She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
Dear Blue,
Bulletproof and LTL have given you some good thoughts! You know it is so normal for every child to love their parents, to want their parents to love and approve of them. I can remember so many times I would as a very young child look at something that belonged to my egg donor (when she wasn’t around) and that thing was sacred because she touched it.
Yet, I have very few memories of actually being with my egg donor at that time, my GM was my primary caretaker as we lived with my Grandparents and my egg donor worked before and after she remarried, after she remarried I spent very llittle time with her and more with my stepfather as he was a school teacher. Looking back I don’t have very many positive memories of the egg donor at all, and what positive memories I do have of early and middle childhood are my grandparents and my stepfather. From age 15 it was war with her, and everyone else stepped back and let her take the lead and I left home as quickly as I could. For the next 15 years I stayed as far away as I could possibly get, part of that time half way round the world. But even there, her disapproval followed me in letters and phone calls and IN MY HEAD mostly I think.
She still doesn’t “approve of” me and has totally devalued me and the ONLY differences now is that I NO LONGER SEEK HER APPROVAL. Even in my “head” there is no little voice that says “do this or mommie dearest will be furious or not approve of you.” I finally got to the point that I no longer NEED her approval. I no longer fear her disapproval. And belive me until recent years her “approval” or “disapproval” was the driving force in my life, and not only that, but I had fantasized this “great relationship” with her and I actually trivalized all the things she had done and said to me for most of my life.
I never thought I would get to that point that I truly did not give a big rat’s behind what she thought. Just as it took C pushing on a door with the TH-P on the other side with a gun, for him to “break out” of his relationship with his wife, the LIE my egg donor told me, looking at me with the same rage I have seen in my sperm-donor’s eyes and in my P-son’s eyes, to shake me loose from my delusions about her and our relationship. She accuses others of lying and that is DAMNATION, but OK for her and her “golden boy” but no lie told to her, even one told 45 years ago, is ever forgiven or forgotten by her. She isn’t aj psychopath, except by proxy, but she is sure that! So it doesn’t matter if it is psychopathic traits, or bad to the bone, the result is the same, they are TOXIC to us, and WE are the ones who have to change our attitudes about them. We can BE our own “mothers.”
When I firsst went NC with her it hurt so bad I felt like I had cut off a limb. That fantasy mother I had was gone and it hurt. But now, the wound is healing over, and I realize I am a “big girl” now, I don’t have to live in that fantasy anymore to be happy, to feel approved of. I can look back at my childhood and remember the happy times with my stepfather and my grandparents and the approval I got from THEM. The pride they had in my accomplishments and the fact that they enjoyed my company and did things with me. I especially remember the college nursing honor society induction, I wasn’t even going to go, but my stepfather insisted I go, and went with me, but the egg donor didn’t go, and the “pinning ceremony”–again he was there, she wasn’t.
He bragged to everyone who would listen about my accomplishments, but I can’t remember her ever saying a positive word to anyone, but she sure told everyone how I had abused her, and tried to take her money, and that I was insane.
So, I no longer “listen” internally to the hostile negative words she has spoken, the unfounded accusations she has made against me and spread to the community and our relatives and neighbors—what she thinks about me is no longer important, she is NO LONGER important, and she has never been my mother, her biggest contribution to me has been the genetic donation that gave me life and that wasn’t a bad thing, I’m smart, reasonably healthy, and so it could have been much worse.
Dear Blue, grieve for the mother you wanted and never had, but the Egg Donor isn’t, doesn’t deserve the title, but look back in your dhildhood for someone else who did love you, who did approve of you, who did nurture you, and think about those times with that person who cared about you. It might be a teacher, it might be a relative or a neighbor or a Sunday School teacher, but there is someone back there because you have the capacity to love.
