Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
slimone
Matt,
CONGRATS!!! How wonderful. I am really happy about your good news.
Big happyface Slim!
tamsen
Aeylah:
I really needed to read what you wrote me today. This must be what it’s like to be in re-hab, and I’m not even out of de-tox. I truly am trying to detox from him. Yes, it was FOG. And
every day will be challenging. He’s been trying to contact me
and it makes me crazy.
I’m sorry that you were involved in such a toxic situation, and
I understand how it almost destroyed you – I feel the same
way. I hope you’re healing and in a much better place.
I can’t thank you enough for your words. You must be a really
good person and a real sweetheart. And I will read Betrayal
Bond.
sabrina
Aeylah, Thanks for your vote of confidence. I still struggle in allowing disordered personalities more “air space” in my head and honestly the key for me is to only be with pretty healthy, normal folks. If I weren’t involved with a good guy, having no P traits in the least, I would still be struggling with the doubt and the boundary thing. I guess the motto here could be “IF in doubt, throw him out! lol best wishes to you. xoxo
Aeylah
Tamsen,
You are in a good place here at LF, it will become one of your major sources for comfort and understanding, just keep reading and shore your self up to resist the contact.
Remember that they never change, no matter what they promise, and what they do, their toxic history will repeat …..but we can!
I was having a bad day myself this evening and was reminded by other posts here to go look at the series of articles written by Kathleen Hawk on recovering from the S in a series of articles tittled AFTER THE SOCIOPATH. I highly recommend them, they are helping me …..and thank you for the kind words. Take care and be good to yourself….((hugs)))
Aeylah
Sabrina …soooo glad to hear you are involved with healthy person.
there is light at the end of the tunnel!
thanks and xo’s back at you.
Jake B.
this has nothing to do with the above post, but is relevant nonetheless.
I happened to stumble upon it, and thought it might be of some value to people here at LF.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/nat…..oman-court
luv716
There is something I realized that when I met the sociopath things went a 100 miles per hour, it was like a whirl wind the first date he was telling me we were exclusive and that we are gonna make each other happy by the next date he was telling me he love me it had my mind blown. We had sex so fast it was the underlay for the over play. Now Im back in the real world. real relationships start out as friends an grow into something real, you get to know each other, you spend time together to see if your compatibile. I was thinking may be (the new guy) really that into me but things are brand new. I had to step back and re-evaluate. Its not going at super speed, I was thinking something was wrong but thats normal. The beginning phase with the sociopath was abnormal from the first conversation he was preying into my personal life so fast, so that he can get what he wanted, so that he could use me and bleed me dry. Im seeing the difference, what a hell of a difference.
sabrina
Aeylah, Luv716 -I see that you both are just recently NC with your x S. I am so sorry to hear that as I know how devastating and hard it is.
My x, despite a protection order still harassed, called, and when that didnt give him the attention he wanted, he got DESPARATE- HE PUT SUGAR IN MY CARS GAS TANK, almost causing my 7 yr old and I to have a wreck!
THEN when THAT didnt satisfy him, he then orchestrated an elaborate fake suicide attempt involving sending 3 of us- his mom (70 yrs old, 10 hours away him) our Pastor, and me a suicide email letter.
I was learning then about what a S is, still in the early learning stages- but went into sheer panic over the fake suicide as I thought he had taken enough tylenol to die.
I even got angry with my dad who saw straight thru his attention seeking despicable behavior- When I planned to rush to the hospital , my dad said NO you dont go- he is too damn mean to kill HIMSELF, he’s trying to fool you, tell them to call you when he’s DEAD! (good one DAD- I love that!)heehehee
I remember saying angrily- this is no time to be angry with him -(still trauma bonded) I HAVE to tell him I forgive him,blah blah blah.
I am saying this to warn how EXTREME they will go with no thought of your safety or what it cost you emotionally. I pray that you guys will never have any more problems out of them- but sadly you will have to fight for your freedom.
The hard part, the sad and devastating realization for me was that HE DIDNT LOVE ME- the acting out was ONLY to CONTROL what he considered his property (I was like a small pet to him- He was the deviant cat playing with the mouse) I had to let it sink in that He abused, and burned down his life & EVERYONE IN IT over, and over again- Me nor anyone else, no matter how we loved him could change that.
Aeylah
It is devastating when you realize that the S NEVER LOVED YOU! you were allways never more than a TOY TO BE PLAYED WITH and like Sabrina says you are just HIS PROPERTY TO CONTROL.
The S in my life would often reveal himself to me when he toyed with other people’s emotions. Even his own grown daughters were fair game. He would purposly do more for one over the other alternating to see them fight with each other and fight for his attention. and sickly he would admitt how much of a kick he got out of this.
He told me that he had no “use for friends unless they provided him with something he needed”….admitted to being exploitive!
He once told me how he knew all my buttons and loved to push them because I was “so easy” and he got such a kick of how “powerful it made him feel”!!!!
But the sweet charming, affectionalte occasional generous side would come out and I was so trauma bonded that even knowing this and hearing this I still couldn’t walk away until now.
The only consolations I have now is knowing that I am going to heal and be trauma bond free, and he will never change and rot in his empty shell. The new ex GF that he’s back with is his new toy because she is in complete darkness about the monster that he is. I have no plans to warn her because I know that I will only be looked as and perceived as a crazy worman.
Rosa
Oh Sabrina,
I can so relate to your above post.
When I went NC, I went through a suspicious string of blowing out tires as I was driving down the highway. It’s very scary to be driving along, and then all of a sudden LOUD POP! and you are trying to get control of the car.
Somehow, screws kept finding their way into my tires…..like 4 times in a row….and I don’t live near any construction zones. That’s all I will say about that.
Thankfully, that phase is over.
Plus, the bastard knew that I don’t know anything about cars, and that there is no way I can change a tire by myself.
That’s a sick way of making a female feel like she “needs” a man, as far as I am concerned.
I don’t know if that was his way of getting me to call him in my moment of distress or what, but it didn’t work.
He did other things to my car, as well. That’s how I know it was him.