There are many reasons why being unwittingly involved with a sociopath often leads to anxiety and depression. Below is an edited excerpt from my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com) that discusses some of the relevant dynamics.
Chronic, Subtle Feelings That “Something’s Off”
A chronic, subtle sense of unease, anxiety, and feeling that something is “off” are classic symptoms of being in a relationship with a sociopath. These feelings became my constant companions while married to my ex-husband.
A Psychology Experiment
The Iowa Gambling Task is a classic study designed by neuroscientists at the University of Iowa. It demonstrates how you can sense that something is wrong and feel anxious without understanding what is making you feel that way.
In their study, subjects were given four decks of cards, play money, and instructions to draw cards from any of the four decks until they were told to stop. Each card in the deck triggered a payout or a loss of varying amounts. The decks were rigged so that two of the decks had positive expected payouts while the other two were downright punitive and would result in large losses for the participant.
Players’ anxiety and tension were measured via the electrical conductance of their skin, the same technique used in many lie-detector tests.
Knowing Without Knowing We Know
At first, a player’s choice of decks appeared random.
But soon, players experienced tension and anxiety while reaching for the decks with negative expected payouts. Players also started avoiding these decks long before they had a logical explanation for their choices, suggesting that your anxiety and tension can signal that something is legitimately wrong long before you realize it consciously or can offer some sort of explanation.
What do the results of this card experiment have to do with living with a sociopath?
A relationship with a sociopath is just like thinking you are drawing cards from a fair deck when, in fact, you are drawing cards from a deck that is stacked against you. You will feel anxious and on edge. Although participants in psychology experiments are debriefed so they understand what has actually transpired, in real life there is no guarantee that you will ever understand the root cause of your negative feelings. Without understanding the root cause, you may never remove yourself from the person or situation triggering the feelings, hence feeling anxious and on edge become chronic.
Let’s Make Up a New Experiment And Think About What Would Happen
Imagine if you were a participant in the study and were required to keep choosing from the punitive deck, not all the time but as frequently as you did from the nonpunitive decks. Your anxiety and tension would probably persist and even escalate. Imagine now that, due to heightened tension and anxiety, you ask to avoid these decks. When the experimenter asks why, you explain that certain decks seem associated with big losses.
Imagine if the experimenter appears to listen with great empathy and compassion (as a sociopath would) but then explains that the decks have been balanced carefully. If you perceive differences, it is just that you are unlucky early on in the study or that you are one of those people who is overly sensitive to negative feedback.
In fact, the experimenter is just like you; he had a similar impression when he went through the experiment himself, but almost no other player has made that comment. Further, it is important for you to continue, and the lead experimenter will not pay you for doing the study unless you complete it—although the assistant experimenter would be happy to help you out if he could.
Nothing’s Wrong—You’re Just Oversensitive
In light of the information that there’s no valid reason to be upset, and with your ego on the line to prove you’re not “overly sensitive,” you persist.
Several outcomes, none of them good, are now likely. Your anxiety and tension will probably persist and build as you take actions you sense, accurately, are contrary to your interests. As your anxiety mounts, maybe you will stop the experiment again and reiterate that you’re sure two of the decks are minefields and ask permission to avoid them. Again, the assistant offers (although he suggests he might get in trouble for it) to take the decks aside and check them. Maybe they got scrambled. You wait. He returns, assuring you that the decks are even. Again, maybe it is just randomness that made some decks appear more or less favorable than others.
Alternatively, maybe, as the assistant suggested earlier, you’re just overly sensitive to negative feedback. In fact, another experimenter is looking for people who consider themselves exceptionally sensitive and tend to “over react.” Maybe you would like to sign up for this study as well. Not wanting to appear unusually weak or overly sensitive, you persist with the experiment in spite of mounting anxiety every time you reach for the two punitive decks.
In Chronic “Fight or Flight” Mode Without Knowing Why
In this scenario, you’re in a subtle, but constant, “fight or flight” mode, because you are in a negative situation. But since someone you trust, someone who seems to show considerable empathy for you, is telling you that you’re misreading the situation, you don’t leave.
If this is truly just an experiment that takes a half-hour, no long-term damage is likely. But living with a sociopath is like being stuck in a rigged experiment that never ends. Being in fight or flight mode is great if you’re trying to outrun a nasty dog. Living in fight or flight mode constantly is profoundly unhealthy—both physically and emotionally. In addition, having someone you trust continually contradict your perceptions and undermine your decisions is intellectually and emotionally corrosive. As your perceptions and reasoning are discounted, not only do you experience ongoing anxiety, you have less confidence in your ability to perceive and assess the friendliness or hostility of your environment. Over time, your self-confidence and self-esteem take a hit. Your hard-wired fight or flight mechanism, crafted over millions of years of evolution to signal danger, is dampened.
Learned Helplessness and Depression
There are other potential outcomes to this experiment we’ve created.
Choosing not to feel constant anxiety and having all your efforts to understand what is going on fail, you might continue to go through the motions but give up emotionally as you realize you can’t do anything to control a situation you perceive as negative.
This sounds a lot like “learned helplessness,” a term introduced by psychologists Steven F. Maier and Martin Seligman. Learned helplessness is linked with depression. To avoid expending energy in an unwinnable situation, it might be best to just resign yourself to your unpleasant fate—to give up, to not care, to disconnect.
Depression Hangs Around
The problem is that once you learn that it’s futile to try, this is hard to unlearn. As a result, after being eroded by a sociopath, you may not attempt to exert effort to advance your interests in future situations, even when the situation is different and new efforts are likely to yield positive results. Being in an environment for an extended time in which the connection between effort and results is severed can change you, leaving you chronically depressed.
