She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Height of Confusion,
If you need someone to talk to come here, where ppl know what you are going through, can feel emapthy, care and concern for your feelings.
Please, for your own safety you need to get out, I completely understand the returning to the relationship, I did it many times myself.
But ask yourself, is this REALLY the kind of relationship you want to be in? He will NEVER change, yes, things might be good for a short time but they ALWAYS revert back to their uncaring selves, that is WHO they are.
You are in love with a dream, not trying to be harsh but it is the truth!
Reach deep inside yourself, find your strength and move on, for your own self preservation and happiness.
Being with a P is not a happy relationship and we deserve so much more.
No excuses for his behavior! Too much to drink or an argument does not give any man the right to lay hands on a woman! A sane, caring, sensitive, loving man would NEVER do that!
Please, find yourself in all this, look at what you really want in life, happiness, or this kind of relationship?
I wish you the best, I know what its like to not want to leave and be drawn back in, you will get there eventually.
Please, keep us posted on how its going, I have faith you will soon figure out life can be so much better for you, its a long process and difficult road, but in the long run, one worth taking.
Hugs and peace be with you.
Height of Confusion,
You said: “Not surprisingly he ended our relationship due to this and I have been devestated.”
What does that mean, Height? He ended the relationship due to “this”.
“This” being that he pushed you down the stairs? Or “this” that he was caught putting his hands around your throat?
And now you are happy that you are back together…..
You said : “but I can promise myself I will never do anything like that again to screw it up.”
The fact is HE screwed up.
How is it that you think that something isn’t going to “set him off” again in the future?
ANYTHING can set him off. He could be walking down the street and someone could give him the finger. And he might come home to you (afterwards) and start a “stupid” argument and push you down the stairs again, or WORSE.
This man is dangerous. You know it now. He has shown that dark side to you personally. This is NOT just his “past” anymore. Not “just” a part of his past, with his “ex” girlfriends. This now is a part of YOUR history with this man. And this is not something where you just wipe the slate clean, and start over….There is no starting over.
His violent behavior will return. It will escalate. You need help, but you have to be willing to let someone help you. Even the police can’t help you if you don’t press charges.
Please try to get out of the “haze” he has you in. ACTIONS speak VOLUMES. His words mean nothing.
You deserve so much better than this. But you are the only one that can make this choice. This choice for yourself.
I hope that you continue to reach out. But I fear that you do not realize how much danger you are in.
You are in a very unsafe relationship. You must protect yourself.
Well said witsend! I too hope she finds the strength in herself to get out, run, as fast as she can in the other direction, this isnt going to get any better, only worse. She is so internalizing all the issues and taking the blame herself. Any problem in my relationship with the P was projected back on me, always, he NEVER took responsibility for his actions EVER and his words never matched his actions either.
We all know the old saying “actions speak louder then words” I think this was written just for P’s!
I have a favorite of my own, the P took a kind of delight it in too, not amazingly. “When your mouth is open, your mind is showing” Now take the fact that every word out of a P’s mouth that has to do with love, caring, empathy, any emotion outside of anger is just words, lacking complete emotion (considering that is only a front and empty as they can not feel these emotions) and you will get a clearer picture of the P’s thought process.
Knowledgeempowers,
I really fear for Height. She is very young. And very caught up in the cycle of abuse. We hear it in everything she is saying. Yet I know that she can’t see it for what it is.
I feel very sad for this young girl. Especially since just recently we were again reminded of the ultimate damage that these creatures can do….In Mike & Des situation.
Dear height of Confusion.
I cant say anything that could be more eloquent than what LTL said up there.
I want to say that I am so glad you are posting. Keep posting.xxx
I am sure you’ve often heard these kind of relationships become like an addiction.
Imagine an addiction to alcohol: the alcoholic continues to poison themselves untill they have lost EVERYTHING and hit ROCK BOTTOM because the poison is THE most important thing in their lives even if it is going to kill them.
It is screwing with their perceptions and emotions. stunting growth. damaging brain cells. Affecting their ability to make sound decisions for themselves more and more the longer it goes on.
At the point where their lives are in real actual danger from taking POISON its is NOT about the poison being dangerous (which it is). But that they know this and are continuing to take it infact they are desperate to… and it often leads to death.
I have not heard of someone with a dependancy severe enough to put their life in peril on a regular basis get out of it without help, or I guess more importantly without seeking it for themselves.
There is support here. There is support out there, I hope you find it and the strength to take take take it.
You are already seeking help by coming here. Its a glimmer. Its hope. build on it.
I know you are in such a terrible situation. I dont underestimate how difficult this is.
*addition* Dont underestimate how dangerous this is for you.xx
Much love.x
can I suggest that you contact Donna who could maybe google you some telephone numbers and help resources in your area without you having to disclose it on here. You may not use them straight away but you will have them.
Witsend, I do completely understand what your saying, I hope anything I have said has not come across as too harsh or mean, it is not my intent.
I have been where she is at and its painful to see.
I wish her only the best and hope she finds the strength and enlightment that allows her the ability to see what he is and get out as soon as she can.
Knowledgeempowers,
I have not heard you say anything harsh! Your words are very uplifting. This situation is so very painful for all of us to see. That is the worst part of it. We all feel totally helpless to find just the “right” words to encourage, or to enlighten, in this situation. And we know that it will get worse. And we know that it can mean life or death. That is the worst, the knowing….
Thank you for clarifying witsend! Yes, I agree, painful to say the least. It is a frightening situation for sure.
HeightofConfusion,
You are describing the cycle of abuse in your post.
I am giving you two links. Think about what you learn and notice if it applies to your situation. There is a very predictable cycle in domestic violence. AND… even if the anger coming at your seems to have no rhymn or reason, that is part of the predictability as well. It is called “keeping the victim off balance.”
So please look at these links and think about them carefully. Maybe you could print these out at the library and keep them in your desk at work or somewhere that you can look at them over and over again as you consider how you may fit into this cycle. Don’t bother showing these diagrams to an absuer. It will make him angry or he will try to say this is what you are doing to him…. (as laughable as that may be).
Remember that it is his goal to make you believe that you are responsible for his abusive behavior. Don’t buy it.
Ihave pulled up some links about domestic violece. Each page has their own version of the domestic violence wheel of abuse. Look at this carefully.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
Read this page.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
This page has a national Domestic violence number which I will also include: 1-800-787-3224.
This link is to a support site for abused men… but the information is still good.
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page5.htm
Please read this page.
It is a common mistake to believe that your guy is different and your situation is different. But I am willing to bet that the information you will read on these pages will resonnate with you and over time, you will realize more and more how you are living a text book cycle of domestic violence.
Keep coming here. There is wonderful support and the readers are smart, compassionate, and they swing their skillets with passion.
We only want you to be safe and to find the strength to become your true self.
There is nothing you can do that deserves for you to be pushed down a staircase or hurt in anyway by someone who “loves” you.
I remember when I was with the Bad Man, I used to get the biggest leis (we lived in Hawaii) after an episode of his abuse. After awhile, the flowers became a symbol to me that told me, “I have just been abused” instead of a symbol of being cared for and loved.
Think about those honeymoon make-up cycles as evidence that you have just been violated… not as proof that he really does loved you. He doesn’t and the abuse will not stop until you stop it.
Definately seek the advice of a Domestic Violence organization as I have heard that with some abusers, the most dangerous time is when the woman tries to leave.
Good luck sweetie. You are loved and supported here as part of the LoveFraud Family.
Take care and be safe.
Aloha