She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Rosie,
Stuckness… I lived totally and completely in stuckness for about 2 years after the Bad Man. I was completely obsessed with monitering what he was doing… all the way from the Mainland. He was posting on CraigsList and Match and my friends on the island would report sightings to me. I even learned that he was moving from one island to another because a friend saw him at the car shipping place on Maui preparing to ship his car to the Big Island. I believe he is now on Oahu.
I think this stuckness that we feel is part of hyper vigilence which is part of PTSD. Also, I felt so violated by him that I was obsessed with trying to warn others about him and to stop him fron hurting others. I was somewhat successful. But then my friends had a kind of intervention talk with me.
There comes a point where we do need to move on. I still sign on to Craigslist maybe once a year and search for the “merman” but nothing comes up and I give up after 5 minutes. And… Bad Man did recently find my post on DDHG which I was checking a few times per year and he left a rebuttal that brought back … *cue the music*…. memories.. from the corners of my mind.. misty water color memories.. of the way you tortured me!
Yeah. I don’t want to go there. So I was able to remove my post on DDHG and release the Bad Man into the wild. I can’t protect the world from the Bad Man and sadly, I know there are other women that have lessons to learn.
Stuckness will pass. I think it depends on the level of trauma and the amount of time you spent with a Bad Man and your level of coping skills as well.
So get out those coping skills and dust them off and try them on for size. Coping skills are the things you used to like to do. Do them, and pretend to smile and eventually, you will catch yourself enjoying life again.
It will come. It takes time.
Aloha………!
Dear Kathleen and all…
Thanks to all of you that offered me support regarding my new unavailable and unreliable friend.
You all have such wonderful wisdom and I appreciate your taking the time to boost me up while I was twirling around in my head.
All of his bad behavior started he got a pink slip at his job. But, I think.. it’s all going to be okay. I did hear from my friend three times since I last posted. He said, “I think I am ready to come out of my cave now.” He is feeling “worthless” after being laid off.. this is a first for him. There’s some other stress going on as well that I won’t bore everyone with.
I will be honest with you all. I was going a bit cookoo and I am embarrassed to admit it. I decided last weekend that I was going to call him 1,000 times until he answered his phone. BUT… I decided to give that up after 3 calls in a row so I guess I am not completely insane!
He was behaving badly. He wasn’t returning anyone’s calls. His voicemail was full. As for me, I was losing my mind because I have so many stories of manipulation and emotional torture in my head that I was freaking out.
Last night, we compared our red flags we have on eachother. He has had a crazy ex before so I was starting to worry him. But he factored in that he knows my trust is very “fragile” and I have been through a lot.
Also, from our early conversations, I picked up that he may have had a somewhat disordered ex-girlfriend. We joked that we each had one eye on eachother to see who was going to turn psycho first. He is gun shy as am I.
His words last night were something like: “Hunny Bunny, I am not a bad guy. I am just having a breakdown. My whole life is upsidedown right now and I am really afraid. I am not trying to mess with your mind.”
I think the moral of the story is that dating after a sociopath or any kind of abusive relationship can be challenging. I was really starting to feel ready after close to 5 years of healing… but I see that my triggers are very loose. I need someone that is patient and kind and understanding. My new guy was all those things until he had his own personal meltdown of sorts.
So, at this point, I am okay now. I have stopped obsessing over him. And the communication has improved slightly. I have to remember that not all men are predator and manipulators and torturers.
And as for my new guy, he understands that when he is ready to see me again, he needs to bring flowers, LOTS of FLOWERS. I do owe him an apology as well.
Aloha……. Elise
Dear Aloha,
Yea, that being able to “trust” is a two way street–we saw the Ps through “rose colored glasses” and we tend now, I thinkk to see everyone else afterwards through “Chit-colored” glasses LOL
While I would want to be compassionate to anyone who had a melt down from being fired AT THE SAME TIME a guy who totally MELTS DOWN because he is fired and behaves badly toward friends (not even giving them an explination) may have some OTHER ISSUES.
Let’s say you and he got “together” and he got fired again, is THIS going to excuse him behaving badly toward you then?
The guy may not be a P, but I still think he has some SERIOUS issues that HE needs to address, first by acknkowledging them, secondly by a sincere apology to you, AND some CHANGES in his behavior. Since this is a behavior that is not a “daily” thing (behaving badly after getting fired) it would take a while to see if the behavior changed or not.
It sounds to me like this guy has a problem with “failing” at anything, and retreats like a turtle into his shell when anything bad happens. So TO ME, that is not someone I would want to be involved with, not because he was a P, but because he didn’t want to address the problems head on, or to treat his friends well, no matter what the problems in his life are.
Not everyone who handles their problems poorly is a psychopath by any stretch of the imagination, but I think with OUR new awareness and OUR new ways of doing things in a more healthy manner, we are not going to be satisfied with someone who behaves in a dysfunctional manner, even if it is not ABUSIVE in the normal sense of the word.