Inner Strength
As these are only some of the toxic and corrosive dynamics inherent to many relationships with sociopaths, is it any wonder that the majority of people involved in a long-term relationship with a sociopath become depressed or anxious even in the absence of physical abuse?
I think it is testament to the inner strength of those targeted by sociopaths that we recover from this at all. But, thankfully, with time, a change of environment (preferably “no contact” with the sociopath), and the right help and support many of us can and do—but it doesn’t happen overnight. As I was unwittingly married to a sociopath for almost twenty years, my healing process has been long and ongoing—but it is happening.
Best wishes for getting these toxic people out of your life and moving onward.
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
‘Red Flags of Love Fraud’ now in Spanish: ‘Alertas Rojas de Estafa Amorosa’
Thanks Slim.
This morning, I removed him from my contacts and archived him on Hangouts. This is so as to no longer see his name, his image, him. It’s a Christmas gift I give myself.
I know in order to love anew, I must completely bind his power over me. The love I seek is my own love, for myself.
I can’t tell you how much better it makes me feel to talk about it with people who have been through it. As I said, my therapist is amazing, however, she is in a healthy marriage. While she gives me tools and advice, knowing that I am not alone, not the only victim blinded by what I would normally perceive as love makes me realize even further that it’s not me; it’s HIM. The me part is simply a lack of self love. We’ve all been there, and our words to one another are inherently necessary.
Thank you for your thoughts. I carry them inside of me as I heal. They fill that space once occupied and now abandoned by a complete and total whack job.
Merry Christmas,
Much love,
Dee
I fully agree Dee. Never, ever thought I would find myself on a blog, about relationships – and getting SO much support from it. Hang on in there and I will try to do the same
Good for you Dee! I did the same. Blocked everything. I also got rid of everything he had ever given me. I had to. It took that much cleaning to help me get back to myself. Not that he was overly generous or anything like that. But I didn’t want to keep stumbling over little things in my home that were a reminder of him.
The results of these kinds of actions are not generally very immediate. But they are necessary if we are to even begin to walk down the path of healing. I had to make a TOTAL commitment to my own life. 100%. It sounds weird, and felt so weird after over focusing on someone else for so long (I had had multiple friendships and relationships with disordered people).
Initially I continued to feel anxious and high strung. Then I dropped into depression and ‘boredom’. Everything felt SO flat, drab and uninteresting. I think our bodies are so strung out on adrenaline and other neurotransmitters that once we start to ‘come down’ we can totally crash.
I wasn’t ‘just’ recovering from this 9 month entanglement. I was recovering from a life of disordered people. I had to remember that. So do you, it sounds like. That is a good thing to remember when you feel like your progress isn’t ‘fast enough’. It is so true if our ship has been sailing along, with all that heavy baggage, and in the same direction for a lifetime….well it isn’t going to simply turn on a dime just because we start to turn the steering wheel.
I also went to therapy. We didn’t talk a lot about malignant narcissism, but some. Mostly I felt safe with my therapist, and she helped me manage my feelings and choices. She helped with medications. This website was THE most validating place for me, and I have made some supportive connections here.
It is as you point out about self-love, self respect. Simply asking ourselves, with deep honesty, is this REALLY what I want? Do I want to be anxious, abused, disrespected, and manipulated? Is this really what I want for my brief life? And if the answers are NO! then the only option is to assert firm boundaries to protect ourselves, and to keep other folks from just being themselves ‘on’ us. I know these sorts know what they are up to. I know they can change their strategies when it suits the situation to do so, and they will reap the benefits they think they are entitled to. But, overall, I don’t think they can really STOP being sociopaths.
This is super important to remember. There is NO changing them. EVER. Only our decisions can change. It is powerful if we stop long enough to consider that we can change our lives, our direction. We can help abusers stop abusing us by leaving them. By never speaking or interacting with them again. They cannot help us with this process. They don’t want to help us.
Merry Christmas to you too Dee…..
Death Slim.
Thank you for sharing your words with me on Christmas. To know you are out there and that you understand how I feel and why I was so compelled to seek out impossible relationshipso is the best gift I’ve received today. Sometimes I feel so alone, and yet I feel that’s all I can do to protect myself. I eased my 7 year old grandson, today, what I should do in regards to my immense attachment to my family, as it seems like my daughter is my only friend (a friend who sees me completely differently than I really am, a friend who has no clue what it’s like to be raised by a narcissist, you can imagine the perception), and he said, “Maybe you should make a new friend, Gramma. Indeed, I should, yet I trust no one and prefer my solitude at this point.
Nevertheless, I’m just so glad you are there, taking the time to talk to me. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be understood.
You’re right about antisocials being unable to change. I just want to change me, so I’m not out there thinking I deserve no better and that if I stay, I will have proven myself worthy. Thank the spiritual being for therapy and people like you who take the time on Christmas, no less, to share your wisdom, your story, your tools. Your comment on turning on a dimension reminds me of Titanic. It’s gonna take a lot of time and work to do a 180, especially if our ship is full of fools.
Thank you for being here, Slim.
Blessings,
Dee
Christmas is such a hard time. Thinking of you – stay strong. X
O.N.Ward,
Your words are powerful medicine and direction. Brilliant.
Hi Slimone:
Thanks for your kind words. I lost so much of my life to a sociopath that I want something positive to come from all that wasted time and all that pain and erosion. If I can save someone else from traveling the same path or accelerate their healing even a little bit, I feel grateful that something so negative I experienced can be turned into something positive for someone else.
Clearly, by sharing your story and the wonderful advice you give, you are making a difference to others who have had their lives intertwined with a sociopath.
Wishing you health, continued healing and a bright 2016.
