Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
you are welcome. 🙂
Thank you to everyone. The situation is a mindful, I understand, I need to take it slow because yes I know that I require ut-most respect, but you know what when I met the sociopath it wasnt that I didn’t require respect it was just that I wanted to be loved so bad, and coming out of that bad situation with the sociopath there is no way in hell im gonna settle. I got to relax and let it flow I have too. Like you said he have to show me where he coming from, have too!
Dear Luv,
I hear what you are saying about wanting to be loved!
But included in that “being loved” is being respected FIRST, being treated right, and all the other things that work into developing and experiencing a loving relationship. I learned I must love myself first. What does that mean? Exactly what you are now doing — looking to protect yourself, make sure you are getting treated the way you deserve— having someone earn your trust== and also trusting yourself…respecting yourself — holding off on jumping into bed with him until youve evaluated how he respects you, how he acts, how he treats you and others. Being more mature in the relationship in that instead of wanting to be loved so bad — just experiencing what goes down — and taking note of it. Setting boundaries for yourself (What you will and wont accept) all these wonderful things and tools that allow you to exit or enter someones life – based on important values other than being loved!
Yes he has to show you where he is coming from. But you also have to show yourself what you want for yourself, know yourself, work on yourself (learning to trust again…go easy on yourself…be AWARE of what you are going thru — and take it slow) I encourage you to love yourself before looking for love from another!!! I never did that …but its key!!! 🙂
Tamsen:
Along with all the great information here on LF, the therapy you are undertaking, and just like ohters recommend, read THE BETRAYAL BOND and go through the excersises. I’m in the process of reading it now to understand myself what has kept me in bondage and craving someone who was so toxic to me.
Be kind to yourself, dont blame yourself you were led by a highly manipulative self serving individual who lied and stole from you. You were operating in a state of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt), but you’ve taken the first step and this will save your sanity and your life.
I was in the relationship on and off for 3 1/2 years…and it just about destroyed me, as of most recently I have been with NC for 4 weeks. I’m commited to healing myself now, and never allowing this scum bag back into my life. Sometimes getting through the day is a challange just know that the enxiety and sadness will pass….on day at a time.
Namastee…
One-step, I love what you said- all of it . I think it is awesome advice to check out the person,believe in their ACTIONS, not words which can be contrived B.S, but also to realize how we get trauma bonded.
IT is imperative to begin understanding ourselves and developing a game plan for all future relationships. You wouldnt make ANY kind of investment without doing your homework and evaluating “whats in it for me” Is this a mutual,equitable deal here? AND Is this worth my investment of time, energy,etc???
For me, I dont have the stomach for, nor am I willing to keep defending my boundaries, being stepped on,etc etc.
Knowing my “default” reactions helps me to know that the signs of a “taker” , a bottomless pit of need, selfishness, and aggressiveness are deal breakers that warrant NC! Due to my forgiving nature, I have to cut all ties, move on from that person quickly OR I will allow myself to be sucked into bad situations which in turn ,as one step pointed out leads directly in trauma bonds that are hard to break.
I think if you suspect someone to be disordered, and you arent ready to call it quits- the least you can do for yourself is be unavailable to that person for a length of time. Take time to reflect on his actions and how you feel inside about how your treated. If you still feel unhappy a week or so later, take it to heart.
You can walk away SO much easier when you arent bonded and time brings more bonding. The key is to take EVERY phone call, date, time spent together very seriously as we do have the propensity toward trauma bonding which is TROUBLE. That leads back to being content within ourselves, and seeking healthy relationships at all costs. How to accomplish this IS the question. Although, before I met the guy I am with now , I did feel lonely alot of times. Now, I sometimes long for all the free time that I had for myself and my daughter. Not that I am unhappy now, I am more content than ever, BUT we tend to want what we dont have, so the grass seems greener at times, ya know? Relationships, even good ones take work. I have changed in some not so appealing ways from having to constantly defend myself from the S. I am more defensive, and down right nasty at times when I have no real reason. My perceived boiling point is small!
When I was alone, I wanted to just stay busy with friends, forgetting dating altogether, but the problem was, I found that in platonic friendships- the more healthy individuals didnt have TIME in their productive, real lives to hang out or my female friends schedules didnt match up with mine so it was hard to have someone just to hang out with.
When loneliness set in, I was setting myself up for trouble in accepting dates who were wrong for me.
One thing I have taught myself NO MATTER what is to ask questions and let them talk about their life instead of me laying out my life history, dreams, and ambitions FIRST. A life “stealer” will always use your story as their own- remember the “OMG we are so much alike”, I am JUST like you, B.S. they use???
Never say alot about you beliefs, let them tell YOU who they are first. IF they are a good person, you will endure yourself to them by asking and appearing interested in them. I read that one time on how to make good impressions, why people automatically like you – and being interested by asking non threatening questions about their lives makes YOU seem totally interesting!! Its win-win, because you can be doing your case study as you are listening.
Erin- You rock girl! Keep on with ya bad self! 😉 ; )
Sabrina – my n ex used to say i was ‘withholding’ becuase I woulnd’t share more of my history with her.
N/S/P – can’t live with them, can’t kill them with impunity.
what to do.
Sabrina,
Loved your thoughts, espeically your advise about interviewing your date first. So true and so good in light of the fact that sociopaths look to us to mirror their empty selves.
You sound like you have finally crossed the bridge of healing and know how to look for healthy people.
learnthelesson, thank you so much. I have to ease up on me because I’m like wow is it me, why am I going through this with men, the socociopath really did a number on my self esteem, getting rid of the sociopath made me realize I am beautiful, meeting someone new made me feel great. Nothing in the world I coulda done to make someone play me like the sociopath never say never but I promise you I will do my best to never allow that type of negative energy back in my life. Its been three weeks NO CONTACT I never want to talk to him again
luv – this is beautiful, kind and gentle;
but I promise you I will do my best to never allow that type of negative energy back in my life.
…and makes my eyes smile.
best,
one step