Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Dear Psyche,
OF COURSE YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY! WE (humans) ALL do!!!! Even JESUS BECAME ANGRY, anger is not a SIN!
JUSTIFIED ANGER IS JUST! Period, it is OK!
When I was trying to talk to a minister friend of my egg donor’s about all the damage she was doing by sending money to my P-convict X son—he didn’t get it and sent me a letter back that ANGER is a sin! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It is not!
Jesus said “be ye angry and sin not!” Well if anger is a “sin” how can JESUS say that!
I had been told all my life my by egg donor that I never had a right to be angry, to feel used or abused and that I had to PRETEND IT DIDN’t HAPPEN, TO PRETEND I WAS NOT INJURED! Balderdash! Poppycock! bull-hockey!!!! I figure if it is good enough for Jesus it is GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
Yes, we hold that anger in and don’t express it and it festers like pus in a boil on our souls, it makes us want to strike out, to want to hurt them the way we have been hurt!
I’m glad you are angry! FEEL THAT ANGER, let it out! But when you are cleansed from this, just be sure that you don’t let the anger become BITTERNESS because it CAN do that. I know you have seen people who are bitter and they are pathetic because they KEEP THEIR ANGER LIKE A TALISMAN and stroke and feed it. NO GOOD! And, believe me there is NO ONE ON EARTH THAT WOULD TELL YOU I AM A SAINT! I am so far from being a saint that I’m not even in the same universe with one, but that doesn’t mean that even I don’t do my best to put away “foolish” and “harmful” things—-and CONTINUAL anger is one of those, and HOLDING ANGER IN AND FEELING LIKE WE ARE NOT ENTITLED TO BE ANGRY is another! Good going, Psyche, and please, if I ever sound like I am “preaching” don’t be offended. I KNOW a bunch of this stuff and I iam doin my best to PRACTICE IT, but don’t always come across the way I’d like. Knowing and doing are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. I just keep working on it and when I fall down trying, at least I was TRYING. I think there are few people here on LF who have done more WRONG things than I have, who have lost their temper more times than I have, who have done STOOOOPID things over and over. I’m just a slow learner! And have to repeat a few courses now and then! I’ve actually got a PhD in “doin’ dumb stuff” but I’m working on ME cause I know I can’t change them! ((((hugs))) and always PRAYERs, THAT’S WHAT BROUGHT ME THROUGH!
Oh OxDrove, please don’t think I don’t appreciate your input, and attention for that matter. I’m just clarifying things for myself, and good Lord I feel better about this anger thing now because of having a chance to express it to people like you who understand. Thank you, and thank you for what these last postings have helped me see. I needed it very badly.
Psyche, You might try keeping an anger journal, just write down what is happening with you as it happens. It might be a memory from your past, or something in the present that triggers you. It’s okay to cuss, scream, rant…all is okay in your journal…keep track of your dreams, the words you say to yourself in your head, the physical sensasions in your body etc. Don’t censor yourself, remember you aren’t writing for an audience.
I used to beat up my bread dough while kneading it. I would punch it and abuse it and call it foul names…….:0
How about a martial arts class. I took kung-fu for awhile. Excercise releases endophins, and the feeling of empowerment might be really good for you. Good for your body image, too!
Dear Psyche,
DArlling do not worry about MY opinion, YOUR opinon is the one you need to care about! (((hugs)))) I know that you are struggling through this healing like the rest of us, and I know that I not only didn’t know the answers to how to heal, HELL, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THE QUESTIONS! LOL I think you had an AH ha! Moment, and that is GREAT! You realized you had not released or even acknowledged your anger for xxx years! GOOOD JOB!!!! You are learning the QUESTIONS and the ANSWERS!!!!! Great, sweetie! That’s the spirit!
I knew my anger secret, sometimes even secret from myself! Now, I’m, learning how to express it in “socially acceptable ways”—laying and dreaming of skinning someone alive with a dull knife isn’t really a “good way” to express it! But it was a START! LOL At least I was FEELING the anger and acknowledging that I DID WANT to do those nasty things. LOL
I think today has been a great day for YOU! Ten steps forward!!! Maybe on broken glass, but gosh, any forward movement is a GAIN!!!! ((((hugs)))))
My spath discarded me and threw me out like the trash-it was so traumatic because he had moved in with me while he was getting divorced and we started planning our future and talked about having a baby. He came home one evening and said-“I don’t love you anymore. I’m leaving and I never want to see you again. You’re crazy. You’re trash and I just used you for sex”. I was literally hit by a ton of bricks because I completely trusted him. I do feel lucky now that-not only is he gone and back with the wife who tolerates his constant cheating, but I don’t have to worry because I doubt that he will try to contact me-unless SHE bails on HIM. I could see him trying to hurt me. I thank God that I wasn’t in the position where some of ya’ll have to deal with them trying to reel you back in. I am thankful for that and I feel bad though that some of you had to go through much worse than me.
Dear Kim,
That sounds really attractive right now (martial arts, and beating up something that can take it). I have decades of stifled anger to deal with. And the thing that gets me is that I am going to have to find a way to believe myself, that I should be angry, despite what I’ve heard all along (bottom line – whenever I was angry, I was ‘wrong’). That’s a lot of being wrong, and how to re-wire all of that in my system seems like a daunting task now. But oh how I do feel better just realizing in passing moments, that I was right, that I’m right about being angry now. I wish I could hear a chorus of a thousand voices, all day long, telling me I was right, that I have the right to be angry. I feel like that might undo the negative programming. Short of that, I’m going to see about martial arts, I want to be stronger physically, anyway. When I am, I know it’s just one more line of defense against the abusers who seem to see me as the ideal target.