O.N.Ward
EricA, First off don’t let anyone diminish the validity, or the degree, of the pain you felt during your experience with your guy. Part of the reason that people can end up in these sort of relationships is because of a history of having been forced to dismiss our hurt because of messages – either direct or indirect that “tell” us that our feelings are irrelevant. The way I always viewed it, was that his wife has her version of a painful story, and I have mine. Had we BOTH been in rational and emotionally healthy states, he wouldn’t have had either one of us in his web of deception. And that is the world he creates. It’s all a game and I believe absolutely everyone in his life is just a puppet to him. If they don’t play his game, he simply writes them out of the script. Even his own children. Anyone who doesn’t want to play by his rules is subject to his “punishment”.
Anyway, I was three months into it with him when I discovered he was married. He’d lied about everything in his life, even his name. It was purely by “gut feeling” and some savvy internet research that I smoked him out. My first question: “why didn’t you tell me you were married?” Answer: “Because I knew, if you knew, you would never give me a chance”. And this is true. I had never, and would never, knowingly get involved with another woman’s man. There is no “win” in that for me and I don’t live a life of deceit. If anything I am honest to a fault. Which gave him plenty of material to say exactly what I needed to hear to stay involved with him. Oh yes, his marriage was awful, they were like strangers living in the same house, all they did was fight (I have no doubt that was true),they’re only together for the sake of the kids,and on and on. Looking back, he took all of the things I had said about my own marriage and divorce and simply adapted them to his story.
Of course I gushed with empathy and understanding…at first. But because an affair is not in my character, eventually I started pulling away. The loneliness of the many days I wished that we could be together, but knowing that he was with “her” was unbearable. He kept me on the string for a while longer with loads of empty promises, “just a little longer”, “her (wife’s)grandmother is on her last leg, and there will be a settlement, she can take her inheritance and we’ll go our separate ways”, “I NEED you to help me be a better person” (as if admitting that his wrongdoing was grieving him and he wanted to be in a “right” relationship…with me), and my favorite, “my plan is to be with you…down the road”. Oh, he had a plan alright, but it was never to be with me.
A year went by. Out of the blue called to tell me that he was divorcing. I ignored the part about his wife serving the divorce papers to him on the first day he was sentenced to three months in jail for domestic abuse. Well of course he finally blew up at her considering how awful she, and the marriage were. He assured me that “things are changing, and everything will be fine now”. It was three months before I saw him in person. I wanted to see him immediately but he always found excuses to avoid it. Of course I was getting all of the sob stories of what had transpired over the past year that we were out of touch. And of course I wanted to believe him. He was going to really be free, it was the chance for the real relationship with him that I had always dreamed of. As time passed and he kept finding excuses not to see me, I finally just went to his house. I needed to know what was real. I was tired of finding myself again being held by empty promises. Seeing him only sealed the deal for me. Looking back, if I had never gone there, things might have been different. I might have stayed away for good as it became apparent that his actions were never going to match his promises. But I didn’t and we went through a couple of years with me not seeing him any more than I had when he was married. In fact, one of my friends finally said, “you know, he’s actually treating you exactly the way he did when you were his mistress. It’s as if that’s all he wants with you is as a mistress”.
And that really is what it amounts to. When all is said and done, I’d been involved one way or another with him for six years and never, ever, in that time did I have anything that looked like a real relationship with him. There’s so much more to this story, I believe I could write a book. The ongoing lies and distortions of the truth. All the ways he made me feel like it was my fault that things between us weren’t different or better. And the day finally came when I “realized” that, based on the things he had said about me, I was never going to be “good enough” for him. The damage through time is that he had me feeling as if I really weren’t good enough…for him or anybody else. But I am smart enough to cut through the emotional pain of losing “the dream” with him, to know that’s untrue. I’m a single mom, with a career, good kids, I own a house, my bills get paid, I don’t have drama with my ex, my friends, coworkers, nothing. He was the only toxic thing in my life.
And he remains a source of toxicity as he’s continued to pop in and out of my life. Through the years he got into my very core with his manipulation. I believe that I will always love him – the time we spent together was good, and I always felt safe when we were together, and in the moment it seemed very real – to me anyway. But he really has been like an addiction for me. I can totally see how he set me up to react that way. But, like any addiction, knowing that something is bad for you, doesn’t make you desire it any less. In fact withholding it can just make you want it even more.
Anyway, EricA, I know the pain you suffered as the “other” woman and it is a different story than that of the spouse of the sociopath. I know the manipulation, the depth of the loneliness, the hope, the waiting, and the relentless pain of not being with the man who claims he loves you above all others. I always envied his wife and hated her with a passion because of my jealousy. Thought what a fool she was not to appreciate the wonderful man she had. She was with him everyday. She HAD everything I wanted and yet, because she was such a beast, she ruined what she had. HOW could she not see what an amazing man she had. Well…because after 15 years of marriage she knew all the things about him that I didn’t. Whether she ever put a label on it, she knew what he really was.
I often wish that I could talk to his ex, because I imagine that she feels the same way I do. Trying to understand the “why” of it all. How a person you thought you knew was really a complete fake. I remember when spath was telling me the stories about the events that led up to his divorce (part of it being the discovery of his infidelity) and he said his wife said, “WHO are you? I’ve lived with you all of these years and it’s like you’re a complete stranger, like I never knew you at all”. See, it doesn’t matter what the relationship, I think her statement sums it up for all of us who find ourselves involved with a spath.
