How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / A Valentine to you: Yes, after the sociopath, you can love again

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Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:

Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?

Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.

For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”

Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.

The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.

How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.

Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.

Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.

These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.

So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.

Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.

Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.

When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.

Donna and Terry at Phillies game.
Donna Andersen and Terry Kelly at a soggy Phillies baseball game in August, 2009.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Donna Andersen

    Stargazer,

    Thank you for your kind words. It’s good to make yourself happy. When you’re happy, you draw more happiness into your life, which could include a nice relationship.

    You never know when it will happen. Not long ago I saw a story on TV about a couple, both 91, who celebrated their anniversary. They’ve been together 15 years! Do the math – that means they married at 75.

    You may not have to wait until you’re 75, but it could happen at any time.

  2. Stargazer

    Thanks, Donna. I try my best to be happy or at least to fake it much of the time. It’s important for me to know that there are men who truly just want to be with their wives and are not cheaters. I have come to believe that all men want to cheat deep down. This is what scares me.

    Hi EB, how are you, honey? I dunno, it DOES seem like there are some very happy couples out there. Not that their lives are perfect by any means.

  3. neveragain

    Stargazer…here is an article about why people cheat, the different reasons for affairs. http://www.maximalhappiness.com/extramarital_affiars_by_dr__robert_huizenga_.htm

    I think it is right on. If a man is a # 3, he is going to keep having affairs no matter what. They think they are entitled. Same for a #2….they are an addict almost.

    I know of many men who have never cheated. I feel very certain about them. For one thing, they NEVER flirt. They relate to women as people, not as a woman. Even if you hand them a sexual innuendo accidentally, they will politely ignore it.

    The article cited in Donna’s recent blog is good food for thought! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201001/why-are-narcissists-initially-so-popular

    I meet so many wonderful men. Maybe it is because I’m in the nonprofit arena. If you go beneath the top layer of leadership, most of the men are doing the work they do because they have giving hearts. A man with a giving heart (meaning empathetic and caring and motivated to help others) is not likely to cheat after being married. If he is not a big flirt before marriage, he probably won’t be after marriage either.

    I believe my husband has truly never cheated on me. And he asked me out the first time he met me, but in a straightforward way. There was no flirting. The closest he came to flirting was saying “I guess by now you know I love you” and we were married less than a month later.

    The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

    Another old saying “The bait you use determines the fish you catch.” (If I have to dress provocatively to get your attention, I’m not interested in you!) I’d add to that, while you can get lucky like Donna, if you want a golden retriever, don’t go where sharks hang out.

    You know, I’d write back to the guy AND HIS WIFE, and say, be careful, someone could misinterpret what you meant here. Take care, your marriage is something to treasure and protect.

    UGHHHHH!!!!

  8. tamsen

    My ex-sociopath always said “Everybody sucks unless they
    prove to me otherwise” and “I hate everybody”. He also would laugh hysterically when watching the “Saw” movies where people
    were being tortured and massacred. Big, red flags and I
    either ignored them or tried to “understand” him. What the
    hell was I thinking?

  10. alohatraveler

    Hi all… since you are sharing songs tonight.. I want to add one that entertained me for awhile.

    For some reason, this song tickled me and I went through a phase where I watched this video about 10x per day for a month or so. I don’t know why… it just gave me power.

    Watch the whole way through. It’s a treat. I love when she winds up for the big finish.

    Aloha :O)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TA6LQmP0ec

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