She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
midlife – um, my timeline is a little longer than yours 🙂
One step – you hit a nail on the head with that statement –
can’t stand the lack of affect i have on the world.
This is something I am struggling with too – the experience with the P really tore down my assumptions about how powerful I was in reality. I believed before I met him that I could do anything and everything. Being caged by him broke those assumptions and let me see how little I really am in the big scheme of things. It makes me feel powerless.
I hope you sleep well and feel better soon. I will hold both you and the job search in my ‘good thoughts’ and prayers – you have lots of people here cheering for you 🙂
Looks like weve all been going thru old stuff, {as Oxy is to find out more about her son in jail.} I printed out the entire section of “Profile of theSociopath, -the Kleckley and Hare definitions,and my spath daughter ticks EVERY SINGLE BOX!its totally uncanny!Its all there,Manipulative Conning,Pathological Lying, Lack of remorse,shallow emotions,lack of Shame and Guilt,, Incpacity for Love,Callousness, lack of empathy, Poor behavioural control,Early behavioural Problems. Juvenile delinquency,Parasitic Lifestyle,Criminal activity,Narcisistic and Grandiose,does not perceive anything is wrong with them,paranoid, unable to hold down a job for longer than a year,lack of realistic life plan,Irresponsibility,
failure to meet financial obligations, YES YES YES!!! This is HER!! and more!!It goes on to say they have no consciense, no capacity for remorse, condition cannot be treated, and if it is, they usually end up winning over the therapist, pass lie detector tests.It ends by saying,”The only thing to do is move on!”It also says that it now appears to have genetic causes, and that the Spath does not always have to have had a bad background asa child, in fact it says it doesnt seem to make any difference to their behaviour as adults., how they were raised.She ticks every single box!! And she will NEVER EVER CHANGE!!How clear is that!!Like Oxy, I am having to finally bury that dear litle girl, and realise, finally that she is dead and GONE and she aint coming back. This is the plain unvarnished truth, my adult daughter is a horrible person,she does NOT love me, she is totally indifferent to me,{so is her spath sister,} and NOTHING i did or did not do would have made a ny difference.”The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off! How true! Im getting stronger the longer I stay NC with her and her sister. Even looking at her pics in facebook triggered me again. Curiosity killed the cat! Its so hard to cut off your own flesh and blood, but fo my own survival, mentally emotionally and financially, I know I CANT see her or contact her again.very hard to do.Much Love to all you brave, courageous people in LF, who are dealing with all of this one day at a time. TOWANDA, Guys! And Love, Gem.XX
ML, beautiful post that says it all, from beginning to end! I could feel what you were writing with each word and understood it all. Thank you for sharing something that came straight from the heart.
midlife, YES and YES! I’m in that period of “stuckedness” at times, not making a move unless it’s absolutely required of me and that’s only because I have a son who needs his mother. For others, I kind of just “step out” for awhile.
As I write this, I’m thinking to myself that I am listening to a voice that comes from a worthless piece of humanity who has done nothing but hurt and take from others. THAT is a valid source of information and knowledge? An inspirational source? I don’t think so. I think my new slogan will be, “Anything he could do, I can do better.” And I can! The difference is, I do it in the REAL world. He just does it in his head.
EB, As I said, I’ve had those feelings, but when I follow the trail and dig deep, I find the source and it’s only a voice from the path. I also like FEAR stand for: FACE EVERYTHING AND RECOVER. And by damn, I will! We all will!
Mine has been trying to play games with our son. He had someone call here asking to have my son call him because he was sick with a virus. Now, my ex spath LOVES to be sick. He gets attention(he thinks) and somehow that means everyone else is going to want to give him what he wants. Somehow, the world is going to forget all that he’s done and he will actually turn right around and expect those he’s taken from to give him the most attention. NOT. He asks our son for FOOD. I’ve already started the process of him only being allowed supervised visitation and this is why. I did NOT fall for this and when the call was over (60 seconds), I calmly explained to my son that his father had money and could get food, that the food here was for those who lived here and for those who really did NEED food.
one-step, I’ve read the same about depression and anger and right now, I’m in the anger over the stupid things he’s doing. HE doesn’t know this because I don’t show him.
can’t stand the lack of affect i have on the world-yes, this fits those periods when I do nothing to a T. Even when I AM doing something and feel like I’m banging my head against the wall, I feel like this at times. I have to remind myself over and over again that I AM making a contribution to this world, I have a place on this earth for a reason and I’m one of God’s children.