And the sad thing is, I still miss the man I thought he was. I would like to have THAT man in my life. But I believe that if he were capable of being THAT man, I wouldn’t have ever known him at all. Because if he were capable of being a faithful, honest, caring, empathetic man then he would have had a healthy marriage. He would not have been out deceiving women, such as myself, into relationships that he knew were never real. And I use the plural here because I am confident that I was never the only one. In the time following the divorce, when he no longer had reason to hide anything, the fact that he did still find reasons to hide me from his life, and avoid a true relationship, just assures me that he was operating in a pattern of behavior that existed not just as a result of his marriage – but it is the very pattern of his life. One woman will never be enough for him because his script requires multiple women to remain interesting…or perhaps just to assure himself that he is manly, desirable, and powerful.
Erica,& Love,Lies,Bleeding,
In a way arent we all the OTHER Women ? Did any of us know that we were sharing our lying cheating sociopaths with at least one woman. Werent we all shocked to find out there was one woman ? And then werent we all devastated to find out that the creaps had a gaggle of women, and multiple classified ads, and porn sites visited daily. How do we really know who came first me, you, the classified tramps, or an unsuspecting person that was told in the beginning that he was not married. You both are brave women to share your stories. These threads are covered with the blood and guts of many who have been ripped apart body and soul. the first time mine walked out on me never to return it was two years ago and it was the same Woman. She may not have known the first time but she definately knew what she was doing this time. I hated her. I spoke ugly of her. I wished her the largest hemorroids known to man.
Now Im thinking. what has he told her about me ? why the attraction for a man living with someone else. why would she do this to me. she knows me. Why would she do this to herself ?
Its because of this site I know now that she has been duped also. he has mesmerized her with all his horror stories about me, and all the love bombing that she is complely under the spell.
Sometimes I think i should call her and have a heart to heart talk. let her know what prize she has really won.
But then my evil twin wont let me. i believe she is a bigger sociopath than he is and they will devour one another. they both will reap what they have sown as time has a way of dealing with bad people. Let her be on the recieving end of what Im living through. (They are rushing to get married.)she thinks that will assure her of ever lasting love, and then he cannot return again to me. all I can say is good luck.
So whenever her time comes and she finds herself on this site, i will try to be as kind as i can be. i will be kind because the pain we all share here is horrific. Even she does not deserve this kind of pain.
this is a wonderful forum. I have learned so much. I used to be on here 3-4 x’s everyday and a couple times a night. i litteraly could not breathe. I thought i was dying. hell dying would have been a blessing. Now I am here when i can get here. I know where to go when im floundering. its been 6 weeks of NC. I have not seen or spoken the Ass in 6 whole weeks ! Ive even smiled a couple of times today. Still got the 3:00 AM panic attacks but hell I am sleeping better now than i have in the last 6 months when he was still here.
Merry Christmas Every one.
Very good point about all of us being the other women. Interesting way of looking at it. Mine might have for public view been engaged to me…but had “others” to fill his sick ego.
Ah love lies
DONT WE ALL WISH WE HAD “THAT” MAN. I KNOW THAT I DO. “THAT MAN” WAS THE SUN THE MOON AND THE STARS. I STILL WANT THAT MAN. i dont know who that shell of a human being my ex is. Who ever it is does not deserve one minute more of my energy. if i had known this man for 10 minutes (before) i would have never wasted 5 years and most of my financial resources, on him. This man is what was left when the Aliens took the most wonderful guy in the world and replaced him with a soul sucking succubus. I am looking forward to meeting THAT man some day hopefully. The real “THAT” man not a body double
Dear Love,
Wow. Seriously, it’s like hearing someone else tell my story.
First, I am so sorry you road that roller-coaster for so long
I’m glad I left Oregon and returned to Nevada. I can assure you, I would have continued my great American love affair (as I used to refer to it as, that passion, those moments, “she” is the one who’s really suffering the brunt of his behavior, “she’s” the one he’s cheating on.) And no, I was not the only one; he was a manager in my office, I was in sales, “she” was a trainer. Oh, the dichotomy. Al was investigated for sexual misconduct and abusing his authority. I was interviewed, she was interviewed, he was subsequently fired. She remained with him, moving together to a larger place for the baby they had had only 5 months prior. I stayed, too. I hate myself for continuing the affair. I often wonder if she hates herself, too.
I have been jealous of her, the baby, the “them”, but then logic set in and I realized I was very fortunate to not be her. I have watched her accept the insane excuses he plead, in fact, and this is huge, and it may seem like I did it for me, but I didn’t; I did it for her…
My roommate found AL on a match making site and pointed it out to me with great trepidation. My response: I chuckled; so typical, I thought. I knew he was a sosh and was, am sure that the dating site thing is ancillary to his sociopathy. My next move: I emailed the link to his profile to her, anonymously. I found out later from her best friend that he told babymama someone had used his Facebook profile picture, that it was most certainly not his doing. Did she buy it? Either she did, continuing to live in the shadow of his illusion, or she simply accepts that he is a cad. I want babymama to take their daughter and run for the hills; not for me, I’m a thousand miles away from him, but for her and her daughter.
Anyway, I still think about him all the time. Yes, addiction. Sweet nectar of temporary leave of the real world. I basically got the good parts of his personality. I’m sorry for her, I am. He stung me right from the get and every time I tried to walk away, he would say, “Are you sure you wanna walk away?” Staring at me with that sociopathic glare, kissing me hard, promising me forever. Sweet nectar.
My knowledge is my power, my strength my weapon.
My friends on Lovefraud.com are my saviours, there, reminding me not to pick up the phone.
Please know, with me you have reciprocity, ah reciprocity, something we never got from them…
Dee
Thank you. Oh, how they love to string you along. No contact is the only way but, like you, I still have feelings of love. My new coping strategy is when I am thinking of him I say to myself, “Wish you were here but you can’t be because the you I loved never really existed.” Love to you all in the New Year!