A friend of mine from years ago had probably the WORST mother I can imagine (unless the mother killed the child) she was like a sow hog that ate her young, and this boy was the “kicking boy” of the family, and the person he remembered best was a big, fat black lady who was his teacher in 2nd grade, and she would take him on her lap and hug him up between her big boobs and rock him. One day the teacher brought him a pair of shoes to school and socks and gave them to him as he had no shoes. When he got home he was so proud of a pair of shoes and socks and he told his mother where he got them. His mother took them away, threw them away, and whipped him until blood ran down his legs because he took a pair of shoes from that “N#$%% B1tch”
Yet, he is one of the most loving men, and was a loving father, and always remembered that wonderful nurturing teacher with love. That woman who taught school so many many years ago and did a kind thing to a lonely, neglected and abused child, has no idea I am sure (if she is still alive) what a GREAT impact she had on that child’s life.
So, Blue, look back and find the “mother” that WAS there for you, and treasure her memory! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers!
M.L. Gallagher,
Interesting timing on your article. I am (was) dating someone who seemed quite normal. Then, he lost his job and things went a bit haywire for him and since then.. I have been this waiting girl you talk about. He keeps promising to call. He keep swearing that he wants to see me but just be patient. He is trying to sort some things out for himself.
Tomorrow is the day.
Tomorrow is the day.
Tomorrow is the day.
I think I have a blad spot on my head from pulling my hair out over this. (just kidding… no bald spot.)
I had no indication that there was anything wrong with this guy. And.. for the first time in years, I really really liked someone and felt safe… at least I did about a month ago when I last saw him. I still think that maybe there isn’t anything wrong with him but I am having a hard time letting this go.
But why? What do I have to hold on to? NOTHING! I just have a “phone friend.”
Have I learned nothing? I really don’t think this guy is disordered.
Sorry. I am just wondering out loud here.
Thanks for your article. I do love your writing. :O)
Aloha
What if….
there is nothing ‘wrong’ with this guy Aloha and it is just a guy with ‘bad behaviour’.
Do you deserve to be treated like that?
What if…
we had become accustomed to overlooking bad behaviour, even without the N,P or S designation.
What if…
we don’t know how to accept we deserve better? and so, we connect to the ones with bad behaviour, believing somewhere deep within us that WE should have done better, known better, been better …
In our focussing on figuring out their bad behaviour we take the focus off of us and what we truly deserve and want and need in our lives. I know for me, I end up thinking… If I just give him time, he’ll start behaving ‘good’.
Truth is — regardless of his good or bad behaviour, I have to learn to take a stand on what I deserve and want and need in our life just because it IS what I deserve, want and need in my life.
No excuses. No apologies. No accepting or compromising for someone else’s bad behaviour.
What if — he’s a guy with really bad behaviour and your learning is not wondering about if the guy is disordered, or not, but rather, your learning is in standing up for the wonderful, amazing, incredible Aloha and saying, I don’t deserve bad behaviour from anyone. I deserve to be treated with the beauty and truth I treat the world around me.
Reality is: you had no inclination that this guy had anything wrong with him. Now you have a clear inclination as to how bad and inconsiderate and wrong and cruel his behaviour can be.
He’s behaving like he behaves. Your gift to yourself is to say — I deserve better. Sayanora bad behaviour guy. You don’t deserve me.
I so relate to your post Aloha. I am just finally learning to stand up for me and quit making excuses for other people’s bad behaviour and to quit accepting the unacceptable as acceptable. Doesn’t really matter why I accept bad behaviour at this point in my life — habit, history, learned behaviour…. what matters is — I quit doing it!
Hugs.
So lovely to see you!
Louise
HI Louise,
I know. I do deserve so much more. My esteem is still just a sprout. I am working on it.
I was so excited to be EXCITED about someone. It had been eternity since I had felt that way. And it wasn’t crazy addiction excitment… it was just fun and funny. And then *poof*… gone with no real explanation.
The “gone” part I could handle. It’s the no explanation that has given me so much anxiety. Now I have all the scenarios in my head… “he was playing with my mind for fun.” “It was all an illusion.” “It’s a head game.” I have been losing sleep over this. I want some closure.
