She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Thanks witsend and Matt.xx I feel bad for dumping that. but yes delete delete delete. It’s done. I have nowhere else to go with it. just wanted someone else to see it….I dont think that conversation would have come about, without the horrible wake up …and I am SO glad LF is here. Lovesxxx
Blueskies,
Don’t feel bad for dumping that here. Sometimes “dumping it” can just take the smallest of pressure off, of holding onto something like that all inside of you.
xxxx
Valentine’s Day – bah hum bug – who’s idea was it anyway?
Dear Blue,
My gosh are we siblings? Do we have the same egg donor? It must be some close relationship! LOL It is obvious they think a like! But that’s okay, cause you are a great sibling and we are NOT like them. They may have wounded us, but you know the ONLY emotions they have are anger, rage, self agrandizement, narcissism, entitlement, etc. NO LOVE, no caring, nothing good. I am glad if we had to come from such twisted Eggs that at least we didn’t get all their genes or become like them.
As I am going through my P-son’s letters and documents and seeing him through different eyes, I SEE how dispicable he is, what TRASH he is. In his letters he talks about how the OTHER people in prison are TRASH, and he just has such a difficult time associating with those DUMB trashy people that it is just “terrible” there is no one there on his EXAULTED level of intelligence and CULTURE. ROTFLMAO He is the worst of the worst, and so crude and UNcultured he would never be able to make it in a “polite” culture. He is JUST ANOTHER TRASHY LOW-LIFE CONVICT without a single redeeming feature to his name.
As a child he had EVERY opportunity, from private schools, to every gifted and talented program in the books, and religious and moral education, good examples, mentors, etc. and what did he do with it? HE DECIDED TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL CRIMINAL, and wasn’t even good at that, so now he is a professional convict. Yea, he’s smart,, but that doesn’t mean jack-scheet in this world if you don’t use it for anything except to con and manipulate others.
He reminds me of “Tea-Bag” on the show “Prison Break,” he is just that low and just as disgusting.
I am so mad at myself right now for ever being conned by that piece of crap, even if I did give birth to him. He pulled the pity play wool over my eyes for soooooo long and I allowed that! I think if I had been where I could have visited him more often (he was hundreds of miles away so there was very few physical visits).
I did notice though that in 2006 when he was starting to pull the long-con on me by sending his his ex cellmate to infiltrate the family, that he went from about 1 letter every week or two to almost one letter a day for 2006 and part of 2007, sometimes 2 letters a day—4-5-6 pages long. Each ending with “I love you sooo much!” Yea, right!
Of course every time he went to solitary or got transferred to another prison for rules infractions it was ALWAYS a put up job. Because they do a “physical exam” every time they put a prisoner into solitary, in his medical records there is a physical exam labeled “pre-solitary” so I can find the dates of each time he went to solitary, and when he got transferred. So actually I am using the letters to do a time-line on his trips to solitary etc. sort of get an overview of how he lied to me and how I fell for it. It isn’t emotionally draining like it was, and in fact, I think it is bringing me some closure to the “mystery” of what his life has really been and what he has done.
It is also bringing me to the place that I can accept that some of the things he was doing I KNEW ABOUT—like when he was sleeping with the female major—and I didn’t do anything about it, or cut off contact with him and KEEP NC with him. I did go NC a time or two but always got talked out of it, just like my Egg Donor has been. There is always that part of the picture is that some of this stuff I “trivalized” or looked over and I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. So I am also having to come to grips with my OWN behavior as well, and some of it is not stellar or something I am proud of.
I’m at a point right now that I wish they would bring back the chain gang and put him on it—or Devil’s island. Prison as it is is no picnic, but he is not feeling “punished” at all, just restrained and he hates that. But that is the consequence he has made for himself by taking someone else’s life and being proud of doing so.
Blue, there is nothing we can do to make our Egg donors see what they are or have done, any more than I can make my P-son realize what he has thrown away. But we can come to some closure about it, even if we have to make our OWN CLOSURE because they are not going to, they aren’t capable of doing so. (((((((BLUE))))))) God bless!