For those who have children and MUST have contact with one of these #$%^^’s, I have found a direct correlation between the days when he has called here and my feeling lousy all over again and the days when he doesn’t. I feel far more empowered, happy and free. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but I’ve documented feelings and what not and found there is a direct link. My “stuckedness” comes in far more when there’s been contact, if only seeing his number come up on my phone. As for a picture-GAG.
ML. Thank you once again! I just read the following and I love it! Good points too. It all goes back to the fear of facing ALL of what we are at that given moment.
For me, the ‘stuckness’ is often preceded by a fear of something ”“ and often that fear is based on my misconception that I am powerless.
so I have a contract with myself it is: I am a fearless woman.
I made a valentine’s card ”“ a place where we can write our wishes for growth, life and love: http://lfvalentinescard.blogspot.com/
please spread the word.
best,
one step
Hi, All:
A variation on the “keep everything because you never know when you’ll need it.”
Yesterday I was cleaning out some drawers when I came upon a cache of photos, cards, mementos, etc of S-ex. As I flipped through them I felt sadness initially — especially when I came to the Valentine’s Day card which said on the front “Because of You I’m a better man” and inside said “Thank you for being the best part of my life.” I felt so sad.
And then I realized that sadness wasn’t the right emotion and I kept digging.
Up next was a stash of emails which I had printed out chronologically. There were the first ones from early August written in French (with translations), loaded with flattery. The print outs stopped abruptly with one dated October 1, 2007.
Looking back, I must have realized on some level that something was already wrong with the picture. You see, that email was his half-assed explanation (not apology) on why he stood me up for a date the previous night. Apparently he had gone to a party in Jersey City and gotten tanked. In the process he apparently left his cell phone there. Somehow he got back to NYC and had spent the day dying of his hangover.
The fact that he wasn’t supposed to be drinking since he was on parole, having only been released from prison less than 3 months earlier escaped him. The fact that he wasn’t supposed to leave the state (NY) without his probation officer’s permission (yes, NY to NJ qualifies) escaped him. And the fact that he lost his cell phone was no excuse and he should have hauled his sorry ass off the sofa and walked to the 2 blocks to my place to cancel in person or looked up my building’s phone number and called my doorman and asked him to deliver the message to me escaped him.
Apparenly it didn’t escape me. Because I came across a bill from the bar at the Ritz Carlton where I had summoned him the following night because we had to talk.
That was the night where I ignored my initial gut feeling that something was off. That was the night where I proceeded to ignore a whole parade of red flags. How he told me about how he got addicted to drugs after his mother was rendered brain-dead after a stroke (lie, long-time user). How he had just been released from prison 3 weeks before we met (in a bar) and how he didn’t want to bring the problems of being an ex-con had to my doorstep (pity play). And, of course, how he loved me (the hook).
And I fell for it.
I kept digging and I saw how, now that he had me hooked, how the dynamic changed in our relationship. There was the receipt for the dozen roses I sent him the next day. There was the receipt for the blackberry and 2 year contract I bought him the next week (I also remembered how 2 weeks later he traded it in for chump change so he could get an iphone). Then I tripped across photos taken at the engagement party of a couple he was friendly with which were taken a few days before New Year’s Eve 2007.
Those photos signaled the dawn of full-fledged assault by him. The friend’s asked us if we wanted to go down to New Hope to celebrate the holiday. He told them we’d love to. A few days later, they had made all the arrangements, but couldn’t reach him to confirm. I was hesitant, but they reminded me that he said he wanted to do this, so I gave them the go-ahead and said if we couldn’t go I’d cover our share of the expenses.