WE are at a point now, where WE expect open honesty and a healthy way of handling problems from others as well as ourselves.
I know that you have worked very hard to be responsible, to be caring and compassionate to others, and to be EMPATHETIC, and I don’t think HIS behavior showed a big consideration of what effect his behavior would have on YOU. I think he was much more concerned about his own wounds to even realize he was wounding you by refusing to answer his phone calls.
For what it is worth I think your frustrations at that were probably somewhat “triggered” by past behavior of the Bad Man as well, that little bit of lack of empathy on his part, that bit of narcissisim, sort of acted as a trigger to your psyche. So don’t totally dismiss your gut feeling about this guy, not just yet, is my advice for what it is worth. Of course I am prejudiced against anyone who hurts my Aloha in any way, and I have the skillets prepared! ((((Hugs))))
AlohaTraveler:
You said, “I decided last weekend that I was going to call him 1,000 times until he answered his phone. BUT” I decided to give that up after 3 calls in a row so I guess I am not completely insane!”
What is so special about this man that you called him 3 times in a row?
It is NOT NECESSARY to call any man 3 times in a row.
The first phone call should be sufficient. If he does not return your call, forget it and move on.
I’m glad you were able to speak with him, and are no longer obsessing over him.
I would continue to proceed with extreme caution where this man is concerned. It’s still early.
Be careful, AlohaTraveler.
Dear Aloha,
Remember to keep the bar held high… always…
In terms of respect, compassion, trust, communication and understanding.
There is NO TIME that it would be ok for someone to be disrespectful toward you. If he lost his job and he said I need time to myself to sort it out. Then you need to take that at face value and get busy with your stuff in your life — you cannot make anything better in his life right now — this is something he has to sort out — you certainly can be there as support should he call and want to talk — but please remember – a healthy relationship does not include avoiding your calls and it also doesnt mean you should have to call him multiple times.
Also, when he is ready to see you again – you too need to feel comfortable and ready to see him again based on his ACTIONS leading up to that point.
Glad you were able to resolve some of the confusion/behaviors — but always keep the bar raised high — in terms of what you expect for yourself – even when someones life is going through a valley — they still owe you proper treatment – even if they wish to have some time and space.
Good luck .. Hope he is able to sort it out and include you/treat you the way you deserve to be treated always!
Alohatraveler:
I can understand his crawling into a shell after getting fired. That’s a common reaction.
When you said you were going to call him 1000 times gave me pause. The reason? Because I went down that very path myself with My S-ex.
My S-ex drove me so crazy one night picking a fight with me over a drink. He then stormed out of the bar and then texted me this tearful “I can’t give you what you want” attempted breakup (texting a breakup is unacceptable).
It drove me right around the bend. I proceeded to call him 1000 times. I called his land line and cell phone until both mailboxes filled up. In a final spasm of craziness I went to his place. He wouldn’t answer the buzzer. So, I walked around his block for 8 hours in the freezing cold until he deigned to let me up the next morning.
Now it gets really good. Once I was in his apartment he blamed me for his cashed paycheck being stolen out of his back pocket (I now know it went to his drug dealer who he was talking to that night) and got me to write him a check for his rent.
He played me perfectly. My financial taps were now opened wide and flowing nonstop.
My question to you is are you being played? Look carefully to see if there are any other red flags you may have been ignoring.
Aloha,
You shouldn’t feel embarrassed to admit calling the fella however many times you did or wanted to.
I admire your courage and honesty by confessing it to the LF members. That took guts, sweetie. Loads.
I’ve been there, done it oodles of times with males I was involved with in the past. I wanted answers, dammit, and I wanted them now! I hated waiting for when they were ready to talk. I’m not that patient.
Seems from your perspective he was keeping you in limbo. Not a very comfortable state to be in. But that’s super cool that he called and honestly, candidly spoke of his situation and feelings. Awesome!
I agree with you when you said…”I have to remember that not all men are predator and manipulators and torturers.” So very true but after one or many encounters with psychopaths, I think being cautious and careful is normal. And probably beneficial to your own well being, safety and sanity. Just my lil 2 cents to offer.
Truly, none of us is perfect. Even the wonderful, good and decent folks on this planet possess their own quirks, insecurities, foibles and flaws.
It’s what makes us complex, multi-faceted, interesting and endearing to each other.
Wouldn’t have it any other way!
🙂
Jane said
“I’ve been there, done it oodles of times with males I was involved with in the past. I wanted answers, dammit, and I wanted them now! I hated waiting for when they were ready to talk. I’m not that patient.”
Me too… its just that reading it before me now, I think…wow – what wasted energy and time of mine to do that… the answers were right before me…he said he would call and he didnt. I no longer need to know why or want questions answered.
