She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Dear Louise,
A very poetic and moving article. How we have all waited with such patience, such pain, for the thing that never came.
In reading through your article, I could so relate to that WAITING, that hoping, that despair, that the “other” would appear and save the day…but it is only, within ourselves, that our savior can come when we reach down inside for the strengths that were always there to save ourselves.
Thank you, Louise, for an, as always, inspiring read! (((hugs)) and God bless.
thanks OxDrover — your words, as always, are soothing and strong. A beautiful testament to your amazing spirit.
You are such a blessing in this place. Thank you for all you do.
Louise ((hugs)) back at ya!
Dear Louise,
Thank you for those kind words, you have been my inspiration and when I grow up I want to be just like you! LOL
Wow. Amen.
That about sums it up = waiting in the dark for so many promises, then the fear of getting free and the pain of seeing what we had shut our eyes to in order to stay with him and believe his lies.
Thankyou for writing this – it speaks on many levels. I remember the waiting – his always asking me to ‘be patient’ and for what? Nothing ever came through for me. Nothing ever changed.
Now I struggle to integrate back into life and the long journey of healing is mine alone. He can walk off without a backward glance at the devastation he wreacked because of the nature of what he is. He has no regrets, no sorrow, no shame, no guilt, no burden of anything dark for what he did to me. I carry the load for both of us. And everything to get myself free – I have to do. Unwinding each cord he strangled my soul with. Ripping off his shackles and waiting to see the signs of entanglement and slavery in his new mark. I know it will come as surely as the sun rises each day for he is incapable of change and perhaps that is his curse and my blessing.
Thankyou Louise for sharing your pain and dipping into that dark hole again that those of us aching might find communion and some meaning with you.
Does anyone else think of this as an emotional investment? the more Patience, the more support, the more time we give these beings, the less we want to see and feel the truth about them.
Being a single mother, I thought when the Ex was out of my life, I’d be so devastated and lost. Instead, I found better footing, stronger hold, predictability even and re-discovered sanity.
Oh, I miss him to no end. I know that never will I experience the highs of that relationship again. But, frankly, it’s fine by me. You all are great. As my saga nears its end, I hope to regain control over my life and to not care so much that he is punished. Indeed, Punishment is for those who can experience the remorse. It is no longer a punishment, if the S is dead inside, just a walking dead.would you agree?
I agree that there is no revenge we could take that could hurt them … because they are incapable of being hurt like we get wounded. I think they are fearful though of being exposed for what they are … that’s why they discredit us after we end it to other people – put the blame on us and make rumours about our mental health so others won’t be so inclined to listen if we tell the story of what really happened.
You will get a sense of sanity back and relief when it is over … I don’t miss mine – I miss having a companion, but not him. He tried to turn my head inside out and by the end when he knew I KNEW what he was he was hateful and cold and spiteful towards me all the time. So I don’t miss him no – I miss the lost dreams, my lost youth and my faith in humanity – that is taking some time to come back to me. I am deeply wounded by the whole thing.
My saga is coming to an end too soon – he is out of my life and has been for a while. I am still hurt and damned angry about it all. The desire for revenge still surfaces from time to time though I know it is futile ultimately. He is incapable of feeling any of the pain he put me through – if he was capable of pain or empathy he would not have done what he did to me. It was inhuman.
Louise,
To look long and far for a love so pure and true – that is right in front of us -yet we cant see it until we stop looking outward and look inward, when we are ready to.
The beauty in this story, your story radiates off the computer!
ps. I try to “recover my joy” everyday! Thank you for sharing all that you do.
I believe it was an emotional investment, giving everything I had, believing I would get that love and support back.
I think “walking dead” is a perfect analogy.
That’s lovely.
Midlifecrises..what you said about them telling everyone you’re mentally ill..mine did the same! It is so embarrasing. His new gf told me “she knows I’m unwell and I should think about prozac as it worked for some of her freinds” LOL!!
I said to her of course I’m angry and unhappy (I whacked him in front of her, jsut after I found out that he’d started seeing her while we were trying to ‘give things another go’) but I’m not going to medicate myself to help the pain of being callously betrayed over and over by the man I loved. She doesn’t like hearing that stuff and straight out refuses to beleive anything I say about him..so I have left her to it.
She must be a bit more naive than me because that would have made me run a mile..I guess she truly beleives I’m crazy.
Aah, she will learn what he’s really like in time..when she gets hit with “the bullshit bat”