hopeless romantic. lol I do think words and thoughts are powerful, and I appreciate the reminder to watch how I think!
This guy unfortunately has many of the qualities I like. And also, I’ve met and dated many truly kind and caring men – and none of them have been attractive to me. I gave the last one a year to see if the attraction could grow. I date all kinds of men.
I know once I totally let go of this other one, I can enter back into the present moment where all wonderful things are possible. I know the drill. Have been through it many times.
Star…
LOL! I went through 4 DUDS before I stumbled on my treasure. Therapist who didn’t remember my name even though I was the first Wed apt for over two months, another who verbally attacked me as being negative because I was SEVERELY depressed. The male therapist who blew my mind with his mother issues, VERY hostile, announced that all women were castrating bitches punished by God for creating original sin….
My therapist is an older woman who cherry picks her clients. She only works with people who want help. She said people like me are highly motivated. She was right. I was desperate for answers, insights, clarity. She was truthful without being cruel and after living a life of lies, I was thirsty for truth. I doubted EVERYTHING, I was a complete basketcase.
I so believe that the RIGHT therapist can validate, empower, restore the savaged stripped soul. I’ve met some wonderful people over the years. I don’t know that I’d be here if not for her. I had the thinnest thread of hope, barely holding on. Everything around me was CRAZY and I was sure it was because I was so deficient. I didn’t know what made me deficient. I knew my ex was an enormous heartless jerk, but I didn’t know about sociopaths then.
Star, Am glad to read that you know a world where all wonderful things are possible. I look for and read your posts. You are so gifted at helping others here on LF, but when it came to listening to your own council, Your picker is broken.
Dear Not, I do occasionally listen to my own council. lol The problem is not that I date the wrong kind of guys. I date all kinds of guys, and I give them all a chance to be amazing. The problem is that when they turn out to be wrong, I have a hard time letting go. Breaking up gracefully is an art. I have dated some very sweet and nice guys. The one in my life now who is a very close friend is wonderful. But I cannot force myself to be attracted to someone if the chemistry is just not there. 🙁 I’d rather have a guy whose a little rough around the edges but that I’m attracted to.
Anyway, I do put myself out there. I have a beach party next Saturday, lots of salsa dancing, I had an ice cream social in my neighborhood yesterday, and I will go on a road trip out of town for my vacation the week after next.
I think I’m stuck where a lot of other people are here – waiting to get some stuff from him (pictures from the concert) and wanting to see if there is a way I can actually communicate my feelings to him – i.e., still trying to give him a small chance to be amazing, though the odds are slim at this point.
Ha! Star…
Who am I to say your picker is broken?! I was married to a sociopath! And STILL tried to keep my marriage, (although in my own defense, once I became aware that there was no marriage and it wasn’t because of me, I did pursue divorce).
And besides, you didn’t post asking for dating advice. So, I send you apologies for stepping over the line and sticking my oar in.
No it’s not romance it’s an addiction to being hurt. And it’s this we consider romantic.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, your post triggered something similar. I would speak to my therapist and ask: why is he doing this? why doesn’t he call me? what do his action really mean?
and my therapist would say: do any of those questions matter? it doesn’t matter what he wants, it is about what YOU want. I would get upset–I just wanted to understand and be clear on what my ex wanted.
Over time (just recently), I’ve realized my therapist was right. I gave my ex all of the control. I had to be clear and firm on MY values and what I wanted. All the calls and reading between the lines on his “true” feelings didn’t and shouldn’t matter.
Self-confidence is huge. I didn’t think of myself has having low self-esteem but I recognize now that I didn’t want to hurt someone who I loved or I didn’t want to always be nagging and complaining. But in wanting to be “nice,” I let someone take advantage of me.
I still struggle with the questions–am I being too tough on him? Could I give him one more chance? What if he has changed and I just don’t know it? Or I am not the person he is willing to change for? There are some days when I am alone that I wonder if I could just text or see him, would enough have have changed?
Then I have to stop and remember: it doesn’t matter. I want someone who is honest, reliable, responsible and caring from the start. He was not, is not and will not be that person. Not to me and probably not to anyone. We deserve to get what we want. Don’t settle. I have to remind myself of these things, too.
This is a quote that sums it up: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
steps
Great Quote and SO true. I know that in (groan) hindsight.
My ex said the strangest thing when we were first dating. He said, “I’m no good”. It was one of those evenings, he wouldn’t talk to me, he just sat there, finally he said that, then got up and went home. Dummy me, I thought he was just being insecure because I was a pretty accomplished person. The next day, he behaved as if the evening before never happened.
Later, on the day I met his mother, she said, “Oh, I’m really bitter, I’m just so bitter.” A weird thing to say on the first occasion of meeting your son’s girlfriend, and again I dismissed it as a low moment when a person feels overwhelmed or hurt (she had a misogynist husband).
It turned out that my boyfriend/husband/ex is a sneaky, twofaced, manipulative, extremely vindictive misogynist himself, and embraced the worst traits of both of his evil, simply evil parents.
They TOLD me what they were, I didn’t understand what they were saying.
Funny my ex said something recently “I know you think I am a bad guy. I am a bad guy but not for the reasons that you think.” Huh?
I lost myself in my relationship with this person. I wish I would have trusted myself and not been so eager to make it work when it clearly had no hope. We never moved forward, only in circles and backwards. But the last time I spoke with him he was trying to convince me we had a great relationship. I get confused.
We should be kind to ourselves but I get mad at myself sometimes. I wasted precious time on someone who never cared for me in the way I cared for him. And now he keeps coming back around every few months. He says he’ll keep a distance but there’s always a reason for “checking in.” Why try to talk to me when you are getting married with kids? It gets annoying and gets me worked up even when I know there’s no point.
Steps, when you are really ready to let go, hopefully, you can make him go away. It’s making the final decision that’s so……final. (Talking for myself and my situation, too).
Thanks, Star. I agree. I just want to be left alone. And no matter how hard I try to do that I feel like I can’t completely move on. I just have to keep trying.
Dear Not, you have nothing to apologize to me for. 🙂 Your observations are very astute. I always enjoy hearing what you have to say, and please feel free to put your impressions out there. I obviously cannot see my own blind spots. That’s why we’re all here, right?
You are correct in noting that I didn’t specifically ask for dating advice. This is because when I used to do that, the typical response I used to get is “He’s a spath; stay away from him.” This was not the best advice for me, but it’s understandable given the venue. But don’t think your feedback is not welcome or that I don’t listen!
Steps, just remember, the decision is yours to make – not his. Left to default, he will probably keep coming back and tying up your energy for the rest of your life if you let him.
I tried to be a Gray Rock when I lived for a while on my ex’s studio apartment which belonged to his parents and while he was living with his mother 2 floors down from me. I was not asked to pay rent and this was easier on me because I was struggling financially. With time though, I realised he had other plans in his mind. He had also started to withhold sex from me so long that it got up to 9 months without being intimate!
I stopped asking and he could not care less either!
He was lazy and unemployed so sex must have started to become like work for him..I waited long enough to see how far it would go and in all honesty he was fine seeing me each time he felt it was time to, would come upstairs and throw me a simple kiss or a hug or most of the times not even that! Basically we became like brother and sister. I was a ‘buddy’ to him.
So then at some time later, I realised that the only reason he kept on being ‘with me’ was his hope I would take him with me to Europe one day and live there. He wanted to leave the US badly and hoped for a better life in another country while of course living with me..even as a platonic couple! When I made it clear to him this will never happen, he was in denial and never took my words seriously. Until I finally moved out quietly while he was sleeping.. and that was the end of it.