Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
sabrina
Rosa, how funny you should mention that, you know I have forgotten so much of all the crap he did- ALL four of my tires had huge nails that kept giving me trouble.
I didnt know if he had ran over the nails prior when he was driving the car, before NC or what. It was strange- the mechanic said the nails werent regular- they came from large construction type variety. Not sure if you can vandalize in that way or not.
I thought that what could have happened, his porno site women he was seeing on the side (we were married at the time) MUST have lived in a new construction zone as he was USING MY CAR on his lunch hour to meet up with internet SKANK!!! Its amazing how their demented deviant minds all work the same way!!
NO one could really figure out what had happened to my tires…very bizzaar
Everyone still dealing with these magots, PLEASE lock down your property as best you can. MY car stayed garaged and was ONLY out of the garage a few nights, he was stalking the house so he seized EVERY opportunity.
KEEP up insurance for Gods sake!!! xoxo
Jake B.
Quote: Luv716
“We had sex so fast it was the underlay for the over play. Now Im back in the real world. real relationships start out as friends an grow into something real, you get to know each other, you spend time together to see if your compatible.”
I’ve had two relationships with female sociopaths, and this is their “Modus operandi” and I’m sure it holds true with the male variety.
Both times they wanted a shag within the first hour. The “I love you” part came 1 week for the first sociopath, and 2 days for the next sociopath.
They get you in as quick as they can with sex……soon as they get a foothold, they say that they love you. To them it’s a bit like saying, I love my shoes.
Quote JB: “without empathy there can be no real love, just bullshit!”
knowledgeempowers
So proud of myself, two weeks today NC!!!
Benn reading and thinking a lot today. How fortunate I am that I did not let him come live with me (long distance relationship and that was always the plan).
Thinking back and knowing all I now know and have pieced together.
Remembering some of those past conversations, how he tried to get his exwife to make a will, even had someone at their house to do it and she wouldn’t. How he had been in prison for a reduced charge from attempted vehicular manslaughter (original charge), he always claimed she was the one who caused the accident.
That could have been me!!
knowledgeempowers
And, my joy in the NC, he is a loser! Hes a parasite that lives off of other women, cant keep a job, hadnt worked in years, just sat on the computer day in and day out playing his sick little games of control and manipulation. He will never have anything in his life because hes a LOSER!!!
Jake B.
Male or female, they’re all oxygen thieves!
knowledgeempowers
Worse then oxygen thieves. Like a bad fast acting flesh eating virus that doesnt care who its next vicitm is, as long as it get fed.
Jake B.
Yeah they are worse then oxygen thieves….if I told you my uncensored version of what I really think of these sub humans, my post would be removed quick smart!
Stargazer
Donna, that is a beautiful picture of you and your new love, and it’s nice to see what you look like and your glowing smile. I wish with all my heart that I could feel inspired by your story. But at 49, and a case of PTSD every time a man so much as looks at me, I fear I will never open my heart to love again. I really worry about my ability to manifest a great love like yours when all I’ve ever been able to manifest is dysfunction. I’m kind of wishing I’d settled for some of the very sweet guys I dated in grad school. They were older than me and very devoted. I was looking for that passion and excitement that alway led me down the wrong path. I’m not sure what to do to open myself back up. I’m focusing on some of my other dreams–creative pursuits, and the dream of a bigger, nicer place to live. I have a vision for how I see my life in the next few years, and–although comfortable–my vision does not include a man. I don’t even know how to open myself for that. I occasionally dream about it and wake up feeling happy. Then the memory fades and it’s back to survival.
I recently met an incredible couple. They were very happy, very spiritual, and very much in love after 30 years of marriage. They spend their time together singing and playing music, cooking, laughing, and just enjoying each other’s company. I started to feel inspired by them. Then after I’d spent an evening having dinner with them and doing music, and teaching them how to do massage for each other, the guy wrote to me the next day saying he wanted me to be more than a “friend”. I instantly felt betrayed and disappointed. It really made me wonder if there is such a thing as a happily monogamous man. I just don’t even know if I could ever trust a man again.
need of rmer
Hello All,
I just want to send hugs and blessings to all of you here healing and in need of healing. I have been a reader of this blog since march of 2009, when I learned that my ex-fiancee and baby’s father is/was a sociopath. It has been almost a year of intensive therapy, a very effective antidepressant, and the acceptance of Christ that has healed me and led me to love again. I hope I don’t sound preachy, as I have spent my life up to this point very untrusting of religion.
I just wanted to share words of encouragement that it is possible to love again, and love in a healthy way at that. No more selfless giving, no more ignoring the red flags, no more walking on egg shells. Real. Love. Find a god, your god, whatever he looks like, and pray. Pray hard. There is no simple solution, but I pray you find the key to your healing. May his love shine upon all of us who have been touched by the illness of the sociopath.
Love,
Rachel
ErinBrock
HI STAR!!!
Don’t ya just HATE that…..when you look into others ‘lives’ and the appearance is glorious…..then to see the cracks and puss oozing from it…..only AFTER you’ve bought into thier fantasy!!!
It’s quite deflating….
Makes me wonder the same thing…..and then I question the ‘other party’…..thinking…..damn….HOW do they put up with that….
(which is really FUNNY…..because I was that other party for so many years!!).
Hope your well darlen…..keep on keepen on….and KEEP THAT HEAD HELD HIGH GIRL!!!