Woman meets guy online. Woman decides guy is not for her. Guy doesn’t want to hear it. Guy wants wants to meet her RIGHT NOW to hug her neck. Woman doesn’t respond. Guy promises the greatest love ever. Woman tells guy to STOP. Guy ramps up the attention.
Read the entire audacious interaction, complete with the guy saying it was all a joke, at womenexplode.com.
Dear Roodyzoo,
Well, it isn’t a great Christmas for him I can believe, but he brought it on himself….I know that no matter what they do, it is like amputating your own leg with a dull butcher knife when we cut them off, but I think they are like a CANCER within the family’s body. They must be excised or they will SPREAD throughout the entire body, and kill the family if they are not stopped
Not only must they be excised from the body but they must be denied re-entrance by immunizing the other members of the family against the “pity ploy” that they will use in an effort to get supply out of the individual members of the family. ”
If mama or papa won’t give me money/a place to stay etc, then Sissy or Brother will…..and then I will convince Sissy and Brother what mean folks mama and papa are to refuse to help me out.”
Immunizing your other kids to the danger is associating with the psychopathic one and not falling for his pity ploy is a tough job too. My biological son C fell for the con from his brother, the P, and went along with more than I care to think about when they were “persecuting” me…my relationship with him (son C) is limited to the occasional e mail for business purposes….so yes, the “infection” from the psychopath can spread throughout the entire family destroying the core and function of the unit as well as the individual lives. Protect the family…get them immunized against the psychopath by KNOWLEDGE. Good luck and God bless. (((hugs))))
Aussie,
I just read your above post about the troll. It isn’t unusual for us to have more than one spath or troll in our lives. I think it boils down to the fact that we are very nice people and everyone can tell. It shows on our faces.
When I look at the picture of Donna on the LF front page, you can see her sweet nature, and I think anyone can. A spath just sucks that up.
I do business with a man and was talking to him about spaths, explained some of my history etc…
Then one day I told him, “I’d rather do business with you than your competitors because of your gruff mannerisms, that’s how I know you’re not a sociopath or out to con me. A sociopath is always charming when they first meet you.” This man is very brusk, although he is very slightly less brusk to me than to his male customers.
He was surprised that I thought he was gruff. Seemed unaware of it. He’s actually very nice but has no need to sugarcoat his interactions. He is upfront but reserved.
I think we could all try to be more that way – as a protective measure. Unfortunately, as women and sources of N-supply, we were brought up to be “pleasing” to others. This is apparent to the spaths.
I would just like to say that you can meet spaths ANYWHERE. Yes you can meet them online, but I met mine in the flesh at a Bikers party. They are in all walks of life and can be found anywhere.
I had gone to a bikers party (as I had just bought a motorbike) and had been going to a regular meeting. They held a party, I attended and saw spath. He seemed a nice guy, he was talking to lots of people who seemed to know and like him. I didn’t think anything of it and forgot all about him. Then I went to another party about 6 months later and he was the first person I saw & he was on the door of the event. He seemed really happy to see me, I thought OOh I remember him, I like him and although because he was running the event he had to circulate, he came back to me regular to chat.
So, its not just online where there is danger
Good point I_survived…
Not just online. BUT: they ARE persistent.
They keep coming back for that one last word, depending upon the type of personality you are dealing with. Everyone is different. Each one reacts differently in personal attributes but basically the personality is the same: narcissistic and selfish to the point of destroying anyone else if their ‘need be’.
In my case it was an active pursuit online and of course, it’s very hard not to pay attention to someone who is paying such wonderful attention to you. OUR ‘association’ lasted just about nine years. You would THINK you could come to know someone after that long and a few visits…..right? WRONG.
Yes, this has left me with PTSD, severe depression and a very serious heart condition from the amount of stress I have been under the past five years. They never really go away. You can tell them and tell them and threaten them with legal action and yet, they will always feel justified in barging back into your life for that ‘one last thing’….one reason or another.
The only way to put an end to this torment is just to end it. Sever the ties. Absolutely NO communication and make it clear, when you end it that there is to be NO further contact nor communication and don’t let them make you feel sorry for them and ‘come to terms’ because the only terms there are is THEIR terms. The cycle will only keep going on and on if you ALLOW it to.
Don’t get hung up on the fact that wow: I have been had by a sociopath. Don’t get stuck on this level of awareness…move on to the next level….the healing phase and start grabbing life for YOUR LIFE because it doesn’t last long and this person who has supposedly RUINED your life didn’t really – YOU ARE LETTING THEM RUIN YOUR LIFE by staying stuck in this torment that nice people always seem to end up with.
We need to learn to adjust our values inside while not letting ourselves become hermits because of our experiences.
We need to cling to that hope that there IS good in life if we only look for it. As for me, I am looking and hope you all are as well. Our life is short and meant to be spent in peace, which is something I wish for all of you.
