She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
LOL @....... the bullshit bat – the phrases and words that get used here crack me up a bit (not mentally of course!)
I haven’t heard it yet blatantly in front of me but I know that’s the tack he’s taken – the rumor mill is in overdrive in my city. They commonly do this discrediting before we start to tell the truth – we just have to find one person who can see we’re not crazy and can tell we are full of the truth – then that one person sets the seeds of doubt in their character – that is if we can be bothered with the whole damned exposure thing.
Why should we warn the next woman? She is probably laughing at us and enjoying gossip with him about how nuts we were and what bad people – perhaps letting them find out for themselves is the best way – they can go through the hell we did in trying to find out what the hell is wrong. I am totally confident he won’t change – I don’t daydream about her having a better time than I did – I know she might right now but her turn will come just as mine did and just as the woman before me – they don’t ever change – they are incapable of it.
You girls are so right, of course. Pre-emptive strikes is one of the things these types are well-known for. I have a folder full (which is about an inch thick) of papers the monster has filed with the court recounting [my] “long history of mental illness.” It’s actually kind of commical when one reads it in cronological order and sees the escalation. In 1997, I was “depressed,” in 1988, I was “trying to commit suicide” by 2003, I was already wanted by the FBI. Really! This guy should be collaborating with Albert Broccolis on scripts for James Bond movies. What an imagination! Sadly, the individual has told my children the same exact things he has fabricated and has completed alienated them from me. His “new” wife is now issuing diagnosis of her own and asserts with great conviction that I am suffering from “Bipolar disorders” (her words in court papers, not mine!). While his equally Psychopathic lawyer claims that I am “Bi-polar” (his words not mine!).
As I always say, you just can’t make this stuff up! And still, nobody sees thru the bullshit, the lies and the malice.
Rosie says :
referring to her ex’s new victim
“Aah, she will learn what he’s really like in time..when she gets hit with “the bullshit bat”
And she will probably go through giving him 3 strikes maybe more until shes OUTTA THERE!!!!
No more 3 strikes you’re out anymore HERE- we are One and Doners now!!! Because we dont tolerate playas with the BS BAT anymore!!!!!!!!!
Good one Rosie! 🙂
LEARN,
“ONE AND DONERS” Yea! You have come up with the lastest LF MOTTO! Ah, yes! TOWANDA for you and a big Silver Skillet Award for that phrase—it is perfect!!!!!
As I was reading through the letters from my P-son to the Trojan Horse Psychopath, I came across several where he was “diagnosing” my short run of Bell’.s Palsy (where one side of your face droops for a while. I had had this checked out because those can be symptoms of a stroke and had MRIs, CTscans and the works so knew I was OK and it would resolve on its own, which it did) as “brain lesions” and so on based on the fact that I was NO LONGER COOPERATING WITH HIS WHIMS AND DESIRES. He went on and on in the same letters to his dupes (including my egg donor, my son C and the TH-P) about how they were FAMILY and FAMILY was everything, but poor old mom with her brain lesions had to be persecuted because she wouldn’t cooperate with them.
Also, I noticed in the letters to me going back to the first time when he was arrested for robbery, when he wanted something done for him, it was always for US, or WE need to do such and such to benefit US.
Having to go back through all this stuff did trigger me at first, but now I am just sitting here shaking my head in mock disbelief that I ever FELL FOR such dribble!
ONE AND DONE!!!!!
Oxy –
Even if you had shown him the literature on common causes of Bells Palsy (viral, inflamation of nerve, etc) he probably would have said you made it up!!!
I wish you didnt have to reread those letters. But if you must, Im glad you can do so with a new and improved minds-eye – that is able to see manipulation and unhealthiness in each letter.
Im jumping for joy – my first ever Silver Skillet Award!! Id like to thank the LF Academy visitors for sharing all of their life stories, input, advice and perspectives ..and the 3 greatest influences that inspired me to see I had a choice of how I want to proceed in life and make healthier choices in all of my relationships! – Oxy, Kathy and Louise… thank you! :)))
darn, Learn, you sound like you are accepting an academy award! LOL
Yea, he was a medical expert all right! It is actually laughable really, he thinks he is an EXPERT in everything there IS. He has spent his entire adult life in prison and that makes him an EXPERT on psychology, finances, and life in general including his MEDICAL NON-DEGREE. LOL
He IS very smart, tested in the 99.9Th percentile from the time he was in gradeschool, but you know, that doesn’t mean jack-schitz if you are so arrogant that you dont’ learn because, why bother, you ALREADY know more than anyone else in the world. LOL
The one thing I can see that he has learned though in his nearly 20 years total in prison is that he can quote the Bible and philosophers in order to con others, BUT it is only “profound” on the SURFACE, if you read it carefully, you can see that he is just using “words” and has ZERO concept of what they actually MEAN.
In one letter he wrote to my DIL (knowing she was having an affair) he wanted to sound SO PROFOUND so he was telling her the affair was OK because her relationship with the TH-P didn’t detract from her relationship with her HUSBAND, because (get this) “when you light one candle from another candle, it doesn’t diminish the light of the first candle.” ROTFLMAO
Then later in the letter, he told her she should “work on her relationship with her husband.” ROTFLMAO
I mean, HOW SHALLOW IS THAT?
So though at first it was painful to go back through these old letters, in the end it is really “cleansing” and reinforces what I already know. It may even be giving me some closure, like lancing and cleaning out a boil on my butt! A painful process but one that will lead to feeling better later!
From looking at this thing as an impossible and huge task I have some order in it now, both physically in the papers and emotionally in my mind! (((hugs)))) We CAN do anything we have to do to protect ourselves. I just have to pound that into my own “thick skull!” Thank you MaryJo B for that reminder. BTW if you haven’t read her book, it is GREAT!!!!
Oxy –
A silver skillet award is a big deal!!! I wanted to say thanks in a funny way with much seriousness about my appreciation for LF!!! Was just being goofy about it :))
Seems like one trait will be with your son for life– another life sentence — “he just uses “words” and has ZERO concept of what they actually MEAN”
Shallow and hollow…
Anything is possible when we put our minds to it – especially for the betterment of our good health and personal protection! Im glad you have reclaimed a sense of order with what youre dealing with both in a physical sense and in an emotional sense — your strength will always get you there!! xoxo
Dear Learned! Glad you liked the silver skillet award, cause I sure like the ONE AND DONERS motto!!!
And yes, sometimes we fall of the “horse” and lay oon the ground crying a while, but we DO ahve to get back up and get on that “horse” (or donkey!) and ride! I know that at least as well as anyone, but sometimes I too get triggered and throw a pity party for myself! But TODAY I am OK, and TODAY I am strong, and TODAY I am on the road to healing, and TODAY I will be good to myself and do what I have to do to STAY on the road to healing!
Fex Ex finally got through the snow and delivered my ink cartridge for my printer so I am back in business on printing out things and getting the package read to send off to the attorney!
We’ve come a long way LTL, and we are LEARNING, and we need to keep on learning and practicing our new behaivors and thoughts and keep it between the ditches on the road to healing!
Amen
Oxy, Towanda to you girl! Hey, do I get a back dated silver skillet award for the word ,”Spath-bait”?
I still think its a goodie!
more power to your skillet wielding arm!
Much Love,
GemXX