Emtuoba – Your first few sentences are brilliant and so true. There is never one woman, only “other” women.
Thank you for sharing your wrath. I shamelessly enjoyed every word you said because, like you, I always took the high road in the end rather than choose to add more hurt to the situation. But I have felt the wrath inside me. There was a point in time, early on, that everything in me wanted to go to his spouse and tell her about her husband’s dirty little secret. The pain and frustration of it all would boil up inside me and I wanted everyone to hurt like I did. But I didn’t for two reasons. One, it would have ended my relationship with spath for good. I knew he would hate me for it – and I was too afraid of that happening. The thought of “what if he really were free someday…” prevented me from closing the door on possibility. The other reason; because married women usually misdirect their anger in these situations. The first target is usually the other woman, not their lying, cheating spouse. Putting myself in the crosshairs of her rage if I came forward wasn’t in anyone’s interest.
So I walked away from it all. Told spath, “you have a wife and whether you think so or not, you have a relationship that you need to deal with and resolve. If your situation ever changes, let me know and maybe we can wipe the slate clean and start new”. Well, “careful what you wish for” with that one I guess, because that’s exactly what he did. Came running right back to me when his wife was leaving him. And whatever sickness existed in his marital relationship, he just carried right into my life. Because he was the sickness. He is at his “best” when everyone around him is broken. Then he doesn’t have to feel bad about his own brokenness. Destroying those around him gives him the illusion that he is not as bad as he appears to be.
Make no mistake, he has awareness of the devastation he leaves in his wake. He made the statement once, with a dramatic sigh, “we only hurt the people we love…”. In the context of the conversation at that time, I took that as sort of an apology for the pain he knew he had caused me. That he had hurt me and put me through so much, because he loved me and couldn’t let me go. That maybe he was sorry. Now I know that it was simply a statement of the ugly truth. Whether or not he knew why he did it, he was fully aware that he hurt people who tried to love him. His mother, his wife, me, the others. Anyone who tried to love him, or tried to “get too close”, those are the ones who were going to suffer at his hands.
I think that’s why I often thought he really could get better if he really wanted to. Because through time I realized that he was completely aware of his games and his manipulations and the consequences of his actions. So I often thought of him in the same way I would view an alcoholic or a drug addict. Addicts can get better, if they are really determined to do so. They are aware of their problem and can make a choice to fight it. I always believed he knew he had a choice. Finding this site was the first time I ever really embraced the idea that I was wrong. He doesn’t have a choice. He’s a destructive force that simply exists. No different than any other destructive force of nature, such as a tornado, or a disease, or a hungry lion. This is what he was created to be and all we can do is try to protect ourselves. But unfortunately, no different than a tornado, or a disease, or a hungry lion – by the time you see it, it’s probably already too late.
I didn’t know about these kind of people either. I believed every lie no matter how rediculous. I really believed in him. I loved him more than anything in the world. I alienated everyone to be what ever I could be for him. I couldn’t breathe without him. Now I know. Now I know I loved a fictitious character. Now I know the truth behind all the lies. One thing is certain. We here have all loved the same heartless demon. The names and locations are all different but the stories are almost identical. I am shocked to find out that these people exist. I’m shocked that the most wonderful man in the world is actually diabolical.
This site has saved me. These people here comfort me and amaze me with their strength and honesty. They say when the student is ready the teacher will come. Guess I’m ready. Still one day at a time but it’s 6 weeks already. Woo hoo !
Just a late thought on this:
someone who would accept that much sacrifice from you, including alienating everyone else around you and changing for him — that sort of person isn’t really wonderful. They’re using charm to get what they want and distract from all they’re taking away from you. Someone who is truly wonderful won’t want to take so much from you.
I have had two serious experiences with psychopaths, each at different periods in my life. Although the red flags and behaviors were similar overall, they each had their catered masks and tactics they used on me. I learn and process things through visual imagery best. When I take a step back and visualize psychopaths based on my experience with them, I picture an empty shell, a vessel, sometimes I visualize a bottom- feeder like a lobster who doesn’t discriminate – he will feast on filet mignon, garbage and/or a razor blade. They are like snakes hiding in the grass, slithering through quietly, observing/studying their prey carefully. They ask lots of questions to see what makes you tick, what angle will work best on you. They test your boundaries and reactions. I have no doubt they repeat phrases intentionally to brainwash you into Creating an image in your mind of who they are based on their words and behaving the way they want you to behave. Like a snake, they shed their skin and put on new “masks” custom-tailored just for their victim(s). They feed on their victims energy and emotions (be they positive or negative, doesn’t matter as long as they see you care).
It didn’t take long for the first one to drop his mask with me. The pathological lies got so bad by the end I still ask myself how I sat there and listened to them. He love-bombed me, told me I was beautiful all the time, was an amazing wordsmith promising away the future. As soon as he knew he had me hooked, he slowly pulled away and gave me crumbs of attention, the silent treatment, would disappear for days. He conditioned me by saying I made “big deals out of little things” and that “trust was so important to him” so that I would stop arguing with him about his Houdini acts and give him my blind trust (that way he provided a distraction so he didn’t have to work to earn my trust). After three years, I found out one day that he actually had a fiancé the entire time we were dating. She and I eventually spoke and she admitted he had lied to her and treated her poorly, but when she started slipping away he always knew just how to reel her back in. She too had uncovered his lies, discovered his online dating profiles. What qualities did I have that made me vulnerable to his manipulation? I am very open-minded and accepting of all different types of people. I’m incredibly forgiving and he took that to mean he could selfishly walk all over me. I looked him up several years later and found that he had married the fiancé. Some small voice in my head wondered if he had changed. Then, out of the blue he e-mailed me asking me how I was doing, trying to test the waters. I listened to my gut and it told me nothing had changed. If he went behind her back before, he will do it again, here he was doing it years later. Past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior. We are all “the other woman” ”“ one person, no matter how amazing, how giving, will never be enough for him. It has been so hard to wrap my head around these concepts since it is so foreign to the way I think. He will be on the hunt for vulnerable prey (young, naïve, recently widowed, etc.), “just for kicks” prey (maybe someone they meet out at a bar who seems lonely), online prey (dating sites), former prey”. the list goes on.
