She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Kathleen once shared a very empowering and powerful post to Height of Confusion — it touched on the fact the Height of Confusion may be in a place of wanting to/ and choosing to put her life in danger, or just not caring one way or the other what happens to her life – as long as he is a part of it – no matter what it takes – including him doing the unthinkable to her.
I admit I am quite frightened and out of my league in helping, guiding, counseling Height of Confusion.
Simply her screenname tells me she is SCREAMING OUT FOR HELP but refuses to acknowledge that. That its ok to need help and its ok to say I am so confused right now that the only thing that works for me is being with him…
Height of confusion – that is only one of your choices. That is NOT your only choice. Choose life…please choose your own life over losing it completely. If you had a baby girl, a daughter…or a cousin or a friends little girl — would you want her to be in the place you are? Would it be ok for her to tell you the guy she is with beat her, strangled her, cheated on her, uses her, lies to her, abuses her??
Why are you not worthy of the goodness in life? Why are you only worthy of terrible abuse? What have you done to deserve this?
You know you are in a dangerous place – and its ok with you… why is that? Is it because when you arent with him – you only have yourself?
you only have yourself? (sorry LTLxx)
I think the point is that she (thinks she) doesnt ‘have’ herself).
But what she Does ‘have’ is the addiction to an abuser…
Maybe she knows she’s there, but doesnt care…
Thats the starting place? for her to recognise? even if its just a little bit.
Thanks Blueskies,
I was thinking HOC does not like herself – and only can deal with herself when he is with her…
When she shared she cant even describe how happy she is to have him back in her life again (despite the fact that she states having him back in her life is having back the same destructive one-sided relationship again) – I was interested in knowing if HOC knowingly puts herself in this dangerous place = and it comforts her – because she is unable to be ok with being alone, being with herself — because maybe she didnt like herself?? Was just brainstorming – hoping to find out if yes thats part of it, or no that is way off base.
It was sort of “as well as or a layer deeper below the addiction” an awful uncomfortableness fearfulness of only having herself? Which is nothing to be uncomfortable with or fearful of — but I was wondering at her tender age if that was part of it..
apologies … I got my steam roller out:(x
Blueskies…
When I troubleshoot — I can be way off…Thats why I ask – to try to understand.
When you shared maybe she knows shes there, but just doesnt care..and maybe thats the starting point — that just might be the ticket!!
No apologies — I was just brainstorming outloud… when we dont agree — we have to get the steam out — I think what you bring to the surface as what might need to be the starting point is a good possibility.
Thank you for expressing when you dont agree with something. It makes me rethink my thoughts too…
Loves:)xx
Blueskies and LTL,
I believe both of you lovely ladies are correct. HOC is addicted and she doesn’t seem to like yourself. As Witsend said, she is so very young.
I’m going to take a journey into my own disturbing past with my ex husband. I was in my early twenties and very naive, very gullible, very vulnerable and ignorant.
I was also broken, depressed, dealing with pervasive feelings of abandonment, and just didn’t think I was worthy of being treated with kindness, care and love. HOC is exactly where I was 15 years ago.
My ex husband was verbally and physically abusive to me almost every day for 2 years. He tried to dominate me and considered me his possession to do with whatever he wanted to.
He didn’t respect me. He didn’t give a fig about my own individual identity and my innate need for independence. He only wanted his pretty possession to behave how he wanted. To always do what he wanted regardless of what I needed and wanted.
We had furious fights and when I’d had just about enough of his abusive garbage, the red rage would consume me and I would run to the kitchen in search of a sharp weapon to end his life.
He would split out the front door, knowing in his animal brain that he had pushed me too far and I was seriously going to hurt him. In the throes of wrath, I wasn’t thinking straight and considering the consequences of my actions. I didn’t care if I went to prison for murder; I wanted the abuse to stop. And I was going to stop it.
These horrible dramas were played out many times over a two year span. I really thought I loved him and he loved me. My twisted logic was that pain=love.
I didn’t know that that was false, untrue, a distorted, unhealthy perspective. How could I know the difference being the child of a psychopath who treated my Mom like dirt?
Not an excuse, I realize that now but as HOC is so young and probably in the same place that I was in my early twenties, she needs guidance and truth and reality repeatedly declared to her from the LF members.
And this is proven from the compassionate and wise words above me.
HOC, you are very brave to be here with us sharing your awful, painful experience with an abusive male. Now, sweetheart, will you listen to us wise old broads?
We’ve been where you are. Some of us many times with abusive males in the past. We are here to help educate you on such foolish notions that he will change and be a better guy. He won’t. It’s a pattern with these humanoids. They don’t get better but worse. Much, much worse.
My ex husband never loved me. He never cared for me. He never respected me. I was his little toy to be used and abused. That’s it. Nothing else.
When I finally kicked him to the curb for the last time, I was singing hallelujah for months. I hated him tremendously and fervently wished for him to vanish from the earth. He didn’t but he vanished from my life.
(edit: When I said I hated him tremendously that was only partially true. Yes, I hated the awful treatment I received from him but I was still addicted to his charming, beautiful face and body. It took a while to get over this but, thankfully, I was young and resilient.)
HOC, please focus on his despicable actions and cruel words directed towards you. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL!
You so deserve to be treated and loved with kindness, goodness, respect and consideration.