Once we got to the inn his behavior became abominable and I was his verbal punching bag. When his friends set up the jacuzzi for S-ex and I (candles, flowers, etc) to celbrate our 6 month anniversary, he was nasty as hell to me when I tracked him down and lit into me about even telling them about the 6 months. He wrecked the holiday.
More receipts, more photos, more mementos. All these little things I saved from the moments he was “nice” to me. A baggie with a rose in it which he took off a restaurant table and gave to me. An empty chocolate box. A piece of wrapping paper. I began to feel so pathetic.
Then I came across my wake up call — the airline ticket bill for the trip to Greece. That damned trip to Greece. That trip will go down in history to rival other great disasters in history — the Chicago fire. The sinking of the Titanic. The massacre of the Hugenots. Greece. Where we arrived and he promptly ripped off my neighbor’s villa. Where I paid for everything. Where I got nothing from him except grief. I got angry.
Then I grabbed the whole lot and tossed it in the fireplace and burned it all.
So, the moral of this story is hold onto whatever information you think you’ll need in court or in your dealings with your S-ex. But, anything that is purely emotional in content, get rid of it. You don’t need the triggers.
I agree Matt.
I dont know how this will come across out of the blue, but this is the e-mail correspondance with – as Oxy says – my ‘egg doner’ (ED)just before I went NC in July.
I think I still need someone ELSE to see it:( – I am having such trouble with the enormity of how I feel about everything (after the sociopath)…so I apologise for the personal and crazy essay that is about to ensue…:(
I think I would also appreciate brutal honesty from anyone who wishes to comment.x
This woman, my mother, Has a TRAIL of broken lives, disordered and abandoned children (6 grandchildren that ‘didnt exist’), a history of heroine dependancy, violence towards her spouse and children FACT. has been supported her entire life by the old family wealth (and them not wanting to air ‘dirty laundry’)and wears the face of the perfect middle class woman.
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(Blue) My personal problems apart (and yes I AM aware that I am severely depressed aand a bit off base) I would really like to find a way to sort out our underlying issues with each other.
I love you both very much, but just not able to cope (and never have been what ever my social or mental state) with the ‘family dynamic’, I would love to change it so that it is easier just to ‘be’ with each other.
I find the shifting goal posts and double standards we display with each other, painful and confusing. I wish here was a way to iron them out for good.
I think I would like to know ( properly and respectfully not an excuse for a slanging match) what your expectations of me are as a sibling and as a daughter. I don’t know HOW to be in order to gain your affection or approval or if I ever truly could.
I would really like the opportunity to talk candidly and without anger and lots of understanding about this stuff.
I can tell you about things from my perspective too, but for that to be in anyway useful, it cannot be disregarded, devalued, or written off as paranoia.
Our expectations of each other, and habits of treatment of each other are really out of balance and causes (me at least) an awful lot of pain on a daily basis.
I would like to hear your thoughts about how these things,that have been going on for so long, can be resolved once and for all.(oooh I can hear the response coming… we just dont want YOU ***** it’s all your doing, becuase YOU are NASTY! lol! – I hope I dont get that, it would just about finish me off!;)
*Blueskies*
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Dear ******,
It just seems to me that I am loving and ‘normal’ and kind and supportive to you all the time no matter what, and you are occasionally extremely unpleasant, accusatory, jealous, aggressive etc etc often out of the blue. It is pretty awful to experience and always shocks me out of thinking of you as my wonderful daughter and friend – and reminds me of your darker and meaner side.
Familily dynamic or what – this is surely up to you to stop being nasty and aggresssive out of the blue for no reason.
And for the record, ***** is not ganging up with me to do whatever to you. When I am with ***** the conversation is about ******’s interests and the baby – you are not really discussed except if an arrangement has been made or as part of a conversation about something nice we did together.
I have not read your e-mail properly – but I will. I do find it annoying that you can be hurtful and nasty to people well me anyway – and not take any responsibility for your selfishness.
It’s all about you you you all the time. You are the only person who is suffering – no matter what jewels good times are bestowed on you, they should always have been some other thing bestowed some other way at some other time etc etc. Gift horse/mouth all the time. Perhaps you should look at how cruel you are to those around you.