My second experience with a psychopath was different and made me realize there were types of prey I didn’t even think of” the more challenging prey (i.e. happily married women). I was and still am happily married. A year and a half ago, he managed to infiltrate his way into my life donning a mask of friendship. He performed the classic pity-play for about six months: made me feel bad for him because he had gone through in his words “such a horrible divorce ”“ my wife cheated on me”. He was so lonely and wished he could meet someone nice that he could trust. He said he trusted me like a friend which was “so rare for him” so I felt obligated to help this “poor soul”. Before I could really get to know him, I introduced him to one of my single childhood friends in hopes they might hit it off. Long story short, he love bombed my friend, moved things really fast, and the plot turns – a month after he started dating her (seven months into my friendship with him) he confessed he had feelings for me which threw me for a real loop . Meanwhile, behind my back he had managed to turn my friend against me by slowly feeding her false information saying I was going after him making him feel uncomfortable saying inappropriate things to him. I was able to sit down face to face with my former friend in person, who was very defensive of him and his lies (I mean his side) The realization that he had calculatedly planned this all out was incredibly hurtful.
This site, and other sites have been my saving grace to maintain “no contact” as there were so many times anger, sadness, rage took over and I was upset for being taken advantage of. They are calculated and know exactly what they are doing. They get pleasure out of seeing our reactions to the pain they inflict on us. It all stems from their constant boredom and their jealousy for those people that are foreign to their way of thinking: those that are empathetic, who can truly feel love. The survivors on this website, the warriors really, how could he be truly happy all the sudden, with someone new? He can’t, things don’t change drastically overnight. Why would he feel the need to go out of his way to be sure to post pictures of new targets or tell you how happy he is? That is triangulation and it is a deliberate attempt to make you, one of many former targets, jealous.
At the end of the day a snake is a snake so he can’t help but eventually bite his prey, it’s inevitable. You can put your all into trying to help save a snake, but the snake will still bite you. Each time he bites the wound will go deeper only to develop a stronger “trauma bond” ”“ our power is to love ourselves and to remove ourselves from the equation, the triangles, the drama. Peace to everyone – keep up with no contact and if you ever doubt it, come to this site 🙂
Dear OneDay,
Such as beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. Three things really resonated with me.
Number one, we certainly are all the other woman. God, his wife, she knew when they were simply engaged. For her, or him, I guess, there will always be other women. I remember how much the babymama hated me (but not him…AT ALL!?!), which brings me to number two; Al was conspicuously on a dating website site, as well, while the babymama was pregnant. She was made aware and believed his excuse, nevertheless, I often read of this. It’s amazing how similar they all are. I chuckle and snort when I pause for a moment and think, “Jesus, are we all dating the same man?” And number three, he was calculating when dealing with you and your friend. Yall were his pawns in the game he plays, perpetually. Like pieces on a chess board. This, too, totally gets me. Everything and everyone is a game to them, and boy are they sharp as a whip, keeping up with all of it !
I have learned that what they consider weaknesses in our character, these are the things that make us beautiful souls. We simply have to be as keenly aware of the behaviours of others as they are.
Blessed be, love.
Dee
Dear O.N. Ward, I wanted to say thank you so much for your book. I read your book a month ago and I’ve been wanting to say thanks in an anonymous way, and just stumbled across your article here. You have helped me tremendously because I also met my ex sociopath in a top university, and his mask was also of the “highly successful pillar of the community”. It took me a long time to figure out what he was due to his outward success. But everything you wrote was right on point for my relationship with him and it lifted a huge, huge boulder off of my chest. Thank you so much for your wonderful effort at putting the abuse into words. Happy holidays and best wishes.
Dear deangel
So glad you found the book helpful. I was driven to understand what had happened to me and why it had happened. That was a key first step in recovering from the experience (a long-term process for me). Also, I desperately wanted to share what I had learned in the hope that it could help someone else.
Not knowing how prevalent these vultures are makes us all vulnerable. Not knowing how good they are at what they do makes us all susceptible and is a part of the unproductive “blame the victim” mentality so prevalent in our society.
We were not naïve, weak, stupid, paranoid, over sensitive, etc.—we were deliberated manipulated and eroded by master puppeteers who are fueled by our negative emotions (hence they work hard to keep triggering them) and who find satisfaction in our destruction (hence they take deliberate action to achieve than end.) Their crazy-making denial that any of this is happening is another manipulative ploy to undermine our self-confidence.
Almost anyone can be victimized by a sociopath, if not properly forearmed.
Wishing you all the best for a positive, bright 2016!
O.N.Ward
Onward
Book? What book ? Me too ! Where do I find the book ? I’m on a roll. I wants keep rolling. 😳
Hi emtuoba–
The book is Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com). It’s about my 20-year relationship with a sociopath (my ex-husband), and how I finally learned what was really happening –not just what he was doing, but the psychological dynamics behind how sociopaths manipulate and erode, why it works and how smart, normal, capable people get trapped in these very toxic relationships.
I tried to download the link into this note, but I don’t think it worked. If you go to the original post above, the link is in the first paragraph–just click on the red text– or you can go to Amazon.com and type in the first words of the title.
