She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
ps – HOC –
Re: Therapy/Therapist
You are right it is important to get along with your therapist and open up and be able to trust him/her.
But that is just one small goal of a productive relationship with your therapist. Here are a few others :
Listening to their advice.
Making progress in removing yourself from an unhealthy situation
learning the tools to help yourself get to a healthier place.
Here are some signs that the therapist isnt a good productive match for you.
You cant be open and honest.
You find yourself STILL experiencing the same things at home, in relationships.
The amount of unhealthy unstable situations are escalating – your story is worsening — you land in a hospital E.R.
The therapy visit is just you talking, and then paying on your way out.
THERAPY is suppose to jumpstart you into making healthy life choices. Granted you have to WANT THAT otherwise you really are just sitting there talking being open and honest BUT NOT LISTENING AND ACTING ON THE ADVICE BEING GIVEN, IF ANY IS AT ALL!! 🙂
HOC,
There was a time where I acted out with the Bad Man. (once). I was so upset with his blaming and mind games that I called him names, yelled, and threw water in his face. I did this only once.
I recall that my Dad said something very wise. I told him that that Bad Man said that each person has to take 100% responsibility for their own actions. My Dad said, “That’s true but if a person hits you 100 times and you finally turn around and knock their block off, they need to take responsibility for how far they pushed you.” Good one DAD!
I didn’t like myself either when I was with the Bad Man… and that was why I was so hooked on him… because it seemed that a handsome hunk liked me more than anyone ever did. But in retrospect… I see now that my definition of someone liking me had to include that he verbally abused me, lied about me, cheated on me, belittled me, intimidated me, scared me, and so it goes.
Now that I think of it, this is not how I show others that I like them. Hmmmm. Something to think about.
Back to your excuses… you say anyone would have lost it with the way you were acting. I recall that one thing the Bad Man would do if I finally lost it and got upset about the nightmare that he was being… he would go completely CALM… that way,.. he could say it was me that was out of control… the FLIP.
Beware the way they spin reality. They are good at making us appear to be nuts to innocent bystanders. This is one of the most dumbfounding and upsetting dynamics.
Did you read any of the links and materail I posted in the link up above?
Height Of Confusion,
Even a good therapist can’t be helpful if they do not hear the whole truth. And if you are speaking the truth to your therapist, the therapist would be advising you to get out of this relationship.
The first thing you said in your post speaks volumes. You took on the responsibility for HIS action. As if to say that your behavior that night “deserved” to be pushed down the stairs. That is exactly what an abuser does. They twist it around so you believe it is all your fault. They tell you that it was your fault and they tell themselves it was your fault as well.
If he had had a gun that night instead of a flight of stairs the end result would have been different. But the STORY would have been the same.
Basically his story would have been “well if SHE didn’t piss me off, I wouldn’t have had to shoot her”……
Right now he has you thinking this….If YOU didn’t piss him off, he wouldn’t have pushed you down the stairs or put his hands around your throat.
That is how the abuser puts all the responsibility of HIS actions onto the victim. You are not accountable for his actions. HE is.
Your accountability in this relationship is to get out of it.
There is a definate cycle in an abusive relationship. And although you might be in the cooling off stage, (or so you think) it will escalate again to the violent stage. It always does.
Remember when you first posted awile back and you said he would NEVER be violent with you? That was something that happened in his past? And of course it must have been HER fault. Well now it is you that he has been abusive with. And now he has you thinking it is your fault….
The common denominator in all of this abuse is HIM. Not the women. Do you see the pattern here?
There is nothing you can do to “change” him. He is what he is LONG before you met him.
Please call a domestic abuse center in your area. Listen to what they have to say to you. Tell them your story. Maybe hearing it “outloud” will speak louder to you than the written word.
Do this one thing for yourself. Just call and listen….
xxxx
Aloha –
After rereading my post to HOC – I wanted to change my words from a “good/decent” person wouldnt do that — -to a “HEALTHY” person wouldnt do that.
Do you think today you would ever allow yourself to be in a place where you have to yell like that and throw water in someones face? Do you think youve found a healthier place to primarily be in and help guide you when making decisions with others?
Good/decent people can certainly get caught up in losing it with another – on various levels – because they didnt have the tools to deal with the blaming and mind games and twisting and flipping and manipulating. But I guess the point I was trying to make was that if HOC said to someone who was healthy “plz dont walk away, Im confused, I need you” and if she held on to him with all her might – if he were truly a healthy decent good guy – he wouldnt resort to beating her or strangling her. he would choose other options to deal with her/the situation.
I understand HOC’s thought process – in that she only wants to evaluate her participation in the nightmare – and she wants to focus only on what SHE did – and she does not see it was her knee jerk response to feeling and being abandoned and hurt and confused that she pursued him that night. But what she really doesnt see is that HE CHOOSES TO ABANDON HURT AND CONFUSE HER SO SHE WILL “LOSE IT”AND THEN HE CAN TOP IT OFF WITH HIS UNHEALTHY COPING/WAYS OF DEALING WITH STRESS BY BEATING HER AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS ALL HER FAULT. This is not a good decent healthy guy. A good decent healthy guy would never DO THAT.
