Ev
ery week, a chapter of my book,”Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, use the links at the bottom of the post.
I’ve also just released a new ebook titled Narcissists, SOCIOPATHS & Wolves: Lessons From Little Red Riding Hood. (Just click here to find it on Amazon.com Narcissists SOCIOPATHS & Wolves.)
Chapter 56C: It’s Not Over Until Paul Says It’s Over
It was beyond my control. Finally accepting that, and forgiving myself for the mess that, despite my best intentions, my life had become, brought me a peace that had eluded me previously. Yes, I might end up poor, but I would survive. Yes, I might not have a relationship with my daughter for years, if ever. I could not control that. I had to accept it. Wanting something that would be thwarted while she lived with her dad and chose to be financially dependent on him could only bring me pain, so I let go.
There was some comfort when the psychologist asked for a final conference with just me. We talked about Jessica and Daniel and how best to help them and if I was getting the support and help I needed. Before I left, the psychologist assured me that he had talked to Jessica at length about me. “You two have a strong and loving foundation,” he said. “In time she’ll come back to you if you stay open and if you do your best to never say anything negative about her father. I know you’ve been very restrained, but you haven’t been perfect. She has to come to her own conclusions about her dad and about you. She made it clear that you never threw her out of your house and you never abandoned her, as Paul has been telling people and as he told me. Give it time.”
Tears slipped from my eyes as I listened. I refused to allow myself to hope the psychologist was right, for hope would keep the issue of wanting a relationship with my daughter alive, and keeping the issue alive would mean keeping the pain alive. I simply had to disengage—completely. If Jessica came back to me, I would be welcoming and loving. If not … well, I cannot control that. I am not a sociopath. I will not try to control my daughter, because the only relationship worth having with her is one that both of us choose freely.
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Notes
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
Here we go again — holiday drama time
In my experience, this is the only choice.
As soul killing as it is to let go of your own…it is literally a life and death matter.
We have to choose life. For everyone.
what do you mean by that statement?
This is not a forum for spaths. You will likely find forums for you online as well.
I am not going to answer any question posed by a spath because there will always be an argument. Spaths try to convince others around to their warped way of thinking.
Been there too many times.
I had to make a profile just to comment on this, I whole heartedly disagree with this, you’re making a very GENERAL statement in regards to sociopaths. not all sociopaths are these degenerates who seek nothing more than to destroy everyone they come into contact with. yes while sociopaths tend to be emotionally numb, not all of them “use what you want and desire to inflict maximum pain” that’s just a childish belief that causes individuals who were hurt by SOME to fear and resent ALL. please try to understand the Sociopath and not Demonize them.
-your local sociopath.
This is not a ‘poor misunderstood me’ forum for spaths. Find your own forum.
Agree completely, Bev.
Please enlighten me and extoll the virtues of sociopaths. I must have been missing the positive qualities of your group, and can’t wait to be disabused of my “childish” notions. [Rolls eyes.]
I’m allowing the comment from onetrackmind to remain for now – it’s educational to see the reaction
I think that’s actually a good idea, Donna.
🙂
I hope that the psychologist’s advice to “never say anything negative about [your daughter’s] father” works out better for you than it did for me. That was standard divorce advice in the 1990’s and I did my best to take the high road. Her father, on the other hand, was Hell bent on destroying me and my relationship with our daughter. He would tell everyone that I was the “best wife and mother in the world” until he starting abusing our daughter (he was already abusing me) and I left him. Then I became the “crazy bitch” who couldn’t do anything right. The court appointed psychologist mediating our custody arrangements started laughing when she met me. “Well, you do clean up nicely,” she said sarcastically. She knew that he was trying to make me out to be an unfit mother when nothing could have been further from the truth. I ended up getting physical custody.
Then, when our daughter was in high school she decided she wanted to live with her father. I was a struggling public school teacher, he was a wealthy entrepreneur who threatened to hide every asset to avoid paying child support and alimony. He had a beautiful house with a pool and spoiled our child rotten. I remember taking her out to dinner when she was a teenager. We were at the city’s best steakhouse, which I could not afford, but I knew I was in competition. “This doesn’t taste like a $50 steak,” she complained. “I don’t know, Grace,” I told her. “I have never had a $50 steak.” That was about ten years ago.
Now, she is in her late twenties, and she is currently not speaking to me. As an adult she has asked me about situations with her father, and though I try to couch my language in a sensitive manner, I have never lied to her. She has had years of her father saying every awful thing about me that he could imagine, and twisting every situation to make me seem like the bad guy. I have mostly kept my mouth shut, and even gave him credit when due (he is very talented). She idolizes her father, who continued to try to have sex with me after he married his next, very wealthy, wife. I called the wife and asked her to please keep him away from me. She called me a crazy liar.
I am afraid there is no winning with a sociopath. They live to manipulate and destroy. We are just trying to live honest lives, and really love people. Sometimes our daughter has seen the man “behind the mask” and I will take that tiny bit of vindication every time, but my heart is beyond broken. I continue to hope for a better relationship with my daughter, and I will never stop trying.