She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Thanks, Louise.
I’m not sure I can do that contract with myself that you do. The self-definition as a “fearless woman.” But I know people who can, and I always admire them. I think I’ll try it. It’s a lot faster than dealing with the noise. Just go for the gold.
Kathy
Dear Kathy, yyour above post IS AWESOME! I think it is the best thing you have EVER written! Thanks!
Oh BTW Christmas before last my son D and I made a CD of “leaving them” songs, starting off with Charlie Daniels, “Thank God and Graeyhound She’s GONE!” and “these boots are made for walking” and 10 or 12 other great “break up” songs! It is a great CD and very uplifting! Everything from Sinatra to punk rock! So whatever your favorite kind of music there are some great “take that” songs out there. Make you up your own CD and play them whenever you feel down about “missing him/her.”
I’ve been off here for a few hours reading through my P-son’s medical records that he had sent to me a couple of years ago, and guess what!!!!
I found a mental health note that says “ASPD Traits” and another full eval that names every thing from grandiose on to describe a psychopath! YEA!!!!! So my “evidence” is piling up into a large pile! The attorney will have lots of things to use. I also found that he had been lying to the medical providers too, claiming to be a seizure patient in order to get phenobarb, and claiming a motorcycle wreckk and a bad car wreck as a child. He DID have surgery at age 5 months which left a large scar on his skull (his cranial sutures were closed at birth) but he has NO seizures, never had any, never had any motorcycle wreck or car wreck! LOL
In reading through these records in detail I saw how he was using anyting he could to manipulate his situation, from what jobs he could get to what jobs he could not “do” because of his supposed seizures! LOL I LOVE IT! WHAT A PORTRAIT of a manipulator. He even used my son C’s step son’s (that he had never met or communicated with) illness from MD and subsequent death to get a different housing unit because the “noise” in the other area made his GRIEF worse! LOL ROTFLMAO Yet there were some of the medical and MH staff there that DID GET IT and I have documentation that they did, but only one mention of AXIS II (the cluster B area of the diagnosis sheet) ASPD “Traits” but enough for “government work” so I think at least I have that much and with the other documents, I think I can make a case that he is “Charlie Manson” if they let his arse out! DEEP BREATH here!!!! (Feel weight of the world lifting off my back!)
Some great stuff here on LF today too! Thank you all for your wonderful contributions!!!
Oxy:
What you discovered is the whole reason why your looking through these old docs!
It is just so valuable to do what your doing, to succeed in your goal…..present your case….
look, dig deep and keep on going girl!
Sometimes the most valuable information in right where we may have looked before!!!!
This is another example of why we should hold on to every scrap…..we just NEVER know what tidbit will be just the piece we need!!!
We learn, change and grow ……then we go back and see things we never wouild have seen before!
He may just develop a siezure disorder when he’s DENIED parole!!!
Thanks for sharing this info….I so remember several nights of ‘recon’ and going through stuff…..just to discover and feel this same feeling….HA!
I had boxs of year end stuff from the 80’s….before we were married….with bank statements,letters etc…of the S.
Those 19 year old bank statements were vital in proving that the vacation home was NEVER purchased by him……and I could prove he had NO MONEY!!!! For years!!!
I wrote the checks from my account, I paid utilities, taxs,mtgs……..he NEVER contributed…..so it proved it was NEVER community property….these banks were LOOOOONnNnnng out of business…..and no way I could acquire this info otherwise….
I keep a file box from every year….not big….doesn’t take a lot of space….and just shove them under the stairs…..with the year marked on them…..that’s it…..then you rarely ever look at em again….UNLESS……you need to!
SO….let this be a lesson…..keep it all folks….it’s just paper and it doesn’t take up much room…..you JUST never know!
Goooooo OXY!
Erin I heartily second you on keeping paperwork – I had it all filed year by year – no chance of arguing with it and he knows it. I kept every year intact and can find things from the start the middle or the end.
Thanks everyone for your illumination and thoughts on the concept of ‘stuckness’. I asked because I am suffering quite badly from it at the moment and never had before I met him. I seem to keep doing the bare necessities to tick by with life, but can’t muster up the energy to do more. I realise it is a FEAR definitely. I don’t hear a clear voice when I experience it so I can’t attribute it to a particular message from a particular person, but when I feel the feeling of being stuck on contemplating doing something new, the black cloud descends and sucks me into its vortex.
I used to get really enthused about doing things – especially if they were new or challenging. I loved learning about new ways to try things, now I will do endless research but not actually do that which needs doing. That said – the maintenance of life as it is takes up ALL day – I am not lazy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am just wondering where that vital energy has gone and what is happening with me.
Do you just naturally move out of it? Do you have to analyse it and tell it to pith off each time it comes up? Do you have to force yourself to move?