Blueskies,
What strikes me about that correspondence is that the two of you have completely different memories and feelings about those memories. And maybe that’s a place for you to start, in terms of resolving it for yourself.
You can’t change her. I don’t know if there is anything pathologically wrong with her. There may be, but it’s not clear from her writing. She does clearly have a lot of history with you, or thinks she does. and that undoubtedly colors her attitude toward you now. But whatever is her truth, your truth is different.
It’s pointless to argue at this level. She remembers what she remembers and feels what she feels about it. You can’t change that.
Where this all starts to break down is that she doesn’t seem to be able to acknowledge that your have your own memories and feelings about them. She characterizes this as “more of the same.” And you feel unheard and disrespected. She doesn’t want to hear how it was for you, or how you feel about it today. And it would probably be most useful in dealing with her to explain that these are your feelings. She doesn’t have to agree, but you need her to understand that your have own feelings, and they are real for you.
If she wants to make that about your pathology, whatever she imagines that to be, she is negating you. She is not allowing you to speak, or refusing to allow you the right to be who you are.
In a way, you’re doing the same thing. You want her to be different. You can’t get that from her, anymore than she can get it from you. She is who she is. And she’s within her rights to tell you that she’s not going to change. It’s not fair for you to ask her to do so.
But what you can say, and should say, is how you feel about what goes on between you today. If have feelings about something she’s doing, you can tell her that. She may turn around and say, “You only feel that way because you’re a troublemaker.” But that’s negating you. And you can respond with say, “No, I feel that way, because I find what you’re doing disrespectful to me (or to someone else) and I don’t agree that anyone knows how to run someone else’s life better than they do. It feels disrespectful and makes me uncomfortable. I need to be around people who treat each other with respect.” Or whatever it is that you do feel and think.
The trick in authentic communications is to speak about you. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Your own viewpoints. Your own needs. Try as much as possibly to be respectful and keep from blaming. But identify the situations that provoke feelings in you, and do not meet your personal needs.
I tried to do all that in the quote above. But the basic template for this kind of communications is:
1. When (something specific) happens,
2. I feel (such-and-such emotion),
3 because it doesn’t meet my need for (need).
For example, “When you criticize my sister to other family members when she’s not there, it annoys me, because doesn’t meet my need for honesty among my family members. I can imagine you doing the same thing about me, and that makes me feel concerned, because I have a need for understanding and respect from my family members, and this doesn’t seem consistent with that. And when you respond to my speaking about my own feelings with judging me as mentally defective in some way, this makes me very angry, because it does not meet my need to be acknowledged and respected as a human being with her own mind.”
Those are three separate items. But I know you have a lot of backlog with this woman. I suspect you could organize a lot of these statements. And if you want to get some clarity with her, you may have to.
If what you get back from her is basically that she doesn’t want to hear any of this and refuses to listen to you, well then, you have an answer of sorts. She finds your statements too threatening to her personal construct of how the world is.
However, one of the things I did get from the dialog between you is that she has a sense of grievance, and she’s passed it on to you. You are trying to be recognized and understood. But so is she, for the investments she believes she made in your wellbeing.
You are trying to get beyond the grievances, to find out what she wants from you, so you can figure out if you can do it, and if it’s worth the sacrifice entailed to have the relationship with her.
I’d suggest that you don’t bother. Just be yourself, but try to communicate more from your own experience. Be expressive, rather than blaming, if that makes sense. Say how you feel about what is going on now, and explain how it doesn’t correspond with what you want or need. You can’t make anyone else change. But if you provide that kind of information, it actually brings the conversation up to a different level. She may have to think about what you’ve said for a while, maybe weeks or months, so you can’t always anticipate an instant breakthrough.
The other thing is that you are allowed to request things from other people. That is, to say that it would be easier for you or make you feel better if they changed some behavior. A request is a request. It’s totally up to them, if they want to do it. But if you say, “I would be less angry, if you refrained from criticizing people behind their backs while I’m around,” she would at least have the specifics of what you want. She might initially go into some defensive frenzy of claiming there’s something wrong with you or your request, but if you stay calm and just repeat it, and let her know it’s up to her, you might get what you want. Or you might get at least a more open dialog. (Or not.)
