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A story. My story. Dancing in the arms of love.

She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.

She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.

She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.

I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.

And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.

He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.

She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.

She waited.

Patient.

Patiently.

And still. He never came.

She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.

She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.

She was patient. Oh so patient.

And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.

And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.

She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.

But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.

She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.

Please come, she begged. Please come.

But still, he didn’t call.

Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.

Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.

And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.

She had to do that. She had to wake up.

And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.

Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.

Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.

She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.

And so she waited.

And nothing changed except the fear.

The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.

She lost.

And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.

Patiently waiting for death to come.

But it never came.

And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.

She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.

I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.

And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.

She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.

And He did.

I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.

Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.

She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.

It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.

I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.

Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.

And she did.

And Love embraced her.

And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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168 Comments on "A story. My story. Dancing in the arms of love."

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LTL:
“HOC has to GET OUT first before she will ever be able to be non-reactive to his emotional abuse. She will always have the flight or fight response when his words , his threats to walk away from her, her feeling of about to be abandoned pops up she too WILL DO ANYTHING IT TAKES SO HE DOESNT LEAVE HER. Including pushing him to the brink as well

They each know how to push eachothers buttons ”“ and they are both individually in unhealthy situations that they dont even see the cycle.”

BINGO!
Well said.

HOC –

Thats a great idea! Hope you find a therapist that helps you to focus on what youre dealing with.

I understand no amount of warning or experience of others who have been in toxic abusive relationships will really deter you from staying with him. I understand you are resolved to the thought “its better to hurt than feel nothing at all” — but I hope everyone continues to share with you all the reasons why – on the day that you were born, you didnt come into this world with a label saying abuse me, hurt me, Im worthless…you entered this world equal to all the rest of the world — you are unique , you are a valuable person, and you deserve to receive goodness and give goodness.

Somewhere along the way – you lost sight of the important healthy things in life. If you focus on THAT, you might make some progress! I think many of us at some point in our life lost our way — but not many of us choose to stay there — we found the strength within to WANT to change our way of thinking , better our choices, and become stronger.

Most relationships in the beginning are really good. Both people are on best behaviors, we want to please eachother, treat eachother well and everything goes along really well the first several months. In unhealthy situations – after a while – we get to know the REAL person, how they react to things. Healthy people pretty much continue on a path of growing and learning and respecting eachother straight through months and months of togetherness. In an unhealthy relationship personalities will slowly change over time — but your heart is already in it — but it will never go back to the way it was because the way it was – wasnt totally the real people. The real partner you are with is the person you write about here. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Go reread all of your posts from the beginning. Describing how he treats you. Read your own words. THATS YOUR PARTNER. That person put on his best behavior for you in the beginning – to get you to be with him, sleep with him, move in with him — but he couldnt keep up that way – because thats not the real him. What youve got now – is what you will get the rest of your days with him. (Except when he wants something or needs something or is afraid he did something terribly wrong – he will put on his mask – temporarily – so you keep coming back, staying, trying.

PS. I think you are doing the same thing with him too — so its a toxic cycle. And all you have known for a very long time. So youre comfortable with the chaos and confusion –

A new therapist will be helpful. Can you print out all of your posts and all of our responses to take to the therapist. Maybe Donna could email them to you — I think it would be helpful for you — and for your new therapist.

This is what occured to me when reading your last post, HOC:
“…living in a powder keg and givin’ off sparks, I really need you tonight…”
These are some of the lyrics of Bonnie Tylers “Total eclipse of the heart”.
My point is, if you dont want to be damaged in the explosion, get out of the powder keg….then find out why you’re givin’ off sparks, find out why you “need” the powder keg so badly that you’re willing to anhilate right along with it…and never find yourself in that position again…I’m only talking out of experience…I hope it helps.

LearnedtheLesson and HeigthofConfusion,

I have to say I love all our funny screen names.

Anyway, I looked back at what I said and still didn’t say it well.

Oh well.

I work with teens and I have noticed that teen love drama is very common. They believe it has to be a big drama or it’s not worth anything. But I also know that when we are talking about physical abuse, that is dangerous and alarming.

In my area, the local Domestic Violence Org has a class for young people called “Healthy Relationships.” They might have something like that near HOC.

Anyway, HOC, we don’t want to talk about you. We want to talk to you. I don’t know your whole story but if you were advised by the team here to get a new therapist, then I am glad you have decided to do that. LF is a team in a way and there is lots of experience here for you.

Here’s wishing you a healthy relationship in the future. And don’t believe the bad things an abuser says to you… things like “no one else would want you” or “no one else would put up with you.” I have heard these things too and they are not true.

Also, think about your perspective on Love. Do you believe that love is supposed to be drama with really big highs and really deep lows… A solid loving relationship should not feel like a roller coaster. It should be more like a merry-go-round. Small ups and downs but mostly steady…. with some happy music and smiling faces. Just a thought. :O)

Aloha

Aloha –

In my quest for integrating information and knowledge to our local highschool/colleges – can you give me the name or the number of your local domestic violence org that holds these “healthy relationship” classes..

Im very interested in finding out exactly what they cover in this class. You could email it to Donna and she could forward it to me.Thanks.

And HOC, this is one of the things that you could choose to fill in the blank about what youre going to do positive today for yourself, another small baby step… FIRST it was the therapist… today it might be taking Alohas advice and just looking on line for your local domestic violence organization — see what they offer, and choose one thing to look into. Just to see what its about — to see if you may benefit from attending one class or talking to someone there as well…just finding someone to talk to in person — someone qualified to help you sort it all out – and work with you to accomplish what you want to in your relationship. I think its a great idea!

LearnedtheLesson,

The agency is called: NextdoorSolutions. http://www.nextdoor.org.

:O)

amazing post thank you ox……………………enlightened and more by the second…….hope can walk the walk…..

I simply CANNOT believe the immense damage caused to so many and how many broken hearts are left in the wake. Just incredible.

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