All of us do.
Hi Guys
Thanks so much for all the support – I really am touched. If I had known how nice everyone would be I would have shared what happened to me sooner.
I think the first thing I want to point out is just how out of order my behaviour was that night aswell, even a nice, calm “normal” person would more than likely have lost it with me that night. He tried many times to walk away and if I had let him I wouldn’t have been sitting in an emergancy room a few hours later.
The other thing I think is important is just how right some people are geting it when describing me. Statements such as:
“I was thinking HOC does not like herself ”“ and only can deal with herself when he is with her”
“My twisted logic was that pain=love”
” just not caring one way or the other what happens to her life ”“ as long as he is a part of it”
And many more are just bang on how I am feeling. The only thing I don’t think I agree with is changing therapists. Surely you can’t just move around until you find one who’s opinionss match your own or who says what you want to hear? I get on well with mine and feel I can open up and be honest with them – surely that is what its all about?
Nothing much to say about whats been happening in my life the last few days. Things have been good between us when I have seen him but we are not as full on as we were before. I really hope it goes back to how it was……
HofC – ‘I really hope it goes back to how it was— ‘
i don’t. i hope you figure it out and run like hell.
it is enormously painful to see you embracing your own destruction, instead of life.
i accept your estimation that your behavior, whatever it was, was out of order…..RED FLAG! the longer we stay the weirder and more fucked up we can get. And girl, there is NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. I have been there.
you’ve just lost a few more days of life you will never get back; once again participated in your own degradation and devaluation; once again affirmed that you are worthless.
how can it possibly be true that you are worth so little?
if you find this harsh and unhelpful, ignore it. i am only one voice here, there are many others. – keep posting.
best,
one step
Dear Height of Confusion…
I am going to tell you something …that you simply dont know…and have yet to learn or believe in…
No good decent person would ever strangle you…or be brought to the edge to land you in an emergency room. They would call 911, they would walk away strongly and firmly and remove themself from you…they would go back into the restaurant and ask for help…they would NOT VERBALLY ABUSE YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND TURN AROUND AND LEAVE YOU STRANDED…IF you tried to talk to them…a good peson would listen (even if angry) or at least say this is not a good time NOT HIT YOU, TOSS YOU DOWN STEPS, STRANGLE YOU.
You mentioned alcohol. You mentioned lots of verbal exchanges about “nothing”. And sadly in the end you mentioned being embarrassed by YOUR BEHAVIORS.. No mention of his….
What you refer to bringing him to the brink….you express it in the sense that everything is normal with you two leading up to an arguement – its not – its just what happens to two unhealthy people who are together feeding off of eachother. If Im in a healthy relationship once in a while I might get out of sorts and say something hurtful because Im confused — but if HE is healthy he will DISCUSS IT WITH ME – not assault me.
I just want to be clear that you are incorrect in saying “Anyone would have done to you what he did in that circumstance ” THAT IS NOT TRUE. You just dont know healthy good decent men. THEY DO EXIST…
Sweet girl, my thoughts are with you and have been the past few days. I finally think I understand a very small part of you — and I just want you to know — I would not like myself either if I kept staying in this situation. I dont know your history — but I think someone failed you along the way — and as a result you are resolved to be deserving of next to nothing in life – except somebody to call your “boyfriend”…
I hope you someday share your life story – what brought you to this dark lonely place you are in with another. We all have. We begin by sharing our present situation (what we are going through in an unhealthy relationship) and then eventually we share where weve come from that has allowed us to continue to make unhealthy choices in our lives, with others or simply letting the wrong people in or let them continue to stay in our for the all the wrong and unhealthy reasons. I am a strong believer in the fact that once it becomes clear we are in an unhealthy situation it falls on BOTH PEOPLES SHOULDERS. It doesnt matter whose fault it is, who deceived who, who played games with who….ONCE THE FIRST EPISODE HAPPENS – ITS UP TO YOU TO LEARN AND KNOW TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH, CARE ABOUT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO GET AWAY – GET THAT UNHEALTHY PERSON OUT OF YOUR LIFE. If you dont do that, it becomes working on yourself and finding out the reasons why you are CHOOSING TO STAY – CHOOSING TO WANT THEM – CHOOSING TO NEED THEM – CHOOSING TO LIVE IN DENIAL THAT THEY ARE TOXIC FOR YOU… Why are you choosing to keep him??
And I am curious when you say you really hope it goes back to how it was… what do you mean by that? Specifically – how was is back when? Do you mean in the very very very beginning? Do you mean when he was away in Jail? Do you mean before you both showed eachother who you REALLY ARE?
THANK YOU FOR POSTING…..I KNOW YOU ARE IN GREAT PAIN AND ARE SUFFERING AND THAT IS WHAT IS NORMAL FOR YOU, SAFE FOR YOU, COMFORTABLE FOR YOU – TO BE ABLE TO HAVE HIM/SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE SO YOU DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU.
But the choice you are making is going to cause you to lose your life. And thats the only day you will be able to say, this was my fault.
Please dont give him your life, your spirit, your soul. You were alive before him (but obviously dealing with issues) and you will remain alive and maybe even get healthier without him. When you are ready.
Also, are there drugs involved with one or both of you? That would explain alot too.. Take care