And then, of course, your final option is an ultimatum, or a request with repercussions. “The next time I see you criticizing my sister or any other family member behind their backs while I’m in the room, I’m leaving. No matter what else is going on. I’m telling you so that you understand why I’m leaving when I leave. Or why I’m hanging up the phone.”
You said you’ve gone NC with her, so all of this may be beside the point. But these are communications techniques that are valuable in any close personal relationship. If another person can’t handle you telling the truth about how you feel and what you need, and turns it in a festival of blaming, then the relationship is going to run into a wall. And it’s going to be pretty obvious.
Finally, this kind of communication is contagious. It tends to shock people initially, but when they think about it, a lot of people come to appreciate it. You may find that the person you’re talking with has his or her own feelings and unmet needs. And you may have to let them talk it out, before they can listen to you. But you can make a deal with them, to talk about their stuff, and then to talk about yours. And again, if they can’t be fair about that, you’re going to run into a wall in the relationship.
It takes courage to talk with authenticity. You also have to think about what you really want, and be honest about what’s setting you off. It has to be in real-time, not a lot of old grievances. But it can be pretty effective, if you’re trying to sort out things that are keeping you apart from someone.
I hope this makes sense and that it helps.
Kathy
GrREAT Points, Kathy, and in any AUTHENTIC relationship that kind of communication is almost mandatory for a good, healthy relationship. However, as you and I both know, it takes two to tango—and with some people, psychopaths or not, there is no healing the relationship. There has “just been too much water under the bridge,” so to speak.
Just as Blue has so many points and her mother has the perceived grievences, I can so relate to my own relationship with my “egg donor”—I don’t even believe my egg donor is a psychopath by any means, but she is so enabling, so dysfunctional and so invested in the “let’s pretend we are a nice normal family” (while we punish and persecute anyone who doesn’t go along with the family games”) that at her age, 80, there is no turning back. Because there is no turning back with her, and I am NO LONGER ABLE to “play the game” I am NC with her because any contact is so painful to me that it is just “not worth the trouble and pain” that it causes me.
The same thing with my son C, unless he decides to communicate with me in a healthy manner, and to stop lying to me for ANY REASON, I just don’t have the energy to try to make the relationship “work” at this point in time. Maybe in the future I will have, but right now, the only thing I can do is to conserve my energy for myself—and for the things I must do to keep myself safe (physically and emotionally).
I liken it to you see someone starving, but you are down to skin and bones yourself, there comes a point that you will die if you share your food with the other person, energy is to me the same thing. There comes a point when my energy stores are so low that if I share, I will not have enough left to take care of my own needs.
I think that even Mother Theresa knew that there were homeless and hungry people but she still did not give others ALL of her food even though she knew that there were hungry people close by. She did SHARE, but she didn’t give it ALL away. I think we need to also be aware that it is imperative that we nourish ourselves at least with the basic necessities of physical and emotional support to SURVIVE. Sometimes, even those we love and would like to have a relationship with, are not able to contribute to that relationship and we can’t either if we deprive ourselves entirely.
I hope that makes some sense, I know right now I am working hard on taking care of ME and in order to do that, it means that I must severely limit contact with people who in any way drain my energy and ability to take care of myself.
Even if like it was when you said to me, that maybe I should just think about my son C as a “temporary” distancing, just being away from others that cause pain (for any reason) is helpful to our healing.
Thanks for that great demonstration of good communication techniques. (((hugs))))
Oxy, I hear your pain, you have been through absolute hell on earth.Its beyond belief what our P children, now grown up, have put us through, and would continue to put us thru if we werent total NC. before I found Lovefraud, I had almost started to believe my P daughters when they said”Its you whose the problem, Mum, YOU are the crazy one!” I didnt know anything about mirroring, projection, gaslighting,I only knew that I felt like I was going mad.Of course when I married David, 25 years ago, for all these 25 years I have had HIM asa witness that I WASNT going mad, he has seen the worst of my daughters evil ways of “punishing me”,-sending me to Coventry, giving me crappy presents, lying to me, gaslighting,promising to come for meals and then not showing up, and the worst, {from my second daughter} refusing to allow me ,over 16 plus years,to see her 3 kids, not even as tiny babies. So much cruelty, patronage, snobby treatment, which I DID NOT deserve as I kept on and on and on giving, giving, giving, and getting NOTHING back except more pain, contempt,lies, and cruelty.Like you, for the longest time, I thought maybe there wasa magic formula that I could unlock that would make them love me,-didnt happen. I turned myself into a human pretzel with false guilt,{for leaving them with their father-they wernt babies, they were17 and 19, but I still felt guilty for leaving them with him. }They wouldnt have come with me anyway, I was in a tiny furnished flat, no room for them.Thy didnt appear to miss me at all anyway.