DUPED
Isn’t it weird how someone/something can happen out of the blue & you wonder ‘where did that come?” “why me?”
Life has been much calmer now since the 8 years after I threw the spath out. Then one day I’m walking back from the park with a friend and the (alcoholic bullying obnoxious) husband of one of the women who lives in my block, who I’ve never had reason to talk to before and have never interacted before, starts to shout at me, at the top of his voice calling me ‘f****** c****, commenting on the fact I walk with a stick & other stuff. I was stunned and very shaken as it brought back all the cr&p from the ex. I went up stairs & he continued shouting at me as he walked up the stairs, commenting on my personal life & my work situation etc. I went upstairs to the housing association secretary to complain. He had also abused the secretary’s wife and they advised me to write a letter to give to the committee.
About 15 mins later there was a knock at my door & he is standing there shouting about why had I gone to the secretary> I replied because of your abusive behaviour. My friend then started to make a comment and the idiot started having a go at him and tried to come into my flat. I managed to get him out and slammed the door! I felt very shaken, but also angry, I could feel all the anger from the spath coming back.
For a couple of months I was scared to come of my flat in case I met him, but then I was given a copy of the letter that he & his wife received from the association solicitors. basically they told him that not only had he & his wife broken their tenancy about allowing people to cause nuisnace and harassment to others, they had broken the one about harassing a disabled person and if there were any more occurrances, they would lose their tenancy & be evicted!!
It made me feel much safer and I was ablle to come out of the flat more easily. However I still see him and he tries to intimidate me, staring at me etc.
I’m new to posting, but not new to reading Lovefraud. I was wondering if anyone else had seen this type of behavior from their P.
When we first started dating, he professed love (on the second date), so I called it off knowing there was something very wrong. Of course he backtracked, apologized, blamed it on the drink he’d had, etc, and since he is a well respected doctor, I fell for his explanations, why would a pediatrician lie to me? Anyway, the specific behavior I am curious about is sometimes he would just start crying. For no apparent reason. We weren’t fighting or arguing, it just came out of nowhere, and he would always say the same thing ‘I’m REALLY trying!’ It was so bizarre to me I would just look at him and wait for him to tell me what it was he was ‘trying’, but his tears would dry, and he would move on like nothing happened.
Since reading this site and becoming educated on spaths, I’m wondering if the trying he was referring to was the attempt to keep his mask on. He is mid 50’s and I think lacking the energy it takes to keep up the fascade for any length of time.
Interested in the opinions of the others on this site! I’ve been NC for several months and I am feeling stronger each day. Still experience rage sometimes, however, when something triggers rememberance of the lying, lying and more lying. P would always tell me how compassionate I was, how he LOVED that about me. I forgave over and over and now I see what a violation of my boundaries he was performing.
Anyway, thanks for any input. 🙂
Dear KarmaChameleon,
Welcome to LF and glad you have decided to post…I can’t say as I have seen the guy I dated “cry” but he would sometimes get really pensive and say that “if we stay together I will hurt you” like he was warning me….but I think they do TRY to keep up a mask, and sometimes they let it slip and say something that is TRUE…
If this guy lied and lied and lied to you, it doesn’t matter really about anything else…he was TOXIC and not a person you want to be with. Liars are not all psychopaths, but all psychopaths are liars….but you don’t want either one. Good for you for going NC that’s the ticket to freedom!
Again, glad you posted!
Thanks for your welcome, I’ve been reading your posts for a couple of months. I am trying to look for warning signs for when I am ready to start dating again, I guess I am trying to understand some of the more bizarre behavior.
Since going NC, 4 accounts of mine have been hacked, most recently my bank account, so I joined Lifelock. I knew he was evil, but I am still stunned at the lengths he’ll go. I’m a single mom of a wonderful little boy with Aspergers. Perfect target, in other words. Oh, and my mother was a raging N, so I was ever so comfortable walking on eggshells. I’ve been NC with her for many years.
My friends are just now starting to believe me when I tell them how utterly creepy and disordered spath was. I guess it took the cyberstalking to prove to them I wasn’t just being dramatic, but really, unless you’ve experienced the depravity, you really can’t grasp it so I’ve tried not to be too hurt by their lack of understanding.
I read everything I can about spath and spath recovery. I suppose I was luckier than most, I was not in love with my spath, but I did spend 2 years in the cycle of luring, devalueing and discarding before having enough. I even allowed myself to try the ‘friends’ route, thats how delusional I still was. That’s when his mask completely fell and after much texting and flirting with me (as if he wanted to get back together) he invited me to come to his house and stay for Spring Break. With his girlfriend. Still takes my breath away when I think of it. The trauma bonds were strong even though I was not in love and its taken a toll on me for sure. Not sure what to make of this cyber stalking stuff.
Best wishes.
I’ve wanted to post my story for a while but am a little fearful. I would welcome feedback and honesty (and no judgement).
