Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Dear ErinB,
As far as I know the law doesn’t care WHO pays your child support–I’M WITH HENRY, shut the freak up!!!! and cash the check! I know you’re a fighter, but complaining about this is DRAMA and you don’t need any more drama! BOINK!!!! Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! Or kick it in the mouth either!
Erin,
Cash the check girl! While its still good. Even a boxer puts down his gloves once in awile.
Awareness is a good thing. However you don’t want to keep fighting this guy forever do you? Sooner or later he might get bored and go away for good 🙂 That would be the best possible end result.
ErinBrock:
Maybe the S just does not want you to know his address, especially if he’s in the area.
Is it possible that he could be living nearby, and does not want you to know where?
Or…maybe he’s staying with his brother while he’s in the area.
Maybe it’s as simple as that.
I thought I read that he was in the area recently…..
Rosa your adding fuel too the fire that ox, wit and I are trying to put out…….oh my – i bet we done pissed her off …
I know I was :).
I was just kidding. That’s why I used the :).
So….I tried to change it into something more helpful & constructive.
Henry, I ain’t a feared of her! LOL I got me lightenin’ spittin’ skillet and a jug of moonshine and I’m ridin’ my Fat Arse in this spring-like weather–I can fight wid da best’uv’em! Besides, Erin B goes after the Ps, she’d only give me a HUG!!!!
Hey, maybe she’d loan us some money—I PROMISE I’LL PAY IT BACK!!! ROTFLMAO
rosa you mite be right tho – he could be anywhere ,
Oxy i already hit her up for a loan – didn’t work.
WOW! Hens, I thought I would be tghe first one to hit her up for a loan, You are FAST ONE BOY! Got in there before me! I can’t believe she wouldn’t share her good fortune with us, especially with me threatening her with the SKILLET! LOL Wonder if it would be considered an IRONED ROBBERY!? LOL
Well, the old cow finally gave up holding that little calf for RANSOM and gave it up last night. We saw her out away from the herd just before dark and this morning she had it and was back with the herd. She’s a good mama so will take good care of it! Cute little bugger. I also went out and worked in the raised garden some and let the goats out for a while and they pruned my liarope (how ever you spell that—“Monkey” grass) but that’s okay I was too lazy to take the sheers to it.
Put the mouse traps back on the window sill as the cat keeps trying to see outside and watch the goats (don’t know what she would do if she could catch one!) but she keeps knocking my stuff off, so will give her another day or two to “catch on” that she’s not supposed to be there! So far I think she has just set them off but not been “caught” yet, and she KNOWS she’s not possed’ ta be up there!
Was 77 degrees here today, about 13 degrees over normal but sun shine and wonderful! I loved every minute of it!
Well, I’m gonna go to bed now and read my book, I am reading “chewing gum for the eyes” NOTHING HEAVY OR uplifting or self improvement, just ESCAPE-ISM! Gosh I have “self improved” until I must be darned near perfect by now! Except WAAAAAAY TOO HUMBLE! Nitey nite! Love Oxy
HEY, HEY, HEY—put that damn skillet down—don’t make me take out my TWO”.the golden one AND the SILVER ONE!!!!
GIRRRLLL!
A loan—no problem—I’ll give you the $300 bucks today for the hamburgers tomorrow—
Sheert”..$300 bucks to feed the teenagers?!?!?
I ain’t complaining!!
Yeah”.the check will be cashed tomorrow”..but I’m telling ya”..somethings up”.this is a ’front’ to something”..somethings brewing”..
Remember the last threats he made”..the TPO is up in June”.the eldest turns 18 and HOPEFULLY will graduate in June—
JUNE IS A BIG MONTH—and the last of his threats”..
He told the judge”.ranted and raved about needing to be there for his kids graduation”..the judge told him”.we’ll address that then”.(TPO).
He also threatened to ’pay back’ this kid for calling the police”when he is 18 and out from under ’mommy’s ’ wing—this is a concern”.
He will provoke him physically”..and as stated, have him arrested—he wants to have this kid look like the bad guy”..’see”.he beat his own father up’”.
I’ve been telling the kids”..but this one worries me—that physical violence is NOT okay”.but if you need to protect yourself”..don’t just stand there and take a beating”.walk away if possible, but protect yourself if that’s the only alternative.
I can see S setting kid up for this sort of trouble, he’s done it already through proxy’s”..but HE wants at him”..himself”..
So”.I have 3 months until something will rear it’s head”..and I have to keep vigilant.
The bro lives 3 states away and is broke”..there is a REASON HE sent this check”.and another tell tale is how he addressed envelope”..to Erin Maiden Name”..BUT, wrote the check to ERIN MARRIED NAME.
I still go by married name”.
Plus”.he always mails a check to the bank HIMSELF directly to the bank”.with nice little ’jabs’ on the memo”like a few months back it was “F987ck You—.then”.”it’s your life now”.enjoy it’”.. Gee thanks!
So”.no matter where he is, he could have mailed the check”..but knowing he was intown”.he was afraid to go into the bank and be seen”.
THIS IS another ALERT!!! Headsup”he’s up to something”.
Ofcourse I’m gonna cash the check”. ”.he does pay his meager $300 each month”each month”..it gives him the right to sound like the caring father, saying”.”I PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT EACH MONTH” but see”.know one ever asks him HOW MUCH? Assuming he’s a good father and actually supports his kids”.and doesn’t ’buy’ them 3 cases of top ramen monthly”..
Now”.knowing the S, and HAVE I BEEN WRONG YET???? I know he always gives me a heads up of something to come”..
This was a heads up—
So”.keep those skillets handy folks”.cuz your gonna be boinking yourselves when I let you know what came of this ’caution’.
So ”.let’s go take the asses out, put the feathers on, go for a picnic and eat some top ramen together. Cuz $300 bucks ain’t gonna buy shit!!!
:)XXOO