Wising you all the best,
O.N.Ward
O.N Ward
I bought your book. started reading it after work last night. it is so well written. your opening poem was terriffic. Im going to enjoy your book. Thank you so much for sharing the info with me.
i woke up again as i do everynight in a panic attack. last night it was 2:00 am instead of the coustomary 3:00-3:30. I cant breathe, my heart races and i am in pain. i go over in my head all the money her owes me. the tuck that is in my name that he contiues to drive etc. I cannot go back to sleep. I am afraid to anger him but I want him to refinance the truck. or sell it or put it in his name. I am so screwed here if i have to repo it and have it go against my credit. ive been doing so good during the day time hours. people at work have mentioned that i am almost back to my old self. its the troubled sleep. its all the unresolved issues. its the fear of him, and financial ruin he has gotten me into. i dont know what to do. any ideas about this part of the process.i want him gone so bad. i never want to see or speak to him again. the NC part seems to be easier this time. last time i almost died. i had no idea what kind of person i was dealing with. i am so unhappy today. i feel i am loosing ground again. we had horrible tornados in my area last night and some of my staff have been gravely affected. im already compromised because of the lying cheating no good, one celled slimy, bottom feeder, and now my friends have lost their homes.
got any ideas ?
Hi emtuoba-
I hope you find this comment. I could not directly respond to your note from today.
So sorry you are going through this. It is terrifying, exhausting, and horrible. No one deserves it.
I also slept terribly for a long time–waking up between 1:00am – 3:00am in panic and not being able to get back to sleep at all. It took me awhile to realize that I had truly been in an abusive relationship and the past abuse and the present fear being instilled in me by my now ex-husband had led to PTSD. For me, getting a good therapist (who understood abusive relationships and PTSD) and getting help sleeping were critical. For a long time, I’d refused to take anything to help me sleep, but I finally changed my tune and decided getting sleep and staying safe (moving, alarm system for the house, etc.) had to be my number one priorities (as well as making sure my child was physically and emotionally safe). For me, getting sleep at least changed my mindset from feeling totally terrified and overwhelmed, to being scared, but thinking I could move slowly forward—dealing with one piece of one problem at a time.
Everyone’s journey is different, so I don’t want to advise, but to share what I experienced. It sounds odd, but I learned to accept the horrible days and not fight them. Perhaps I did this because fighting against it only made it even worse for me. Perhaps I did this because a tiny, tiny piece of me had a spark of faith that the next day might bring relief, and if not the next day, the day after that or the day after that. It will happen.
Your only job when everything feels dark and overwhelming is to keep breathing”to hang on through the really bad days and to find people and places that make you feel safe and supported. Some people find solace in their faith, some find medication critical to help them through this terrible experience, others find other paths.
I hope you are able to find what works best for you. Remember, you are not alone. People on this site and other places understand and care.
Hi ON Ward, thanks so much for your reply. I also was very driven to understand what happened and why. Thanks for having had the courage to speak your truth for the rest of us ”“ especially the survivors whose abusers are outwardly successful at a top university, as such a mask makes the cognitive dissonance even harder. But I know what my ex is now because his behavior matches what’s been described by survivors from all walks of life ”“ especially your book, which helped me understand that I am not the only one who met a sociopath with this specific kind of mask.
No, I don’t think it has anything to do with being naïve or stupid ”“ even John Steinbeck, a Nobel Prize laureate, had his second marriage to a woman whose behavior matches that of a sociopath (he wrote East of Eden and based the wife of the main character on his own wife ”“ in the book it takes the main character 7 years to recover, and his story is an exact match for stories of sociopath survivors ”“ including all the “tracking down” in the effort to understand what happened). TS Eliot, another Nobel Prize laureate, had a wife whose own mother described her to have “moral insanity”, which was the phrase for psychopathy back then.
I think this is an issue that many of us struggle with ”“ I believe communication is improving due to the internet and it’s something that will continue to improve in the years to come. That’s why I think your book is so crucial, as are all books in which survivors tell their truths from every walk of life. Thanks so much and happy 2016!
Emtuoba – So sorry to hear of the situation around you and the losses. I grew up in an area that was prone to tornadoes and the destruction can be mind-blowing. This may sound strange, but since you are now surrounded by others who are suffering material losses and forced to rebuild, maybe some strength and inspiration will come to you as well. I doubt that you will ever recover the money that your spath owes you – not unless he were to offer it back as a means to come back into your life. Some scheme he has in mind. This is only my opinion, but it may be time to just cut your losses and let go of that money. Accept that it is gone. I know that stinks, it’s unfair, there’s no justice in it, but how long can you let the money be more important than your sanity and health? And who knows, maybe he would try to creep back using the offer of the money. In which case you could literally take the money and run.
As for the truck, I see your concerns about the potential to damage your credit. I am no financial expert, but I was asking myself what I would do in a similar situation. I’m curious, is his name on the truck as well or is it just yours? Depending on the answer to that, then I’m also curious why you’re afraid of making him angry? Are you concerned that he will try to harm you physically?
So strange about the sleeplessness. I would also wake between 3-3:30 a.m. with my mind churning. What is it about 3 a.m.? Lol. This may sound silly, but I would lie on my back and place my hands over my heart. I found this calmed the pain (and I am talking literal pain) I felt in my heart. Then I would try to block out all thoughts other than imagining God busy balancing all the world around me to lead me out of my dark place. I would whisper to God exactly what I would like my life to be like going forward and ask Him to bring the right people and things into my life to help show me the way. I also asked for the strength to stay peaceful and AWARE so that I would recognize those things when they arrived – and no be so buried in hurt and anger that I couldn’t see.