I don’t know what you are talking about when you say shifting goal posts as there are no personal goals set for you from my direction – goals are about personal things and work etc so that is your domain. Ditto double values. What on earth do you mean. I am pretty straight down the line always and have always been an adherent to the ‘right way’ and the ‘truth way’ in life, not being a game player at any time. How absurd that you should think that I play some kind of daft game with my life, it makes me realise that you do not know me at all.
Perhaps it is true that you just use people, and get mad when they will not jump when you say jump.
Your accusations and fantasies regarding my motives anyway are paranoid – there is no doubt of that – as they are a miserable distortion of the reality and usually rather vicious too.
If the cap fits wear it. We are all capable of being paranoid and I read in last week’s papers that 37% of the population are paranoid to a greater or lesser degree – so it is not unusual. Paranoia misreads reality however and attrubutes intent/hurt where there is none. In this way it is unfair, untrue and in some ways even immoral. To accuse a good and decent person of malicious intent is profoundly unkind.
I am sorry you are suffering, but you have doled out a lot more suffering to other methinks.
But other people’s suffering are not as big or important as yours are they.
Nothing happened last time we wer together except that you got nasty because I was sympathetic with you, when you probably were looking more for a row and reasons to kick off. It did not take you long to come up with a good ‘kicking off’ reason. You were the angry one. I was just verbally beaten up and yet again utterly bemused.
How am I supposed to be the one to bow to some wierd notion that its alright for you to be unpleasent to me and that it must all be my fault for saying or doing something that is not utterly to your liking. Your liking seems to change from minute to minute and word to word, so anything said at all is bound to offend in some way isn’t it.
i can’t win in this, and being like anyone else in that I do not like nastiness in any form, then I have to get out of the way when I am told to leave etc.
Is is worth the bother? I can promise you here and now that I will not change from the person I am as I think I am kind, helpful, tolerant and sensitive to needs. I am glad I am like that, but do not like being ‘beaten up’ on a whim.
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(Blue) Okay, well I was hoping NOT to get an abuse filled reply☺x
I am not acusing anyone of anything, I am trying to find a way to sort things out between the three of us in a civil and meaningful manner. Without insults or blaming or finger pointing, playing people off, back biting, its all gone on too long, for as long as I can remember life!
I DO take responsibility for my own behaviour and sincerely apologise ( and have) for the times I have been so angry that I have lashed out unfairly.
What you have said here is once again above and beyond, and it is a shame that this dynamic (this is not a laughable statement is it?) is something that could go on forever.
I will not waste time and open myself up to further hurt by asking the specifics of what you see as my cruelty to those around me, how I have used you, what jewels and good times have been bestowed that i have not been grateful for, even if , I believe it would help me to know, I really cannot take much more.
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The language you use here is SO hurtful it takes my breath away.
am sorry, I know I said I wouldnt, but I feel compelled to answer your statements,I cant let you hurt me like this without saying something…
(ED)Dear *****,
It just seems to me that I am loving and ‘normal’ and kind and supportive to you all the time no matter what, and you are occasionally extremely unpleasant, accusatory, jealous, aggressive etc etc often out of the blue. It is pretty awful to experience and always shocks me out of thinking of you as my wonderful daughter and friend – and reminds me of your darker and meaner side.
(Blue)I feel that it is you who is unable to take responsibility for your actions if you think you have spent your whole life being kind and supportive to us all.
My darker and meaner side? I see this as nothing more than extremely abusive language designed to hurt and belittle me, when I have asked and hoped that we could talk without such abuse.
Out of the blue suggests no preceding factors… are you seriously telling me that everything has been just hunky dory and I get upset ‘out of the blue’? or are you just trying to deny my right to disagree with you or to feel angry… because that is called emotional abuse.
(ED)Familily dynamic or what – this is surely up to you to stop being nasty and aggresssive out of the blue for no reason.
(Blue) You are seriously saying that the years and years of problems in our family have been because I wasn’t being ‘good’? And because I am nasty? Me alone? (wow I MUST be evil)
(ED)And for the record, *sister* is not ganging up with me to do whatever to you. When I am with *sister* the conversation is about sisterss interests and the baby – you are not really discussed except if an arrangement has been made or as part of a conversation about something nice we did together.