The book doesn’t divulge the answer to that. I am at the section on treatment and how the therapist should engage in relationship with someone who has been traumatised – it’s an excellent read. The author proposes a diagnosis of ‘complex post traumatic disorder’ for those who have been in endless captivity and wounded on a regular basis and I think since publication many yrs ago this term has been somewhat normalised. I am not a fan of leaning on crutches, but it helps me to understand that this is a normal cluster of ‘after effects’ from a highly toxic and harmful relationship – there’s something comforting in seeing a list of symptoms I can relate to. I can’t quite explain it but I have thought previously ‘well you’re just f$%#ed now and that’s all there is to it’. To understand that there is a healing path from this constellation of oddities is good 🙂
I like the idea of little slogans I can say to myself to pep myself up but to be honest they don’t work. I am sure if it could be measured I would have about fifty percent of the energy I used to have – my health is fine too – already checked that. I mean mental energy for changing things. This ennui is all encompassing at the moment. I am going to qualify it by saying ‘it is for now’ – maybe it just wants me to pay some real attention to it so it can go? Maybe rather than fighting it I need to accept it for now – would that work perhaps?
Erin – I can so relate to the lateness. I am pushing it in every way I can. I set a time to meet a friend and am consistently late each time. I used to always be early – I was known for it. What is going on here? I pay the bills because his behaviour with bills frightened me but if I hadn’t had that I am sure I would be the same with those. EVerything is put off till the last minute. I don’t understand it.
One step – thankyou for spelling out what fits for you right now. I am the same with wanting to just stay in bed or pick at food all day and lounge around the house. I used to be full of energy and a mover and a shaker = WTF???
Kathleen – thankyou for outlining your process and identifying fear as the basis of it. The more I thought about the statement re scanning the environment because anything I did had been thwarted the more memories that came up. He would sabotage anything I tried to plan or do – he would always spoil it in some surprise way that I couldn’t see coming. And if I took actions on my own I was ridiculed and criticised for the mistakes I made in doing them – I couldn’t win so I stopped trying for a long time. And now that I want to try, I lack the energy, impetus, attitude and knowhow. It’s so frustrating.
Is there a resource we could collectively develop to get through these common stages? I would be really keen to contribute to developing something from what we have all learned to help others – a workbook of some kind I am thinking perhaps with a CD of relaxation and guided visualisation techniques… would anyone else be interested in doing something like this???
I made a valentine’s card ”“ a place where we can write love: http://lfvalentinescard.blogspot.com/
midlife – i would be interested in making contributions. and creating a process for education also.
Louise – I like that saying Avoidance strengthens fear. I can also relate to the circular thinking of asking why? Maybe that’s part of why this is coming up for me at the moment. It’s almost like hitting a glass wall – you can see clearly through it what you want on the other side, but you can’t get to it and don’t know why.
I did take on the ‘fearless’ woman idea for a spell and got a couple of things done but it burned out – maybe the negativity swamped it or I wasn’t good enough at keeping the fearless image at the forefront.
Gemini – you are right – I am expecting miracles!!!It did indeed take yrs to get here – I just don’t want to live through any more pain. I had this image that when I got rid of him life would be radically different … and it is in some ways, but not how I expected it to be.
Thanks, Oxy. That means a lot to me.
I’m reading your posts about seeing the old stuff through new eyes. And now putting together things that will really make your case. I’m so glad for you.
Kathy
Awesome One Step = I am thinking a guided path through the recovery of toxic relationships – something that outlines common symptoms we have had and leaves space for people to write their own stories 😀 Let’s have a think over the weekend about what it might look like 🙂
midlife – i am remembering a line i read once – that depression was suppressed anger, and relating that to what kathleen said about writing out the resentments.
one of the things i expereince is that i can’t stand for things to be as difficult as they are. can’t stand the lack of affect i have on the world. for example – i do a ton of work to get a job, and don’t get it. this has to do with the economy here, and i am getting better at continuing and trying for the next job – but i get a bit more desparate, as I see my timeline shrinking. it is anxiety brought on by a fear of/ experience of lack of real world resources. and i see my sense of self worth erode when the world is not open to me. that’s how i internalize not succeeding.
now maybe it is one of those things, one of those great stories wherein the heroin discoveries that she is just rying to make the wrong things happen and uncoveries her true calling and the sky opens. and truthfully i want to believe that. but i also want to pay next months rent, and that is more important.
tonight I showed a friend my folder of ‘job search’ over the last three years. he went, ‘yikes!’
i have written so many resumes, puled and pinched and shaped my experience so many times, i don’t know what the truth is anymore.
i am not good with overload. i am sick. i am rambling, not connecting the dots i wanted to. i am going to bed.
night night