I just kept trusting that if I asked God to show me a new plan for my life, a GOOD and healthy plan, then slowly he would guide me down that path. As I had mentioned before, my spath has popped in and out of my life. Every time he makes an appearance it’s like someone dropping an emotional bomb and I have to pick up the pieces ALL over again. I actually got to a point that rather than wake up in the middle of the night and going through this little ritual with God, I now just do this when I go to bed. Like a child saying their bedtime prayers I guess, or even if the real power here is just me talking to myself and stating my intentions – either way – I seem to sleep just fine these days no matter how stirred up my thoughts through the day may have been.
And better things are coming into my life because I AM seeing them for a change. Good things may have always been there but I would not release myself from my sick thoughts in order to give anything else the space to grow. Completely releasing those thoughts is going to take time, but I have many more days free from thinking about the aftermath of spath than I ever used to. When I do have bad days and feel broken, I just accept it, come here and read for a while, and the dose of reality is usually the only medicine I need to snap out of it. I don’t often post, but I was feeling EricA’s pain in this thread and that brought me into the conversation for a while.
My thoughts are with you too Emtuoba. One day at a time.
I woke again this am 3:15 in full panic attack. I’m so tired of him sucking the joy out of me. Even if I’m only fighting my battles in my sleep I’m letting him continue to steal my life. I’m doing great in my waking hours it’s when I’m asleep that the horrors begin. I know this is a process but I’m tired of me going through this process while he goes on happily ever after. Why couldn’t tornados find him instead of the sweet co-workers that have lost everything. ? I just don’t understand anymore. In the midst of my panic I found this email from the Universe. It helped me through this mornings painful attack. I thought I would share this with everyone. Maybe it can help someone else.
Courageous is the soul, , who adventures into time and space to learn of their divinity. For while they cannot lose, they can think they have, and the loss will seem intolerable. And while they cannot fail, they can think they have, and the pain will seem unbearable. And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are – powerful, eternal, and loved – they can think they are, and all hope will seem lost.
And therein lies their test. A test of perceptions: of what to focus on, of what to believe in, in spite of appearances.
YOU,, are divine –
The universe.
Very positive message for us all don’t you think.
It helped me feel better.
Hi emtuoba, Be patient with yourself. I was 5 years out before I began to ‘not panic’. Let yourself panic and let it move through you. Don’t hold it in. Then trust that you will be ok.
In your writing you mentioned the monster. I used to want to be protective of myself when dealing with him in our divorce but sometimes it’s better to say to yourself, “Don’t poke the monster and wake him up.”
Thank you loveliesbleeding.
No the truck is only in my name. He has trashed it. It was upside down to begin with. I cannot afford it. I cannot drive it. It’s huge. If I repo it it’s like a bankruptcy. I need my credit. I want to get a place with my mom in a year. And my sweet little puppies are turning into ponies. I’ve got to get them placed before too much longer. 8 mastiff pups are real work. I’m just over whelmed. I’m so tired.
I’m trying to see this from a positive angle. If I can just turn this around.
Hi emtuoba:
It’s so hard when you’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted–just one day at a time; one issue at a time.
In case it might be relevant, some women’s shelters partner with animal shelters. To help out women in abusive situations some will care for your animals so you can focus on getting yourself to a safe place physically, financially, emotionally, psychologically. At least the one that I knew of was, of course, a no-kill animal shelter and spots were reserved for animals of women who needed help because they were in abusive situations. Apparently, one of the many reasons women do not leave abusive situations is fear of what will happen to the animals they may need to leave behind. Some shelters have mobilized to address this. Just a thought.
Remember to be kind and patient with yourself. Celebrate even the smallest of victories and accomplishments. When things were at the blackest for me–just getting one positive thing done in a day was a source of pride.
It’s weird, the 3am thing. I wake every night at three am, and this is WITH meds that help me sleep. Fortunately, the meds help me fall back to sleep, after a piece of chocolate and a glass of water, but, yeah, it’s always between 3 & 4. I have found that sleeping with my TV on helps. Doesn’t really matter what’s on, I used to sell cable and now I have none, but I feel like the sound overshadowsystem my racing thoughts. I do advise psychiatric intervention. They can prescribe medication and when you explain why you can’t, that it’s probably PTSD, a doctor will know what medication works best. I wake feeling rested. It’s imperative you get your rest; it’s the foundation of healing on all aspects. But the three o’clock thing…wow!
Erica
Yes it is odd the 3 am thing. I wake anyway at 5 am. I wonder if it’s a sleep stage in which I’m preparing to wake up or something. Then my unconcious thoughts and worries just come flooding out. I’m just trying to understand it. I want it to stop. It physically hurts. I want it to stop. I’m not taking meds. I’m addicted to lavender oil lately. I put a bottle under my pillow and sprinkle some on my pillow and just breathe deeply
until I stop panic and fall back asleep. Don’t know why lavender oil but it seems to help me.
I also sleep with the tv on. The noise helps. I have an appointment. January 11. Can you believe it takes a month to get an appointment with a therapist. Yes I do have PTSD. IM CERTAIN OF IT.
It is frightening in away that we are all so similar. It’s more than frightening that our ex’s are so similar. It’s like we are all the the same person. Collectively the pain we share is monumental. It could fill an ocean. It’s just so over whelming that these heartless creeps have caused so many good people so much pain. I’m praying that it will stop for all of us. And the sooner the better.
Sorry for the typos…damn auto correct 😨
Connecting to your words. This was the cycle I also lived in my 25 year marriage. Thank you for sharing. Still healing from the physical repercussions of living in the fight or flight mode. Will check out your book!