Just recently in my life, Im recognizing the benefit to myself and others that in future instead of having a fit or fight or meltdown etc.. – i recognize now its best to not obsess and just go on with my days/nights knowing it isnt working for me. If, when he gets himself together or returns from goodness knows where – i will know by his actions not his words/promises where we stand with eachother. If he continues to be standoffish and excuse-making, I personally will move on. I deserve better treatment. If he chooses to keep his word, keep communicating and his actions are showing me he keeps his word – then I will pick up where we left off.
I think at times we may jump the gun with good decent folk and they jump the gun with us being so cautious/alarmed …but the bottom line is when respect and courtesy changes very dramatically in the middle of an otherwise seemingly “comfortable” relationship — it doesnt matter to me if its a predator or a really good-hearted person — Im not going to expose myself to it.
You dont have to be a sociopath to treat someone wrong. Even good decent people dont always treat others right.
Aloha, you said you did hear from him since your last posting.. did he finally answer the phone when you called? or connect with you via email? or did he place the call to you?
In my opinion, his actions are very key to this. I hope his actions are proving to be what you deserve! Even if he is having a rough go of it in life – he should still be treating you with respect. Not necessarily going out of his way to do things, see you, etc.. if he has to sort stuff out right now. But simply keeping his word. It sounds like you are confident that this is the case! We all just want the best for you! Trusting yourself is key too! Thanks for sharing all that you do!
Rosie – I like your interpretation of the stuckness – part of it is definitely exhaustion and part must be related to the hyper vigilance and watching out for threats on the horizon. Part of it too is habit – the Ps leave a big hole in our lives because they didn’t allow us to have anyone else in them. So when they leave, there is nothing left. It’s very hard to move on. The more I read about trauma the more I understand how bad the situation was. I was being abused multiple times a day and got to expect it after a while so was constantly on alert for non verbal signs that he was hiding something bad from me.
The stuckness is also part of the ‘freeze’ response to trauma. In the wild after an unsuccessful attack, animals have a period of discharge of that energy that allows them to return to normal. They will shake and tremble and the energy is released so they can run to join the others. Humans don’t have the discharge and it is thought that this is what causes PTSD. I have been reading about a therapy called ‘Somatic re-experiencing’ – apparently it helps us to go back in our minds to the situation and discharge some of that energy that causes us to freeze. I don’t think there are any practitioners here though – always the problem. Another thing I am looking into is the Shamanic practice of Soul Retrieval – this won’t be for everyone, but I have the feeling he stole parts of my soul and when he couldn’t integrate them he discarded them. So parts of me are floating somewhere in the cosmos – soul retrieval allows for them to be brought back to me and integrated – again the problem will be finding a practitioner. I am already doing EFT and meditation and some yoga but those t hings aren’t really helping me a lot – well they’re stopping me from enacting some rage fantasies but they’re not grounding me and getting me away from the obsession and hyper vigilance.
Is anyone else having problems with sleeping? This is very new for me but for the last few months (since I became aware of what he is) I am waking in the night at the slightest noise and sometimes only getting four or five hours sleep at a time. I am very tired at all times through the day.
Dear Midline,
The sleep problems are a common theme in PTSD or depression, and other things as well. The “hypervigilence” is also a common theme as well. If you don’t feel “safe” you are apt to wake at the slightest noise. Been there and done that for sure!
There are several things you can do to help you.
1. cut down on caffine to less than 120 mg per day (remember a starbucks has 300 mg) Dr. Leedom pointed that out in another article. I have done this, by degrees, do NOT go “cold turkey” or you will get the grandmother of ALL HEADACHES, caffine is a drug, remember that. I got de-caf coffee and mixed it half and half to start with. Then went 2/3 decaf to 1/3 caffineted coffee and ALL COFFEE AFTER NOON is decaf. Tea also has more caffine than coffee, and some soft drinks are also highly laced with caffine. SO that will help!
2. Before going to bed, eat a snack, milk or cheese, has natural “sleepy time” ingredients
3. Melatonin is an over the counter sleep aid that helps you “feel drowsy” Benadryl makes you sleepy but actually interfeers with “good” sleep.
4. Alcohol also does not give you good sleep so avoid this.
5. Do something relaxing before bedtime. Set a GET UP time, that you get up, even if you have only had 2 hours sleep, and it will help you get sleep the next night.
6. AVOID ALL AFTERNOON naps, and if you must nap, do it in the mornings and no more than 90 minutes. Even a 15 minute nap may help, but don’t sleep for hours in the day time.
BE GOOD TO YOUR SELF and don’t do anything to upset yourself before bed time.
Learn some kind of self relaxation tricks or meditation, even simply focusing on your breathing while you count your breaths will help.
Hang tough, this is just part of it. (((Hugs)))