She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
What does that say about me? LOL When you write as you say ” badly” it makes sense to me 🙂 And sometimes when your writing is at its best — I struggle!! LOL Guess it means — when your writing is at its best, it causes me to look within the most 🙂 and learn and grow — thus the struggles– no wonder I cant wait for your book! Have a great day!
Dearest Blueskies,
I just read the “correspondence” between you and the ED. (Can it even be called that? Your side of the conversation was rational, logical, caring and concerned. Her side was a distorted, remorseless catastrophe.)
And then I read your response to Kathleen regarding the deplorable, despicable, flat out evil abuse she inflicted on you and your siblings.
Kathleen’s correct; she’s a psychopath. Through and through. I don’t give a fig if I’m negated, contradicted by saying this. That ED creature is evil personified.
There is more I wish to say but I’m so angry right now, furious over what you had endured when you were a wee, innocent babe (and as an adult woman) that I would probably go off on some pissed off diatribe against that creature and that would be wrong. Not my place.
But know this, sweetheart. You’re an angel, the truest bona-fide earth angel if I ever did know one.
Every post you’ve written on here literally oozes with sweetness, the utmost in kindness, gentleness and beautiful love and compassion.
To have been where you’ve been, to have suffered so much pain, misery and despair, to have been betrayed and brutalized by your own biological mother, by your ex lover(s) and STILL retain such loving sweetness and compassion is a testament to how truly wonderful a woman you are.
Marvelous, terrific, spectacular–those words describe you to a tee.
Your love light shines brighter than the sun. Heck, brighter than 10,000 suns so much so I need to put on my shades as I bask in your radiant presence.
Love and Peace and Joy to you, dearest Blueskies.
xxooxxooxxooxxooxooo…
Oh, and I concur wholeheartedly with Bulletproof’s inspiring post to you Blueskies.
Miss Donna has lovingly provided all of us a special, safe place to vent, to rage, to gnash our teeth, but to also educate, support and comfort each other. So very grand, I must say.
Blueskies: You’re not “hijacking a thread”, or failing to “try to be more focussed and thoughtful about how I talk about things.”
You express yourself splendidly whether you’re being your sweet, witty self or when you are justifiably, righteously pissed off.
Share what you feel, think and believe. We got your back and care deeply about the pain you’ve experienced in your life. No, you never, ever deserved any of it but sharing with us is a good thing. For you, me and all the LF members.
As Bulletproof stated with crystal clarity, I too stand apart from psychopaths and hate them. There are many instances in the Gospels where Jesus the Christ states in simple terms how much he hates evil.
I am in no way shape or form comparable to His Holiness, His Divine Self but if He says He hates evil, well, so do I!
But my “revenge fantasies” stem from my nerdy, geeky passion for science fiction novels. Can’t get enough of them. Engrossing myself in my beloved books is a mild form of escapism for me. And, I might even learn a thing or two about physics, quantam mechanics. Yeah, I’ll probably never figure out the latter but it’s a blast to contemplate.
Anyway, my sci fi revenge fantasy is a creation of that most interesting device called a disintegrating ray gun. You know, the one that cute lil Martian had in the Looney Tunes cartoons.
See, the DRG is a very practical weapon in application. You simply point it in the direction of a particular fiendish psychopath, push the mechanism in that allows it to fire, then…ZAP, CRACKLE, POOF…the psychopath dissolves into a small, tidy pile of ashes.
Keep a broom handy to sweep the mess into the gutter. Where they spawned from in the first place. Or, if you’re without a broom just wait for a strong wind to do the work for you.
Presto! Totally eradicated from the Earth with no lingering evidence to implicate you in doing justice.
🙂
okay:)xxx i think I need to take that to bed with me and really sleep on it. Jane, I wonder if you have ANY idea of the good stuff you do:)x
Oh, fiddlesticks, daddburnit, grunt, grumble…
I had me a post written to Aloha to just tell her I’m thinking of her, to hold her cyber hand in friendship and concern and when I pressed preview I got this message..”Sorry, you’re a retard and forgot to log in.”
Well, I wasn’t called a retard but I feel like one now!…haha.
Anyway, dearest Aloha, read your post and I wish to commiserate with you. Yes, it is incredibly tough to find not only a wonderful man these days but just one who is a suitable mate. Ain’t that sad? Or maybe it’s only my situation.
Hang in there, sweetie. And please don’t stop believing in yourself to be a lovely, awesome woman who deserves ALL the good things life has to offer. You know this and I’m repeating myself but it’s totally how I see you.
And I wouldn’t ever feel embarrassed about expressing wanting that good guy in your life. To share affection, care and love with him. I believe we all wish for that.
I have the sincerest faith that you will most certainly find that super man to share good, fun times with. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but some time in the near future.
You can rely on my predictions. I’m a reincarnation of the Oracle at Delphi. Oh, not really, but I always wanted to say that.
xxooxxooxxs…
🙂
Jane Smith – ”Sorry, you’re a retard and forgot to log in.”
you made me laugh aloud in public. 🙂
i keep getting, ‘sorry, we are libel for that, no can post’ message.
Lovely One Step,
LOL!! Seems you and me are kindred spirits…haha.
Couldn’t ask for a more lovable, adorable pal like you.
*Huggles and cheek smoochies*
ty Jane smith! (blush)
Lol I just read the responses to my ‘getting his iwth the bullshit-bat” and realised how funny it is and had a great big belly laugh, thanks guys 🙂
Just read midlife’s comments on the book she read and what she refers to as ‘stuckness’ (good word):
The book also talks about tracking the activities of the perpetrator over time after release and a brooding engrossment with what they are doing ”“ this relates to what Kathy described as surveillance for protection.
What does everyone think of this? Has anyone else experienced this ‘stuck’ feeling? That they want to do things, but for some reason just can’t???
Personally I think the “wanting to do things but for some reaons just can’t” is quite simply a sign of depression, but not full-blown depression but what they call ‘reactive depression’. Probably a result of exhaustion/burnout caused by all the stress hormones and adrenaline going crazy during the events leading up to and the fall-out from the breakup.
As for the brooding engrossment, I thnk this may be a continuation of the habit you got into when you were toeghther, of trying to work them out and find the truth . You just want as much information as possible because you have had the wool pulled for so damn long. I think this lessons as you totally seperate from them emotionally.
In saying that I still check into our joint online account daily to see that he’s taken her to rotorua for some hot-pools action and spent more money on her at Bendon etc etc..but it doesn’t sting me anymore..it’s just a wierd habit I guess.
Just my 2 cents worth!
M.L Galagher that was a beautiful and empowering repsonse.
I think once we have had a little break, that is the best attitude to move forward with!
Feel the fear and do it anyway. Ando it for your self, and your kids, for who else could be more worthy of the fruits of your own actions?