But yes good/decent people can be drawn in to becoming physical by severe emotional abuse and a breakdown of even their own impulses can occur. If a person hits us once – its enough. If a person hits us 100 times – we arent making healthy choices by continuing to stay and they certainly arent functioning in a healthy way either.
It really is so hard to get out from – once we are in it. So damn hard. I hate that part the most.
LTL – beautiful post.
One step –
I just hope we all learn and grow from eachother. Every post here offers something for someone, they truly truly do. I just hope that something, some comment, some thought, some word from all of us will resonate with HOC enough to cause her to stop herself in her tracks and say today “Im worthy of liking myself – because I am unique and special” And in honor of that – I am going to take the first baby step toward loving myself — I am going to __________________.
Whatever it is – I hope HOC chooses to do that – instead of put her life in the hands of a very unhealthy, unstable, criminal partner ( a bad man) in her life who she cannot see the REALITY of through her confusion and pain and fear.
But if she looks inside herself she will see the person who NEEDS her to give her love and attention and best self to — is the little girl inside of her begging her to stop doing what shes doing and go ask for help, get help, call for help. I know she can do it for herself – because she is here AND she is bright and caring and loving and giving — just to the wrong person right now — HIM INSTEAD OF HERSELF – because she isnt feeling healthy right now.
ltl – I was harsh with her, but took the chance for this very reason – something MIGHT get through. And she really really needs to see her situation in the eyes of others. for what it is; grave, painful and just wrong.
HOC- so glad to hear from you even if you have nothing much to say about whats been happeing in your life over the last few days (THANK FRICK!:)x
Now I am going to be scarey…prepare yourself…
here’s a (((hug))) before hand just in case…
This last month, I saw a girl, a friend of my daughter’s who I have known since she was 4 dead in the ground at 18.
Because she did not care about herself.
I have met her parents… but from that pivotal moment in adolescence where you grow out of the naivety of being a child and SEE what’s going on for you…she was on a death wish. I GET why.
This girl WAS BEAUTIFUL, WAS extremely creative, not just talking about it, a naturally talented artist and photographer… a flippin great intellect in every way… but she didnt CARE about herself… not even a little bit.
She was sent to the best private school in the second city, had everything money could buy…???
The thing money couldn’t buy is self esteem… self possesion… for what ever (my theories may be and) reason.
She ‘jumped’ out of a moving car and died about a month ago.
After being packed off somewhere. Was probably off her nuts. whether pushed or jumped… ITS FRICKIN TRAGIC.
If she was pushed…I dont care how off her nuts she was…she should not have been pushed…
a WHOLE life of possibilities. Snuffed out. A future mother, a future contributer, a future everything!
I really hope you are talking to your therapist about your loss of touch with your survival instinct… and what YOU want for YOUR future
and I also hope that this person leaves you alone. even if that feels like the end of your world… it may help you find the beginning of it…
..and that you take the time afterwards to get the life that you need, and the things that make YOU happy.
Much love:)x
Blue –
Im sorry for the tragic loss of your friends daughter. Such tragedy in so many young lives – tragedy that doesnt have to be. :((
When discussing the loss, changes, choices we have to make to get away from a toxic person .. I found these words of yours to be most inspiring in the process of disconnecting ourselves from them:
“even if that feels like the end of your world” it may help you find the beginning of it”
and
“I really hope you are talking to your therapist about your loss of touch with your survival instinct””
Very well said… especially to HOC
I am in it. that anger is just coming and coming, grief is rolling out of me like waves on the shore ”“ with every exhale, grief, with every inhale, anger.
I talked to a business contact today, and ended in tears, crying about my family of N’s, batshit crazy people and my poor demented mom.
I have been really trying to keep it together until next week ”“ but I can’t. So, I have to figure it out ”“ how to finish the work of my ending contract when I am so distracted (PTSD anyone? Too bad you can’t make fucking canapés out of it), and overwhelmed by my emotional needs. I am fucked up!
I just noticed something ”“ and I’d like some feedback if you have experienced this, or just get a sense of what might be going on: I am recognizing this anger, while I am making lunch and moving around the kitchen ”“ I see my not putting things away, not taking care with thing the way I would usually ”“ and I SEE IT. There is all of a sudden a damaged sense of care”of things around me, of myself.
What’s the connection between this and anger? I remember being depressed and not being able to DO anything. What’s the connection between anger depression and self care? I remember seeing something years ago that posited that depression was anger (not as a symptom of depression) turned inwards.
What is this feeling to act out? And lose care for myself? Maybe it’s this energy of trapped anger ”“ maybe I am frustrated cause it is so hard for me to release/ allow the anger?! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!