(Blue)I have not mentioned a word about you and ***** ganging up, this is called PROJECTION, and it is is exactly the kind of attempt at manipulation that I am sick to near death of.
ED*I have not read your e-mail properly – but I will. I do find it annoying that you can be hurtful and nasty to people well me anyway – and not take any responsibility for your selfishness.
(Blue)I feel that this is devaluing my attempt at sorting things out and my email in order to perpetuate the problems. I believe that I am taking responsibility by trying to sort the problems out. I AM willing to take responsibility for the way I have behaved that has hurt people, but I do not want to be a scapegoat.
(ED) It’s all about you you you all the time. You are the only person who is suffering – no matter what jewels good times are bestowed on you, they should always have been some other thing bestowed some other way at some other time etc etc. Gift horse/mouth all the time. Perhaps you should look at how cruel you are to those around you.
(Blue) This is also called PROJECTION, If you think I have been cruel to the people around me, I want specifics.
I want specifics of those gift horses I looked in the mouth, and how you KNEW how ungrateful I was…I cannot remember being ungrateful for anything. Specifics, not sweeping statements… I need to know why you all hate me so much.
Yes I am suffering. I am by no means expecting to be the only one on the planet, , but yes I AM suffering…!
ED*I don’t know what you are talking about when you say shifting goal posts as there are no personal goals set for you from my direction – goals are about personal things and work etc so that is your domain. Ditto double values. What on earth do you mean. I am pretty straight down the line always and have always been an adherent to the ‘right way’ and the ‘truth way’ in life, not being a game player at any time. How absurd that you should think that I play some kind of daft game with my life, it makes me realise that you do not know me at all.
(Blue) okay, fair enough… maybe they’re not games.
Perhaps it is true that you just use people, and get mad when they will not jump when you say jump.
(Blue)Please be specific, I have used you in WHAT way? I told you I wanted to talk about our expectations, if I have expections of you above and beyond that of my mother then they need adjusting…be specific( and vice versa)
(ED)Your accusations and fantasies regarding my motives anyway are paranoid – there is no doubt of that – as they are a miserable distortion of the reality and usually rather vicious too.
Blue*I think this is using nasty abusive terms and it hurts me.
(ED)If the cap fits wear it.
(Blue)I feel that this is another extremely nasty statement.
(ED)We are all capable of being paranoid and I read in last week’s papers that 37% of the population are paranoid to a greater or lesser degree – so it is not unusual. Paranoia misreads reality however and attrubutes intent/hurt where there is none. In this way it is unfair, untrue and in some ways even immoral. To accuse a good and decent person of malicious intent is profoundly unkind.
(Blue)I did not mean to be unkind, I was trying to sort things out, and cannot find in my initial e-mail where I accuse you of hurtful intent, but if you want to know, yes I do feel that you have done some very unkind things over the years. It is not my paranoia, it is REAL hurt to people. but maybe you did not intend to.
ED*I am sorry you are suffering, but you have doled out a lot more suffering to other methinks.
(Blue)Again – specifics please!… The tone of this mail seems to convey to me that you are not at all sorry for my suffering, rather that you resent it, so I dont think that was the language to use, unless you were being sarcastic…?
ED*But other people’s suffering are not as big or important as yours are they.
(Blue)Tell me of your suffering, and tell me of a time when you have told me and I have been unsympathetic…specifically…
(ED)Nothing happened last time we wer together except that you got nasty because I was sympathetic with you, when you probably were looking more for a row and reasons to kick off. It did not take you long to come up with a good ‘kicking off’ reason. You were the angry one. I was just verbally beaten up and yet again utterly bemused.
(Blue)I feel that you are devaluing me by saying nothing happend, it DID, I simply will not have you sitting there complaining about *daughter* or the way *sister * is dealing with the baby( oor her complaining about you or wish to complain about you her or *daughter*) anymore!. I told you before on your Birthday.