It all comes back to esteem. I hate to admit it but I know that inside, I am always questioning if I really do deserve more. I am always looking around wondering how I stack up in the world. What do I really deserve. I am not sure. Truly.. I am not sure and there are reasons my self concept is so warped. I guess that is what I need to be working on in therapy. I did get a therapist.
Anyway, so glad I stopped by and saw your response. I do appreciate it. Your support means a lot.
Aloha………… Elise
Aloha – my alarm bells started ringing when I saw what you had written about this guy – dropping out of contact and always asking you to ‘be patient’. That is the line my P ex used over and over again when I was disappointed in his behaviour or asking him to step up to the plate and be a man with both feet in the relationship – he may not be a P, but boy oh boy that is a P expression that they use to buy time. I would be looking at this very very carefully if I were you and it seems that you are. Louise gave you some good advice there – bad behaviour is bad behaviour whether it comes from a P or some other kind of dysfunctional person, the end result for us is the same – hurt, disappointment and broken trust.
I would hate to see you get hurt after the experience you had with the Bad Man – once is enough for any of us! You are wonderful and deserve the very best so keep looking – there will be someone out there also getting mucked around and wondering why there aren’t any normal loving women on the ground anymore … you just haven’t met him yet 🙂
Aloha:
“He keeps promising to call. He keeps swearing that he wants to see me but just be patient. He is trying to work some things out for himself. Tomorrow is the day…Tomorrow is the day…Tomorrow is the day…..”
OH, HELL NO!!!!
RUN ALOHATRAVELER, RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!
You don’t need this nonsense in your life.
If you want to be kind, and say that this is not a disordered person, then go ahead.
But, there’s a very good chance that tomorrow is never going to come.
OR, this disappearing act and “tomorrow is the day” talk is the beginning of an endless cycle.
Life is too short for this crap. Get out NOW!
As far as I am concerned, this guy is a serious manipulator, and probably disordered, as well.
I hope I’m wrong, but I doubt it.
I’ve seen this too many times.
Dear Aloha,
If he was REALLY your friend, he would want to share the bad times with you. To have your comfort during his problematic time. Yea, I now the P’s want that too, but anyone who WITHDRAWS themselves from us and counsels us to “be patient” HAS SOME SORT OF PROBLEM. What that problem is, is not important, but they are expecting US to put ourselves on a BACK BURNER and WAIT for them to decide to grace us with their presence. Wait in the wings while I get broken up with this chick, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Or Wait til I XYor Z…
Yea, it is disappointing to see that FIRST red flag….cause being “in like” or “in expectation” with a guy is FUN! Exciting.
I recall how up and excited I was about my date, then a second, then a third, and then he had to return to his home for a while but assured me he would be back soon to my area where his dad and brother have lived for years, he calls me a few times, then he comes back here and calls me, but not to see ME—but he wants to take a “joyride” in my airplane which has NO liability insurance and is not “legal” to fly by FAA regularions which requires some expensive checks by an aircraft inspector on a regular basis and I have not been flying it cause I can’t afford to….when I told him all this, he said “Oh, you don’t need any insurance for me, I’m not going to wreck it”—-so what was IN THIS FOR ME?
Well, the first thing that was a RED FLAG was he wanted to VIOLATE the FAA regulations as well as liability laws (you can’t even drive a car legally without liability insurnace) and next, he wanted ME to RISK my plane and my life saviings and everything I owned on the GAMBLE that he wouldn’t wreck the plane and WHAT WAS IN THIS FOR ME? HE got to take a Joy ride in a plane wihtout any risk or expense to himself. All risk on my shoulders. Is that the kind of man I want to associate with? NOT IN THIS LIFE TIME! Is this the kind of treatment I would expect in the future from him? Was this showing RESPECT for me and for RULES? Nope.
People who do not RESPECT me are OUT! First time! NOT MY problem, is theirs. They do NOT deserve to have my company.