Thanks again. And you’re right, it begins with feeling the anger first, because we were denied that. Now that I know it’s been sitting there, festering into a burning rage, at least I can address it. I think I had to get other things in my life in better order before I was in a position to recognize it. Before now, I was just putting out the other fires that the S-path had lit. Anyway, it’s now time to feel the rage, and I’m feeling so good about feeling it. At least for the last 12 hours, I’ve felt like a huge weight was lifted just because of this, and I’m ready to start judo-chopping on people’s @.......$$es (yes, if only in my head). I hope the good part of this lasts for a while.
Take care
Psyche,
I understand about not being able to be angry. I grew up and was allowed to only be happy. (‘what do YOU have to be angry about? what do YOU have to be depressed about’? etc etc said my mom). If I was every angry wow did I get in trouble..and I ended up being a sort of entertainer of sorts. Making sure everyone felt ok. i learned from my mom to take on everyone’s feelings and then fix them. I also learned earlly on how to read people. I would have to prepare myself for going home after school, etc to what mood my mom might be in, or what I might have done wrong, etc. Crazy stuff. No wonder we grow up not feeling good about ourselves, not being good enough, feeling defective.
I have learned that anger is just a feeling. Not good, not bad…it just is. What is important is how we respond to it. Not reacting is important, but responding. A big difference. We can choose our responses and what we do with it. but learning to feel it is very hard at first. It is scary. I had years of repressed anger and I was afraid of raging by the time I realized I could feel the anger and not die, or get into trouble, or whatever…
Anger is a secondary feeling….what is under it is something else usually…hurt, fear, sadness…and I found it was important to identify what all my feelings were/are.
I have decided to go to a shooting range and make a target of my x spath and well, go at it! I don’t know if I’ll feel better….I have read recently that they say punching pillows, kick boxing etc is not so good for anger that it makes it worse. I can’t remember the reasoning behind that but I think it might just be fun to box, or do martial arts and shoot a gun in a safe way. I also want to take either self defense classes or martal arts…become stronger physically and mentally…have more control mentally.
Lastly, reading about future relationships…it seems impossible. I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone to touch me…I said it on another post today too. (My x spath raped me and it took me 2 years to realzie that is what he did….then when in therapy with him he was supposed to make an amends to me about it…so he did admit that is what he did although now he laughs and makes fun of it and says things like “yeah, my wife and I always say hey let me rape you”….what a jackass. The amends was pathetic. The therapist said to me later…he’s not ready to be accountable for anything) I obviously have a lot of healing to do…as do we all here. Five years since divorce and I was hoping to be part way there! I am just starting I realize since I have just recently recognized all of this.
I met a guy who really adores me. He is kind, attentive, smart, seemingly not an spath but who knows yet! I haven’t been around him long enough to know if he rages or has weird stuff…I dated my xspath for a year and on honeymoon I saw the behavior change, altho denied the red flags that I saw while dating to be honest!) but the point is this guy wants to go out, have a relationship and I can’t bring myself to do it. I told him I have baggage and I don’t expect him to wait around for me to figure it out. He has a lot of qualities that I admire but he also has been pushy with boundaries and that is my first red flag…but I don’t know if I am over reacting. I have been able to tell him that…and he apologized and said he would make sure he didn’t do it again. Do I dump him because of it? Well…not dump him because I am not having anything more than friendship right now. God knows I need some friends…I lost them all during this nightmare. Anyway, I am grateful for the support and advice here at LF as I learn to trust my own instincts and judgments. Learning to be assertive, not aggressive in setting and maintaining boundaries, learning to not worry if I sound rude to someone as I take care of myself. I also have learned that others’ feelings are their own….not mine….they have to learn how to take responsibility for their own feelings and it isn’t my job!
Dear Chinagirl,
You set a boundary: A REASONABLE boundary, “I am not ready to go out” If he is being PUSHY and not respecting that boundary it is a BIG RED FLAG!
You are RIGHT to set that boundary, right now you must use ALL your energy to get yourself healed and to concentrate on taking care of your relationship with your daughter…..you don’t have time for a relationship now. Relationships (good or bad) take a big portion of o ur energy, especially at first.
Tell this guy in no uncertain terms to bugger off! NOW!
RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!! ONE red flag means RUN!!!! Trust your instincts that he is waving a red flag. Maintaining your boundary is NOT being “rude.” It is being assertive. It is protecting yourself. You have a RIGHT to protect yourself. Kick him to the kerb!
China:
“and that is my first red flag”but I don’t know if I am over reacting.”
That is a RED FLAG IN YOURSELF…..that your NOT ready…..your changing addictions looking to be ‘rescued’ by a ‘friend’……Your questioning YOUR GUT!
You need to be happy and healthy in yourself to offer anyting to anyone else…..are you there yet?
Overreacting….?????????
COMMIT to yourself….you will never question yourself.
If YOU think it’s a red flag….IT”S A RED FLAG!!!
NO, NO< NO< NO< NO<NO<NO.
I highly recommend you don't look at dating…..right now…..give yourself time to get aquanted with YOU!