ED*How am I supposed to be the one to bow to some wierd notion that its alright for you to be unpleasent to me and that it must all be my fault for saying or doing something that is not utterly to your liking. Your liking seems to change from minute to minute and word to word, so anything said at all is bound to offend in some way isn’t it.
(Blue) Nope, only the offensive things offend.
I have no notion at all of it being ‘alright’ for me to be nasty to people.
(ED) can’t win in this, and being like anyone else in that I do not like nastiness in any form, then I have to get out of the way when I am told to leave etc.
(Blue)There is nothing to win.
I am glad you left, I was not wanting to sit and listen to you going on about how dissapointed with Daisy you were for a moment longer.
(ED) Is is worth the bother? I can promise you here and now that I will not change from the person I am as I think I am kind, helpful, tolerant and sensitive to needs. I am glad I am like that, but do not like being ‘beaten up’ on a whim.
(Blue)Neither did we.
No Narcissists do not change, they are incapable, of seeing that they have ever done anything wrong and will forever walk around in the illusion that they are nothing but kind, helpful, tolerant and sensitive to needs.
Life is unbearable.
– Show quoted text –
(ED)I am very sorry I tried.
(Blue)Regarding on the phone right now; you said that the fact that you hit me as a cild was a DISGUSTING LIE? but that you were TOLD to do it by others that anyway I ENJOYED IT????!!! I did not ‘enjoy’ being beaten as a child!!!! That is by far the SICKEST thing I have ever heard you say. I wonder if YOU’LL ever appologise for it oh – kind giving and NORMAL (?????) one?
(ED) If you remember correctly.
You were the one doing all the biting beating and hurting to others, including the welfare visitors (x2) and the psychiatrist (senior consultant) at Selly Oak. Plus everyone else when you were in a temper.
I most certainly did not ‘beat’ you as you know too well, but occasionally smacked you in precicely the way I was advised to – but it did not work so I gave it up as you seemed to actually enjoy it. It was like you had wanted some kind of reaction other than kindness, as you just bit and scratched people who hugged you or tried to comfort you.
The physhciatrist said you were highly self interested, not caring of damage to others and property but enjoyed being the centre of a drama. He said that you were ‘a proper little madam’ and that he was ‘sorry’ for me as you had inherited a ‘personality defect’. I was disgusted with his diagnosis, but all the following advice from medics were along the lines that you should be punishedand osracised for bad behaviour and praised for good – carrot and stick. *****infants had to be talked round after your attack on the headmistress, and upsetting of staff and pupils generally.
The advice I was given was that I should religiously ignore all your screaming etc physically pick you up, and put you in a room or place by yourself until you stopped kicking and screaming. If you bit or scratched I should smack you on the legs or bottom. This was useless as you would break everything and damage the doors, walls, people etc, and it really upset me to think that there was somthing so wrong with you.
considering the damage you did to me ( I had around 8 years worth of bruising and bites to my body) and to supermarkets shops etc where you would try to pull down displays, break stock up etc, you had a pretty easy time. I was always the one to carry you home and I was the one to get all the bashes.
I see you have forgotten all this. And all the way through I was so worried about your ability to learn at all, your ability to get on with other children, with staff, with the family. So many ‘friends’ said that you were spoiled, or trying to get attention and they did not understand why I so called ‘let you get away with it’ all the time. I really really wanted you to be aware of others and your responsibilites regarding our own behaviour. I really wanted you to have a normal happy life, not be a frightening self centred monster.
So maybe you are remembering now how hard everyone worked to include you, to forgive you, to prevent ‘fireworks’ all the time. You got your education, you ended up with talents required for self sufficiency, but all the time being angry and dissatisfied with everything. You were given the stars and the moon but you obviously prefer darkness and conflict.
As the nasty psychiatrist said at the time’ you would drain your family’s emotions and there would be no rewards at the end of the day. He said you may grow out of your behaviour pattern but that it was unlikely – hea had seen it all before.
Dr —— on the other hand said he had every belief that you would become better self controlled as you matured and that you would ‘grow out of’ your tantrumming behaviour as you realised it brought no social or personal rewards.