I think this guy (whether or not he is a P) is showing A RED FLAG of disrespect and uncaring attitude toward you. Sorry BUB, you don’t deserve Aloha and you wil hear from Me and the lightening bolt Skillets if you even approach her! Right on your pointy head! ((((hug)))))) SKILLETS FOREVER!!!! YEA!!!!
Hi Aloha, here’s another thought on this.
Suppose there is absolutely nothing wrong with this guy in absolute terms, except that he’s going through some personal struggles and can’t focus on relationship-building right now. And isn’t doing a very good job of estimating when he’s going to emerge from his personal brain fog.
From the perspective of taking care of yourself, it doesn’t really matter whether he’s a full-blown sociopath or a guy whose shaky on his feet right now. Because the real question is not about him, but you.
Are you getting what you want from this relationship? When your mind turns in his direction, how do you feel? Do you feel rewarded, nourished, acknowledged, supported? When you look at ALL the time you’ve invested in thinking about him or caring about him or using up your mental or emotional energy in any way, have you gotten back a good return?
At this level, it comes down to you managing your own resources. And one of those resources is your attention. In fact, attention is the single most important resource we have. Really taking care of ourselves is about making self-loving and self-sustaining decisions about what we give our attention to.
From everything you’ve said, I don’t see you getting anything back from this guy, compared to what you might get back from reading a good book, going out with friends, taking your camera for a walk, cleaning your house, or going on line to plan your imaginary dream vacation.
There is an old spiritual rule that we are praying with every thought we have. The things we focus on are what we get more of. That’s why in getting better, we evolve from obsessing over the disappointing ex to becoming primarily involved in figuring out what makes us happy and going after it.
So I say, whatever is going on with him, it sounds like a good time to distance yourself. And starve him out, by not paying attention to him, from any mental real estate he’s taking up in your head. If he isn’t a bad guy, just preoccupied, he may show up again when he’s got his life together again and has something to offer you. Or not. But in the meantime, he’s not making you happy, so why waste time with him?
I really like the phrase “This doesn’t work for me.” I guess the flip side of that is to ask ourselves, “Does this work for me?” In this case, it sounds like the answer is no.
Affectionately —
Kathy
I really like Kathys suggestion.
Its basically a blanket statement/process for anyone we are dealing with in our lives…healthy or unhealthy…
As long as we take a healthy approach -for ourselves – really in any scenario – we are then one-step ahead in the process – no matter how it turns out with them.
If it isnt working for you – then you continue to move forward — go about your days, your life as if when it was working for you — you were just living enjoying embracing each day. You will do that now, but he isnt going to be a part of that right now — he either has personal problems to work out — or bad behaviours — or who knows what…but one thing that is clear is he has expressed that he is trying to sort some things out for himself. So off you go – being, doing, living yourself and your life.
Keep the bar youve raised for yourself since the bad man – HELD HIGH! If he says he will call and he doesnt – you know it doesnt matter why– its a red flag.
As he has a right to express what he is going through. Should it make you feel uncomfortable again, you have a right to say, the situation you have placed me in with you – is making me uncomfortable and so I am not going to partake in this. I hope you sort things out for yourself. I enjoyed sharing the time with you that we did. Good luck.
Dont get caught up in the doubtful mind games. Was it this or that? Did he do this or mean that? When it worked for you – it worked for you. When it didnt – you felt uncomfortable – you are recognizing that — and that only… ITS NOT WORKING FOR YOU.
Eventually, as you continue through your journey — the goal is to find situations that mostly work for you time and time again. This time it stopped working for you. Thats all you need to process and know.
If he is a healthy guy, just going through a rough patch — you will know by his actions, and by how he treats you… You will know Aloha – trust yourself.
Thank you, LTL. I’m not really here today. And just dropped in for a moment. Which is when I tend to write things badly. I’m glad it made sense to you. Back to work…
Kathy