I met my now exboyfriend nearly 8 years ago at work. Initially I couldn’t believe my luck–a really attractive guy, seemed to have his life together with a good job, funny, we got along great, etc. We hung out, when on a date and he told me that he was also dating someone else. He explained he was polyamourous.
I resisted but found him to be irresistible. I had had only one serious relationship prior to this that had ended badly, and I convinced myself I was just having fun.
Long story short, he lied ALOT. About big things and small things. When I would call him out he would either hang up on me or threaten to break up with me. I held on and pleaded. I started seeing a therapist and even got him to attend. I thought these were issues we could work through.
I began having panic attacks and was confused by his behavior. As soon as we would work out one issue, there was a period of calm and them something else would come up. I always felt behind, struggling to keep up, to explain myself again and again. Somehow problems were because of me. I was stood up once and he said I got the plans wrong. I know that wasn’t the case but I started to doubt myself.
Then he started seeing someone else–again polyamory. I didn’t agree with his decision. We fought.
We finally broke up. As upset as I was I was also very relieved. I had been hiding the truth from my family and friends. I felt free.
Then he started coming around after nearly a year. Told me things were different, he missed me, wanted me in his life. I thought things were different and started seeing him again.
Then i find out that he got another woman pregnant. He didn’t tell me until the baby was born. By email. He told me it was a mistake, a one night stand gone really wrong. I reluctantly believed him.
A year later, the woman is pregnant again and he’s getting married. He told me it’s just for the kids, that he’s still planning to see other people, that we had a great relationship.
I blocked him, told him to leave me alone. That lasts for a few months and then something happens (work related or not) where we interact.
I want to move on and be with someone who is honest and can communicate and cares. i know the best thing is no contact. And that I am in a great position in that i am not married to him nor have any kids. Thank goodness.
But I can’t help but wonder–is he different now? Why does he want to marry this other person and have kids but we couldn’t move forward? Will he change? Is it me? How do I keep the boundaries in place? Am I stupid?
Dear steps, welcome to the site. I am glad to be the first person to read your post. I have been on here many years and have read many similar stories. I feel pretty certain in saying this guy sounds like a classic, card-carrying sociopath. To answer your questions…..no you are not stupid. And no, he won’t change. He will eventually tire of his latest conquest. He will never be monogamous, and he will never have integrity. People can change behaviors. But basic character doesn’t change. Run from this guy before he ruins your life.
However, now I want to talk about why it’s so difficult for you to let go.
Every time I share my thoughts and feelings on here, it is from the perspective of the latest lessons I’ve learned. What I’m learning with the latest guy I dated – who is also not right for me – is that the heart sometimes wants what the head knows is bad. In the beginning, you knew deep down you didn’t want a polyamorous relationship. I never have either. And yet, you compromised on this because the affection he gave you filled a deep need. You fell in love with someone you believed loved you, and you compromised your boundary. There is an element of denial involved when you did this, and it opened the door for more bad behaviors and more denial. He managed to excuse his cheating by telling you upfront that he does it. He called it “polyamorous”. This makes it sound somehow more palatable than what it is. Granted, there are some people who like that lifestyle, not that there’s anything wrong with that. But you are not one of them. I am saying this because I did the same thing many years ago. I met a narcissistic man who was a very powerful person. I felt like he saw who I was and cared for me very deeply and completely. He convinced me that my jealousy was a problem I needed to overcome. This was how he justified his cheating, by telling me I needed to work on my jealousy.
Now here’s the second part. Once the guy has his foot in the door, and he’s gotten you to compromise your boundaries from the start, it’s not a far stretch to justify his repeated bad behaviors. What happens is that you take on his belief system. You basically believe what he wants you to believe. Eventually, your own sense of boundaries, self-respect, and even your identity get stripped away. You don’t even know who you are or what you stand for anymore.
It took me YEARS (and I’m still learning) what I’m about, what I stand for, and what I will and will not tolerate from a man. I know I am monogamous. So I suspect the guy I recently dated is a bit of a player – his behaviors suggest that. So here’s the thing. I am extremely attracted to him. He has many great qualities. I would easily give my eye teeth and right arm if he could just be the man I want him to be. But………the behaviors say otherwise. So with great pain and disappointment, I am walking away, even though he contacted me today wanting another date. I still feel the longing and heartache. I have all the wishful thinking and what ifs. But I finally have the strength to walk away from a guy who is not a good fit for me. And he’s not 1/100th as bad as the guy you describe.
Listen to your head and not your heart, steps. Your heart will eventually catch up, but you will hurt for a while. You are fortunate to have no children with him. Get out now before you get in too deep.
This is all I have tonight – I dug pretty deep for it, and I’m really connecting to this right now. May we ALL find someone who treats us with the kindness and respect we deserve.
Steps – welcome to Lovefraud. And Stargazer – thank you for your wonderful response to Steps. You’ve said it all.