I dont think there is a pain worse than having your own adult kids turn on you and rend you,-King Lear got it right when he said,”Oh, sharper than a serpents tooth it is, to have an ungrateful child!”Not only ungrateful but vicious, cruel, calculating, deceitful,uncaring,patronising,totaly without any form of compassion or simple human kindness.As you say, we have to make our OWN closure, as these subhuman creatures will NEVER say, “sorry”, even if they did it would only be another con.Its like being immersed in a bath of acid.But, we WILL survive this, as you also said,quoting Victor Frankl, there is no such thing as lesser or greater pain, pain expands like air to fill the whole person. Pain is pain.What a baptism by fire we have all at LF been through. But WERE STILL HERE!
Stronger, wiser, and living to fight another day, P free! TOWANDA! and prayers for us all.Love and Hugs, Gem.XXWe are better off without the “malignant hope” that poor NewLily,{Toi} had. Made me want to reach for the sick bowl, to read the loving comments from her spath family in her funeral book.Retch!!
Blue, ive just though t of a term for what you did, and I think its great! Im glad you dumped it! Lets call it TOXIC WASTE cos thats what it is! Wouldnt it be so great if we could just dump all the spaths, along with their toxic waste on a huge island,{or maybe aparallel universe,} and let them all infect each other!
Do we need their Toxic waste? No! they can have it back!love, Gem.XX
Blue, my gut reaction to this is that (and you know I’m not the most articulate writer) your beginning correspondence was so sweet, to say that you love her very much and really just want to find a way to enjoy being in each others company… and she just takes it and runs with it, all downhill, really… it sounded like Mary Poppins herself was writing, like she just has complete disbelief that she has ever done anything wrong, launches into a complete rant about what a great mother she was when you were little, and you were not even writing about that!!!!!! It’s shocking. Like I said, it seemed like all you were saying was “how can we get along better when we’re together?” — not a tough question, not a mean question. It’s like she had to vomit out all this crazy shit in her head.
It’s not you, Blue, it’s not you, she is living her own little hell inside her head. I really feel for you, I think of going NC with my sister because she is so verbally abusive (not constantly), but I know if I do that I will just be curled up in a little ball on the floor, I will expend more energy in the NC than I do just being her punching bag, I just keep hoping she’ll stop being such a bitch. Why can’t they see our lives are blessed by having family and it is just so much easier to be pleasant to each other? I don’t get it.
Dear Blue,
Quote :”I am sorry you are suffering, but you have doled out a lot more suffering to other methinks.
But other people’s suffering are not as big or important as yours are they.”
This woman is not sorry at all…..you just don’t count in the whole scheme of things really…there is no empathy and no validation….she’s only covering her own arse.
This is the biggest load of shite coming from a heroin addict….YES A HEROIN ADDICT DAMMIT!!…these people are basically selfish, have no credibility, no loyalty and it’s all about them. Their addiction speaks volumes regarding underlying personality problems….so what more evidence does one need of a personality disorder????…not once did I read that she LOVED YOU……..it’s all PROJECTION.
These people can do no wrong, and never admit to anything….these people are so delusional and never ever their fault, just yours. They never question their actions and are illogical in their thinking…..You might as well piss into the wind, bang ya head against the wall or flog a dead horse.
When the time comes and they can single out the “psychopathic gene” and eradicate it, the better off we’ll all be.
So Blue, get yourself right….don’t correspond with her if you value your sanity, the woman is a complete moron.