But here you are at ** still trying to make trouble for everyone and still blaming everyone and still reveling in your own misery and malfunction. The tragedy is that all you family are dragged into this all engrosing activity of yours and everyone is made to feel bitten and bashed continually to please your appetite for hatred and anger.
You are obviously capable of being kind, thoughtful, wise and considerate – why not try to keep it up for longer periods of time. You have such a good intellect and have so much talent. It is about time this nastiness stopped and gave way to a decent, uncomplicated, unspiteful, honest you.
(Blue)This shows you up for what you are.
The wording you use here is SICK.
I have a child with ADHD, who had a LOT of trouble settling into school and adjusting, settling down, shouts out, has temper tantrums that are off the chart, had me in tears not going to bed and up untill 12 on a work night, and it is tough I can tell ya, but believe me, the day I talk about him or to him like this is the day hell freezes over.
I am, in a way, glad that you put this in writing,
So with all these health professionals involved, there was some kind of diagnosis right? This ‘personality defect’ – was what exactly? What treatment did I get (apart from ‘smacking’ until I liked it)? Do you have the names of said professional who advised you to hit us?…..
Worried about my ability to learn? What action did you take?
Dont you dare tell me that your violence towards us is a fantasy of mine one more time.
Let alone trying to scapegoat little girls (which is so beautifully illustrated in your previous mail) THE absolute WORST part of your abuse is your COMPLETE DENIAL of it and TOTAL lack of remorse.
– Show quoted tex
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear *****
I doubt if you were ever abused by anyone. You had a lot of attention and love when you were little. Nobody who was close to you wanted to label you or cause you embarrassment. They just did their best to help you, to comfort you and to try to prevent you being in destructive rages all the time.
I think in the main that you were the main ‘abuser’ around if an innocent but troubled child can be called such. Most people are committed to doing their very best for an unhappy child as it is terrible to witness destructive behaviour. In spite of the comments of shopkeepers, outsiders and people not in the know, the effort to improve an unhappy child’s life is always worth it at the end of the day.
If this is your latest favourite flight of fantasy to enjoy feeling put upon, or to blame everyone for imagined misdemeanors then go ahead and enjoy. I am used to being verbally abused by you and it no longer shocks me or hurts me as deeply as I am sure you would like. It is just sad that you never count your blessings or realise how loving people are and how hard they have worked towards your happiness and independance.
Good luck in your world of self pity and cruelty to others.
____________________________________________________________
This is now going in the trash and the trash is being deleted.
Whether it IS me or not – I am no longer going to try to sort it out with ED.
🙁
blueskies:
It’s all there, the circular logic, the word salad, the manipulativeness and the pity play.
Trash it.
blueskies,
First of all (((BIG HUG)))
I am at a loss for words. There is some really painful stuff said in those emails. And it is hard for me to even imagine that this is your mother saying this to you.
What I see is alot of projection. Alot. All of her stuff onto you. And I also see a total lack of any “owning up.” However significant or insignificant anything she ever did might have helped to create the family dynamics that now exist. There is nothing ever said to apologize for anything or to even have any small bit of understanding of how you might be feeling. Or a little compassion of why you feel that way.
Its what I call “circular” conversation. (for lack of what to call it) No matter what you say it is all twisted around and always comes back to you.
You can never just get a simple answer to one of your questions. Or even validation that you asked a legit question. Its like you never asked the question.
Its all attacking.
I don’t know that you can ever sort out such a painful past as far as having any KIND of ongoing relationship with your mother. I can see why you went N/C.
The only thing you can try to do is heal from the inside out. Be kind and loving to the inner child in yourself. Try to repair the damage of that little girl by mothering her yourself. I know that is easier said than done. But Kathleen talks about this alot and maybe reading some of her older post can be helpful.
I am still trying to look back in my own childhood and alcoholic father and repair that damage.
Maybe it is really a lifelong journey. I am begining to think so.
Maybe don’t so much try and “sort it out” with ED. My father is dead so I can’t even entertain the idea of sorting anything out with him anymore.
Sort it out within yourself. I would delete these emails if I were you. You don’t need them.
xxxxx