Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Dear Rachel,
I just read your post from the other day, very good and I am glad that you are doing well. Sometimes adversity does strengthen or give us faith in a Higher Power. It also did me. Someone said once “there are no atheists in fox holes” and I thinnk that is RIGHT!
If anyone has been in a WAR people who have had to deal with psychopaths have been in WAR. It is very basic, GOOD VS EVIL and if we don’t recognize that they are EVIL they will win, but once we recoginze that they are EVIL and push them out of our lives, we can start to heal. God bless (((Hugs))))
Hi, is anyone still following this section of LF? I have a question. I mentioned earlier that I went out on Valentine’s Day with someone, and had a great time. Since then, something came up and I had to set some boundaries. The thing is, when I told him what was on my mind, all he did was attack me for being ‘sensitive’, for ‘misunderstanding’, for ‘freaking out’. What gets me, is that he completely ignored what I was actually saying, dodging the precise things that I had to bring up. And I stuck to the issues, and didn’t make a personal attack of anything. He simply refused to acknowledge what I said, tried to make my comments about anything other than what I was saying the were about, and finally, when I forced him to see what I was saying, he claimed he was ‘only joking’ when he said it (it was a comment meant to cut me down a notch), and that I was being ‘really sensitive’. Actually, he was the one freaking out, and later tried to buy me off with chocolate and favors, which my friends who have no idea what abusers are like, think I should accept.
I can’t tell anymore. I can’t tell if it’s me, or him. But I do know he’s full of favors for everyone, to an extreme, which makes me suspicious too!
Bottom line -what I can’t figure out is how to tell if I’ve attracted yet another abuser, or if most men really can’t admit when they’re wrong, and have to use offense as their defense, even when it means throwing the person they’re supposed to be courting under the proverbial bus.
I can’t tell what’s normal. How much BS do normal women have to put up with from the male ego in their relationships?! All I know is that I want to run, fast, and get this guy away from me, and my friends are telling me how sweet he is, and to give him a chance.
Psyche
Dear Psyche,
Regardless if he is a P or not he has already done things that are not sitting well with you. Is that the kind of relationship you really want?
If he is a P you KNOW you dont want a relationship with one of them.
I say keep looking, I think when you find a truely good man you will know it and there will be NO second guessing.
The fact he attacked you when you were only stating your feelings is a huge red flag, P or not and the “only joking” line, heard it a million times from my xP, along with the cutting down a notch.
A “GOOD” man, the kind of man we really DO want a relationship with will not do these sorts of things. Yes, all ppl make mistakes but I think there are too many red flags here for your own comfort level. And, if he is a P, its not surprising all your friends think hes wonderful, generally everyone else finds the P so great meanwhile they dont know what lurks beneathe the surface.
Psyche,
A healthy man will listen to your concerns and respond appropriately. With a healthy man, there is no BS at all. You are seeing huge red flags. Trust your instincts. Get rid of him.
Dear Psyche,
I AGREE WITH DONNA, DUMP THE JERK—I don’t care if he bought you a Porche, it isn’t enough of a bribe to make him worth keeping!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are listening to your instincts and are NOT “glossing over” an ATTACK! KEEP IT UP!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!!
In fact, I think that you deserve the SILVER SKILLET AWARD for detecting another CREEP—and Donna’s right, doesn’t matter if he is a P or not, if he will ATTACK YOU NOW, what would he do in 6 months!
Psyche:
…”what I can’t figure out is how to tell if I’ve attracted yet another abuser…”
Not only have you attracted another abuser, the abuse has already begun.
By evading your questions and refusing to enter into dialogue with you about your concerns, he has effectively destabilized you. You are now confused and wondering if you are being hyper critical of him.
You are NOT!
By avoiding dialogue about “cutting you down a notch”, he has silently put the blame on you without saying a word.
That’s what abusers do. They do not engage in meaningful conversations because they are not interested in having a real, loving relationship.
For an abuser, the purpose of conversation is to destablize their victim and make you doubt yourself.
That’s one of the ways they gain control.
“All I know is that I want to run, fast, and get this guy away from me…”
That’s your GUT speaking to you, Psyche.
So, RUN!!! Run like the wind!!!!
Nah, Nah,Nah……goooooddddbbbbyyyyyeeeee!
The point is….your questioning him?
What…are ya gonna stick around until your sure….based on your friends who have not seen this ‘side’ of him?
He’s given you the glimpse…..
Lesson here…..NEVER, NEVER, NEVER question YOUR gut!!!
Run baby, run – run – run girlfriend!!!
And pat yourself on the back for ‘hearing’ the bells and sirons go off…….
IT AIN”T GONNA GET BETTER……THAT”S A FACT!
Hey guys…..
I wanted to share this with you…..
got the Child support check today….registered/return receipt requested……had to sign for it?????
Okay….it came from the S’s brother.
This is a ‘heads up’ to me…..somethings brewing…..
A. Either…..he’s gonna claim broke and bro has to pay his Child support, cuz he loves his kids so much his $300 won’t be forgotten to be paid…..
B. He was in town and didn’t want to mail the check himself or show up in the small town bank, because someone would call me and tell me he was in town……and I’d have the warrent executed…..(he’s hiding from me) 🙂
NOW……some would say…..just cash the check and shut up….
But, this is NOT normal for the S….and this is telling me something…..
The truth of the matter is…..he probably sent his brother pot from Hawaii and told him to pay me the support in leu of sending him the cash……
then he could claim it was a loan and the S looks like the good guy as ….hey….I’m doing all I can to pay my child support…..I’m broke….
Now….this could bite the brother in the ass….since he has a severly handicapped child and receives federal resources……but has to qualify…….Hmmmmmm…..I’d HATE for that fact of him ‘loaning’ his brother money when he’s on govmt aid to get out……??????
It could wreak havok on the money they receive…..or at least scare the begeebers out of em that they are ‘getting’ involved…..voluntarily in FRAUD and Money Laundering…..
There is just NO ROOM in their lives for a hassle from the S brother…..and his wife would GO BALISTIC!!!!!!APESHIT…….
And he’s a dude that doesn’t want nothing to upset the wifey…..so he’d cut the S’s games right off…..
I might need to use this approach…..If something pops up, that I can recognize……
Funny thing was…..the brother wrote, address and mailed/filled out the forms HIMSELF…..his wife handles ALL of the business…..betcha she doesn’t know about this…..maybe doesn’t even know about this account…..SINCE HER NAME ISN”T ON IT!!!!!
Interesting……
SEE HOW THE GAME WORKS>……..???
Gotta stay aware….
Psyche listen to Donna,
my wife and I may have different opinions about things and not agree on some things, but we respect and hear each other out and we don’t condescend each other about how we feel or think about things. Respect is a reciprocative. what you think and feel is very important and someone should hear you out without dissmissing what you have to say as being ‘too sensitive’. i may not have an idea at times where my wife is coming from but i respect what she feels about it and try my damndest to understand where she is coming from because she’s important to me.
i don’t think it’s out of line the next time he tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’ to respond that maybe you’re not too sensitive and that maybe he’s just a d*ck.
tit for tat. don’t second guess yourself.
Mike
erinb just cash the check and shut up – it mite be the last one you get.