She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
midlife – reading your post immediately grounded me. i was talking to a cop friennd months ago, about the spath, and he was one of the few people who understood about the ‘discharge’. the cops do it all the time. they know.
i couldn;t do much at the time, or even yet, becuase of illness and injury – it stays stuck and we’re fucked. begetting more illness.
http://www.shamanism.org/
i worked with one of their teachers for a few years, i don’t know if there are practitioners where you are. the ptsd work of bellerruth naperstek has a sort of soul retrieval in it – something a bit different, less somatic maybe. (years ago, i was involved in soul retrieval work – as a recipient and a helper)
the traditional people where you are – can they help?
midlife – also, the info i got re processing the adrenaline from the mugging was:
Detoxification = using up B6, Cal/Mag, Vitamin C, Niacin, EFAs, etc.
Mugged = adrenal rush
Adrenal rush = using up B5, B6, Vitamin C, Magnesium, etc.
The two nutrients most affecting circulation would be calcium, magnesium, vitamin D and niacin.
best,
onestep
AlohaTraveler:
You say, “I will be honest with you all. I was going a bit cookoo and I am embarrassed to admit it.”
There’s no reason to be embarrassed.
If you ever feel “cookoo” again over this man, please come to Lovefraud and talk to the members here.
Please DO NOT get on the phone and go into a 1000-call drill on this guy. That is not the answer.
I am standing by my original post, Aloha.
I think you should run like the wind away from this guy.
But, we all need to travel our own path.
Be very careful, AlohaTraveler.
You have come so far.
Thanks Oxy – I definitely am having too much caffeine but this has become a vicious circle as I need it to wake me up for work, but then can’t get to sleep at night. I will take your suggestion about gradually cutting down. I might also have a look for melatonin – not sure if I can buy that here? Will check at the health shop.
One step – I have had a blessing and prayers said over me but it hasn’t changed the situation – thanks for the shamanic website – I will have a dig through it and see what I can find.
I know it’s part of the process of healing – it’s just another frustration to go through while healing and yet another thing they don’t have to deal with> Being without sleep can make you feel more emotional and less like you’re coping … I have to always remember ‘You’re just feeling this way because you’re tired!’
You lovely ladies – wish I could give you a big hug – thanks for your care and attention 🙂
Midlife/One:
This week I found this stuff called…Super green drink.
At Trader Joes….its’ $20.00 for a container of poweder….
I’ll tell ya…..
Since I’ve been healing…..from everything…spath and illness….I’ve taken daily naps….2.5 hours…
Okay….now I know that sounds wonderful to some…..but I just melt at anywhere between 10-4……
and I sleep.
I’m tired of losing this time in my day…..and a friend recommended this stuff.
So….I bought some.
OMG….it’s like a fruity tooty Mid day dose of pick me up.
I’ts Vitamins…..spirulina, different green vegies powdered…and yada yada….no caffein, no crack…..like those stupid ‘monster’ drinks….just good stuff and like 1g. of sugar.
So far….I recommend it highly…..as I’m awake to do this!!
🙂
Learnedthelesson, Matt and all!
He called me on both of my phones to leave the message, “I am ready to come out of my cave now.” I called him back. He called me this morning to wish me well on a work trip. (I am in Morro Bay, CA)
I liked Matt’s prespective… that his retreating is pretty common reaction from a guys perspective. Like I said, there are a few other things he is juggling at the moment. The Job loss caused a chain reaction of things he needed to handle.
I am not letting this guy completely off the hook. I am on my guard and will be careful.
Thanks everyone!
Aloha
Aloha:
However they behave now….they will not change it later…..
keep in mind….this is probably NOT the only ‘crisis’ he will experience in his life….and are you OKAY with the way he has handled it/and you…..?
It’s the questioning that always get’s me in trouble….
Tread lightly my dear……and keep your eyes wide open.
Good luck!!!
XXOO
EB
Erin that sounds fab … can get plain green powder here but not that super charged mixture!
Aloha thankyou for sharing your experience with us all … for me it’s a timely reminder to find a balance between protection for myself and not jumping to conclusions about other people when I meet them. What we look for in people we tend to find evidence of. I wish you all the very best for this experience with this man – I hope he turns out to be someone very special for you …
BUT
If he doesn’t, I know you’ll be okay and the right man will be waiting somewhere a few months down the track for you. You’ve gotten through the worst experience possible and know how to look after yourself. Your friends here are all rooting for you 🙂 Bring him here and we’ll check him out for you! LOL
Hi Everyone,
Sorry I haven’t posted anything for weeks I have had a really bad time.
Well first thing I suppose I should mention is that you were right – he did hit me (threw me down a flight of stone steps actully) We went out on my birthday and had a huge arguement about nothing really – guess too much drink was involved. He said alot of hurtful nasty things and tried to walk away from me but I wouldn’t let him. I kept trying to talk to him, tell him how much I cared and why he was doing this. The arguement was outside in the middle of a busy high street, he was caught on CCTV pushing me and grabbing me by the throat and eventully the police had to seperate us (they tried both that night and three times since to get me to make a complaint against him but I refused) It was a really awful night and I am really shocked and embarrassed by my behaviour.
Not surprisingly he ended our relationship due to this and I have been devestated. I have been really ill the past 2 weeks and even came close to being sectioned for my own safety. I could go on forever about what I have been thinking and feeling and what doctors I have spoken to but to be honest its all a bit of a haze and still very upsetting
Thankfully after a bit of time and alot of apologising we are back together – just to see how it goes, but I can promise myself I will never do anything like that again to screw it up.
I can’t even describe how happy I am to have him back in my life again. However it obviously is not perfect – the same destructive one sided relationship as before
I am not totally stupid and I understand that most of you will not be pleased to hear I am still in this relationship but after what I have been through these past weeks I really needed someone to talk to.
Thank You.
Height of Confusion –
Im glad you are ok…literally glad you are still alive.
You are not stupid, and you really do understand that most of us will not be pleased to hear you are still in this relationship.
Lovefraud will always be here for you…I would just like to encourage you to also fill the void you are feeling by reaching out to a domestic violence shelter, or an emergency room ( you should know you can walk in at ANY TIME and say you fear for your life (either at the mercy of anothers hands or your own thoughts) ANYTIME YOU NEED TO. THEY WILL HELP YOU. THEY WILL LISTEN AND TALK AND HELP YOU HELP KEEP YOU SAFE HELP YOU FIND A BETTER WAY– WHEN YOU ARE READY…
You are not stupid, but you are not well. So many of us were not well by the time we got caught up in dark bad places with our partner. This is no longer about him – its about your choices.
You seem to like where you are versus making healthy choices for yourself. I pray your life is not taken away — EVER. I pray you find the strength and courage to love yourself enough to get out. I know your spirit and soul has been hurting and you are losing pieces of yourself with each passing day WITH HIM – except in the fog that you are in — you believe you are not whole without him.
Please keep reaching out , not only at LF, but to others who can physically be in your presence and maybe lead you further away from the darkness into the beautiful bright shining light of a healthy life again. But you are the one that has to be ready willing and able.
God bless you. Be as safe as you can be. You are in the most dangerous unsafe place of all in life – because of your own choices. I wish you all the best on your life journey – as it truly is YOUR life journey and you need support to get out.